A
female
age
36-40,
*anetbubi
writes:Have been married for two years but we dont quite undestand each other we fight over nothing and sometimes i feel like we were not meant to be together. please help(MOD NOTE: Text edited for clarity)
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male
reader, happy140  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 NEW Couples fight-WHY?? In my wife and I case it was because we didn't know each other intimately-I don't mean sexual I mean we didn't know each other at that deep level where you KNOW your spouse will stop a bullet so you don't get hurt. That intimately takes time, the 24 hours a day with each other (even if you work, your always thinking on and off of the other) were not used to that when we marry. If we didn’t feel good before marriage we went home, if we had a bad day, we went home, we went anywhere any time we wished WITHOUT have to justify that with ANYONE When we marry we lose that freedom to just walk away. They see us no matter how were feeling, good bad or indifferent, before we could just say we a little time (what we were really saying is-I just need to be away from here for a while). When we are dating we try NOT to let the other know we having a bad time. We just went away.
What my wife and I did, because the fights were so bad that we felt as if we hated each other and what the hell did we get married for, we BOTH made the decisions, to ourselves that we loved each other and we want this to work. We first started reading Men are from Mars and women from Venus-why-we were told that book had a lot of insight on how the males and females thinking differ. We did that, it helped, then we started thinking about, OK now is this really a battle I need to win or is it just not that darn important, usally it wasn’t important enough to be fighting over-I would say I’m sorry. It made no difference if I was right or wrong, my “I’m sorry” wasn’t really saying I was wrong what I was saying is this is just plain dumb, to me it was saying I love you and I just don’t want to be made and act like I hate you. I always, and I mean ALWAYS did the tings around the house as I always did such as (while arguing no less) I would make her lunch, make her dinner or do anything I could for her so she could see that here I am, supposedly mad, and I’m doing something for her. This let her KNOW that I still care, sometimes it made her mad and she let me know-she would say “if your so pissed off at me how can you make my lunch??” I would CALMLY just say, “Because I still love you, I do not NOT LOVE YOU BECAUSE WE ARGUE”. As time went on and we chose our battles and said no to wars things got better. It may have taken a year but we made sure each other KNEW BEYOND ANYTHING THAT WE LOVED EACH OTHER that is what so important in any relationship, the other has to know, I do not mean hear it, I MEAN KNOW IT. There are so many things we can do to show it, run a bath, make a favorite dinner, buy a flower (a flower-this means more than a bunch, it says something in itself, its not bunch up with a lot of others, if focuses on the singular, that one argument), think what can be done that shows how unselfish you are. The other spouse will follow. If love was easy we would take it for granted, LOVE IS HARD, it just is. The WHY is because we change, maybe quicker or slower or in a different direction then our spouse-we change that is the bottom line. When we truly love we accept our spouses change, think about it..Is it that hard to except their change or do we not want them to change (that will NOT happen). When we argue, if we look back, we have learned a lot about the other. Stick with it, LOVE is worth it, just always try to find away around arguing or a way to end it-try to NEVER go to bed mad-that leads to resentment and stewing time, BAD, VERY BAD-MARRIAGE is so worth it. GOOD LUCK, BUT KNOW YOU AND HE LOVE THE OTHER DEEP INSIDE.
A
female
reader, victoria721983 +, writes (23 April 2010):
My husband and I are experiencing the same exact issues and we've been married a little over 2 years. We get along great, however, when it comes to somethings we argue and argue. He doesn't understand me and I do not understand him. My husband and I have no bond but it's because I've been through some traumatic situations and I am scared to open up to him and let him in. In order to understand him better, I would ask questions that are inquisitive. Just as you get to know a friend, ask him questions as such. I have been doing this and it seems that we are slowly but surely getting there to create a bond between us. It's a long process and patience and willingness from both of you is needed. However, don't be sad about this. It happens in a lot of marriages and I'm sure you are not doing anything wrong. Feel free to write me back. If you want to let me know some of the issues you can't agree on, I may be able to help you more.
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A
male
reader, LarryGalapagos +, writes (23 April 2010):
I think we'll need more details to help you.
Certainly, communication is one of the most important aspects in a relationship. How is it that you are not understanding each other?
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A
female
reader, Just Diana  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Hi, smile, I believe that what you are going through is very normal. How long did you know each other before you were married. Did you go for pre marital counseling? You are wired differently...you need to constantly communciate around trying to understand each others language. This can be exhuasting I am sure, however marriage I believe is a very trying time, especially in the initial years. Dont give up! Get a counselor on board to help you both better understand each other. DONT GIVE UP.....I will be so bold as to promise you that should you both put in the work that you will both reap the benefits. ps) do you give each other enough space and time without the other always present?
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