A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I got married 3 yrs ago, but fell in love with someone else. I don't want to hurt my wife, but can't help thinking about the other women. I know the other women also loves me, and will wait an eternity for me. My wife is 20 yrs younger than me, but tends to show me little affection and is rarely intimate with me. What should I do for the best?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Your marriage is not fixable. Do not go through the motions and waste yours and your wife's time.
You will not find PASSION with her. None of us can live a life without PASSION.
If the new woman brings passion and joy and fulfillment to your life, do not let her go.
It is rare to find someone you share passion with and someone who is willing to wait for you despite all the obstacles.
Remember, it is not just you who has checked out of the marriage. It seems your wife has as well.
Follow your heart. Do not live a lie.
Find happiness with the other woman. Your heart is with her now.
You are not married to any vows when a relationship is not working and is DEAD and cannot be revived.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): Most people when they get married, make vows. Did you? Are you a man of your word? How seriously do you take your vows, and your word? Be a man if integrity- Do not see the 'other' woman, and fix your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Marie59  +, writes (4 November 2013):
Marriage is a forever thing. You only are supposed to get married once. Maybe you feel this way about the other woman because you are not getting enough attention from your wife? You need to fix things with your wife. You chose her and you are married. I would suggest marriage counselling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): You my friend have answered your own question. You by your own omission are not happy with your marriage. You again by your own words have another woman that loves you. Do not wait another day and take proactive steps to correct your issues and problems in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): Sometimes we think we may love and want to be with our spouse for the rest of our lives but it does not always end up that way.Maybe you had those intentions when you got married but people change, situations change and sometimes it takes another person to walk into your life for you to realize you are not fully and completely in love with your wife.If you were, you would not have such strong feelings for this other woman, period.Sex and intimacy is a big part of a relationship. You cannot live without it. Without physical intimacy, without that spark, your marriage is dead. I do not think it can be revived at this point. You are already emotionally, perhaps physically, involved with another woman. The moment this happened was the moment you chose to give up on your marriage.You must choose between them. Ultimately, you cannot have both. It is unfair to keep both of them in limbo indefinitely while you enjoy the best of both worlds. You are probably comfortable with your wife and afraid to take the leap because your life as you know it would change. And most of us are afraid of change. But sometimes it takes change to make us happy in the end. And we may need to go through some short term uncertainty and instability for things to end up right on track.We have a short life. You may have found the love of your life. Yes, it can happen even when you are married.She must really love you to wait for you.We should live our lives being happy not being tied down to a person or situation out of obligation.I agree with the other poster. Do what makes your heart sing. That is what counts. Follow your heart. I think that if you don't, you will end up regretting it.I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Life is to short to be in a marriage all by yourself.Conversation is the key to all things in a relationship.So if you are unhappy move on do what makes your heart sing!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2013):
 So why did you get married and stay married if there is little affection?
And why is it OK to get emotionally attached to someone else instead of either ending the marriage or fixing it? Adding another person to the mix isn't doing anything for you is it?
If your marriage isn't working you have two choices:
1. Talk to the wife & end it
2. Talk to your wife & fix it
You say you don't want to hurt your wife, having an emotional affair with another woman will hurt. Maybe that is why she is withholding affection?
Basically, however crude this may sound, you need to shit or get off the pot. Don't play two women.
And IF you end your marriage, don't "date" the other woman til your divorce is final.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 November 2013):
 If you are only 3 years into the marriage and your wife is no longer intimate with you, perhaps its time for a chat and see what is going on.
You will only fight for what is most important to you but you need to find out why she is avoiding you in this way...maybe she knows about the other woman?
If not and if neither of you are happy with the way things are, maybe it's time to bite the bullet and end things. Hurt is inevitable, but only time will tell if it's you hurting or her.
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (3 November 2013):
Sounds like a recipe for a disaster.Why did you get married in the first place then?It already sounds like a loveless marriage.You need to have a heart to heart with your wife to see if the marriage can be saved .The other woman might become the eternal mistress as so often happens and becoming bitter in the end.This is not the basis for a happy marriage.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 November 2013):
 Here's the question you need to sit back and answer to yourself. Honestly. You don't have to come back and post it here. You just need to arrive at the answer and give that conclusion some thought.Would you stay in (and work on) your marriage if the other woman wasn't in the picture?I ask because it's not right or more importantly healthy to jump from one marriage straight into another. If your wife actively mistreats you, if your marriage is actually that bad, then leave, FOR YOURSELF. For your own wellness and happiness. And then take the time to be single, and reflect on what went wrong in your first marriage, and what you want in a future partner to prevent that happening again. If new Ms. Right is genuinely right for you, and if she truly cares about your happiness, she will wait until that process is over and you are ready and whole enough as a person to love again.If you'd still be happy in your marriage had you NOT met this new woman, then I think you want out for the wrong reasons. Maybe you've gotten a little bored with married life and she's something "new" and different. Does that mean she will be any better for you in the long run? Not necessarily. You don't say how well you two are acquainted or if she is aware that you're married, but my guess is that you see the SIDE of her - read: one side - that she chooses to show you. If she knows you are married and is trying to win you away from your current wife, she'll be doing her best to show you perfection in the hope that you'll deem her better than your wife in enough ways to make a divorce worth the mess and expense it will cause in your life. But the very perfection that tempts you is more than likely an act, and one she won't be able to maintain forever. Speaking of your wife, you mention that she is distant and rarely intimate with you. How long has this been an issue? (I assume - and please correct me if I'm wrong - that she was not that way when you married, or you probably would not have considered her marriage material.)I ask because it's quite possible SHE has sensed that your interest is elsewhere now that you've met this other woman. Maybe not consciously, but I think that on some level most partners in a relationship can sense when their loved one is "not him/herself" and the usual closeness and intimacy takes a hit. Be honest with yourself: are you as interested in intimacy with your wife now that your heart is with this other woman? Surely not.Your post is very brief but what I read into it is that you are looking for an "out" - an excuse to leave your marriage and pursue this other woman despite the pain it is likely to cause your wife. Unless there is more to the trouble in your marriage than you've described, my advice to you given only the facts you've stated here would be to try and work on your marriage first before giving up and filing for divorce. Take your wife to marital counseling, if need be, but so far nothing you've described here is grounds to call it quits with a clean conscience.Good luck and best wishes with this :)
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