A
male
age
41-50,
*tonedman
writes:Hi There,On Thursday my wife who i married only in april of last year told me it is over, we had been together for five and a half years. She started this process back in november by saying that she just wasnt happy in the relationship and that she needed to move out to have time to think.She then moved out in december saying that she wanted us to start dating again and learn how to enjoy eachother once more.This never happened, all she did was push me away, we would only really see eachother once a week for maybe 2 hours, and only ever spoke if i got desperate and ran to her.During the time this was all happening, i looked at her home e-mail accounts, yes i know this was bad of me hehe. But in those e-mail accounts i found out that she had not been honest with me. The reason that she wanted to leave was that she was interested in a guy at work, they had been flirting very explicitly and she really enjoyed it and it excited her.Eventually i told her that i had seen these e-mails and knew about jamie, she sort of admitted it but promised me that it was all over with him, they never did more than this explicit flirting, it never got physical. She said that she didnt even talk to him anymore.We did go and see a marraige counsellor through Relate, but this wasnt what i expected, rather than try to help us save our marriage, she simply pushed my wife to make the decision to end the marriage.On friday, after she had told me it was all over, i again looked at her e-mail account.In there was an email chain between her and this Jamie showing that he had been pushing her to make this decision, he asked if now that she was single could he take advantage with her...... she replied yes. This was less than 16 hours after we split up !! She arranged to meet him on saturday.I told our friends about this e-mail and lots of people started talking to her about this, i even spoke to her dad about it as i was really close to her family, i was absolutly distraught about this.She has convinced everyone that nothing has happend with jamie, and that no-matter what she said in that e-mail she doesnt intend to do anything with him. Her Dad said he would call me on sunday after talking to her, but to this point he hasnt called, and i know he has spoken to her. I'm worried that she has turned things round and now her family want nothing to do with me.To add onto this situation with my wife, my mother, who was the most important person in the world to me died in august last year, this really knocked me for six, but because i had my wife i had been able to deal with it. But now i have no-one to help me through that loss. And my mum is not there to help me through the loss of my wife. I am soo desperate for a hug and some affection right now, but have no-one to turn to for it. Most of my famale friends are through my ex-wife, and although they are there for me, obviously they are first and foremost her friends.I just dont know what to do or where to go.I'm not eating, i'm not sleeping, i dont really have much of a support network to call on.How can i face the loss of my mum, and the loss of my wife at the same time on my own!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): hang in there, you will be okay and I'm sure your Mom will always be there for you...even if it's from the other side!
A
female
reader, Sex Kitten  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Waterloo Sunset has said it all my friend!
Take care and be strong xXx
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A
male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 Hey I'm truly moved by your pain, and I understand, somewhat of where yourecoming from. I agree with waterloo sunset. The most difficult thing to do is not contact your X. You are going to have to cut the communcation here, as it wont do you any good to speak or hear from her. Remove the things that remind you of her from the house. Secondly you should get involved in as many activities as possible. Physical activities are good. Like working out at the gym. Also, other ,more social activities like volunteering for some kind of service that helps other people, organic farming, whatever....anything that will get you out of your head and with other people. Also, helping others, helps take us out of our own misery (which, though we all share these emotions, are basically selfish- hence selfless service- actually is very beneficial to ourselves as well). The pain wont go away right away. But it also really helps if we train our minds. Now...I know this sounds a bit nutty, but meditation actually helps. It takes months for it to work, but once you start, you may see that it has results. And lastly..I believe pain, is the only form of communication God usesto really SHOCK us out of our complacency. We live these static lives, and then all of a sudden....a big slap to the face...wake up! Its like, we're on this journey, and we start to think that its about having a swell time. If things continued going great, eventually we find something to suffer from, because the truth is suffering is the only way for us to learn.It is as if our inate instinct is to search out pain to make us grow, and understand. So look at this situation as a spring board that will help you to get a spiritual jumpstart. Discover yourself, and become a better person (theres always room for improvement). Eventually you'll find the right person. and as waterloo said, might be a good idea to search out some of your old buds, or make new friends in whatever activities you choose to take part in. If you want to get over this,it is really key, that you take part in as many things as possible. follow this advice, and in a year or maybe 2, you should be in pretty good shape. Oh yeah- don't let it mess with your confidence, that your x is in love with another guy...Its one of those things that happen, and is no reflection on youas a person, or lover, or whatever. It just means, that you two were simplynot right for eachother. So don't snoop into her stuff. Drop her like a heavy stone thats been weighing you down. take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): I am sending you loads of hugs. You poor thing. I am so sorry to hear about your mum, you are still going through the grieving process and this does take some time. Sorry, also but i think you are well shot of your wife, i think she made excuses for the fact that she was seeing someone behind your back. Sorry to put this so bluntly, but what you have said leads me to think this, you have been taken for a fool and you are well rid of her. Why not get back in touch with some old friends that you havent heard of in years? Or maybe join some courses. I worked for me. I went along to cookery classes (not saying that is what you should do), i learnt how to do wok cooking, it was such a laugh. Made some life long female friends and through them i met my lovely bloke who i am married to now.
Stop staying in, get out there and forget about your ex wife, and dont have her back in your life. Leopards never change their spots. She wont be any different. Move forward and change the locks. You do deserve better and there are better days ahead. You may not believe that right now, but i survived a lot worse than you and i am here to tell the tale.
Keep in touch if you want and please do take each day as it come, dont try to run before you walk!
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): It seems she is not for you. I understand your feelings. If is so hard. However, it will pass and you will get the right person. Just try to forget her and go for the other who really fits to you. If you think what happened again and again, sure, you will feel pain. Try to forget the past and try to look into better and bright future. You know that she has been cheating on you.
God bless and His peace be with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): "Everything is ok in the end, if it's not ok then it's not the end"
Your wife sounds like a 'fairweathered' friend. There when its good but can't deal when its bad. It will be hard at first but in time you will find your strength and this will all be a distant memory. Pray and meditate it really does help. Hang in there. Wishing you well. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): hello dear, oh my god this is really hard now to you at this time. you know what"i do understand what is your going through & i know its very, very hard now, but dear we both know that this things not happen only once and you are not alone with this, what about move on"she already put even just a little break on the glass but this is the start. you two are married, if she is really into it, she should never think of moving out in the house and needing a space or time to think again. this is not a stable thoughts of starting a family. i would say you better start to move on now for your own life, stop following her, you do not deserve this kind of woman. dont waste your time following her since you already did once and didnt work. go on to the devorce and make a peace on your own now. let her do her things alone and dont be her slave or her follower you dont deserve that. and by the way everybody has a reason why they are doing something, for sure she have her own reason just like what she told you"she is not happy to the relation with you"then just let her go.. give her what she want. find your own way to be happy.. you will make it dear.. just be strong... gladyz
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): You need to grieve properly for your Mother and I think you should prioritise this need because you say she was the most important person to you. That appears to mean she was placed higher / of more importance to you than your wife. This is not a criticism but I am trying to help you see that I think you can only deal with one thing at once at the moment. The cruel situation for you that exists is that you feel so vulnerable mentally and physically. I suggest you find a good counsellor - not relate, but someone who is BACP registered and can look at bereavement or family or relationships. It is good if they offer a free preliminary chat - even over the phone - to see if they are right for you etc. Make sure they are accessible so you can get to sessions easily. There is no shame in counselling and I personally recommend it because I am in a shockingly lonely place right now and it has provided an objective, supportive lifeline. As for your wife I can only suggest that because you have so much to bear right now, if there is any way you can remove yourself from further pain in that direction I think you will be helping yourself. For what its worth I don't think she has treated you with much respect from the outset and perhaps you will come to terms with this in time. Please don't be hard on yourself. Keep life simple for now and just focus on each day. Set small tasks and goals and try and achieve those - do not attempt too much otherwise you risk depression. Seek help and support - even just popping round to someone for a cup of tea. One day I think you will look back at this period in your life and see it as the huge personal challenge that it is and that having overcome it you will be able to help others. You sound like a really nice person so I hope you find happiness in the future.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 You can, and you will face this. It just doesn't seem as if she was the one for you. The marriage was more a way of securing her from leaving, instead of getting married for the right reasons. Marriage is a commitment, and some people (female and male) aren't prepared to enter into such a commitment.
Quite often marriage counseling doesn't work. Reason being (pay me $100 to show you how to end a relationship) they'll gladly accept the money and teach what you want, even if they see some ability to salvage the relationsihp, and of course they'll give advice on saving it, even if they say (no way in hell), after you leave the office.
Now the actions she has done shows immaturity, lack of self esteem possibly, not ready to settle down and be the "wife", and definately not prepared to really work on improving and having a good marriage.
Even if the counseling you went too was good, it still doesn't work unless both people go into it with the intentions of really learning, and changing their boundaries in the relationship. Going in opposite directions would be like a tug o war, and someone will end up in the mud.
Sorry your marriage ended up like this. It's hard, and it will be a challenge for a while. I've been divorced, and things do get better.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 I am very sorry and my empathy to you . When everything seems lost, there is always God. He can help you overcome your griefs.Please give it a try.
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