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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: So I'm 30 dating a 24 year old and I'm finding it very difficult in a few ways. One that bothers me is how many guys and the caliber of guys she's been with before me. Since we've been dating she has told me some stories and it raised some red flags. Sleeping with a lot of people I actually (6) know and I find it Difficult to go places with her where these people are. I understand it's her past and I fell in love with her for personality...but I find it hard to look past, especially when I am out of town and she's out at night clubs drinking with single females.Another thing is how she is so attracted to black culture and music. I like rap music and black celebrities just as much as the next but she likes almost only rap music and follows black Comedy and black celebrities. She's never been with a black guy so I almost feel like there is curiosity there. She tends to stare at them when we're out and they always hit on her and I can see that she likes the attention. I'm not one to keep someone from pursuing something that they want to do or to be with someone who I feel may want to be with someone else. I can't help but feel insecure. I am a very confident person and very proud, but I feel like I'm not what she wants, which is fine, there are lots of fish in the sea. I have asked her if she is ready to be in a serious relationship and she says yes but deep down I feel like she still has to mature.Last but certainly not least... She cannot orgasm. Our sex life is not what I am accustomed to. When I perform oral sex she looks at me nervously. She says she doesn't feel very much through oral. She doesn't get wet very often and the only thing that she ever wants me to do is rub her with my fingers with substantial pressure. She closes her legs very tight while I'm doing this. She likes to tease me by only putting the tip of my penis in her while she's on top four about 15 seconds then slides down. I don't find this a turn on. It disrupts the flow of sex and I can't feel anything. She's trying too hard to cater to me sexually and she doesn't let me enjoy her. She makes noises like she's in a porno but nothing is really happening when she does this. I think she doesn't get the idea of relaxing and feeling and it makes for a uncomfortable experience for me. I have had great, great sex with girlfriend's in the past but i think she is hitting a mental block somewhere. Any ideas?Please if I can get any feed back I would appreciate it. I never ask for help from the internet so im obviously desperate.Thanks
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fell in love, her past, immature, insecure, my penis, oral sex, orgasm, porn, sex life, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): Her behavior screams insecurity more than your behavior does.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (25 September 2016):
I can’t help feeling that the poor girl is condemned whatever she does. If she leaves you, you’ll say that you knew it all along. If she tells you that she wants to be with you and get serious, you don’t really believe her. Is it little wonder that she’s trying, perhaps too hard, to be sexually adventurous and to impress you? By the way, just because she’s had partners in the past it doesn’t mean she’s going to be sexually experienced and know what works and what doesn’t, especially if you’re the first older boyfriend.
She’s probably got some insecurity being with an older man, who she possibly thinks is more mature. You’re insecure because she’s younger than you: it’s the classic older boyfriend anxiety. The trouble with this is that she’s trying to prove herself to you, doing it in the wrong way and you’re not communicating with her but allowing this resentment to build up. Meanwhile, you’re getting worried that she might be up to things she shouldn’t when out with her female friends just because in the past, she’s done exactly the same thing as you. I’m sorry but she’s been with other men: get over it! How would you feel if she couldn’t look past the fact that there have been other women in your past?
I’m not trying to make you feel bad; I’m just trying to point out to you that this is your insecurity. Whilst I understand where it comes from, you’ve got to bury it and put it to the back of your mind. If you don’t, you’re not far off from suspecting she’s cheating, checking her phone and actively discouraging her from having any independence from you. You’ve also got to take her at her word when she says she wants to be serious and encourage her always to communicate honestly with her. As for your sex life, just tell her what does and doesn’t work for you and encourage her to do the same. Complaining about what you don’t like isn’t good enough. Make sure it’s give and take: good sex is only half about technique. The rest is about communication and meeting each other’s needs.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 September 2016):
 You may have had sexual experience with a number of females but you have a very important lesson to learn: all women are different in their sexual responses and what they find a turn-on.Just because something worked for one woman does not automatically mean it will work for another. For instance, do you know that the majority of a woman's nerves in her vagina are located in the first couple of inches? Anything beyond that does not produce direct sensation in most women. This is probably the reason your girlfriend keeps your penis at the opening of her vagina for a while, as this is the part which she actually feels. She sounds like she is trying very hard sexually but you are super critical of her attempts as what she enjoys does not fit with your previous experience and what you think she SHOULD enjoy. Not all women like oral. Don't subject her to it if it is not something she enjoys. (I might add here that a lot of guys have absolutely NO idea how to perform oral on women and can actually cause discomfort and pain by being too rough.) Let HER tell you what she enjoys. Regarding her past partners, if you cannot get past her history (which, after all, has made her the person she is today), then you need to let her go to be with someone who accepts her as she is. Her past is her past; she cannot change that. As to what you see as her attraction to black men, surely, if she had been THAT fascinated by them (and it sounds like they are attracted to her), she would have gone out with at least one by now.You say you are a confident person. Your post does not give that impression at all. You sound more like a controlling person who cannot cope with anything which he feels he does not have complete control over. Just saying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): This is when you get to know the real person. Because she is a young woman she doesn't have experience in a lot of areas and maybe she is trying to impress you but it is obviously not working out. She is what it is and you accept it and move forward in the relationship or move on and let her go and you can find someone more compatible. We can't change people. We accept them or we left them. It is time to realize that there are some more things than a nice body.
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