A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My relationship is good, at home my boyfriend is great to me and we've been together 6 years. But when we go out, there's the problem. He recently told me that he can't be himself when I'm around - he can be more rude and talk to who he wants. I'm not clingy, and we are both of the idea that when u go out with friends/to a party, you don't wall yourself up from everyone like an icky teenage couple, you can do that at home! Problem 2: I arrived to at a club to see him and all our friends, and he said he felt 'obliged' to come over and greet me.Now, I may not speak boy, but does anyone understand what the hell this is about. I think it sounds horrible, but he can justify it to me and after other loving actions of his, i brush it aside. But it's weird!! He can be so indignant about that and in his own words, 'isn't empathetic' so he honestly can't tell how it makes me feel (and it's true, he isn't, not in a bad way, more of a sad way). Should I just be grateful that everything else is great, or is it a failing idea to want to marry someone who feels at some points that they can't 'be themself' around you (I STILL don't know what that means!!) It makes me feel sad and resentful, I try to hide it because no man wants to come home to a sulky face (I know THAT much :P) I hope some men can answer this question, because if any women understand what the hell he means, then they deserve a medal x Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): Dear Person
My heart goes out to you. I am married and my husband for 16 years told me the same thing and that is also the reason that he will not be romantically involve with me, although he says he loves me. I feel so depressed that it is hard to go to work, I am so confused and if I try to talk about it, I am either bitching, or "Why do we have to have this conversation...." He does not feel he can be happy around me and he says that he can be sooooo excited about something and he will keep it to himself so that I don't burst his bubble. Sweet child, I only have few things that keep me going, I go out of a comatose state while functioning, I don't know why he feels like this. I didn't know how his words can hurt me so very much and the things he said I don't know how I could live with myself if this is how he feels. My heart breaks, truely breaks. I have gave him my best years raising his kids partime (who I truely do love) but what he says is horrible. He says "Its not the end of the world" and walks off like nothing has happened. Well, it really does feel like the end of the world when the one you are spending the rest of your life with tells you such a horrific image he has of you. Does he want the comforts of our life and his what ever he is missing? Yes, I think so, I also think I am to except it, wether I am off to the side lines. Please young lady, please, marriage is an investment, a relationship is an investment of yourself, you give of yourself openly and freely to eachother. Please for yourself, find true happiness, with yourself and KNOW that you are someone who DESERVES love and openness, if he shall continue with this act or sherade, then do not be apart of it. I thought in time, he will see the real me, I only want to feel loved and alive with my person I am to share my life with, not at all the emptiness and confusion I have been struggling with mostly toward these last five years. I've tried to change to the point of summit, but then I was a fake, and get disrespected by others close to him to. I am too old, too tired, to empty, to leave, I just want to be happy and have the man I love truely feel wonderful about himself and me. I ask you, if you are feeling this way? Things will always be difficult and if you are a people pleaser, you will never be pleased because he will always have something he focuses on you that ruins his life. He needs to take responsibility of hisself and stop the roller coaster so that you can become grounded. I wish you the most happiness for your life my dear. Please don't try to fix everything, he should walk proudly with you on his arm, not the way he is acting toward you. If he knows how much he means to you then why isn't he open on working the relationship for the both of you? Why isn't he proud of you instead of obligated. He is not worth your energy, TRUE LOVE AND RESPECT will walk hand in hand, but accusing you for his emotions walks with clenched fists. Please live your life fully, it should not be hard to be yourself and to be loved the way you would like to be. God bless you and I wish you ALL the best and strength.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 "I arrived to at a club to see him and all our friends, and he said he felt 'obliged' to come over and greet me."
He is obliged. Its one of the sides of being a good boyfriend, you dont ignore your girlfriend. If he has a problem with this he has a problem with being your boyfriend in general. He probably feel "obliged" to kiss you on the lips as well.
Oh and I'd like a medal please! I know what it means when he says he can't be himself around you! It means just that. That he feels he has to hold back, or go out of his way and do things he doesnt really feel like doing etc etc. You know what though, its NOT your fault. Its his. If he isn't being himself around you he needs to start acting like himself around you. The only one stopping him is himself. As you said, you aren't clingy. And I dont get the impression that you try to change him or make him something he is not.
Im guessing after 6 years your guy is having a moment of not knowing who he is anymore. He's been with you so long he needs to remind himself who he is. On one side he's your boyfriend, and on the other side he wants to be just himself. Which he should be. He was himself when you two met and it didn't stand in the way for you two to be together.
Try and tell him that you understand him and what he needs and suggest these things:
That he relaxes and doesnt try so hard to think about what he is obliged to or not, but simply does what he WANTS to do. And that he shouldn't worry, but be himself in your company. That you love him and naturally allow him to be himself.
Then for the first month or two don't immedeately react if he does something weird in your presence. If he suddenly lets a fart rip or something, just laugh. If he makes odd jokes, just smile. If he makes a mess of the appartment, dont say a work. Let him be a little crazy. I think that once he sees that he CAN be himself around you he will calm down and get back to his usual self again. He just needs to know that you wont think he is weird, or punish him, if he acts out his quirky sides.
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A
female
reader, Just Diana +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I am sorry to hear your confusion. My belief is that this relationship is not going to last. He has already strayed from you and is already acting out on that "freedom".
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A
female
reader, TooGenerous  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Women and men will never figure each other out. It is the facts of life. I would say that it sounds like he wants to keep his options open. He doesn't want you to be around him because he is looking for something else. I hate to say leave him, but knowing what I know now - Leave Him!
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A
female
reader, Keylock +, writes (23 April 2010):
MEN...yes its good that he treats you so well when you are at home, but shouldnt this be done everywhere you are.
So your man is saying in the presence of other people he cant be himself when you are around? So he can only be himself when you guys are all by yourself. it doesnt work like that and it shouldnt work like that. Marriage is about adjusting, compromising and why is this coming out now?
Your man has to know that when you guys got married it meant, you dont think about yourself only but also about the partner.
i just think MEN in general tend to move for things that they are not ready for.
its good that you are not clingy. N its good that you dont sulk. what you have to do is try and ignore him and see how he reacts when you are in the presence of other people.
He is just not taking note of your feelings, and i mean you are not his girlfriend here, you are his wife. the one he chose out of so many people so he should be comfortable.
eish girl, i sort of feel your fustration.
MEN are hard to read!
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