A
female
age
41-50,
*amiOf2
writes:Hello,Im in my mid twenties and am married for less than a year, and been with the man for only 2 years. I have one child ( 2 yr old) from a previouse relationship where I was with the man for 6 years, and a newborn with my husband. Everything was great with us as new relationships usualy are, until about 8 months ago, little by little, things already started falling apart. It started when we moved to another state because my husband opened his own business. I stopped working (my choice) to stay home with my son, then became pregnant. This is when I noticed my husband had a drinking problem. He would drink at his business (a mechanic shop) come home and verbaly and sometimes even pysicaly abuse me, often times in front of my son. He would always lie and try to convince me he didnt drink, even hide liqour from me. This has continued to recent times, and now I have a newborn and I feel hollow inside. I feel #1 lonely because I live in a state where I know no one, my family and friends are 7 hrs away. #2, I feel like I have lost my feelings for him because of being mistreated time and time again, and lied to so many times. I dont even like sex anymore, I thought at first because of the newborn, but he is 2 months old already, and I even cringe when my husband begins kissing me. I also am so saddened at the ammount of times my son has seen the abuse, and he is 2 already, it kills me that he wittnesses it so often. It isnt rite to live this way and my husband sees the emptiness in me, I am not at all how I used to be so the last few weeks he has been trying to convince me how he will never mistreat me again, that he will be a good husband, he doesnt want to lose me because of his ignorance and bla bla bla. But i've heard this before and how should I know if its real this time or not. And besides that, even if he is going to change this time, how can my feelings be restored? I am beginning to feel depressed because of the lonliness I feel. I have never been depressed in my entire life. I am living away from everyone I know and my husband is all I have out here and I dont even feel the connection anymore. I want to leave, but feel like we have been married for such a short time, should I give up so quickly? And I am nervouse about moving back to my home-city and starting all over, this time with TWO kids. I dont even tell my family/friends because I dont want anyone to worry about me, and I always pretend everything is going great. Help!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 November 2008):
 It can be hard. I'm raising two of my children on my own and have a third moving in with me next week. It can be hard. I was in an abusive relationship where the woman was violent. Mainly because of a mental disorder, but my children were still affected. What's hard as well is helping your kids overcome being around abuse.
A couple of months after I ended it, people at the school I was attending saw my youngest daughter and I and said she looked much happier than a few months prior. It took about 4 months to get her to stop saying bad words, and acting out with violent reactions. It's not her fault. She was just following how she was learning to deal with issues.
So, it's not just about your protection. Lucky who I was with was not the mother of my children. I heard she got married. When I told my 14 year old, she laughed and said she feels sorry for the guy she married.
We all make errors in judgment from time to time. What can hurt us long term and those we love is not rectifying that judgment once we recognize the problem. Think of it this way, the longer you're exposed the harder it becomes to overcome.
I wish you luck. I drove through Chicago once, too big for me. Anyway, take care.
A
female
reader, MamiOf2 +, writes (1 November 2008):
MamiOf2 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone who responded because in a way, it makes me feel like someone cares even if it's a complete stranger. And everyone is rite. i like what rcn wrote, and an annonymys reader. But as you can guess as typical, im still in this relationship, but good news is, im back in Chicago (my home town) and my family is around me again, but yea, we sold our business and came back as a family. Things have been ok. I say ok because since the month we been here, there's been no pysical abuse (woop-e rite?) but he's been drunk a lot and putting me down, saying he hates me, he wishes i'd leave, he cant stand me. Then the next day when sober, he says he doesnt remember saying that stuff and doesnt mean it at all, and swears he doesnt know why he even said it and all that crap. I dont even know what to believe anymore. I just know i need to leave. It may be hard for ppl to understand but to leave, i'll need to tell my family ( meaning my aunts and grandmother who've raised me) and that's not that easy. Its like having three mothers who are going to be angry and dissapointed in me for making a bad choice (marrying him) and then i'll have to hear an earful about it, and how hard im going to have it now with 2 kids on my own and bla bla bla stuff i already know. But yea, my family is the hardest part of it all in a way because of my stupid pride.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (11 November 2007):
 Hi MamiOf2 - hope you are Ok. Firstly , do you believe you /your children are in imminent danger of being harmed??? The advice I give still applies, but you need to react very quickly - like tomorrow morning. There's a lot going on here - you will need some support. There are differnt types and different reasons for abuse for which he can get therapy if he is willing. The alcohol is another problem though that complicates it further - again there is support for him - if he is willing.
How willing is he to deal with his problems ? (they are his problems - he would have them whether he was with you - or another woman - or on his own). It is extremely unlikely he can do this on his own - he will need experienced professional help.
Meanwhile - you are in a vulnerable position yourself with a new baby, and no close friends/family in the area.
You can't keep everything together and keep it all a secret. Best to start sharing the problem - and you have - by posting on this website. Well done that's a good start. Keep going now. If you can, you need to share this with family - yours, and his maybe - they might be able to help. You must also get support from ??????? (I don't know what you have available within your state - welfare/medical centre/support group).
So before you make any decisions about your marriage - I would say share the situation with your family and make conatct with a support group. Then you will be in a better position to be making long term decisions. Now if you do believe you are in imminent danger - you should do this straight away and make plans to move out or have a place of safety.
I would suggest you do an internet search for support in your own area first. Or post a request on this site for help in finding such support. Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Hi Hunny,
I brought up 3 children without any support from any of the fathers as both where violent.
I jumped from the frying pan straight into the fire, And all the promises of " I promise i'll change it wont happen again" are pure crap..
This man you are living with is not going to change abusing you infront of your children, Hunny what scares you more the abuse or leaving I no its not easy it took me 5yrs to get out of the second marriage by the skin of my teeth alive. He drank and would use me as his pawn he was the cat I was the mouse and it was the smiling after he had got another hurtfull threat or punch in.
I had to go out with him in the car so as the children couldnt see he was in a mood when he came home from work after he whispered in my ear just what he wanted to do to me...
Im a normally bubbly person who was left a shell of a person love, Dont let this continue have you got any kind of victim support group in your area as they are a fantastic help, You need support and your family you need there support as well, Of course they would be worried if they new what was going on, You have to do this for all of you, Its not your fault that your marriage has gone this way. You dont want your children to see more of this as your family would not wish for you to be going through this, Talk to your family about going home and why and get some support for you counselling and get out of there love. TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Reading that you're allowing your son to see this abuse deeply saddens me. I don't think badly of you at all, so please don't think that. I just feel terrible for you and your situation. I can sympathize with you for many reasons. 1. I have been in an abusive relationship where the man kept saying he would stop..but it didn't stop. It's called the cylce of abuse for a reason. He abuses, feels bad, tries to make up for it with promises and presents, but then something sets him off and it happens again. This is intensified with drugs/alcohol. The violence cycles continuously until the cycle is broken. It must be broken by you leaving. 2. My earliest memory, the very first memory I have in my mind to this day, is of a two-year-old little girl (me) hiding behind the a corner while my mother and father yelled and screamed at each other, and watching him walk over and hit her. I also remember going to the police station with my mom and the color of the bathroom stalls where she showed the police woman the abuse. I was the same age as your son. children that age are much more perceptive than anyone thinks. Please get out, if not for yourself, for the child. My mother continued to date abusive men until i was 13 and i now have very very messed up relationships with men due to, what i honestly believe, is what i was exposed to. I love my mother dearly and respect her more than anyone for getting out! Please do the same. go back to your family and friends who love you and will take care of you in this difficult time. you know, deep down, that's what best. you are not happy, and your son will not be happy in the future if you continue to subject him to this. please do what you need to do to make yourself happy and your life and the life of your son better!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 November 2007):
Excuses, excuses. He makes excuses for why he's abusive, and you make excuses for why you remain in the situation. Should you give up so quickly, yea, and you should have 8 months ago when the abuse began. Even if he says he's going to change, he will until you get comfy again, then back to the abuse. He says he wont mistreat you again, let me ask you this question, if he really loved you and wanted to be in this marriage, then why did he mistreat you in the first place.
I'm a single parent. It's not bad having a new beginning. Especially when dealing with abuse. You said you have a son and another child. Maybe this will answer if you should stick around. Every verbal and physical abuse your children witness, better the chance of them picking up on, learning the behaviors, and imitating them with who they are with.
No one has the right to treat anyone the way you've been treated. Abuse is something that should not be accepted in any manner at any time. My children got a good cry when they watched a video memorial for Kelsey Briggs. The 3 year old who passed in 1999 from abuse. A quote from her grandmother is one I don't think I'll ever forget "Her daddy was in Iraq fighting for our country while Kelsey was fighting for her life." Her dad came back from his tour days after his daughter was buried. Very sad story, but a testament that child abuse is never to be condoned. If I were you, I'd be out of there, you don't just have a duty to yourself, but you have a duty to protect your children. I know you want a marriage to work, but trying to get it to work cannot be at the expense of the happiness of your children.
Best of luck.
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