A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I am engaged and both my fiance an I want to experience our fantasies, but I am not sure if I can commit to doing his.Mine is a foursome with him and two other girls, I am Bisexual so I am okay with mine, but his is BDSM an I don't know if I can do it... please I need help.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 April 2018):
 It appears the OP has left the room. For those interested in an exploration of BDSM and american culture. I read chapter 4 of Mating in Captivity this morning. The Author Esther Perel, covers the topic, and why we fear it. BDSM is much less of a fringe sexuality now. Understanding it will be helpful. Our OP should certainly read this as her Fiance is interested in it.
A
female
reader, Greene +, writes (29 April 2018):
That's OK! Just because it's a "fantasy" doesn't mean it's a good thing to do, for you or for him.
People can call anything a fantasy; that doesn't make it immediately: safe, fun, psychologically uplifting, not painful.
It's just a want, a desire. We don't always get our wants and desires if they hurt our fiancee.
Since you're being asked to take such a central role in executing this fantasy, it's up to you to determine what you think of it. If you won't love it but you don't think it will really bother you to go through with it, then maybe you want to agree. Maybe you want to TENTATIVELY try it out, with lots of genuinely respectful room to back out if it feels off to you. Maybe you already know you'll feel degraded and don't want to set that dynamic in place with a man you'll be spending future decades with. Or you don't want to degrade him.
I've dabbled in this with a boyfriend and I quickly saw the difference between exciting roughness and disrespect. I suspect it's all in the nuances of the people involved and the relationship, and in this case, it turned my stomach in that little moment when I saw that he got glee from making me powerless. I did not like that.
Good luck. Don't feel selfish; he's asking a lot from you (by conventional standards, at least). Be a nice person to him, but figure out what's fair for you. Maybe he's not such a fair guy--figure that out too! :)))
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): Nothing wrong with being a dominant woman.
You get to beat him, spit on him, piss on him, crush his head between your heels and cuss his sorry pitiful state of a worthless creature that isn't even worthy to kiss your feet. What is more, he gets to enjoy every moment of it. Fun for you and fun for him.
Give him what he wants!
As for you... Do you really want others involved in your sham of a potential marriage???
OAO
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): I am sorry but there is no way in heck that you are ready to get married.Grow up some more first.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 April 2018):
I'm not nearly as worried about his fantasy as I am about yours. Having said that I would never engage in BDSM as a dominant with a reluctant submissive. On top of that reluctant dominant's aren't much fun.
Here is the deal. You are engaged, have you two agreed to the terms of an open marriage? Because with your orientation bringing in not one but two extra partners is pretty much your party. the most common result of threesome and moresome sex is jealousy and break up.
On the other hand, if the marriage is truly OPEN, he could fulfill his BDSM fantasies with someone else.
In the end, he is interested in some sort of pain play, and you are strongly against it. He wants monogamy, and you want multiple partners. You just aren't compatible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2018):
 A sure way to ruin a relationship or marriage is to add more people into the bedroom.
Some fantasies are JUST best kept as fantasies.
However, IF you two are set on living these thing out in reality - TALK things over BEFORE doing ANYTHING.
SET firm rules. Both have to stick to the rules and AGREE to the rules.
KNOW before hand what you would like to do. Having a 4-some might sounds very sexy... but you need to VERBALIZE what you want to see happening there. And HE needs to be aboard for it all.
Same with the BDSM. Have him SPELL out what it is he would want to do with you. BDSM takes total trust and total respect and total willingness. Which means you can't go at it half-asses.
If you are engaged to someone who is into a VERY different kink than you... how do you see your sexual intimacy AFTER these fantasies are played out?
Would you want to keep doing them? Open relationship? swinging?
Would you BOTH be OK with it being a one-time thing? Or would it pop up later (you think) as a problem?
Because I can see it popping up later on. Either if YOU really enjoyed the 4-some or HE really enjoyed the roleplay BDSM.
Will you still look at him the same way? After he paddled your ass or tied you up? Will HE still see YOU the same way after he saw you get off because a WOMAN gave you oral?
Sometimes if you cross certain boundaries, the cat is out of the bag and that is something you CAN NOT put back. You can't UNDO these things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): Sounds like you need to do some more discussion about your limits.
If you can’t manage this perhaps you two need to revisit the whole wedding? Is it soon?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 April 2018):
The sex advice columnist Dan Savage has a phrase GGG, Good, Giving and Game. Which means except for certain things we should all be willing to try something to please our partners.
If the BDSM thing is important to your boyfriend you should give it a try if possible. However before you do you both need to set ground rules. Ask his specifically what he wants to do. Then say yes the things you can do and no to the things you cannot. Set parameters and have a safe word. If neither of you are experienced you may want to find a mentor in the kink scene to guide you. Good luck.
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