A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I always get the opposite of what I want? I've always been told I should go on "more than just a few dates" before I get in a relationship. But there ARE NOT even that many dates. Men just want to go straight from hi to relationship. Or, just to the sex. If it is a relationship, it seems to involve sex. More sex. Like, the second I so much as flirt with a guy he's IMMEDIATELY like, "OK that's great. I'll take it. All of it. Right now. Just for me." And... if I like him, he doesn't want ppl to know were even speaking bc its "our private business". But still... No dates, no flirting and I'm the bad guy bc another man texts me while I'm with him. But I'm " too pushy" for texting him during work. OR he wants a relationship RIGHT NOW and gets mad when I want male friends or swat his hand away when he wants to grab my butt in public.But both guys deny me cuddling and hugs but when they want sex they start humping me. Or expect me to go down on them or pull themselves out of their pants and refuse to go down on me bc "its gross" or "already do all the work with sex" and say I'm bad at being on top bc I don't let them in too deep and I move too slow.What I want: 6-12 months of EXCLUSIVE dating, doesn't have to cost $. Just to get to know him. Talking, spending time, oral is fine IF its equal. I'm not religious at all but I don't want sex. Or children.But... No one is okay with that. Why not? I mean, were all equal! He can court me and I him and we can trade off oral or cost of dates. Why is that so wrong?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2016):
 I think you are right to have some standards. While most people YOUR age don't have the same, you might find some that do.
Waiting 6 months to have sex I don't think is unreasonable, but most guys your age might.
You have to stick to what you feel is right for YOU. That might mean it will be harder to find a partner, it might be you have to try a different approach - like Tindr would NOT be a good choice for you, as most people use that for casual hook-ups (no matter WHAT they put in their profile)
If dating is frustrating you at the moment? take a break and do you. Do things YOU enjoy, things that make you happy. But keep on socializing with friends and meet new people too. Who knows who you might meet.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): You need to pick the romantic nerdy types who have substance,the ones who usually get friend zoned. I'm not sure if a guy will wait 6 months but 3 months is reasonable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): One other thing is what you want is very difficult to have: you want a male best friend to romance you and keep romancing you but you don't want to get used for sex. This means you need to find a male who is willing to wait for "the one".
I know you're not religious and don't want kids so that makes it extra hard. I think you're tired of being used and ignored.
Try making friends or just casual acquaintances with guys. Concentrate on friends with women. Volunteer at a animal shelter, offer to dog walk or voulenteer at a nursing home or city clean up or a cancer walk. Don't work so hard on being sexy, it may be making you look desperate.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): Nobody DATES exclusively for 6 to 12 months. If you are exclusive by a month or two max, you are not dating, you are an item.
If you are going to basically deny sex for 6 to 12 months, then I doubt you will find any takers because that is asking far too much of anyone.
Sex is meant to be the funnest part of any new relationship. Should you wait a little whule before sex? Sure. A month, maybe a little more if that's what it takes to get comfortable. But the longer you hold back, the less likely a man will want to continue in a relationship. It's misogynistic, but sex is basically the biggest thing that separates a relationship from a friendship. And sex is INCREDIBLY important to men. Blame it on the massive amount of testosterone if you must, but men usually have high sex drives because of that hormone.
There are some cultures where denial of sex from either party is grounds for divorce.
That 6 to 12 months is the Honeymoon period and you will likely never be as sexually into each other after that. The sex might get less frequent or less exciting as you both out in less effort as you get to dealing with the minutiae of things that make a relationship work outside of good sex.
So enjoy the honeymoon period because it will end sooner than you'd like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): If they want to rush into a commitment that no one knows about, they probably just want sex. If they want to be ass-grabby in public all the time, they're marking their territory. Neither type respects you so you have to make them earn it!If you absolutely don't want sex, well its going to be hard to get any guy to want to date you or commit to you. You're right that you should date for several months before sleeping with a guy. There's nothing wrong with a year, but expect them to leave on their own as agony uncle pointed out. Just consider dodging a bullet. If they push for sexual right away, put a stop to it right away. If you don't know him well, any sex questions are NONE of his business, "Jon, I want to get to know you better before I talk about that." "Matt, I dont feel comfortable out of public eye until we date a few months". Either way, MEET him in PUBLIC and make sure you can leave easily.I'm not saying you have to dress like a prairie girl or stick your nose in the air, but maybe you're coming across too friendly or too sexually too soon? Maybe you're trying to rush emotional attachment?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): The reason why men seem to get more pushy and intolerant in their later 20s because even the most easygoing ones have finally wised up. Girls spend their teens and early 20s rewarding the most pushy and intolerant guys with more crushes and sex. Its no mystery why all the men are acting pushy and intolerant by their later 20s.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): That's usually based on how and where you meet these men; and they type of guys you're attracted to. You don't meet the right guy easily or quickly. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs. It's a process of selection and elimination.
You also have to be a work in progress. Always working on your attitude, improving your outlook and how you project yourself to others, and how you present yourself in social groups. You have to enjoy dating for the sake of fun and companionship. It can't always be a mission for a boyfriend or a manhunt. People aren't perfect and that includes you too!
Everybody wants everything yesterday, but they don't want to put in the effort it takes to be worthy of the prizes you demand. You pick a few bad choices, and you throw everyone to follow in the same heap. You learn from your mistakes, stay positive, and move on to the next. Yes...if you're attractive, men want to have sex with you. If that's all they want and they don't get it; then you don't have to dump them. They leave by self-elimination. That's a convenience.
Don't pile all your feelings on a guy the second you meet them. Take time to discover whom you're dealing with, and get to know him well. Then don't be so disappointed in how they behave after you jump in the sack with them. You got as much pleasure out of the sex as they did. If you didn't, that's just too bad. Such is life. You may not have been all that good to them either.
Good guys are not as hotly sought after as the bad-boys; because women like to feel irresistible and desirable. It's good for their egos, and knowing a guy is hot for them boosts their self-esteem. There's a little narcissism in all of us, regardless of gender.
Some females like to pretend to be coy and vulnerable. When the truth is, they are manipulative and calculating. Then when they are outwitted by the guy they thought was stupid or putty in they hands, they get totally pissed. Again, such is life. The game goes back and forth.
Take a time-out from dating. Reassess your taste and choices. Fly solo and just enjoy being a woman. If you have consistent bad-luck with guys; then perhaps you might need to dump those you now know, and start from scratch.
You don't always get to pick and choose who gets to be just a friend or a boyfriend. Sometimes the guy does.
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