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female
age
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*eggyAnn
writes: Hi, I am in a dilemma - divorced 5 years ago, several opportunities for relationships along the way and always declined. A co-worker that I have known and talked to daily for the past 3 years - and purely work conversations - for never an instance anything more - well - we were together at an event and he gave me the most passionate kiss ever and from there it has been history. The problem is that he is married - yes, for 20 years with a 8 year old daughter. The past 4 months have been the happiest times - he lives 3 hours away - will drive up just to meet me for lunch(not sex), helped me to buy my daughter Christmas gifts, and we talk on the phone for 3 hours everyday. The problem is that he says due to the length of his marriage he can not just walk away - he has to give it a fair chance (he said the last 8 years has been just content and they just live in a routine and he handles all finances, as she works only 3 hours a day). How can he work on his marriage if he is spending time on the phone with me? We have tried not to talk and one of us always picks up the phone within a few hours or the next morning - plus we deal with each other at work... My heart is breaking because - I have fallen in love with him and I vowed after my divorce that I would never let any man get into my heart again. I am looking for help to become wiser - your replies, websites, anything that will help me to know what I need to do...Is walking away the best thing when it's been the happiest 4 months of my life? I know this is all so crazy...at 46 and 41 yrs old - you wouldn't think it should be so complicated...He says he loves his wife but he is in love with me, madly in love and the physical side before we stopped was absolutely incredibly. I am hooked and don't know where to go from here... please share your thoughts....
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Have had 2 year relationship with married man. Came to an end because of his children, (couldn't look them in the eye). Problem is, he won't totally let go - will NOT tell me it is absolutely over. The pain is something else. Still hanging on and hoping.
And anyone who would like to place a categoric "vile way to behave" post up - try it. It's not something anyone chooses, You fall in to it.Falling in love is not a life choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): I too went the four months fell in love etc. I'm mid age and so is he. This guy was a total jerk only I was totally blinded by his words. Told me he loved me, working on getting out of his relationship (3 yrs) to his live in girlfriend etc. I feel like my heart is breaking. He used every excuse to get to me at first and I eventually gave in, had the big passionate kiss, great conversations, great sex etc. Then the phone conversations went into texts but he still "loved me". The only time he eventually called on the phone is when he was sitting in the parking lot to visit. I finally confronted him and asked him to be honest and just let me know where we stood. That was three days ago and guess what, I still haven't heard from him. I am not a stupid person in business but in personal life I have an i.q. of zero. My advice is run, terminate all communication with this guy. It hurts like hell but his actions speak louder than words. These guys know all the words to seduce you and keep you hooked - it's like a drug. They want their cake and eat it to. It's not good for our emotional, mental and physical health and the truth is, they just don't give a damn. They are selfish, heartless bastards that prey on the nurturing mother in all woman .. I think they especially enjoying at a working successful woman since deep inside, they resent and are intimidated by that. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): Hi. This is not an answer to the posted question in the first place. It's just that I am in the same situation - in a 3-year relationship with a married man. But the thing is he lives in Europe and I live in Asia. He's been married for 25 years with a 21 year-old son. He said he's not happy anymore with his wife (well they always say that). But I am very sure he loves me. Now I am back in Asia in my job not knowing when I will see him again but that doesn't bother me. I am happy with the arrangement. But he said he will love me forever. It's been a year now since I last saw him and he still texts everyday and calls three time a week regularly. I am separated and I don't want another man. I told him I will wait forever. Perhaps it will take forever and I don't care. But he loves me and I know it coz the distance doesn't matter to us. No more love making but our love is strong and patient. Perhaps this is futile but he was the best thing that ever happened to me and as I am writing this I just got his text telling me he loves me forever. How strange love is. He's calling tomorrow. It's our third year in our relationship. Call it crazy but I know he loves me and I love him truly. The difference is that I am not demanding that he leave his family. I know exactly where I stand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I have been in a long term relationship for 18 years with a married man not a man with children but one who has many encumberments for a long time it worked with my life style but I am being loyal to something which sees me as a support person in a relationship where money is not the problem but the other half who has a lifestyle she refuses to give up is unwilling to let go so I have decided to callit quits to get the manI am certain we would work as we have endured and have the greatests times together now I was a bigger piece of the piewell perhaps all of the pie except for the pieces he needs for himself I am dealing with my needs for security and am moving forward in a very fast sense once I called it and was firm about my intentions and my need not to share
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): I hope you stopped talking with this man. Have some self control. What you are doing is wrong. Anyways, do you really want a man that is willing to cheat on his wife? Why would it be any different with you in the future?
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reader, creamepie  +, writes (22 May 2007):
Break all ties right know because after all he belongs to someone else how do you think she would feel if she found out . Furthermore how would you feel if that happen to your daughter think before you act .
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2007): Well, here I am again...it's been 4 more months..now we have been communicating daily for 8 months and still talk almost all days for an hour plus throughout a day...until this week...he left for a week's vacation to Disney with wife and daughter...he said they planned the trip all he did was pay for it - and it happened to fall on their 20th anniversary. He has still been texting when he can - but those have been minimal the last 2 days and I have not been pleasant to deal with so I am thinking I am pushing him away as well...but when he texts or calls I am still picking up the phone...it seems it would be so easy..just not to answer... how does one do that?!
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reader, PeggyAnn +, writes (28 January 2007):
PeggyAnn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI may have been unclear we have been seeing each other since mid September and he has been married for what will be 20 years in May... yes, financial reasons have been mentioned but ...I think he is more scard of change than anything and I know I don't want to be the reason or feel guilty in any way down the road. It's so easy to stay just stop talking... the reality is that I am having a difficult time doing that... I do not ever recall being so powerless over what is my own control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): I am not going to take a moral high ground here. People who are married and attracted to other people are not not setting out to cause pain...although that can be the final outcome. There are not huge numbers of available men for women at middle age and it can get discouraging and lonely and that is when a married man can look attractive. Ask yourself though...when all is said and done if you are willing to put your emotional health and security in such jeopardy.I believe that there is another reason why married men do not leave...financial...the facts of cold hard cash. You mention that this mans wife works part time...if he was to leave her and hook up with you he would and should have to ensure that his first family were looked after. If his adultry came up...well lawyers could milk that one. Have you considered moving to another location where there might be more for you...are your job skills relocatable. I must add my voice to the voices of the the other aunts....you will get hurt if you stay in this situation. I have seen it many times. Cut the ties and get on with your life. This man may have added appeal because he is married...you said you had chances with available men and gave them a miss...do you need all this drama? I think not...move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): Peggy, just stop talking to him! End all contact and tell it's done. There is no gain without the pain, dear. So why not ride out the loneliness through and come out of this a strong, more prideful, self-reliant woman. Stop using this relationship, this affair with this married man as a substitute for your own fulfillment. You have wasted 20 years on a man who has no intentions of leaving his wife and family. You know this. The quality of your life and your future happiness with someone else, who can give all of himself to you..will depend on you deal with these fears of losing this 'inappropriate' man. Stop panicking and start living. End all contact...today.
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reader, PeggyAnn +, writes (28 January 2007):
PeggyAnn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate.. Yes, we are still talking and he is coming up on Wed night knowing that it's purely platonic...Why would he bother.. The calls have slowed down in both directions but the connection is still there both ways... Everytime that I say we have to stop he says he dosn't want to let me go and he still has to work on things at home...it's a constant struggle - the smart side of me (if I have one left at this point) says to stop - along with all of my friends.. the passoionate side of me and the one that thought I would never fall in love again says this guy is for real and he really does love me and he is confused and believes that divorce is a sign of failure, and again the 19 year factor. It's Sunday and we all know that he's with his family and that's where he belongs - so why am I still hanging on and why is hanging on... How do I finally get that ultimate strength to just stop?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): please pegganne walk away you know this is what you have to do 4 months is nothing against his wife/child plus he don't want divorce hes playing you please please tell him to leave you alone, you have nothing while he plays happy families his wife prob not suspecting a thing c,mon call his bluff
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reader, PeggyAnn +, writes (24 January 2007):
PeggyAnn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster... I don't know where to begin but the finale is that he says he needs to work on things and that he ultimately doesn't want to get a divorce...but then please help me understand why when I am strong saying that it is over he is crying and saying he doesn't know what he wants, maybe he needs to work on it first, but he isn't sure... Is it possible to be in love with two women? The past four months have been the most terrific in my life - I am going to miss him a ton and right now know that not being together is the right thing to do. What a way to lose weight...a constant knot in the stomach. I know that I was also in the wrong but it doen't make it any easier when your in love.
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reader, PeggyAnn +, writes (10 January 2007):
PeggyAnn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMay I just say it isn't easy not to talk to someone you really like! He called yesterday just to say "Have a great day" and then we talked at the end of the day and I had such a great day that I was strong and said - "Let's tak at work only and see what happens".. Within an hour on my way home we're talking again and again on the computer last night and at work a couple of times today...He's planning on meeting me Sat when I'm going to visit family an hour from where he lives - he plans on coming to visit Sat afternoon and we can hang out and talk - I have been very specific that's all we can do and we already both admitted it's going to be difficult but I believe that kissing and hugging still are considered cheating! Am I going to feel worse after I see him, have the strength to say good-bye, or say - oh well, it's nice to have a friend?!
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (10 January 2007):
 Sadly even if you two got together legitimately, you would always be watching for when he would do the same thing to you.
Just a thought.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): As a middle aged woman who has just commenced an affair with a married colleague, Id say stop blaming the other woman. The fault lies with the philandering partner and within his marriage. If he was happy then he wouldn't look for sex outside marriage would he? My colleague has never tied to make me think there is likely to be anything permanent in our relationship. I am enjoying a warm sexual relationship which has been sadly lacking for the past year or so...where are the available men - certainly not where I live. I am divorced, unattached and cheating on noone that I owe loyalty to. If my colleague cheats on his wife then that is his problem
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): PeggyAnn, You are an amazing woman! Stay on course, girl. It will take every ounce of strength you have,to 'not' answer that phone and reply to those texts. Keep on displaying that remarkable personal courage, dear--you have whjat it takes..you've just been afraid to put it to the test, in your past. Hang in there, dear! Keep us all updated and take care. xx
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reader, PeggyAnn +, writes (8 January 2007):
PeggyAnn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, today was it... I told him that we were done and he has called and text msg throughout the day ... He tells me he loves me and wants me to be his Best Friend - how is that possible... How does one get the strength not to answer the phone or reply. I know I am so close to making the break and I finally do not have that knot in my stomach - and I have not shed a tear all day...I know that means that it's the right direction!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Yes, you have to let this man go! He is married, which means his first priority is to his wife and daughter, not you - no matter how much you might enjoy talking on the phone, or seeing him.
The simple fact of the matter is that this man is betraying his wife, and probably lying to her about you. He is not honorable. All this energy should be focussed on his marriage, NOT on you!!
Think about this, and about the fact that you are conspiring with him in hurting his wife and daughter by associating with him. Think too, about the fact that there is NO FUTURE for you in continuing with him. He is not going to leave them for you. Think of the pride you can take in ending this right now, and know you are doing the best and most honorable course of action.
Think too about the fact that it will free you up to look for a man who does not have ties of being married or living with someone and can develop a real relationship with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): In addition to the other advice, I was reading though some of Dr. M's advice and she said something worth thinking about:
"You need to realise that this is an IMMENSELY huge planet full of millions of interesting and different peoples. You must wake up tomorrow morning and realise how lucky you are to be alive in a world of chaos - and a little lucky that you're not languishing in some unloving marriage."
Think of that for a moment [I have done]. Is getting caught up on one person really so worth it?
Also people (mainly women, I've found) who get hurt tend to say things to themselves like
"I will never let any man get into my heart again"
This, I believe as a Hypnotherapist, is why you have found yourself falling for this unavailable man. You have fallen for a man that you know is ultimately not going to get in to your heart - you, yourself have given you unconscious mind the idea that you want a relationship that does not involve letting a man to your heart. You see, your unconscious has acted on your instructions so that you do not get hurt. It's not worked has it?
Imagine how *amazing* it would be to find a man who will love you 24/7... that can be yours - but never with this man. You must hold on to this thought as it will keep you strong and keep you focused. I wish you the best. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Here it is in a nutshell. When a married man cheats, he really is dishonest and his true character stands out--he is totally at ease..with boinking you on the side. And sadly, you have knowingly put yourself in a precarious, no-win situation, of allowing this man to cheat on his wife and family. You've made a very poor choice and you know it.
He told you he loves his wife, dear. All his action, words are telling you "no, he won't leave"...he's focused on a future with his wife and daughter. Don't kid yourself, he loves her more than he's telling you or he would've bailed a long time ago and would be with you. And no matter how intense your feelings are for him. if he cannot 'honestly' give you love back where he wants to build a future with you, his feelings are not genuine, dear. Accept that. This is the emotional price one pays, when one makes a choice to have an affair with a married man. So many woman walk into other another woman's turf and expect him to leave his wife for her. It just doesn't work that way. His life is simply much too wrapped up financially and emotionally, in his marriage. He knows full well, what he will lose if he leaves his wife. So I have to ask, how could you love and respect a man who's married but wanting to have someone else (you) on the side? Don't you think you deserve more than to be someone's occasional side-dish?
This is also a time for you to reflect and soul-search. Think of the other lives involved here..his wife and daughter. This is so important to do this because women who have affairs very rarely, think of the wife a living, breathing person. Instead, she's just a barrier..a thing that can be easily tucked away in your mind. You have no connection to her, you don't know her, so why care? Take some to reach inside your heart and really think long and hard, about his wife. You have a huge issue of non-respect for your fellow woman: his wife. I think us women should stick together and respect each other, which includes respecting each others marriages and commitments. She has done nothing to you. She is an innocent, good woman who clearly does not dewerve this. But let's theorize for a minute. Would if he did leave her for you? Would you still want him? Got to remember dear, if he cheated on her with you, he'll cheat on you with someone else. After all, we're talking about a man who does not display the values like honesty, commitment, fidelity, faithfulness, trustworthiness. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, hun. You need to focus on you and what you want, your goals in life.
When a woman feels good about herself, she selects a partner who lets her know she is valued and respected. She won't permit this person to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. Don't you owe that to yourself. To find someone who is available to love you 24/7? I think you deserve so much more, hun...start believing in yourself, so that you can move forward without this man. I think it's wonderful you feel this love for someone...but don't you think it would be better to share that with someone, who is really, really yours. Stop seeing this guy...let him figure out his life and you need to figure out yours. Don't base the love you give a guy, on secrecy and deceit. Good luck.
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reader, DeeDoc +, writes (7 January 2007):
 HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS: Hi dear. You seem to be in quite a pickle. Sometimes we feel that all the good guys are taken. Well they are not. There are still some good single ones out there. We are just not venturing out of our comfort zone to meet them. Having a relationship with someone in the workplace is always a difficult one, especially if the other person is married. Double the difficulty and also the trouble. My heart certainly goes out to his 8 year old. Since he told you that he just cannot walk away from his marriage so easily, maybe keep that little 8 year old in mind and brace yourself, but walk way. Mend your heart the best that you know how and note for future reference to check out the single guys that are looking for a lasting relationship. You just might be surprised on how many great single guys there are out there. Good luck to you. I know you will make the choice which has everyone's best interest at heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): You had a fling, the sex was good (is it ever really bad?) you like the attention he gives you because you don't have a man in your life, it is easy, there are no strings, no relationship to screw up, it is just happy happy happy, but the thing is your heart is breaking because you have fallen in love with him.
What are you looking for here? A round of applause? Seriously, you are both middle aged, grow up for once and take responsibility for making a very bad choice and bite the bullet and go hit your hand with a hammer so you remember not to do it again, the next time you want to go sleep with a married man, go get the hammer to remind yourself how much that hurt and maybe next time you will stop dead in your tracks..(kidding about the hammer)
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reader, DocSilverback +, writes (7 January 2007):
 First of all, you stated that you work together on a daily basis, yet he lives 3 hours away. Humm....okay. I noticed you defending yourself from the start. You are always talking about work....then BAM....you are with him. I'm missing something. You vowed to yourself that you would never let a man into your heart after your divorce, now you CHOOSE to make the first relationship a so very complicated one with the man being MARRIED with a family. You stated that he tells you that he loves his wife, but 'in love' with you. Red flag here. You ask yourself why does he spend three hours on the phone with me, well, it's because YOU ANSWER IT. As far as you asking if you should just walk away...I suggest that you go to your closet, find your best walking shoes...and commence to walking. Walk fast. Run even.
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