A
female
age
26-29,
*antingOut
writes:Previous Post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-out-of-this-relationship-with-a.htmlAbout a month ago I ended an affair with a married man that I was having. We texted and called daily and we slept together on the weekend but I told it was over and that I was serious and that we couldn’t be together. I blocked his number and was hoping to move on. I don’t use Facebook much so I didn’t realize that he had tagged me in a post until today when I got tons of text from family and friends asking what was going on. He posted a picture of us together and wrote a huge thing about how I changed his life. “You taught me what love should feel like, the way life should be lived, that laughter really is the best medicine. You pushed me to take risk, You cheered me on and never let me give up on myself. YOU are the reason I’ve smiled more in the past 6 months then I did in the past 6 years. Our meeting wasn’t ideal, our relationship wasn’t thought out, we hurt others and we hurt ourselves but I want you to know I’m a better person because of you and if I could turn back time I’d do it all over again.”Apparently he posted this the exact same day that he told his wife about our affair ! Her family / friends commented on the picture several times that we had an affair and that I was a white and home wrecker. These are comments my parents read ! I’m so anger at him. Today when I walked into work everyone was looking at me , I feel like the whole word say this post. I’m so hurt that he would air all of this for everyone to see. I want talk to him and see what the heck he was thinking but I don’t even have words to say to him I just want to yell. How do I get him to leave me alone without cusseinhbany more damage to me or my reputation
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (29 April 2018):
 He has already showed his crazy.
Posting a status unannounced a month after ending things is extremely bizarre. Turning up to your apartment without an invite is also extremely alarming. Even though you’ve told him it’s over I highly doubt that he’s finished trying to get your attention.
Be very careful and don’t get yourself into a situation where you’re alone with him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2018):
 Uhm,OP. Strange reasoning. Of course you did not set out to have a tryst with a married man, but you also did not particularly set out to NOT have it. You did not engineer things to make it happen, but you did LET it happen nevertheless.
This means that among your absolute deal breakers the category " married man " is not present.
A married man is not someone you would not touch with a barge pole no matter how charming and goodlooking he is. He is maybe not your favourite choice, yet a definite possibility.
That's your own prerogative, but also your own risk. Risky choices have dangerous , risky consequences - and you are seeing this in action right now. Which is lamentable, yet hardly surprising.
Married people are like carrying a big neon sign on themselves " Trouble ahead; do not trespass ". If you CHOOSE to trespass, and s..t happens, well, - it's not like you could never have expected it in a million years !
I hope you realize I am not even talking about morality - or about self- worth ( I think everibody DESERVES a partner whom they do not have to share , but that's another story).
I surely cannot offer myself as a shining example of virtue , or at least of sexual conformity. I had some rather "colorful" , experimental periods in my life, I made a few unconventional choices , and same plain WRONG," WTF was I thinking" ones. But married men ?... I have been hit on by married guys so many times - including my boss at work , and later on my husband's boss at a time when he was seeking a promotion, lol- so, beside these being attractive, interesting man, I would probably have benefited from saying yes. But my default, my almost authomatic, and definitely annoyed reaction has always been : middle finger up, f..you buster , keep your legally wedded d..k out of my way .
Not because I was very moral, or very chaste , or very religious ( never was any of these things ).
But I suppose I have and had a healthy sense of self preservation, because of which I don't take at all as a compliment the attentions of somebody who, 99 % of cases would bring shit into my life under the shape of shame , strife , gossip, humiliation, hurt to my family etc. etc.- the stuff you have been going through right now, and that has been brought in to soil your life as some rubbish brought carelessly in by an alley cat.
I think these problens you are facing now can be an useful, helpful lesson for you. You can learn fron this to be careful- both in the literal sense of being prudent , because many adventures, after all, aren't worth the complications they bring on ; and in the sense of being °full of care ° for your precious , unique, clean, shiny, beautiful self, that you don't want to be tainted by the first Tom, Dick and Harry with nothing to offer who may happen to fancy you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 April 2018):
 Hiding crazy... isn't hard, OP
So just BE safe. That means if he shows up at your home, DO NOT let him in. And avoid being alone with him at work (best as you can) and definitely avoid him outside of work.
The way that he dropped the "I'm in love with someone else" over Facebook is NOT normal. Hence... be careful either way.
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A
female
reader, WantingOut +, writes (29 April 2018):
WantingOut is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I don’t normally make “bad” decisions. I’m very level headed and work hard. I was attracted to his looks before I knew he was married , he is very nice looking and was one of the first to approach me and welcome me to my new job. Once I knew he was married I didn’t even look at him again ina a dating way. I didn’t set out and say “hey who’s married here and go after then “ that wasn’t my plan.
I don’t think he would physically hurt me in any way, he never showed any signs of being controlling or crazy when we were together
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018):
Generally, if you have an affair when either of you are married, then you are effectively diving head first into a can of worms - no, it won't feel like that at the time, but that's what it amounts to, one way or the other.
He is very obviously totally and utterly selfish to do what he has done. His post is all about what HE gained from the affair. No thought for anyone else.
The ONE good thing - if anything can be good in this context - is that he actually hasn't said anything bad about you. He has only said good things. It's just that the context in which those "good" things happened places doubt on whether they could ever be considered 'good' (in a moralistic sense). What I mean is that at least he wasn't calling you a slut, saying how awful you are as a person etc etc. I guess there is some small mercy in that.
Do what all the others have said. Brave this out as best as you can.
BUT think about why you were attracted to him and to the clandestine nature of what happened. Did his selfishness come across to you as Alpha Male? Did you want a dominant seeming, Alpha Male at the time? If so, why?
Or was he overly charming and seemingly selfless and you desperately needed attention and care at the time? Why?
Or was it the danger of the situation, the idea of being better than his wife - are you competitive by nature and wanted to 'steal' him or prove that you were better and more powerful than her?
Look into yourself and what your weaknesses were at that time.
You have gained a lot of sympathy from this website. BUT I don't feel it is completely deserved - you should never have been in the situation in the first place and you don't seem to have reflected on that much at all.
You could - as an alternative - consider posting your own Facebook message saying that you completely regret what happened and will never do it again. if that's true.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018): I would worry more about your safety than your reputation.Look by the way this guy acted by posting all this is very creepy.Watch your back.If he bothers you do not hesitate to call the police and get a restraining order.Yes he does not care about other peoples feelings.But I think with him and the way he acted out has so many scary red flags.Be safe first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018): this man is nothing but a bag of trash! do you want to be with someone who does that? he does not respect you! he does not respect his wife! he vents this affair on Facebook letting people know about this personal matter now you are the whore.. please young girl, move one..block him, if possible move out, change cities, start from zero and never ever again be involved with a married man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018): Babe it amazes me why people always blame the other woman yet it takes 2 to tango, this guy is to blame too and clearly him posting this post shows that he doesn't care about his wife's feelings and certainly didn't care about yours either and how his post would affect you. There is nothing you can do now expect just wait until people see something eles to talk about, trust me you may be the talk of the office for couple days and then as the saying goes "today's news will be tomorrow's fish and chips paper". Block this man from Facebook and your phone etc, if he still harnesses you then go to the police. Learn from this Hun and don't get involved with a married again, I know you can't help who you fall for and sometimes men lie and say there single or they split from there wife but in future Just run for the hills the next time a married guy or guy with a girlfriend approaches you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 April 2018):
 Despite living in a society which pays lip service to equality of the genders, when it comes to affairs, it is still usually the woman who is seen as the "guilty" party and is vilified when the affair becomes public knowledge. You are learning that the hard way.
In your shoes I would close the Facebook account (easily done in a few clicks). Then, if you need an account, set up a new one in a different name and/or with the security settings set so that only friends can see your account. Only invite friends you know and trust to become your account friends.
The gossip and staring at work will blow over. Most things are a "2 minute wonder" these days. Hold your head high, stay friendly with your colleagues, politely refuse to answer any questions about this man or the affair and just get on with your work. Your co-workers will soon find something else to focus on.
In your shoes, my main concern would be what this man will do next. He now has nothing to lose. For him to not only tell his wife about the affair but also to put her through the anguish of seeing "that post" on social media tells me he has no empathy for people nearest and dearest to him. This includes YOU. I wonder if he considered for a moment the effect his actions would have on your personal and professional life? If he did, he obviously didn't care enough not to put you through this. All he was bothered about was his own hurt and lashing out. He is a loose cannon and you need to be very careful.
Don't be alone with him EVER. Don't answer any calls from him. Definitely do not allow him in your house. Watch that he does not follow you. Make sure your doors and windows are secure. I am not trying to frighten you; I just feel that, having burned his bridges, he has nothing left to lose so there is really no telling what he may do next. This is not a man in love; this is a man obsessed with what he wants. Please look after yourself.
In your shoes, I would be applying for a new job or a transfer if appropriate and putting as much distance between myself and this man as possible.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 April 2018):
Wow, what an absolute asshole.
Dragging you to the bottom with him. I think it’s safe to say you’ve learnt your lesson the hard way here and I don’t think there’s any danger of you doing something like this again.
Unfortunately there’s not much you can do here, besides remove the tag, block him so it won’t link to your profile anymore however it will still be up there. You could report it to Facebook but there’s no guarantees that it will be taken down. This really is the time now to IGNORE absolutely every communication attempt from him as this is his last ditch effort to win you over.
He has shown how low he’s willing to go. I can see further unannounced visits to your home coming as he feels he’s lost control of the situation and has no way of contacting you. I would 100% be trying to force that transfer through that you mentioned in your last question and think it may be wise to consider talking to HR.
He has made this incredibly serious now, lots of people have seen this, family/friends and co-workers. You said you didn’t want to hurt his career but it seems he has absolutely no regard whatsoever for yours. In this situation I’d say screw him (not literally) and do whatever YOU need to do to ensure your job is safe.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2018):
Contact Facebook and have then REMOVE his post.
BLOCK him and EVERYONE who has sent hate your way on Facebook.
My guess is he was already done with his marriage but he USED you to get out of it. And was hoping at the same time to manipulate you into keep seeing him.
Also, DO NOT add coworkers to your Facebook.
IF he will treat his wife this way... can you imagine what he might do to you?
Yes, you need to worry. And yes, you NEED to be careful here.
BLOCK BLOCK and put up the HIGHEST privacy setting you can find on Facebook.
HE had NO right to out you like this. Even if you had agreed to an affair... this is not right.
Hopefully, this will make you see him for what he is... a PIECE of SHIT human being, husband and man.
Keep trying for that transfer. Hold your head up high. Yes, you made a mistake being in an affair and now you are paying for it. The thing is, you ENDED it. You did the right thing, albeit a bit late but you still ended it.
If Facebook won't take it down, consider talking to the HR department and if they do NOT help, thePolice - yes, I remember you don't want to hurt his career but you should let HIM ruin yours!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): Good thing you ended the relationship! He obv lacks a moral compass AND thinks Facebook is where you announce the end of a marriage. Nothing romantic here. He may as well tattoo the big letter L on his forehead.
He’s a loser.
Probably time to check in with HR and see what your options are.
Also check in with your doctor to see about getting counseling to see why you’d fall for a guy with an L tattooed on his forehead. Do you have a pattern of making really crappy choices like this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): If no one really knows about the affair from you .. then be silent.. just shake your head when it's mentioned and say you really don't wish to comment as your at work. Tell family you made a silly mistake and it's done.. he is very nasty and it comes across what lengths he is willing to go .. keep him at a great distance and stay safe. Do not go with him anywhere who knows what he may do
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 April 2018):
Talking to him will give him what he wants. I don’t know what you can do about Facebook. I’m sure there is some way you can prevent him tagging you in the future.
Remember no one cares about other people’s lives at least not for long. So keep your head up do your job and only explain to people you need to explain to. This will pass.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 April 2018):
 The fact he treated his wife (and child/children) with such little respect is a HUGE warning sign, horrible nasty man who couldn't get what he wanted so he threw a big tantrum damaging everybody who loves him in the process.
You need to start looking for another job, move home to your parents if you need to, because if he doesn't get what he wants from you his behaviour will only get worse, AND he will blame YOU for how he has treated his wife.
Horrible, horrible man, keep an eye on your back, who knows what he will do next.
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A
female
reader, WantingOut +, writes (27 April 2018):
WantingOut is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel horrible for his wife ! It’s one thing to tell her about us I’m fine with that but to post that on Facebook the same day ! That’s horrible and to tag me in it for my family to see. It’s like he wanted to shake all of us.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 April 2018):
 There really is not a lot you can do now as the damage is done. The best thing to do is to block him on social media and ignore him. He has obviously developed feelings for you and that is why he has told his wife. However what he done was plain cruel to his wife posting that on social media. It sounds like he doesn't care about other peoples feelings.
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