A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I have a question. I have this neighbor who lives right next door to me who I have a major crush on for a while. I know he likes me too we flirt all the time and he acts all shy and nervous when we talk. This is the thing, he is with someone and I am with someone. The person I am with has cheated and lied to me several times and we have children together. He has someone which he does not get along with, they fight all the time. My question is should I continue to pursue him or should I try and let him off of my mind? PS I have tried to but when I see him I just melt and I can't stop thinking about him. Please go easy on me I know it's not a good situation but I can't help the way I feel.
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crush, flirt, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): So what if you are both stuck in horrid relationships? YOu both put yourself into it and both remain.
Using one another for sex, escapism isn't helping anyone.
You want some REAL Happiness, then you seek individual therapy/counselling. Sort out your inner self and the issues therein THEN that healing and dealing with such matters in a healthy, positive manner will begin to radiate out and aid you into making healthy, clear minded, adult decisions.
Stop the FLIRTING ASAP. Be a responsible, accountable adult.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): Your neighbor is off limits right now because you've got a partner that you haven't broken up with (yet?).
If you want to pursue your neighbor or anyone else new that's perfectly fine BUT you should first break up with your partner for good before you start something new.
whether your partner has cheated on you and lied to you is irrelevant because you CHOSE to stay with him so that means you're tied down. No one is saying you have to stay with someone who has cheated on you and lied to you, but you yourself decided you would. Now you find yourself pining after someone else.
this is a sign that you need to sort out your relationship problems - either finally end your current relationship so you can be free to pursue someone new, or if you're going to continue staying in it then you need to stop any further thoughts about your neighbor or anyone else.
The same applies to your neighbor - if he's got a gf then he has no business starting anything new with you, no matter how awful the gf treats him he's choosing not to end it with her and that choice means he should not be looking at anyone new.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 March 2012):
I think that you're looking for an escape from your current relationship, rather than actually dealing with it.
You have a crush on a man that lives next door, because he's probably a good guy. You've probably seen more than is actually there because of your crush. You think that he likes you, and that he's shy around you. Chances are that he's like that even with his own girlfriend. He's just a fantasy, an escape. I'm of no doubt that you'd come away looking very foolish if you tried to go anywhere with him - and even if you did, then that makes you as bad as your own partner.
You come across as a sad and lost woman looking for an escape from your relationship. Instead of looking to a man to fix it, fix it yourself. Leave the man you're with and start a new life elsewhere. Don't go own the route of screwing up relationships and cheating etc, because you'll only embarrass and hurt yourself and your children. Let's face it, they'd feel pretty bad if you left their father for their neighbour instead.
Wake up - this is a sign that you need to sort out your own relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): Two wrongs don't make a right. Just because your husband is a liar and cheat,doesn't mean you should follow his example.
Don't go seeing the man next door....he also has a marriage to sort out.
Take your attraction to the neighbour as a signal your not content in your relationship and looking for some happiness. Yes you may get it short term. But the mess and fall-out atferwards would not be worth it.
If you can't sort out your marriage, have tried everything, then call it a day and get a divorce
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 “the thing is he is with someone and I am with someone”
END Of conversation
you go on to justify that your partner has cheated and lied… (and yet you are still with him) as if that makes your crush ok…
GET HIM off your mind. Aunty BimBim is right you need to decide what to do about your current relationship. Using someone else as a safety net to enable you to be strong enough to leave is not the right way to do it. Be strong enough to leave on your own then find someone who is available when you are ready.
Often we don’t leave relationships till we are sure we have someone else to go to… He’s in a relationship no matter how unhappy he is that’s not your concern… he is NOT available to you.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (22 March 2012):
 All I can say, is that I completely agree with Aunty BimBim. You need to deal with your current relationship issue, before looking elsewhere. Whether that means getting counseling, doing whatever it takes to make it work, for the sake of your children.....or leaving it all together, but the neighbor should be completely left out of the process.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 Ok. So, two people are in unsatisfying relationships, which sound complicated enough as it is... how does adding another relationship to the mix make this situation easier?
Your current guy does not have any respect for him, his woman doesn't either. It's natural that you would be drawn to him. Also natural to secretly want revenge. But the reason you've posted this question is because your inner voice tells you that persuing this relationship mwans the story does not end well.
I hope that you can muster up the courage to let go of the person you're with instead, even if only for a season.
I know the whole kids thing makes it infinitely complicated. My heart really goes out to you. You want the man you're with to respect you. Your looking for some-one else seems like the beginning of standing up to him.
Please stand up to him. Don't feel guilty because of the children, no child likes for their father to disrespect their mother. Break up with him, tell him you're not putting up with it any longer... when you're ready...
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. Letting another guy in, and giving him the chance to hurt you too, is not the answer though.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 If you are in a relationship with a partner who lies and cheats you need to decide if you want to remain in that relationship. If you decide this relationship is no longer for you, you need to ensure your children are safe and their needs are considered. This usually does not mean dumping one partner to take up with somebody who is also going to dump a partner. This is usually a guarantee for some unhappy times for all concerned, but especially the kids.
If you are unhappy in your current relationship, and do not want to consider what needs to be done to make it work, then you need to decide whether to stay or not. Your neighbour should not even come into the equation at this time. If your neighbour wants to end his relationship that is up to him, and you should not play a part in it, especially as you havent given an strong indication that he means to leave his current girlfriend for you and your children.
If you are sad and unhappy, stop trying to pin your hopes and dreams onto a different person and get to work on fixing it for yourself.
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