A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been hiding my pregnancy for about five months. I haven't told anyone except for a few friends. I've finally decided that I'll tell my family. i finally feel ready to face the consequences. i feel strong enough to bear the negative reactions. i can just hear my father talking about how i can't provide for a baby and i should get my tubes tied once I've had it. I've heard him saying the same about other pg women, so i know he'll be thinking it. in fact, i myself think negatively about having a baby in my situation. i don't have a job. i live with my parents. i help take care of them as they're both older and my father is in very poor health. the past two years of my life have been all about me being here for my family. the one time i go without my family, i get pg. I haven't told the baby's father because we broke up before i knew. after i found out, i explored my options but couldn't bring myself to get an abortion, though looking back it would've been the easier solution. at the time, i guess i was really immature about the whole thing because because i was still sore about the breakup and convinced myself i could do this without him. now i know i can do it without him, but i want him to know. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure how to tell him. i still have his number but I don't know if i should tell him that way. i feel like i need a buffer zone. i guess I'm still scared of his reaction. I'm terrified he'll blame me, but i didn't make this baby myself. if i could take it all back i would, right down to meeting him. i thought I'd fallen in love, but i just found a liar.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): Is the reason you're not working because you're staying home taking care of your parents? Sorry to assume that, but it sounds like it (sounds like maybe Mom works and you guys trade off with caring for your dad but I'm not sure). If you DID work, you'd need someone to pay to take care of him and that's EXPENSIVE and I don't know what insurance covers. Many people take care of parents and their children but it really sounds like you are un-ready. You are not announcing the baby not just because people will be disappointed, but in part because it seems like you don't WANT to have a baby. You haven't told the father because maybe he would use this to keep you from totally "leaving" him. You regret meeting him. You regret dating him. You regret the sex and you regret the pregnancy. I think you RESENT the pregnancy too. BUT the guy has rights and you ethically need to let him know. If he's a fit potential parent, then YOU can pay him child support and let HIM be the full-time dad. Or, if he' OK with it, you can put the child up for adoption. I know your parents will be disappointed but they'll also be scared. if you say that you're putting the child up for adoption and they're old-school, maybe they'll see this is a smart decision.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): tell your parents.That is the best thing you can do. They will be very angry at first, but you are their child so they will stand by you and help you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 Not to twist the knife into the wound, do not be surprised if you get negative comments from your father, beside his being old fashioned - the reality of the matter is that you are unemployed ergo, I suppose, incomeless and live off your older and in poor health parents. In these conditions, being da facto forced to support one more person and feed another mouth , rather than being able to put all their resources into securing themselves the most comfortable possible old age, is something that would embitter / infuriate even open minded parents. Have you ever considered adoption ? It would be a very sensible choice, given the circumstances...
If you are committed to keep this baby, though, you'll just have to bite the bullet and blurt it out. What I just said is true... it's also true it is temporary : I have seen very few grand parents ( well, in my experience, none, actually ) who are unable , after the first shock / disappointment , to warm up to a new baby grandchild and totally fall in love with it. Your parents still have 4 months to get used to the idea, ... and once the baby IS here, you'll see, the music will be all different, they'll be elated.
If you are keeping the baby, you'll also have to tell the biological father , and, who cares about his reaction, the responsability for this new arrval is half his, so he can rejoice or he can be dismayed / incredulous / upset, does not make a difference, as long as he pays child support .
If he wants to do that graciously and spontaneously, great, if he does not, go though the legal system and have him forced to pay by the Court. What you have to preserve it's your child's legal rights, not your ex boyfriend's good mood.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 July 2014):
 You use the words "I'm still scared" and "I'm terrified" and "a liar" to describe the father of your baby.
You need outside help, you can't do this without a mediator.
He's responsible for his share of the financial care of the baby.
It sounds like you've been making some choices and decisions based on fear. If you've been living with your parents for 2 years then you were seeing the baby's father while you lived there. So you went through the dating and the breakup and the discovery of the pregnancy without anyone?
You are very disconnected from people around you if this is the case.
You are 22-25 so you are an adult and able to make your own decisions. You're 5 months pregnant and so will start to show the pregnancy shortly, your situation would be found out eventually.
I would start with your parents as they are the ones providing housing while you provide care to them. I don't know what consequences for this might look like in your family. In some families, it's a cause for celebration. In others, it's a cause for an expulsion and disowning. We don't know your family. You do. You have to make the best choice based on your safety.
Do you have siblings? A sister? Do your parents have siblings? Are you close to an aunt or an uncle? I would enlist their help based on your particular family dynamic.
As for the baby's father, as you broke up without knowing you were pregnant and have waited some time to let him know, this would be best with a mediator.
http://www.plannedparenthood.org has some links that might help you.
This guy is on the hook for child support and it's unlikely he's going to be happy about it, so you'll probably wind up needing to prove paternity. I would go ahead, bite the bullet and find an attorney now so you have all your ducks in a row. She will probably have some suggestions as to how to tell the father-to-be so it's best to get started now.
Be sure you have all your documentation about the relationship including the stuff that scares and terrifies you and that proves him a liar. Do not delete anything. Make copies of it all, back it up. Give that attorney something to work with when things get personal, as no doubt they will.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I would just be honest with your family and be sure to get some good referrals and recommendations for a great attorney. The more you hide your situation, you limit other people's ability to help you.
So woman up. You are now in charge of someone else's life. It's time to become proactive rather than reactive.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): My dear lady, I'm sorry you didn't find-out until you and your boyfriend broke-up. With or without a job, you are an adult. Things happen.
Your parents are somewhat dependent on you to take care of them; and if they are of the old-school, you may meet some expression of their disappointment. They could only love a daughter willing to put her own life on hold to take care of them. Maybe you'll endure some hurtful commentary. You'll survive it. You're a wonderful daughter.
If your father is of ill-health, and older. He will benefit by the fact he will have a new grandchild in the next four months. Knowing he depends on you for care; he may just cut you some slack. You may be allowing your guilt and devotion to pleasing your parents to get the better of you. They really have no choice, but to accept it. It's a reality, and you're the one affected more than anyone else. If they tossed you out, they'd be cutting off their noses to spite their faces. You technically have the upper-hand. You are a full-grown woman; and you have a right to suggest they keep their negative-opinions to themselves.
In your present financial-situation, you have to inform your ex-boyfriend. If you plan to keep your baby. He has some financial responsibility; and keeping it a secret from him, could bite you in the ass up the road. In several different ways.
You weren't artificially-inseminated. He was there at the conception.
Don't risk a potential custody-battle up the road. If he can prove he is the biological-father, and he doesn't approve of the conditions the child is raised in; he can assert his paternal rights. Get your legal ducks in a row.
You should not take on the responsibility all by yourself.
I don't give a damn why you broke-up. The baby comes first.
The heck with who approves or disapproves. You're the one who's pregnant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): How sure are you that you can do this alone? You NEED a job. You can't rely on your parents for ANYTHING except MAYBE their time. Have you thought of adoption? Maybe an open one where you can be a little involved in their life?
You're correct (and brave) in knowing that you need to tell people and face the music. Just sit down with your parents (as they are most likely to stand by you) and explain it to them, maybe holding your tummy (you should be noticeable by now).
Stay calm and be strong!
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