A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Facts:I've been married to my wife for over 20 year.About 15 years ago, her female friend was dating someone? Back then we were had regular BBQ in my house.Her female friend broke relations a year later.My wife kept taking to them on a regular basis.About 7 years ago her female friend got married.About 5 years ago her male got married.They met each other at my house a few time at some BBQ.About 6 month ago Her female friend, broke a log time relation ( 7 years ) with her husband.Her female friend visit her on a regular basis, to chat, drink beer, coffee, smoke or what ever they do.I've kept my distance from her male friend, I do not consider him my friend but know person same as here female friend.What I don't understand:Her male friends have never invited his wife to our house.She talks to him on a regular basis.He goes to our house only to drink and have fun or when we have a celebration, party or what ever. It's not the other way around.He lives about 2 hours away from us.Most of the time he meats her ( my wife ), her sister and some other friends at my wife sister house where they drink alcohol. I don't like ambient, so I'm never around. I rarely drink alcohol.What bothers me:When he talks to his wife over the phone and he is with us I can hear him tell his wife he is with me, Why not just say his with his old female friend?I've caught my wife, not telling things that are important to me like: They ( The group! ) or she got him a present for his birthday and I found out because I found a very well broke receipt. I've notice they talk almost every day. When he comes to a unexpected place or family reunion he sometimes comes but I'm was not told, but she know about it.I'm an antiquated type of person and I don't think this is normal at all.Why am I concern?What should I do?This is with out a doubt a problem I'm facing. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): They are having an affair, they are lovers.
They don't want to tell you because they are afraid they will break your heart.
She will denied anything with him and he will do the same.
Check the phone records, it will show that they talk to each other more than 3 times per day. ( In the morning, day and last at night ).
Unfortunately I think it's late for you to do something. It's a long lasting relation that has worked for them. No commitment and just a sex, talk, fantasy thing. It will be hard to break that.
If you break that relations with your wife, they will probably also break relationship. Another possibility is that you will then know who your wife really is!
Sorry.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): GeeGee,
So why does he tell his wife he is there to see you?
That's a question the my wife has to tell him.
I've asked her, I'm waiting.
And why doesn't he ever bring his wife to your home?
Good question why? Why if they are so good frieds, why can't she visit him to his house, with his wife?
It doesn't sound like anything has changed between them?
I hope not, I don't think. But maybe in the future.
And why did you wait 15 years to object?
Because, before they talked a few times per year, now it's like every day.
About a year, His wife had an accident, and she can't walk.
It's a sad, I know, but this should not involved my family.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (7 March 2011):
It seems that there is an emotional affair building between your wife and this friend. Your wife and this man wouldn't be hiding stuff from their spouses unless there is something wrong between both of them (even his wife isn't comfortable with this weird friendship).I say kick him out of your life and tell his wife about your concerns and what he is hiding from her. Finally tell your wife to choose between you or this loser.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (6 March 2011):
 However it started, it appears your wife and this man have become good friends with each other over the past 15 years. So why does he tell his wife he is there to see you? And why doesn't he ever bring his wife to your home? I don't know, maybe you should ask them. I suspect it is becuase his wife might not care for it anymore than you do. So they have tried to be discrete about the friendship to their mutual spouses. While this behavior may be a little dishonest it is not a good enough reason to try to break up their friendship and/or cause trouble in a 20 plus year marriage. Unless of course you suspect something more is going on between them. Which I doubt since you say your wife is not spending any time alone with him away from you or her family. So I suggest you have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your fears and concerns. But be careful not to be too harsh or judgemental with her or you may end up pushing her away from you (and towards him).Think about it, which is better to you? That your wife has a close male friend that you know about and you know whenever she talks to him or sees him, or that your wife has a close male friend that she has to sneak around behind your back with to talk to or see? And why did you wait 15 years to object? It doesn't sound like anything has changed between them? And I highly doubt they are in danger of having an affair after all this time. If they were you would have found some evidence of it by now. So maybe something has changed between you and your wife? Maybe after 20 years you are both guilty of taking each other for granted. Maybe you think she talks to him more than she talks to you. Maybe she does. If so I suggest you concentrate on building your relationship with her. If that is strong enough then you have no need to worry about anyone else coming between you after 20 years together. Maybe your concerns about him is just a symptom of a bigger problem, maybe not. These are questions only you can answer. But you need to be clear about them before you talk to your wife about her friend. Maybe it's not the friendship you object to as much as being kept in the dark about all these things you mention. Like when he suddenly shows up at a family function. If so, tell your wife that, I'm sure she would love to be more open about it if you let her know it's okay to do so.Tell her you are willing to be more accepting about her friendship as long as she is up front with you about the when and where. Now I'm not suggesting you throw the door wide open to this man and be a fool. You're smart to keep your eyes and ears open. But if you have never really allowed her the freedom to be totally honest with you before about these kind of things then you have to take some of the blame. If I have misread any of this please feel free to correct my mistakes or provide any additional information you feel would be helpful. And let us know how it works out.I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (6 March 2011):
 I think you should show your wife this post. In it you have laid out all your concerns. Your list of concerns seem reasonable. If it were my husband doing this I would be concerned.
I could make assumptions about your wife's friend based on what you wrote, but I don't want to do that. It's too easy to get it wrong in cases like this. The only thing that really matters is that you are not okay with your wife's relationship with this male friend. It bothers you. As her husband you have a right to tell her how you feel, and she needs to take your feelings into consideration when choosing to spend time with friends, male or female. Tell your wife how much it bothers you. Try to work it out with her.
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