A
female
age
36-40,
*at8124
writes:Help! I got married 1 year ago but have been with my partner for 5. This year has been very up and down and I know that everyone says that the 1st year is hardest but I think this is different. The passion seems to have completely drained out of our relationship. On paper we sound perfect together but we have drifted apart so much this last year that I don't know if I can find my way back or if I want to. I look at my husband and I see my best friend but there is no spark there anymore and I find that our life together has become so serious and ritualistic that its not even like we're a young, fresh couple anymore. We have our first home, no kids yet thank goodness and I just wonder that if its like this already (and I already know that it won't change because I wouldn't want him to have to change for me) then perhaps it will be easier for both of us if I get out now. The thought of leaving scares me so much but not half as much as the thought of staying in a relationship that I'm not menat to be in.
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best friend, divorce, spark Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (4 September 2008):
 Only you can make the decision - only you know the real situation and your own heart. If you truly do want to end your marriage maybe go and talk it through with a counsellor - so you can do it as decently as possible. It's obvious you don;t want to hurt this man you call your best friend. It will no doubt be very difficult for your husband to accept though - given you can't identify that much 'wrong'. He'll also struggle with the idea that you feel no 'spark' with him when once you obviously did, that'll hurt his ego/confidence etc...so you'll need to be prepared for him to express a whole range of emotions - including anger - if you do take steps to end things. It'll also be important for you to have a neutral person to discuss your own feelings with...family and friends will find it hard to be unbiased in this situation.
It seems to me you are coming up with lots of reasons NOT to try any of the strategies suggested to re-ignite things, or work on the relationship...that's quite telling. Maybe you're right - maybe it will work out better for both of you if you go your seperate ways sooner rather than later??? I don't know - but I hope you can get some clarity soon.
A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (4 September 2008):
 You dont have to spend money to get the passion back...if you both truely want it your work at it. Little things like romantic dinner at home with candles etc maybe go to the pub/bar like you would of when you was younger!
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A
female
reader, Nat8124 +, writes (4 September 2008):
Nat8124 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for all your advice! The only problem with your suggestions is that he seems to have become very career and money focused. We both have pretty good jobs and good Degrees but he doesn't like spending money so a weekend away would only make him uncomfortable. He really is my best friend but I don't know if the spark will ever come back, I think I look at him in a more platonic way now. The question I keep asking myself is 'Is that what I should settle for?'. I am not a silly young girl who thinks/needs passion and romance all the time to keep something going but do I not deserve to be in a relationship where there is at least a minor fizzle?? I have spoken to him about all this and I know that I must be hurting him when I confront him with all my doubts but the nagging feeling of needing out just will not go away.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (3 September 2008):
I think most of us go through the rough patch in a relationship when we have been with someone so long and things start to become routein and boring and serious....but if he is your best friend and you love him then you should work at it to make it last. Talk to your husband let him know how you are feeling...and try to work on what can make things how they were once were. Start dating again you dont have kids yet so you can do that....surprise him at home with a dvd and bottle of wine and cuddle up on sofa...have a weekend away. Do things you normally wouldnt do spice things up. Break the routein sometimes to keep things fresh.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (3 September 2008):
Hi Nat,
I agree with Annalisa, that maybe this marriage is worth fighting for and that you should pause and think hard before you make any big decisions. You have been with this man 6 years, you walked down the aisle with him and commited to him...there must be a whole lot that you love and admire about him and vice versa - but yes, sometimes life can seem tedious and you can feel like you're in a rut that you didn't sign up for. Relationships, marriages -these are not passive things - you have to work at them and work hard!I know I know - sounds like a cliche...but it's true!
That's what you have to decide - whether you are willing to put in the effort or not, and I guess only you can know that. If you answer no though - why?? Why are you not willing to put in the effort? It might be the easier option...but is it? Is it in the long run? Or are you in the same place sometime in the future with some other man??
My opinion is that you really need to talk with your husband about how you are feeling - you need to be totally honest with him. Find out how he feels things are going. Then maybe the two of you can start the tough task of figuring out what to do next.
I have been married 2 1/2 years - and with my man for about 8 1/2...our relationship has certainly evolved and changed over time. It's not always easy and there have been times I have felt like you do - but I also know that the love I have for this man and history and deep connection we now have as a couple is not something to throw away...so we choose to work hard to stay together. It's a conscious choice and a conscious effort....we don;t take our relationship or each other for granted.
I know you must be really struggling right now - and noone but you can really know what decision is right for you - I hope you can get some clarity either way sometime soon.
Talk to your husband.
Good luck.
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