A
female
age
51-59,
*ioness7
writes:I have been married for 10 yrs, a stay at home mom for 8yrs.Two months ago my husband told me he doesn't feel anything for me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. We still live together, I still cook and clean up after him. We still share the bedroom but he will sleep on the couch as much as possible. He doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him. He is rarely home and when he is he is off in another room. There has been no cheating or abuse. We had argued a lot.I have no friends to talk to and the only family members I have are my ageing parents. I have no money to seek counselling and no money to join anything. When I ask him to work it out his response is "I have to think about it" or he knows himself enough to know what that what he feels and there is no changing it; when he makes up his mind he has made up his mind.I believe that a spouse can feel they are not in love anymore because of so much anger, but if you work on things and the fighting stops and time proves it you can love that person once again as you did before. Every-time I ask to work things out he says he doesn't know and it comes back to the children. I also mentioned marriage counselling and he said no. I don't know what to do but I can't take this pain anymore, it can be so overwhelming. I want this pain to go away but I don't want a broken home for my children. I love my husband and my children, if I could keep this marriage I would but I can't handle this pain.But I don't understand why he is still here with us if he doesn't want to be with me. This is prolonging the pain I'm feeling. I told him I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if something doesn't change soon. It is not that easy for me to pack up the children and myself and just leave. Please help before this pain becomes too unbearable.
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female
reader, lioness7 +, writes (23 February 2013):
lioness7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for listening it really helps. I feel so alone in all of this. It feels like one BIG HEAD GAME, he tells me he doesn't want me to think the marriage is over he just wants time think things through. I don't want to put hope in this because it will be just too hard by the end of the week to hear him say it is over. I wish I was strong. He told me today that he still loves me but wants this time to himself. I wish I could think like a guy maybe then I would understand.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 Hi
Well you have given it your best shot,him too.While he is gone do not contact him,give him his week.
I think you have been more than patient with him but he is still holding all the cards.You haven't given him a week, *he* has chosen that route.I understand you want to stay as a family to stay married,but when one partner falls out of love it's generally over.I feel for you both as he is finding it hard also.
Keep yourself extra busy this week,
spring clean the house,do the garden,volunteer more hours,take the kids out for dinner.Anything to keep busy.
But do remember,if he decides its over,or *you* decide before the weeks up,to finish it,DO NOT move out of the home with your children,he must go. All the previous advice to you still stands.
Good luck x
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female
reader, lioness7 +, writes (23 February 2013):
lioness7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm back to say it has been 3 months now and I don't fight with him I have continually told him I appreciate and love him. I get out of the house by volunteering at the Red Cross I have hung with him and his friends and they all told him they really like me; But he is still moving out this Sunday he saids he needs time to think and will let me know by Friday what his decision will be. He wants to tell the kids that he is just going away for work. He also told me 90% of him wants to stay in the marriage but 10% of him doesn't so he wants time away from me. This is so hard I can't take it I would rather have him leave now for good than wait to tell me Friday.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 January 2013):
 He is the one splitting the marriage, so he should move out. Playing the martyr now and telling him you will move out will not change anything, you have to fight for your rights and protect the roof over your childrens heads and the other aunts are right, you should look for some work because you are going to need all the money you can get.
Good Luck xx
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 NO!!!!! Make *him* move out! You have the kids, and you moving out will put him in a favorable legal position to take the house from you AND get custody of your kids!
He is the initiator of the split. He needs to move. STAND your ground on this and listen:
Do not talk to him again without it being through a lawyer. You're vulnerable now and he'll take advantage of that fact to put you right out on the street!
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (20 January 2013):
Hi
Why on earth should you and the children move out?
SEE A LAWYER,you have to protect you and the children here, DO NOT move out, it's your childrens home! Why did he even suggest this?
Use this month to get things planned.
Maybe see if you can't sell the home and split the money so you both benefit and get somewhere each to live.
Even if you both have to rent eventually, YOU will need a deposit etc.You may need a job too,even part-time.He will have to pay maintenance too, you NEED all these things sorted.
Come back on here anytime for support,the Aunts and Uncles will be here!
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female
reader, lioness7 +, writes (20 January 2013):
lioness7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for answering. It helps a lot especially when I don't have anyone one to talk to.
I went to him today and said I will give him a separation and live under the same roof until I can finanically move out with the kids (this is what he originally wanted) or give him a month to figure out if he wants to work on the marriage. He picked the one month to figure it out but I don't know if I did the right thing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): It's possible he hasn't moved out because he can't afford an apartment for himself while still paying the mortgage and your other living expenses since you're stay-at-home. He probably feels trapped. I've seen this happen a lot with other couples where the wife didn't work outside the home, and the husband wanted to leave her but couldn't finance two separate households on his own as a result he continued to stay in the marriage.
You need to start talking to a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling on filing for divorce. Then you need to start looking for a job. Unless he earns a very high salary, it's unlikely that his child support and alimony payments will be enough to avoid a huge drop in standard of living for you (and him). You need to start supplementing his income and do whatever is necessary to re-enter the workforce so you can provide for your kids too and not rely exclusively on him.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 January 2013):
I agree with all the aunts here, your marriage is over and he is only staying because he doesn't quite know what to do next and maybe he is worried about losing contact with the kids.
As YOUWISH said...you need to get tough and realise that he doesn't want to be with you, get some legal advice and ask him to leave the marital home.
When you begin to make a stand and get focussed on the reality of the situation you will feel stronger and less helpless.
I don't agree that he is a demon or the bad guy or anything else. He is just a guy who knows he doesn't love you anymore and he is in the dark as to what to do next.
Marriages end every day and once people have made up their mind that's petty much it.
The only thing left to do now is to make sure you end things amicably so your children still have a roof over their heads and the love of both parents in a very sad situation.
If you need support yourself search on the internet for single parent support groups as talking to other people who have been through a similar situation can really help.
I am very sorry for your situation but there is a way through this and before it's over, you will find strength that you didn't know you had.
Good luck and keep us at DC posted xxx
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 January 2013):
Yep. Your talking is OVER. Get a LAWYER and file and serve him. Your home is already broken, and your kids feel it a lot more now than they will when he gets out of your house.
He is using you now for financial security, for domestic care, and to avoid paying child support. You need to get a spousal and child support order and boot his ass out. His actions are breaking your family more than his absence.
He also doesn't respect you one bit, and keeping him home, cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes for him won't make him change his mind. Your only hope that he might reconsider is the cold reality of being alone and his seeing a different, stronger, and more assertive you.
Get your financial affairs in order, get a lawyer, and blow him out of the house now. if he won't leave on his own, petition the court to award you the house, and then once the divorce is finalized, call the sheriff and evict him.
Seriously. Play hardball. Something has to change.
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male
reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (17 January 2013):
I agree compeltely with CMMP and daisy daisy. best comments could not be better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): "I believe that a spouse can feel they are not in love anymore because of so much anger, but if you work on things and the fighting stops and time proves it you can love that person once again as you did before. "No, this is isn't true, or rather it's far from guaranteed and really is a crapshoot. If the hurt is minor then yes this can happen. But if the hurt has run "too deep" or "too long", and each person has their own individual threshold, then no amount of working on things can make them fall back in love with you. It CAN get the relationship much better and be much more tolerable than it is right now so there IS benefit to working on things, but it may not ever be enough for them to fall back in love with you and maybe the best that the relationship can become is a cordial and polite but somewhat detached relationship. Your husband sounds like he has had enough, he is done. the flip has been switched over. when someone does not even have any desire for the relationship to improve, that means this is it. You cannot work on the relationship on your own since it takes two and he wants nothing to do with it so that means this is the end of the road as far as the relationship. "I told him I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if something doesn't change soon."I think your words are probably falling on deaf ears. He has probably reached that stage long ago hence he is so shut down towards you now. Often, when someone feels so alienated and invalidated and hurt that to protect their own sanity they have to shut out their spouse (as he's feeling towards you), if the shut out spouse asks to "work on the relationship" that's the last thing the hurt person wants to do because in a way this is yet another invalidation of his feelings, it's saying you do not accept that he wants nothing to do with you anymore instead you want him to change his feelings to suit you. Therefore, for your own sake you shouldn't keep hanging onto false hopes and drag out your pain, you need to let go because there's nothing that can be done except perhaps an incremental improvement in reducing the anger but it's extremely unlikely that he will ever fall in love with you again. why doesn't he move out? Maybe because he is trying to do "the right thing" or what he thinks is the right thing. Many people feel that it's "wrong" to divorce a stay-at-home spouse because that would significantly affect your financial situation and right now he's responsible for your financial well-being so he might feel that his integrity would be at stake if your standard of living decreased as it surely will if you divorced and now his salary has to maintain two households not just one. Many men derive their self worth by how well they can provide for their dependents. If you divorce you would still be his dependent and he might feel that he cannot be a good enough provider if his salary had to support two households. Also, many people feel it's "wrong" to divorce if you have kids. So those could be reasons why he hasn't moved out yet even though he has made clear how he feels about you and the relationship.I think you should, for your own sake, stop focusing on how to get him to change his feelings. He has stated clearly that he wants out of the relationship emotionally, so, you have to accept that. Accept the information that he has given you, and go from there. When you talk to him, it should not have anything to do with getting him to change his feelings towards you. Instead, talk to him about practical and logistical matters on how to move forward with him never wanting to be close to you ever again: Does he want to get divorced or does he want to stay legally married but live in separate households? Or does he want to get legally separated? For how long - until the kids are grown or forever?
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 January 2013):
One thing people in your situation are always afraid of is that if they do the right thing the other person will get mad and leave them for good.
In your case the right thing is to tell him he has two choices: work on fixing the marriage or get out of the house.
There is no third option and everybody, including yourself, knows it. You may think you have no power and I don't blame you, but you're wrong. You have the kids, and he obviously wants to stay with them. That means he does have a tiny interest in fixing your relationship.
Give him ultimatums. Don't say "fall back in love with me in 2 weeks or leave" but you can tell him that he needs to choose within a week which he'd like.
If he wants to work on things you both need to figure out where things went wrong. You're both guilty. Did you simply neglect each other? Where bad things said? Whatever it was you have to try and see it from the other person's POV or your relationship will fail all over again.
Take things very slow. Both of you should take a few days off from things (stay with a friend or relative) to get your head straight. After that, spend some time getting to know each other again. Go on dates, etc. Don't force things, take baby steps. But falling back in love is totally possible its just VERY delicate and difficult.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (17 January 2013):
 What a horrible situation for you and the children.
I think that if he's making no effort to work on the marriage, you should tell him that's in the best interests of your children for him to move out until he gets his head straight.
He should keep paying the mortgage/ rent for the marital home even if he is not living there. You should not have to move out! You are the constant in your children's lives as a stay at home mum. Surely he does't want to uproot his children? At the moment, he sounds like a lodger rather than a dad and husband.
I don't know whether or not the marriage is salvageable, but at the moment you have to put you and your children ahead of your husband. He has to shit or get off the pot; decide whether he is willing to make a go of it or not. For your own well being , and your children's, you're going to have to push him to do something about the situation.
Good luck, I really hope things get better and soon.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (16 January 2013):
Hi
You need a lawyer and/or legal advice asap. You need to stop cleaning up after him and cooking for him.You need to get tough.
He can't expect you to wait any longer its no good for you or the children,the atmosphere must be awful
He has made his mind up,told you how he feels so now he must take the consequences.Your not his housemaid your his wife and mother to his children.
It will work out, you will find the strength, if you don't take control this could go on for years and by then you won't be in any condition to care for the children or take control
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