A
female
age
41-50,
*ismrs
writes:My husband was very sexual with me in the beginning. He had to have sex at every meeting. After we moved in together his interest dissipated a bit. I'd say we had sex 4 to 5 times a week. After living together for 1 year we were having sex maybe 3 times a week. Around 2 years we were having sex 1 time a week. Now a little more than 2 years have passed and we only have sex 1 or 2 times a month. That extreme has happened only in the last couple of months. Some things have changed. We are not as "wild" as we once were. We did some pretty kinky stuff in the beginning and I've stopped due to moral dilemmas and religious reasons. We're both working now (I wasn't before) and more tired. I stopped drinking in February. (Alcohol was an aphrodisiac for me.. lol). He stopped drinking a couple of months ago. We seem fine. We get along well. We LIKE each other. We are friends. But there's no sexual chemistry anymore. For either of us really. I refuse to ask him for sex. I don't want it if I have to ask for it. I want to be DESIRED. It seems like we will go on this way for the rest of our lives. I don't want a divorce. He doesn't seem to want one either. We love each other, but what about SEX? Am I wrong to think that sex and lust are essential to a good relationship? If he doesn't want me *that way* anymore, does it mean that he doesn't love me really? Will he end up cheating on me? Sometimes I think about cheating just for affection. Then I push the thought away quickly. Is there any hope for he and I?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I'm going through along the lines of the same problem..I get where you get tired of initiating sex , the guy is supposed to be the one who wants it 24-7, right? Wrong, they get tired, stressed out, and all that will kill their sex drive...What I did was talk to my husband and let him know that I'm sick of asking for sex when I want to be desired, I want you to want me..I don't feel wanted and desired when I'm always the one mentioning it. We talked, he didn't know how I felt and it has gotten a little better. It's not going to get better right away but in time it will. Sometimes spelling it out isn't going to work, you gotta turn off the TV and have a heart to heart. Please don't cheat, that will get you a one night stand or a full blown affair that will cause more problems for your marriage.
A
female
reader, hismrs +, writes (14 October 2010):
hismrs is verified as being by the original poster of the question I hope I am responding correctly, I'm new to the site. @sexlessintheuk It's nice to hear that this is somewhat normal. I am a private person and don't discuss things of this nature with friends - so I really wouldn't know. I agree that we both need to make an effort. Thank you. @ivanichiaynus "You don't want to ask him for sex yet you expect him to desire you and ask you? Hmm, can you see where you are going wrong there?" Maybe I'm just daft, but no I don't see where I'm going wrong there. In my past relationships men were more sexual towards me without me having to bait them along. Of course, I was younger and better looking then. Lol. It would be funny, if it weren't so sad. Blah.. Anyway, this is something I've never tried - seducing a man. It makes me nervous to even think about doing so. I suppose you could be on to something. ;)"As far as your sexual needs are concerned, do you just want the sex for its own sake or do you want the emotional commitment too - and is that missing as well?"Well.. there's the tricky part. I do want it simply because we don't have it BUT I want it because my needs aren't being met, as well. Emotional commitment? I'm not sure how you mean. I once read that men show emotions more through sex. My husband is not a talker. I never know what he is feeling. I guess that was fine until we stopped having sex. Now, it's like a total disconnect between us. We're living together. But that's about it. We don't cuddle or hug or kiss or hold each other. No physical intimacy here. :("Does he appear to lust after others, watch porn or indulge in any like activity to indicate that his interest is still there, but not in you?"He does. Porn that is. He doesn't look at other women leeringly. He just never has been that way. I'm sure he feels attraction to people, but he doesn't make it obvious around me. As for porn, yeah. He is into really kinky porn. Lol... Actually I asked him about it recently and he stopped - I guess he got embarrassed. His libido lessened afterward. I think the porn was helping him be aroused for me and my bringing it up shut that down. I have no major issues with him watching it.. other than that it's things he and I can no longer do. And forget vanilla/soft core porn, you know how it is - you become desensitized to that stuff. Besides, I guess I'd be jealous of even tame porn. :( I wish I wasn't. You see, he's not having sex with me and he's not attracted to me (so it seems), but there are women he is attracted to (ie porn"stars"). When our sex life was alive and well I didn't have those insecurities and both of us watched porn. Alone or together. Neither of us got upset about it. @CaringGuy 1)I see what you are saying there. I get that it takes two - but you see, it didn't used to take two. Before, he wanted me *just because*. And I loved that. 2)I think you've hit the nail right on the head with that one. I've thought about that too. As soon as I told him I could no longer do x,y and z - things came to a screaching (sp?) halt. I've wondered if he's afraid to offend me. I've wondered if he thinks because of my religious views I don't want sex. My religion teaches that a man's body is not his own but belongs to his wife - and vice versa. Maybe I should mention that. At the same time, my religion teaches that you shouldn't do things "unnatural". Whatever that means. Lol. 3)What I mean by "thinking about cheating" - Fantasizing. Wondering about other men. What I DON'T mean by "thinking about cheating" - CONSIDERING cheating. Finding ways to do so. Thinking of a particular man to carry this out with. So, yeah I realize it's a slippery slope, but you've misunderstood me just a bit, I think. I GET what you're saying though. All things I've said to myself. When he picked me, I was a completely different person. Now I am this and he is still with me - but it's not what he "paid for" so to speak. I know. :("This is the tit for tat that winds up destroying marriages for no reason." I know and I see it going there eventually."Why don't you go to him? Why are you not telling him you miss sex in your life and wish there was more? "I have. I started telling him as soon as it started dying. I want sex to happen several times a week, if at all possible. He knows that. I may have different moral guidelines now, but my libido is (and always has been) high and probably will be for a long while."Why are you so easily giving up on your marriage"I haven't given up on it. I don't want a divorce. I think ultimately he and I will stay together. Neither of us will cheat and things will go on this way forever."STOP BEING SO PROUD. Go to your husband and ravish him woman!"Pride is something I have in abundance. Everyone says so.@Madalo 1 "maybe your husband is afraid of offending you in one way or another." I think you are absolutely right.
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A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (14 October 2010):
I agree with the first two posters: you should put an effort if you want more sex. It seems communication is the problem here. You talked of a religious dilemma; maybe your husband is afraid of offending you in one way or another. It seems both of you want sex but you have to communicate.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 October 2010):
Men want to be DESIRED too. There's no use in you sitting there not asking him. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and at the moment you're the one letting to team down. This is a huge overreaction on your part I'm afraid. For a few reasons.
1 - You won't ask for sex. You're expecting him to do all the running. That's not fair.
2 - Your religious and moral views now prevent you from doing kinkier stuff. Fair enough, but you have you thought that this may be the reason he's not coming to you more? Perhaps he thinks you're not interested, and given that you're not showing interest because you won't talk to him about it, I'm not surprised.
3 - You refuse to ask him, you also have changed your own views, and you THINK ABOUT CHEATING! See the irony at all? "I won't ask for sex from my husband, because I want to be desired. I won't do kinkier stuff because or MORAL and RELIGIOUS views - But I will think about cheating on my husband"
I'm sorry, I try hard not to judge people - but this problem is more about you than him. You're not putting effort in, so in return neither is he. You're not desiring him, so why should he desire you. You're even considering cheating! This is the tit for tat that winds up destroying marriages for no reason.
This can be worked out, very much so. But you've got to come down from your pedestal and stop being so proud (a sin in itself, I might add). Why don't you go to him? Why are you not telling him you miss sex in your life and wish there was more? Why are you so easily giving up on your marriage and considering cheating? STOP BEING SO PROUD. Go to your husband and ravish him woman!
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A
male
reader, ivanichiaynus +, writes (14 October 2010):
 You don't want to ask him for sex yet you expect him to desire you and ask you? Hmm, can you see where you are going wrong there?
As far as your sexual needs are concerned, do you just want the sex for its own sake or do you want the emotional commitment too - and is that missing as well?
Does he appear to lust after others, watch porn or indulge in any like activity to indicate that his interest is still there, but not in you?
Ivan.
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