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male
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Dazzerg
writes:Fear is one of the most potent human emotions that there is; it's one of the most pervasive there is because it is rooted in our survival instincts, in other words our subconscious mind. In the dim distant past fear would have saved many a early human from making that disastrous flip from hunting dinner to being the main course on another’s menu. Of course, modern fears tend to be a little different but if you think it through then they remain, in essence, based on the same strong desire for self-preservation. Experience is a strong cause of fear – a negative experience can create a powerful imprint on the human psyche. You put your hand in a flame, it burns and the fear of the pain prevents you from doing it again. This is our primary way of learning especially when young however experience still holds a strong sway over us as an educator throughout our lives. Experience of a broken-heart and/or rejection often stays with us for a long time and informs our behaviour in subsequent relationships. As it is with physical pain it is with emotional pain; if we are burnt then the fear of the pain animates a thousand shadows in a person’s heart. What makes fear so hard to overcome is that deep down you know that no matter how much you tell yourself it is all in your mind, you also know that there is that annoying rational kernel which beats you back every-time. Although fears often appear irrational that is only due to influencing behaviour beyond it’s original context; it seems slightly odd that a tree can be produced out of a tiny seedling but the fact it can is generally accepted. Often fear causes you to act in such a way that the very thing you are afraid of actually comes to pass; thus it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is especially true in relationships where your insecurities drive your partner crazy and push them away to the point where your relationship breaks down. Often your partner feels aggrieved at a perceived lack of trust or they cannot cope with the stress of having an anxious and clingy partner. Working through it is allot of hard work and it requires a great deal of effort and trust on both sides. For the purposes of this article I will concentrate not on those with the insecurities but with those who are trying to live with them. First thing you have to remember is that it is not that the insecure person doesn’t trust you as such; it is that emotional pain has taught them not to trust anybody and that often becomes as much a reflex as a conscious response; think about it, if you move your hand towards a flame then instinctively you recoil. You don’t think about moving your hand away, you just do it. Fear can often (though not always) be at the root of a persons failure to commit and even occasionally infidelity; scared people either individually or en masse can be persuaded into doing almost anything. So, what can you do if your partner is insecure or scared? The first thing is that you require a degree of strength; you have to override your own wounded feelings at the lack of trust and deal to some extent bear the burden of your partners feelings as well; if you make it an issue of lack of trust then this will no doubt start a fight, however there are things you can do to help chase your partners inner demons away:• Encourage your partner to talk to you about their past. Painful though it maybe for you to hear this it will enable you to understand and empathise better with them and it will enable them to see clearly the roots of their own problem. Understanding is the first step to doing and rather than aggressively attack your partner with their lack of trust you are seeking to build bridges with them and they will appreciate this olive branch. • Encourage your partner to tell you when they are scared and why and reassure them with kind comforting words which you back-up with actions where you can. This is called positive reinforcement and stems from the fact that insecure people often have problems accepting words alone; so back up ‘I love with’ with a kiss, for example. • Proceeding from the premise that experience teaches be prepared to help create positive experiences that override the negative ones. This is something that takes time but it’s worth remembering that hopefully with time things will be better. • Be prepared to challenge unreasonable behaviour in a firm but tender manner and set boundaries. Your partner scared about you going on a night out? Insist that you are going out but gently reassure them and maybe, if you feel it is appropriate, offer some form of contact when you get back in as a form of guarantee. Again, you are positively reinforcing your words with actions.
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female
reader, amber2328  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 Wow that was amazing... I am in a very loving relationship with a great person but I was in a bad one before. I am going to email this to my bf because this really is great great advise! Thank you so much...
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Just wanted to say great article Dazzerg!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): This was a really good and inspiring article, I have had post traumatic stress in the past due to a violent relationship and what you have written is very good advice hunny TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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