A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got married when i was 20 to a guy I was head over heels for. By the time I was 22 I was divorced after he turned into an abusive drunk. I got married again when I was 24 and had a beautiful little girl and now I am separated and on my way to divorce again at 26. My ex is in the Navy and he cheated on me multiple times before he said he didn't want the "responsibility" of a family. So here I am totally embarrassed at having been married twice at my age. I am so scared that guys are gonna be put off by this. I don't want to rush into another relationship, and definitely not into marriage. But I have lived and learned and I know the type of guy that I should be with now...lol one that doesn't hit you or cheat would be nice...but I am petrified that guys are gonna hear that I have been married twice and hit the road. My other question is in my state you have to be separated a year before you are divorced...to a guy looking to date a girl....should I wait til its final or should I just start dating when I feel ready?
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cheated on me, divorce, drunk, my ex, navy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 I think you have learnt a few lessons the hard way, and now it is time to take a step back from dating & relationships and just be alone and focus on your little girl.
I am not going to lie and say "it wont matter that you have been divorced twice, if the right guy comes along it wont be a problem" - this would be giving you false hope. The reality is you have been divorced twice and have a child - this is going to put a lot of men off I'm afraid. It will take a certain type of man to be ok with all of this, and it will be hard to find him! But there will be a small number of men, the good ones you will love you for who you are, regardless of the baggage; these are the guys you are just going to have to wait for. The majority of men you meet wont be comfortable with all the baggage that comes along with you and you are just going to have to be prepared for that. But if you are patient, and wait for the right guy to come along rather than jumping into another relationship with the first guy that comes along, then maybe you will be ok. Just be prepared for a lot of rejection and some tough times to come - dating wont be easy for you anymore I'm afraid.
It sounds to me like you are so desperate for love that you will jump into relationship after relationship, searching for that fairytale relationship where you live happy ever after. I mean you are already talking about dating again! You should not even be thinking about dating, regardless of how long you have been separated or whatever it doesnt matter - you need a long time just being single and getting over your 2 marriages, learning to be alone and be happy being single, and reflecting on why you appear to be choosing the wrong men.
You have a little girl now and you must be very careful when you start dating again - you cannot introduce anyone to her that is not going to be a long term fixture in your life. So I think for now, dont even think about men again for a while. Just focus on letting your daughter and yourself get used to being a 1 parent family, the divorce will be traumatic for her so she needs you to be there for her and to have your full attention.
I would say you definitely should not date again until the divorce is final, and even then you should wait another 6 months - 1 year after that before you get back out there again. You have bounced from one bad relationship to the next, so to prevent this happening again you really need to be single for quite some time - otherwise you will not be fully over your past relationships and will fall into a new one just for the sake of comfort and company, rather than actually being in love with the right guy. You will continue to meet the wrong men if you rush into dating again because you will be so blinded by your desire for a relationship you wont notice the signs that these guys are not right for you. Whereas if you are single for a while, and take it slowly when you do go back to dating - it will be much easier to spot the bad guys, and much easier to recognize when you have found a good one!
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 June 2010):
You are moving way too fast again with all this. Just stop worrying about men right now. Focus on getting your own life together. Be independent for a while and make sure you've got a decent job and home. You need to just spend time on yourself right now. I get the feeling that you're rushing into these things because your esteem is low and you feel like you need someone around. But unless you deal with all this, you're just going to pick another man that will hurt you. Spend time alone. As to whether men will be scared, there will be some that just can't handle it, and there will be others that will. It depends on the guy.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 June 2010):
 sounds like your just looking for love, maybe you should take a date from the relationship scene your a young woman you have time to find that rte guy. Personally i thnk its to soon for a serious relation ship sounds like you just want a rebound guy. also i wouldnt even tell any guys that you where married before most guys ask if your single not if your divorced. as the relationship progresses you can tell him but wouldnt unless he brings it up, he doesnt even need to kno you have a kid theres a time and place. when the relationship progresses to a certain level you can tell him.
Any way to answer your question yesss i think the average guy would be put off if he found out the girl he was dating was married twice and he had never been married, maybe you should date divorced guys.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2010):
 My aunt has been married 7 times. Her life could be a docudrama on Lifetime! You do not have the scarlet letter if you've been married more than once. If people with herpes can find love, you're more than qualified!
I would recommend that you stay single until your divorce is final. Take the time to plan out and get a clear goal on where you want to be in life. Sometimes, just rushing into someone else's arms causes us to make foolish decisions. Just be patient, give your little daughter lots of love and attention, and learn to be comfortable being alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): The ink isn't dry on the divorce papers and you are already putting all your worry and focus on finding another man to date and marry....and all you are concerned about really is how fast you can get out there and start dating and whether or not a guy would date you while you are officially still married.
You have a precious little girl. Don't you think your first priority should be her and how you are going to support her while being single? You don't want a parade of men coming and going from your life either, that isn't healthy for her.
Why not instead of focusing on the whole dating marriage issue you turn instead your focus on you. Having one abusive drunk for a husband and one irresposible low conscious man who dumps his family because he isn't ready for one means you are impaired in some way, you either haven't healed properly from the abuse you suffered and keep picking the wrong men, the same pattern repeats, or you are not taking your time and protecting yourself from the men who just are not good people....there is a lot you need to learn from these experiences about men and about yourself and your goal should be to become healthy and provide a safe environment for your child, not on how to replace the last man with the next.
Men leave, they die, they cheat, they go to jail, they can abuse. Learn to stand on your own two feet and love yourself first, learn what traits to avoid in men and what it is about you that makes you a target for such men.
I highly suggest you go into counseling to help you through this difficult time and to help you learn and grow from this.
Take care.
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