A
female
age
30-35,
*arahrose20
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together 4 years off and on we live together n we have love hate relationship we fight all day about who does more, leaving messes, people comming over, dishes, money, and groceries. he also thinks that i pick on him over these things cuz i work and go to school but he doesnt. he thinks hes getting a job at loblaws were waiting for them to call back. but he could still be going to school or at least something rather than sitting at home smoking bongs with his friends so i get really frustrated with him n snap but at night when we go to bed even if we were just fighting moments before we seem to be magnetised together i dont get it. i love him soo much but i want to strangle him half the time cuz of his lack of doing anything until i freak on him n he considers it, then eventually desides to do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): A lot of the time you have to go through drug testing to land a job. It's pretty common in Virginia, although I can't speak for any other state as to how common it is there. Smoking out of his bong all day will not land him a job if they do random drug testing for new applicants. Food for thought!
I hope your situation is getting better...? I know you don't want to leave him, but sometimes you have to think about the situation from a different point of view and determine if it would be best if you did.
A
female
reader, sarahrose20 +, writes (12 September 2010):
sarahrose20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dint know where you guys live but ive never heard of testing before for any job where i live.
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female
reader, sarahrose20 +, writes (11 September 2010):
sarahrose20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all of you your advice is helpfull but no matter wether he steps up or not i know i cant leave him but i have givin him that ultimatum before he tried for a while then slowly started to give up thats what he always does then i try to get him motivated again but it doesnt work. i guess what i need is to know how to get him moving without him realising it cuz the slightest hint and he immediately goes against me it drives me insane
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female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Cuddling at night before bed doesn't translate to love, I'm sorry to say. That could be due to the fact that it's more comfortable for the two of you, or that it makes you feel less lonely. Constant fighting in a relationship doesn't mean that you necessarily hate each other, either. You two just need to realize that your relationship is definitely NOT a healthy one. Either he steps up and does better to where you don't have to feel this resentment towards him, or you let this relationship go completely. Fighting isn't what "happy" couples are supposed to do, especially if they're going to have any kind of a future together. Best of luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): I agree with HerlovelyWorld entirely. Also, has he been tested yet for that supposed job? Almost all jobs require a mandatory drug test. Even all the stoner friends I have know to take a break while job hunting. He needs to stay away from the bong if he's serious about finding work, or no one will take him.
You need to gather all your thoughts and problems, write them down, go over it all in your head. Try and get yourself into a calm state of mind, and then gently tell him that a relationship isn't a one-way street and you need his help to do this or else it isn't going to work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): Is this the type of relationship you want to have for the rest of your life? Do you want to keep arguing about day-to-day things, or do you want to give an ultimatum for him to put forth more effort?As much as you love him, it might not be worth it to stay if he doesn’t contribute more. Fighting all the time isn’t healthy for anyone, and it’s heartbreaking more often than not. My advice is to give him an ultimatum to do more if you’re at your breaking point. It’s also a good idea to take a step back before the arguing starts full-force so you can get your words and points together. A lot of men take offense to feeling less-than-adequate in the relationship, regardless if that’s the reality or not. It hurts their manhood. Sometimes the hateful things that we WANT to just scream at them… is better left unsaid. Focus on the positives when the arguing starts so you’re not left feeling like the bad guy. Stop letting the anger towards his laziness interfere in the relationship, assess how important he is to you and the changes he needs to make to be a better boyfriend and house-mate. Talk to him about it in a non-threatening way, and if he takes offense, then he’s not clearly listening to your point and it’s likely that he’s not going to put forth any more effort than he’s willing, in which case it would be better to separate. Good luck doll! =)
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Well there is love somewhere in your relationship so there is hope if both of you are willing. If you are constantly being a nag, that has to stop, no one responds well to that but, he does need to understand that you cannot support both of you alone and he needs to be more active, for both you sakes.
If he doesn't get this job, support him when he looks for another. When I say 'when he looks for another' I mean, if he doesn't, you have a right to MAKE him look for another.
Good luck
I hope that helps.
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