A
male
age
,
*erfirst
writes: I have been married for 29 years to the same woman. We have been more like roommates than spouses. We are growing further apart. The sex is an exception rather than the norm. I am at the point I am tired of this life. Because of religious beliefs we have stayed together, you know the, (for better or worse). Now I'm at an age I don't know if I could even date. I have been out of the dating scene for over 30 years. Sexually I met her needs first, so its not that I am selfish in that department. I have done things for her only to have them rejected. She says she loves me but I don't know her definition of love even to this day. Lately I look and desire other women. I haven't cheated on her but I am running out of strength. I know if a man is going to screw around, just go ahead and end the marriage first. I cannot afford to leave because we have invested so much into the children's private education. I am at a crossroads and don't know what to do. Someone perhaps in a similar situation could give me some pointers.
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male
reader, herfirst +, writes (19 March 2011):
herfirst is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Youwish' I agree and understand what you say. I have on many many occasions talked with her. I have always talked with "her" feelings and emotions in mind. I am at this point, confused, numb and just ready to make a change of some sort. I have told her that I was even thinking of seeing another woman. The blank stare or just shrug of the shoulders is what I get. I have always provided for her in that she has never really wanted for anything. We did separate about 15 years ago for 3 months. We got along good during the last half of that time.I came back mainly for the young children at that time which I know is not the reason to but did. I don't know at this point if I even want counseling. There is a lot of damage done. On the other hand, I feel sick at the thought of knowing I have thrown away 29 of the best years of my life.
A
female
reader, goldensunnystar +, writes (19 March 2011):
Have u thought about going to see a couples therapist?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): YouWish is right, of course. It's all about communication. She's probably too young to understand just how embedded habits become after all those years. Of course at the beginning of the relationship you can talk for hours on end about what's gone before and what you want your future to be. It's all new and interesting and you're getting to know each other, and all your stories haven't been heard before.And then you begin your lives together, and you make little compromises here and there to keep the peace or whatever. After a dozen years maybe, you don't have many new experiences to share; oh sure, my boss annoyed me, or 'can you believe what our friend did' or whatever. The kids come along and the conversation is all about them. And maybe there are little irritations, but now's not a good time, and you bury them. But a 'better time' never really happens. And the pile of things buried, builds up. And you have the same old complaints, issues, problems, that you've never quite managed to resolve, and you certainly don't want to bring those up yet again because who wants to hear a complainer and a real man would have dealt with it, not let it fester for ten (or more) years.And somehow you find yourself approaching three decades together, and all that stuff that's been swept under the rug is still there, and it's so fossilized that you can't really start to deal with it, and in fact you're worried that it's become part of the foundation so if you chip away at it the whole structure might come apart.Yes, communication was the answer, 20 years ago. Has the opportunity slipped away? I don't know what to tell you, OP, except that I'm there too, in spades. Maybe you can show me the way. Maybe you can tell her what you really feel, and maybe she'll actually hear you. You'd be an inspiration to many if you can pull it off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Well I am a women and I was in your shoes but it was my husband that cooled off. Out of my own experience after 3 years of no sex I started noticing other men - I did tell all of the frustrations to my hubby but it was simply too late for us to fix anything - we went apart without cheating or lying to each other and to this day we remain best of friends. In my eyes honesty is the best policy even if the truth hurts at given moment, my ex still to this day thanks me for having balls to tell that I am in my thoughts considering to sleep with someone else but had enough respect for him to tell him that first... I hope there is still for you both ways to work things out - otherwise life is simply too short to live it like that, success!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): You are lucky! Many man has no sex drive and good erection to find an other date.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 March 2011):
 Does your wife know all of these things? Have you sat down and talked to her about all of the things you wrote here? You have valid concerns, and sex is a valid need in your relationship.
I'm thinking that the two of you would benefit from some counseling, because I know how easy it is to have the same conversations go along the same circles and no one even hears the other's feelings anymore. It just gets easier to silently endure rather than shake the tree and cause friction and crisis in the home.
I think you need to be honest and tell her about your desires for other women too. She has to become part of your solution, as well as you finding out why sex for her is a chore, and I don't think you two can have that conversation on your own.
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