A
female
age
30-35,
*appyb
writes:I would like to know whether or not my boyfriend is cheating. Of course you can never really know but understanding the signs my boyfriend is presenting would be great, if any at all.I have been dating this guy for roughly 2 months and a bit; however, we use to date 7 years ago when I was 17 and he was 18. We dated for a year, and he fell of the face of the earth. We never 'really' broke up he just stop talking to me. He returned a year later; we dated for two weeks and poof he did the some thing. We reunited at the end of June where we really hit it off. He kept apologizing for the way he was, saying he was young/immature and only wanted to focus on himself. I was very apprehensive, I think I still am, in opening my heart to this guy. But he continuously told me that I was the one and that we will buy a house together, get married, have children (we have our children's names picked out". But just in this last week things have been getting rough/different. I went away last week for the weekend. Everything was fine and we continued communication throughout the entire weekend. I saw him this past Monday and he was normal. Prior to the weekend, we had multiple discussions about his Facebook status - it still said single, he told me he didn't care about it so he didn't care to change it. I do not have Facebook, but I thought if I cared about it, and he doesn't what is the big deal with changing the status or removing the relationship status completely. So he changed it Sunday. Monday I wanted to have a discussion about the fact that if something ever bothered him I would place myself in his shoes and ensure he feels comfortable. I know he changed the status but it was for future reference. I was just trying to have a mature conversation and it turned into an argument - focusing solely on the fact that he had to change his status. He eventually just did not want to talk anymore. He made comments like I would not care if you didn't text me for three days - then rephrased and said I wouldn't worry. But hell I would worry if my boyfriend did not reply to me in three days - what is his point? He doesn't really care? He told me that he is really focused on himself, considering one of the last girls he was with cheated on him - he loved her very much. So now he tells me he puts himself first.After the argument we went back to his house. I am someone who worries a lot about minor things and continuously ponders. I did not feel the best after the conversation.We eventually feel asleep on the couch and when we woke up we headed upstairs - I initiated sex; however, he told he was too tired. But I hadn't seen him for the weekend. So of course, I am all in my own head, I ask him if he cheated...he said no and said it makes him now feel like I did because I asked him. Which I am not. The same thing happened in the morning, he did not want to have sex because he felt insecure about his body and was still tired. But we always have morning sex. I saw him later that Tuesday evening and everything seemed fine. I just feel as though our communication is decimating - Wednesday we barely communicated. We saw each other in the morning and he texted me at 1145 pm saying "i love you baby, I hope you had a great day xox". I feel asleep so I replied in the morning, he replied to me at later in the afternoon. But we had plans to see each other again Thursday night. So when I arrived I felt as though some thing was off - I just got a vibe - but I could also just be in my own head. Everything seemed fine but one point while we were watching a movie he got a text. He started watching the highlights for hockey on his phone - so I started as well - and I asked him who he was texting. He read the text after the highlights - but seemed a little hesitant to do while I was there. He read it in front of me. But told me I should not ask him who is texting and just trust him. He told me that evening that it feels as though we never really had the honeymoon phase and that it feels like we have been together for so long, when in reality it has only been two months. I had the same feeling. He said it was like we missed 7 years of our life. I said we keep arguing about things, but I think he may be feeling bored or frustrated that little arguments prevail. So we pass out on the couch again - go upstairs it is about two in the morning - and I want to have sex. He told me he didn't feel like it - so of course I was bummed and stuff. But then eventually he got in the mood. while we were doing foreplay he said that it was bad for his ego that I haven't cum yet (during foreplay), he makes me cum while having sex. I did not know how to respond to that - I told him it has nothing to do with him. But it worries me that if he feels like his ego isn't boosted with me, will he look else where for this ego boost? We didn't continue the road to sex, because he made a comment about "fucking" I know there is a time and place to talk dirty. But he always told me he hated when I called "sex" - "fucking" but would rather me call it sex or making love. So that comment turned me off.The next morning, we did have sex - I don't something just felt off. Sex was fine, but the evening felt off and he was just not acting the way he usually does. So we were suppose to see each other Friday night - I informed him about an event that was at the gym that I really wanted to go to and that we could go together - he told Thursday that he would see how he felt - but I knew he did not want to go. So in the morning, I told him we could do anything else, he said he would let me know how he felt later that evening after work. I decided that maybe we needed some space - so I told Id go to the event and he is more than welcome to join - he said that I should go and he didn't feel like doing anything that night. I was ok with that. He sent me a message at 9 saying good night baby...xox i love you. I did reply later in the evening when I got home. And this morning he texted me I hope you are sleeping great baby...xox i love you. All these are great texts do not get me wrong. I just feel like our communication is repetitive? like this whole week has felt off. Maybe I just need to give him some space and not think too much? I woke up this morning with a feeling that he was not home last night and I do not know why.I have major trust issues because I have dated people in the past who just never really cared. I feel like I am pushing this guy away unintentionally with all my worries, not that I tell him but I'm sure he feels. What do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): You will never know FOR SURE unless...You hire a private investigator to follow him around for about a month.Listen to your GUT feeling. What does it TELL you? Do you THINK he is cheating? Are you CONVINCED? Even WITHOUT any proof? If you are, then it is highly likely he IS cheating. Or has cheated. Or will cheat. Never dismiss your GUT feeling and your intuition. It is telling you something.Lastly, if you need to be a detective to keep your BF in line, then I think that is the last nail in the coffin. This relationship is not going to last.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 September 2016):
 You know, he should be lying to his mom and YOU shouldn't have to lie to his mom either.
Yes, it sucks for him that she KNOWS he was lying.
And yes it sucks that he is upset you mentioned it to his mom. But... Maybe he should come clean to his mom instead of having those around him lie to his mom. Don't you think?
I think you two are not a match anymore, may 7 years ago, not anymore... too much water under the bridge.
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A
female
reader, happyb +, writes (25 September 2016):
happyb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. I realize now the FB thing was pretty petty and all the other things I am worrying about.I think I did push him away. At this point I kind of feel like I may have lost him. Thursday night he was explaining to me that his mother was asking him about weed and if he still did it. He told her no; however, he was thinking his brother told on him or what not. But I remember a couple of weeks ago, his mother was asking me what our fight was about and I told her it was revolving weed. So I think I spilled the beans. And I told him Thursday that it was not his brother but it was me. And he was very upset/disappointed. He was shocked that it was me. He made the comment that "the best thing about his ex's is that they didn't have a good relationship with his mother". I saw him last night and I thought everything was fine, but his mother came by in the evening and dropped off some of his things (everything that was left at her home, year book, teddy bears). he back very emotional and was then upset with me. I felt terrible that I mentioned anything and potentially caused a fight between his mother and him. Now he is still upset and I am not too sure if he is even happy with being with me anymore. Last night started off fine but after that occurrence, he was rude/cold. This morning before going to work he said he was still upset, but that he would get over it. I sent him a cute text (the ones he use write to me); however, he has yet to respond. He would usually be all over that and write me back right away. I just feel like maybe things are different now, like he cannot trust me
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 September 2016):
Unless you have something solid, there is no way to tell he is cheating. You know where he is and what he is doing. You are an anxious person and you over think thing, I think anyone and even your friends might get annoyed because you are overthinking instead of listening. You want to be heard and understood but all your communication happens in your head and you not being mature about this.
You assume that when your initiation on communication OR sex fails, that something is wrong because you placed all this effort. It takes time to trust someone and your relationship has only been going on for 2 months. Yes you will indeed drive him away as every argument will revolve around trust or lack there of. Is this how you want your relationship to be?
This will become an even bigger problem because you aren't learning from the past. You are just forcing yourself into being a victim because your past relationships didn't work out. But hey, it never really works out for anyone until they find that special someone.
You have some growing up to do. You should start saying what is actually bothering you rather than thinking he should automatically know. No, you do not understand how guys think so stop thinking for him. If you have something solid about his habits then feel free to mention those. FB status, not wanting sex after woken up at 2am, uninspiring text messages...these are all petty things. Try to enjoy the relationship and stop over thinking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): HiI don't know if he's cheating or not, obviously, and I have trust issues also, but if a boyfriend texted me at 9pm saying goodnight I would think it was because he didn't want to be got hold of again that night for whatever reason. Unless he often goes to bed that early, that would make me wonder.Seeming as if he is unwilling to look at a text and deal with it in front of you also seems off to me. I do believe in gut instincts so if you're feeling something's off I'd believe it. Making you feel bad or guilty for not cumming soon enough is horrible in my opinion. Also, he apologised for how he was before and said 'he was too focused on himself' and then when you were discussing texting each other and not replying for three days he said that he's just focusing on himself at the moment.? There are a lot of little things that all add to one big thing and that is that this isn't making you happy. If it was, and you felt secure, you wouldn't be wondering about all these things,,,,they wouldn't exist if he was making you happy. I'd say life is too short for relationships that leave you feeling confused and unhappy. I wouldn't be happy about settling down with this guy if I were you.AS to whether he's cheating or not....there's not enough to go on at the moment. He doesn't sound very into your relationship though.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2016):
I don't necessarily think he is cheating. I just think he hasn't grown a whole lot in those 7 years and you... carry some of that "baggage" from the past where he would just vanish.
It's not totally strange that you don't trust him, but I think you are pushing him away a bit because you are seeing old patterns from him and other guys.
Expecting him to change his status on FB? Really? THAT is a big deal to you? You have only been back together for 2 months! Is it that you think by him changing his status... he will automatically be less likely to vanish?
To be frank, an FB status MEANS nothing in reality. Saying "in a relationship" doesn't stop someone from ghosting you, cheating on you or anything else. Neither does it mean he is serious about you or cares for you deeply.
So as far as that, I think you were being overdramatic. It's freaking Facebook, not the Gospel.
I think you two started with the sex WAY too soon. You HARDLY know who he is today. He hardly knows who YOU are today. THAT is why you have those "generic" text conversations that couple has been a copy & paste job.
Slow down, BOTH of you. Spend time together DOING things you enjoy (OUTSIDE of the bedroom, so not sex).
Learn to SAY what you mean and mean what you say. My guess is, he really wasn't totally sure about having a serious relationship with you. He just went BACK to you because you ALLOWED it. Even though he had dumped/ghosted you TWICE in the past with less care than someone tossing an old tissue in the trash.
2 months in everything should be exciting and new, not looking for stuff that may not even have happened. Seems like you are kind of nitpicking because you don't REALLY want to date him and he isn't sure either.
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