A
female
age
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*TOMACH AND HEART ACHE
writes:Well where do you start, I just reached my 50Th wedding anniversary, I said* reached( not celebrate) because my husband said if I take you somewhere you will just just start a argument, which is not true as I paid for a trip to Vegas and he didn't feel that way then (2 months ago) that's because he likes to gamble and drink. He spends no time with me there only to eat. Most of my anniversaries have been similar. You were not good so no gift or celebration, although my children are thoughtful, they try to make-up what he doesn't do.My marriage hasn't been right for a very very long time, a wife knows when things especially in the bed room when things are not right, although he claimes he suffered from Erection problems, I asked him to see a doctor for help and he was given pills took one and said it didn't work. Put never saw the pills again. I guess they were put to good use.My husband always needs attention from other women, if we were out to dinner he always had a wondering eye, till he could connect with someone and spend the night playing cat and mouse. He puts his glasses on although he does need them for close up, its like he thinks he looks handsome with them. He always was a very private person with his earnings and over 20 years put the same amount of money in our account, saying he never got a raise, even though he kept going to work earlier and earlier, and came home the same time. Never more money in the checking account for additional hours. I found money he hid down the cellar, and pushed me around when I found it, he said thats mine, get away from it. He left the house for hours and I was so upset but, he didn't care. He later told my daughter when she asked where the money was, he said I hid it so your mother can snoop around and find it again. I have never taken any money from him that was in his wallet or hiden. His father was exactly like that including a girlfriend.xEveryone if you ask them see him as a really nice sweet guy, because he is to all of them.He was layed off and took a early retirement and I was still working he was in his glory, he would travel over 100 miles in a day but said I must be cra y I read the odometer wrong, he lost his wedding ring, I have him on a recording, talking to a women, another recording singing " I love you what more can I say", him saying you get p***d off when I don't call you,He hid a receipt for $250. gift cert., He gave me a 25.00 certificate years later , turns out it was mine that someone gave to me that I didn't use. He continues to said I'[m crazy and need help, which I did seek help, and now he tells me your listening to that stupid doctor.For years he never told me he loves me now if I ask he will say oh thats not true I have.Since I been retired he does not go out much unless I go out, he is afraid I will follow him. He says I'm cra y, but this behavior makes you cra y. He will sit on the back porch for 9-10 hours if I'm in the house if I'm out he will stay inside.I believe he truly loves someone else, but I'm not sure who, but that she is married, other wise he would leave, he says to me if you want a divorce go get one and prove all of this.What do I do at my age, start over or live the rest of my life like this. I'm so scared to be alone.I need a good detective but how do you go about finding one
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 July 2014):
 If you are in an abusive relationship, as I just read your followup, you will need to protect yourself.
Go here for referrals and help: http://www.thehotline.org
Just because you've been in a marriage for 50 years doesn't mean you need to take even one more month, week or even day of abuse.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 July 2014):
I would find the happiest divorced person you know. Ask who their divorce attorney was. Basically, go for the shark.
They will know the best detective.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 July 2014):
 After 50 years it’s a bit hard to teach, an old dog new tricks… To have him behave in the proper manner; what is done is done. He is who he is, and you are who you are. However the remaining time is yours to steer!?
But why put yourself through the angst and pain of divorce, hiring detectives etc. to prove his philandering, if it’s all to overwhelming, you can live separate under the one roof; you can go on holidays without him, as he’s lousy company anyway!? He can cook for himself, get take-away, and you can tell him to get his girlfriend to cook or leave!? There’s nothing about him worth holding on to other than your 50 years of dependency, which starting over outside those marital walls can be daunting.
When I look at my In-laws marriage of 55+years, to date we see Dad (F-I-L) frail and so dependent on Mother (M-I-L) to tend to his and household needs etc… The roles have reversed and Dad is not the patient man he once was with all his aches, a temper has developed. Point is Mother needs to take a holiday away from Dad every now and then and you need to holiday away from your Husband, in your case it’s called a Divorce or an arrangement that you live separate from one another.
Be that you’re from the USA; I’m not familiar with one “having to prove a spouse is cheating”, hiring detectives, in order to seek divorce; Why? It sounds like rigmarole to me, here you simply file for divorce, go through the motions and you’re legally done – nightmare over, free at last!
There is absolutely nothing to fear with having your own freedom; to sit quietly with a coffee read a magazine, do cooking, dishes at your leisure, having your own TV remote, having your daughter see you comfortable, in less stress to your health and living life as you deserve – peace and contentment
Freedom awaits you – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): I think this is normal to check up on things and feel that way but it is no way to live. What he is doing is called gas lighting. Doing things to make you feel crazy and look bad and crazy to other people. Tape record him with a hidden recorder so you can play this back to others to show how badly he treats you when you two are alone. Definitely leave and just end the nightmare. After a long marriage you will be ok financially and hopefully be able to have some peace and happiness in your life.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 July 2014):
 Yes, I believe it is very common when you suspect that your partner is cheating on you that you keep checking up on them. The trust is gone. It isn't a good way to live though. Its making you so unhappy and consuming your life. And what is it getting you? If you feel the marriage cant be saved (and I frankly wouldn't want to save it the way your husband is), get your ducks in a row. Hire a detective if you want proof of infidelity, get a good attorney and end the nightmare. I really couldn't stand being treated the way your husband treats you..acting like you are crazy and its all in your head. I'd hit him where it hurts sweetie. (NO offense to all the nice men out there!)
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female
reader, STOMACH AND HEART ACHE +, writes (16 July 2014):
STOMACH AND HEART ACHE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to ask another question, when other women feel their man is cheating, are they constantly checking what they are doing or listening to what they are saying, reading into everything they do or say. My life is consumed with him.
When he is in the company of our children or friends he acts so sweet, and that leaves me looking like I'm the person who is overreacting.Example- Our neighbor invited us to come over, an hour before the time to go he didn't like how I looked at him, he said I'm not going, go yourself, this is not the first time he pulled this. I was so upset and had to beg him to go, he said ok I will go with you, he gets there and could not be sweeter to them, while I was still upset and sort of withdrawn and sort of upset how nice they treated him. even though I know they didn't know what went on. I do find it hard to be loving to him, when he says shut up or I will throw this beer at you, which he has done, most abusers I think are sorry after, but he is never sorry. If you act like that again I will do it again. It's a love hate relationship with me now.
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female
reader, STOMACH AND HEART ACHE +, writes (16 July 2014):
STOMACH AND HEART ACHE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all the replies and suggestions, reading them gives me some hope and strength. THANKS AGAIN!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): Your husband sounds like a horrible person, so yes I would leave. Hire a detective first to prove he is cheating because you will get a better settlement that way. Good luck an I wish you happiness.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 July 2014):
My heart goes out to you. Your age isn't stated, but realistically you are at least 68 years old, correct? There are 2 questions that you need to ask yourself: 1. Do I love my husband enough to continue to put up with him? 2. Can I make it alone and is that what I want?
For me, the answer would be simple. I'd walk away from the marriage and wouldn't think twice about it. Yes, 50 years is a very long time to be married, but its also a very long time to be unhappy. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that its very likely that your husband has been cheating on your for years. And even if he hasn't cheated, he has treated you badly and not respected you. Why stay?
I have 3 women in your age range that I'll briefly tell you about. My grandmother's husband died when she was 66. They had been married for 50 years. He had been an alcoholic and beat her, cheated on and generally just treated her like crap. She never remarried but led a full happy life. I had always wished she would marry but she did date. She lived to be 88.
My ex mother in law was married for 54 years. Her husband died when she was 72. She was the sweetest woman I've ever known. She shocked all of us when she started dating almost immediately after her husband died. She remarried 2 years later. She said it was the happiest she had ever been her whole life. She really blossomed after her husband died. I know she really loved my father in law, but he really kept her down and really didn't treat her right.
My father died 9 months ago. My parents had been married just shy of 54 years. My mother looked up her first love from when she was 16, and within 4 months she had moved in with him. She admitted she had never really loved my dad. Her behavior has been a huge source of pain to my sister and I but she is happy.
3 women...3 stories. What kind of story do you want? I'd leave your husband. After all those years together, you will get 1/2 of whatever you have together. Why stay miserable?? Yes, you will be alone, but aren't you already alone?? Why spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't treat you right?? WHY???
I wish you all the best. Think things over carefully. To me, there's only one answer...leave and give yourself the chance to be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): its never too late to start over, that man is no longer loving you and u seem to be trapped becoz u married and age prblm,but you can try to talk to him one more time and see his reaction ,if he still react the same , then in my opinion i feel like you can go and find yourself happyness ,never be afraid to try something new ,you deserve to be happy never mind your age
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