A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The easiest way to say this, is that I am having a major friendship problem. The person I used to think was my very best friend and we'd be friends till the end is now getting on my last nerve and I am about finished with her. I don't know what to do.This girl, we'll anonymously call her "Jane". Well, Jane and I became friends in about 5th or 6th grade. In about year 7 and higher we became very close. Sharing secrets that we'd never share with anybody else. It was fantastic having someone I could talk to who shared the same thoughts. Over the years we've found so much in common that we pretty much felt like twins. We even have the same last name! (spelled differently). So you'd ask yourself how could something so good and great go so wrong?Well, as Jane got older, she became more..."mature" or in this case came with more attitude. Knew more about stuff, and what she was capable of. Jane has a unique personality that takes a lot to get used to. Very stubborn, opinionated, bossy, and just plain controlling. Through our high school years, our group of friends have had our squabbles but get over it. But lately, she's been getting under everyone's skin and I know at least 3 of us who are about ready to drop her as a friend.All my life that I've been friends with Jane, I've put up with her and her attitude. She constantly corrects people, she's constantly pushing her opinions onto people, and she's constantly trying to control everyone. I'm a person that holds grudges and bottles up my anger. I vent to my parents because I know I can trust them. So every single time in my lifetime of being friends with her, I've bottled up my anger. I occasionally stood up for myself and others when I felt it was really important, but most everything else I simply brushed off, continuosly telling myself that the good qualities about her outweighed the bad. Boy was I wrong. What bothers me most is her obsession to be in control and her way of always trying to manipulate everyone. There are a million examples that I could share about how she's controlling to people and mean. But there are 3 incidents in which she's stabbed me in the back. I'm too nice to handle this friendship. On one of the incidents I confronted her about how I felt. But immediately apologized and said i was to blame because I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to talk to the person I had still at the moment considered my best friend. I couldn't let her go away and not be my friend anymore. She admitted it was her fault and she was wrong to do what she did. That solved that conflict and I felt happier.The second incident was when she showed me that she does not 100% accept me for the way I am the way a friend should. All because of my beliefs. How is that even fair? I don't tell her her beliefs are wrong. In fact I never say anything bad about her beliefs at all. But the fact that she has the nerve to tell me she doesn't approve of my beliefs makes me beyond angry. Plus she acted like she had no idea in the world she pissed me off so badly. Friends are supposed to accept their friends for who they are. Not what they want them to be.The final incident was when she lied to me that she WASN'T angry with me because I wouldn't go on a trip to another country with her simply because I was a little more focused on college instead. So apparently that makes me a bad friend. In this past week, she's lied to me, stole a friend's activity, and copied a friend's paper. Other friends are getting tired of her arguing with them all the time and I won't be surprised when they tell me they don't want to be friend's with her anymore either. I wondered if we all told her how she's making us feel if it'd even make an impact let alone a dent in what she sees. But I know she'll never accept us. She refuses to see her flaws and never is accountable for anything. It's always someone else's fault. Or there's always something wrong with the other person. On days where i'm just bored and not giving her every ounce of my attention, or she's makes me angry, it's always the same questions. "Why're you so crabby, (cranky, grumpy)" or "You don't have to be such a spaz" or the occasional "stop getting so defensive" or "calm down". Half the time I have any reaction is simply because she's pissing me off. Taking my stuff, writing on my papers, not getting group work done, trying to distract me and yet I'M the one with the problem. I know people just say "Well if they treat you like that they're not really your friend." But the truth is, we've been friends for so long, it's really hard to break away. I do occasionally rely on her for support and advice and company when there's no one else around I really know. I honestly don't know what to do and it's causing me and my friends to stress out beyond belief.If anyone has any advice for me, I'd really appreciate it. Sorry for the long entry. I just really needed to vent.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Hiyaaa,I totally understand where your coming from because I've had a similar issue! Honestly all I can say is that is she worth being your friend? Try out a test see if she really consider you as a friend for example try and not talk to see if she would talk to you or if someone teases you will she back you up kinda thing so it's a mini test. And see if she does stick up and talks to you because it's not worth it otherwise.If you still really would like her to be your friend you gotta make her understand that she needs to slightly change her behaviour because you will always be with her and there isn't a need to put a "fake face" because you truely trust her. I've had a friend that wouldn't make any effort to talk to me, so I have to do all the work all the talking and we have completely opposite views! And she just now she complains how we aren't talking because I've given up not bothering to make an effort and yet she isn't putting any in?
A
female
reader, dietcoke.1  +, writes (20 March 2011):
Well if you dont want to hang around with her but cant stand the thought of falling out with her just faze her out.This way she will get the oppertunity to find other friends and you will eventually not be her main group anymore.This is where you stop ringing her to meet up less and less . if she rings you, you are busy more But do it gradually don't just suddenly do it other wise she wont have any other friends to hang around with. eventually as you all see her less she will see someone else more.Although this method can backfire if they dont make more friends.Or you could just simply tell her one to one that your fed up with her. But one to one rather than all ganging up on her good luck x
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A
female
reader, Molly0102  +, writes (19 March 2011):
Hi I don't really have an advice for you but I had a similar experience e yours a d I hope by sharing it you'd have a better understanding on how to handle it. I had a so-called best friend since 14 and we were the best of friends for 3 years. However, I couldn't stand the fact that she was constantly bad mouthing others but pretending to be nice to them. Since we were friends, I told her it wasn't a really nice thing to do but she didn't heed my advice. But who was I to tell her what to do? I mean afterall, I'm her friend and what she does is a personal choice. In any case the last stroll came when she was having A LOT of relationships and backstabbing another friend of mine. In short, she wad manipulative, hypocrite and just plain mean. One day I just told her that we've drifted apart and I wouldn't hang out with her anymore. It ended kind of tragically and I think it's a shame but there's always a point whereby the last straw breaks the camel's back and there's a limit to what you can tolerate so why put yourself in misery? Real friends would, at the very least hear you out and not constantly put you down. If you think you can't stand her, then just say so. Sure she might be mean to you for the next few days, weeks or even months but it won't last. And sure, people will start questioning whatever happened between the best of friends but one day they'll stop asking too. I feel that when it comes to making friends and keeping in contact with them, you don't have to feel slighted or judged. Real friends cherish you and your beliefs and the definitely hear you out to what you have to say. :)
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