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female
,
*adyluck
writes: I have a problem...I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a half years we have a child together.We were young when we got together and my child came along quickly and unplanned. I have always loved him but the past year or so I have been having itchy feet. I know he loves me but he has put me through such alot, cheating neglecting being nasty. I know alot of it was just that he needed time to grow up (which he has) but so did I and I was always faithful to him, and tried to be what he needs. It's only in the past year hes returned the favour. I am a size 10 with a jelly belly and he wont take us on a familly holiday beacuse I cant wear a bikini. He gets nasty in the summer because Im a little chubby in places and makes comments and wont take me out. He moans about everything i do half the time. In the past 6 months people have been complimenting me and stuff and i think there might be more to life than him, but we do have something special in a lot of ways and i dont want to split my childs family up, we are all happy. But im so full of resentment and panic that if i stay with him i'll regret it one day. HELP Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): I am pushing a size 10, and my boyfriend is unhappy with the way i look. I have been thin my entire life, being able to eat whatever I want, and not gaining a pound. But since all the stress surrouding circumstances in the past couple years, I have gained quite a few pounds (around 20). I am a freshman in college who started late (I am 21), and I don't have the time to think about losing weight. I hope to being a weight-loss plan to lose the weight before summer, but he does not seem to be encouraging. If you want to lose weight, then do it for yourself, not for him. If you are happy with yourself and he is not, then get rid of him. The only person you should be concerned with is yourself, and if you are happy with yourself, that is all you need to be worried about.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): Your 'Boyfriend' should accept you for the way you are and not make you feel as thought you need to lose weigth when you area size 10, which may be due to his baby, i advise you speak to him and tell him you aint comfortble with the way his treating you and its giving you doubts on the way you feel about him.
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A
female
reader, ask paige  +, writes (1 June 2006):
 i understand what you are saying BUT no woman shoukd beb treated like that any circumstances if he complains about your weight its up to you to loose it or not but if you are going to loose it losse it for yourself not anyone else as for spliiten the family up it will be best for the child to grow up in an envioroment which is friendly and loving and not full of resentment so i feel you should ignore all the good things and then see yourself being with your boyfriend for another 10 years and tell me if they look a happy 10 years if they dont you need to ask yourself am i worth this and you need to confront him about it if you want it to work love from paige xx
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (1 June 2006):
Hey Dr. Pete,
It takes a man of great character to recognize another. It’s always nice to hear good news from the Doctor!
Thanks Dr.,
Happylife,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): My girlfriend is a size 10 and she always used to refer to her belly as a "jelly belly" when infact, like camille said, womens stomachs are supposed to be a little curvy. It took some time convincing my girlfriend otherwise, her belly is one of my fav bits and love it when she now wears a croptop, and I love touching her there. If I could feel a six pack, it would probably turn me off TBH. ladyluck your boyfriend should be proud of your body, and he is half responsible for your child remember! :)
Happylife, I must say you do seem like a likable character even if I disagree with some of your points... and I can understand, with your views, that you do not wish to get married ;)
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A
female
reader, camille +, writes (31 May 2006):
 Size 10 (UK or US)is small. Jelly Belly = woman are meant to have a curvy belly. You are normal. In fact well below the averaged size woman. Having said that, just so you know i totally empathize, I have put on 2 and a half stone in 4 years. Probably because i fell in love and am happy. I'd like to lose a stone of that (I don't seem to be doing well at that). My fella loves me and I know he sees the extra weight. It's ME who fears him leaving, so that's my issue. Please don't let your man take your self esteem. If you are happy with the way you look then don't mind anything negative anyone else says. You've had a child for goodness sake, that can do allsorts to a woman's body/shape. I admire you not wanting to break the family up, but actually it isn't you doing that. I will ask you to ask yourself, that apart from your child, why are you with him? You deserve better and I'm sorry butyou don't sound happy. You only get on elife, it's yours, don't let ANYONE dictate how you should live it. Put your energies into your child and you.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (31 May 2006):
 And your proof that this is how ALL men (or even just a majority) feel?
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (31 May 2006):
Hey Willywombat,
I think in all fairness it is only right that I answer your question. After all, you took the time to reply to all my questions too. So here we go!
You asked me “how *less* pretty people have relationships and sexual ones at that considering that they are not pleasing to look at.”
Well I believe that beauty is in the mind of the beholder. Therefore, while you may look at a couple and think that they are so not pleasing to look at, they may actually find each other hot, sexy and very good looking. So we can’t really label people as unattractive or not pleasing to look at because while they may be unattractive to you they may be very attractive to somebody else. I believe that ever person must find their spouse attractive at some level.
Hope that answers your question.
Now let me extend this fairness to Dr. Pete. Dr, I don’t know that I want to get married. I have a great girlfriend and we enjoy our relationship very much. She has her own house and I have mine. We pretty much get to enjoy all that a married couple would enjoy except the fights and all the having to put up with each other when we don’t want to. See, we had a great Memorial Day weekend but we didn’t meet yesterday (Tuesday) so now we miss each other again. I like that lifestyle better than to have to live with her 24/7. That is just me though buddy! LOL…
Take care guys,
Happylife
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (31 May 2006):
Still haven't answered my questions tho.
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (30 May 2006):
Dear Ladyluck, I hope that I’ve been helpful to you. Please do not hesitate to e-mail me should you ever have any questions. Martini, you are very funny!
Willywombat, Wendyg and Dr. Pete, thanks for all your responses. I’m sure that just like myself you were all discussing things with the best intent. I enjoyed reading all your points of views.
I will let you all take this debate from here as I feel that all my points have been made and I have nothing further to contribute to this topic. I will also respect everybody’s opinion, even that of southernbabe who wrote just to say that Happylife is crazy. LOL…
Take care guys and here ends the Happylife marathon!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Anyway, can I help to try to break this ongoing argument up? I know it's tempting to go at each other continously with forks, knives and possibly used condoms too, but our primary goal here was to try to give advice to Ladyluck. Let's just close these arguments, whether you're right, wrong, or something in between. Take it to the forums if you will...
WillyWombat, if you must, I suggest something inflatable and not easily popped. Bite it if you need to. Happylife, go take a nice hot shower and read a book before bedtime.
As for Ladyluck, you've seen the arguments and advice here. Best wishes to you!
-Martini the Naughty Bunny
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 May 2006):
Oh and well done to happylife for learning the complexities of *cutting*, *pasting*, repeating yourself as a means of getting your point across (oh, and failing miserably at it I may add - as there appears to be NO point to what you are trying to say!), repeating what other people say as a way of tring to belittle their viewpoints and having a narrow one track mind that seems obsessed by sex and the aesthetics of beauty.
No, you ahven't given anybody any PROOF of what you believe. May I point out YET AGAIN, that you are regurgitating the mad ramblings of one individual who happened to write a book, who's word you ahve taken as the gospel truth that this is how ALL men feel. You also didn't answer my question about how *less* pretty people have relationships and sexual ones at that considering that they are not pleasing to look at.
Looking forward to a reply that actually makes sense, doesn't repeat itself, oh, and answers MY questions.
You don't blow my mind mate, for I have a feeling I am actually verbally sparring with a 25 year old computer nerd who hasn't actually had any experience with the opposite sex yet and just thinks he knows it all.
Over to you happylife old buddy...............
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 May 2006):
Very droll Dr Pete, lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Is there a Mrs Happylife? :)
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (30 May 2006):
On May 28th 2006 I asked willywombat to ask her eight brothers and her husband the following question:
If your wife could only meet one of the following emotional needs for the rest of your marriage, which would you prefer she met??? PICK ONLY ONE!
A. Sexual fulfillment
B. Recreational Companionship
C. Admiration
D. Physical Attraction (An Attractive Spouse)
E. Domestic Support
On May 29th 2006 willywombat responded by saying: “Busted, one brother has told me that he prefers sex to any of the other items on your list......but then he is single and is actively enjoying his singledom.” and on May 30th 2006 she added “I said that the males in my family are not quite as shallow as you sweetie. That sexual fulfillment is not number one on their list.”
So, only one out of nine men in her family picked option A. What about the other eight??? Well, they all picked options B through E before they thought of options A, which means, eight men including willywombat’s husband would prefer physical attraction over sexual fulfillment.
So willywombat, don’t tell me that I’m the one who said it, look at your own words above and see for yourself what you said about the men in your family.
As for the proof you keep asking, Dr. Pete has asked for the same proof and I wrote a very large e-mail on this subject. I’m tired of having to cut and paste information so you can see what I said, so just go read my e-mail from May 28th 2006 that is right below your e-mail from May 29th 2006. I even put my proof in big CAPITAL LETTERS so that no one would miss it but you still managed to miss it.
Now my dear wendyg, you are such a double standard lady. You say that I should use a forum for discussion but you were the first person to criticize my writing instead of just posting your own opinion like everybody else had done before you. Also, here you are again posting an article against happylife which does not say anything to ladyluck. Shouldn’t you be the first to follow your own advice? What a double standard!!! You also said that you were not going to engage in a debate with me, so what are you doing posting another e-mail against happylife?? Are you a hypocrite??? My goodness!
Now, I’m tired of lecturing to willywombat and wendyg so I’m going to bring a conclusion for ladyluck. As you can see ladyluck, eight men in willywombat’s family, including her husband, would prefer physical attraction over sexual fulfillment. That statistic is even shocking to me. I’m all in to fitness but I’m not that shallow you know. If nothing else, this is a great indication that physical attraction is a VERY IMPORTANT emotional need for men, even more important than I thought.
I guess this proves my point beyond the shadow of the doubt and I rest my case.
This has surely been a mind blowing experience for me!
From the men in your corner ladyluck,
Happy life signing off.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 May 2006):
Wrong
You said that.
I said that the males in my family are not quite as shallow as you sweetie. That sexual fulfillment is not number one on their list. You see, not everyone is as shallow as you....it is actually quite simple.
As for the poor girl who posted this question (if she exsists and it is not just happylife trying to sell more copies of *his* book) she asked for help. She needed to be told how to be strong and stand up to the muppet who treats her as if how she looks is more important than who she is.
I would like to see you explain how individuals who are not quite as asthetically pleasing as your average person manage to find long and lasting love? Would it be bacasue your theory (or rather the theory of the person who wrote the book) is just that, only a theory....with many great and glaring holes in it? And as I asked before why haven't you defended your lack of 'proof'? Is this because it is just how *you* feel.
It is allowable to conect with what is written in a book, but this does not mean that it should and does apply to everyone. And I must point out that your theory is very flawed if I can drag up just over half a dozen people who disagree with what it says without even trying!
Enjoy your book happylife, but do not presume it applies to everybody.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (30 May 2006):
 Well Martini, If you look I did suggest that Happylife use the forum if he was so adamant on making a debate. Instead of that he proceeded to actually attack me and turned this all into an argument. Of course this didnt help the girl that asked the question but happylife didnt seem to care about that so long as he managed to get on and promote this "fabulous book" that everyone must read! Must be down in the ratings or something this book, perhaps its something to do with the fact that people dont actually agree with it either!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): May I top this discussion off by saying, "Wow, 33 replies and 80% of it not accurately related to the thread!" Congratulations everyone - including myself. [bows]
8]
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (30 May 2006):
OK willywombat you win! I had no idea that there are some husbands out there who would prefer to give up lovemaking with their wives forever in exchange for physical attraction. Whats even more amazing is that you said that looks shouldn't matter in a relationship but seven of your brothers and your husband would give up love making forever in exchange for physical attraction. Yup, you blew my mind indeed!!!!
LOL
Amazing,
Happylife
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (29 May 2006):
Exactly you are repeating yourself over and over. This does not make it true. You are quoting from the opinions of one man who wrote one book. Do you ahve research and evidence to back up your *wild* theories. And what do you say to the many women who say there partners don't want to have sex because of a low sex drive. This is somehow thier fault is it? Like I said before, I have read you postings and I disagree with what you are saying. You are narrow minded and you do not speak for all men. You ahve some valid points in what you are saying which may be applied to some people but I am afraid you are wrong when you try to paint all men and women the same.
As i said at the beginning, you are quoting alleged *facts* from your own head and one source.
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (29 May 2006):
Hey martini, that was a nice letter you wrote. The story about your parents definitely addresses most marriages today and your own experience with women again reflects the differences we have with women. Thanks for posting it, I enjoyed reading it.
Willywombat, I have to say that your brothers and husband are sticking to their lie if they said that they can do without sex for the rest of their lives. Either that or maybe they are all planning to become priests. I personally don't know that it is possible for a married
man to give up sex for the rest of his life unless there is something seriously wrong with his sex drive or maybe his wife is just so unappealing. If your husband really looked at you in the eye and said "honey, I could stand to never have sex with you for the rest of my life in exchange for affection" I have to say.....
HOW ABOUT IF I JUST DON'T GO THERE!!!!
Now,you said something that really tells me that you are not reading my e-mails. Here is what you said "But unfortunately happylife I disagree with your perception of the question posted by our asker.She should not have to change unless she wants to."
Well instead of telling you that I never said that she should have to change, I simply copied and pasted three paragraphs from my past e-mails that totally explained my position on this subject.
A male reader, happylife +, writes (26 May 2006):
Dear ladyluck,
PARAGRAPH 1
First of all, lets address the question. “Lose weight or my boyfriend”. Lets be sure to understand that all my advise is pertaining to the question above. I am not discussing anything about the fact that your boyfriend cheated on you or whether or not he harms you physically. I am only addressing the question of “Lose weight or my boyfriend” based on your boyfriend being dissatisfied with the way you look now. As far as he cheating on you, I have
not and am not telling you what to do about that.
PARAGRAPH 2
You don’t have to lose weight, however, if you want to meet his emotional need you are going to have to. In return, he too will meet your emotional need. It will work like magic, I promise.
A male reader, happylife +, writes (25 May 2006):
PARAGRAPH 3
So ladyluck, you will have to decide if you are willing to compromise and meet his emotional need that is currently going unmet ro not. If you are not willing to do this then you have to be prepared to lose him. Keep in mind though, most men in the planet have the emotional need for physical attraction especially when they are still young (under 35 years old), even when they are not good looking themselves. In my opinion, it is much easier for you to lose weight and become very good looking and have a happy boyfriend, than it is for you to find a decent good looking man who won’t care about the way you look.
The choice is yours but his emotional need has to be met and so do most men’s.
=======THE END==============
Just in case you still didn't get it here is exactly where I stand. ladyluck first has to decide if she wants to stay with her boyfriend and make the relationship work or not. If she decides to leave then she may move on as she pleases. However, if she decides that she wants to make her relationship work then the only solution is to lose weight!
I hope this helps you understand my position on this subject. Should you have any further questions just ask and happylife will be happy to explain.
Take care and happy Memorial day.
Happylife
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (29 May 2006):
Hey martini, that was a nice letter you wrote. The story about your parents definitely
addresses most marriages today and your own experience with women again reflects the
differences we have with women. Thanks for posting it, I enjoyed reading it.
Willywombat, I have to say that your brothers and husband are sticking to their lie if they
said that they can do without sex for the rest of their lives. Either that or maybe they are
all planning to become priests. I personally don't know that it is possible for a married
man to give up sex for the rest of his life unless there is something seriously wrong with
his sex drive or maybe his wife is just so unappealing. If your husband really looked at you
in the eye and said "honey, I could stand to never have sex with you for the rest of my life
in exchange for affection" I have to say.....
HOW ABOUT IF I JUST DON'T GO THERE!!!!
Now,you said something that really tells me that you are not reading my e-mails. Here is
what you said "But unfortunately happylife I disagree with your perception of the question
posted by our asker.She should not have to change unless she wants to."
Well instead of telling you that I never said that she should have to change, I simply
copied and pasted three paragraphs from my past e-mails that totally explained my position
on this subject.
A male reader, happylife +, writes (26 May 2006):
Dear ladyluck,
PARAGRAPH 1
First of all, lets address the question. “Lose weight or my boyfriend”. Lets be sure to
understand that all my advise is pertaining to the question above. I am not discussing
anything about the fact that your boyfriend cheated on you or whether or not he harms you
physically. I am only addressing the question of “Lose weight or my boyfriend” based on your
boyfriend being dissatisfied with the way you look now. As far as he cheating on you, I have
not and am not telling you what to do about that.
PARAGRAPH 2
You don’t have to lose weight, however, if you want to meet his emotional need you are going
to have to. In return, he too will meet your emotional need. It will work like magic, I
promise.
A male reader, happylife +, writes (25 May 2006):
PARAGRAPH 3
So ladyluck, you will have to decide if you are willing to compromise and meet his emotional
need that is currently going unmet ro not. If you are not willing to do this then you have
to be prepared to lose him. Keep in mind though, most men in the planet have the emotional
need for physical attraction especially when they are still young (under 35 years old), even
when they are not good looking themselves. In my opinion, it is much easier for you to lose
weight and become very good looking and have a happy boyfriend, than it is for you to find a
decent good looking man who won’t care about the way you look.
The choice is yours but his emotional need has to be met and so do most men’s.
=======THE END==============
Just in case you still didn't get it here is exactly where I stand. ladyluck first has to
decide if she wants to stay with her boyfriend and make the relationship work or not. If she
decides to leave then she may move on as she pleases. However, if she decides that she wants
to make her relationship work then the only solution is to lose weight!
I hope this helps you understand my position on this subject. Should you have any further
questions just ask and happylife will be happy to explain.
Take care and happy Memorial day.
Happylife
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2006): Well Happylife, as per my 'essay', I can see your points quite clearly actually. Let's look at my parents for a sec:
When they first dated about 29 years ago, my dad was very sweet, patient, and well-mannered towards my mom and her parents. My mom was a docile, passive, and a very caring person. Once they got married however, my dad started to become less affectionate while he turned his attention to trying to make more money. My mom in return became more and more unhappy. In terms of sex, from the way their personalities are like, I would say my dad initiates 100% of the sessions. My mom probably just wants to make my dad happy. My dad most likely just wants to erm, explode. 8[
Over the years, my mom has told me this, "Your father wasn't always like this! He used to be such a sweet caring man, who was patient, good tempered, well-mannered, and was very considerate towards people's feelings! But as he got older, all those things changed for the worst! I don't understand how someone can change so much!" Well, it has to do with many things like work and stress and finances of course.
Now about 29 years later, my dad has become a lot calmer, a bit more considerate, caring, and tries to help around the house, etc, though his temper is still quite bad when he blows up. On occasions, my dad takes my mom out for the evening. It took him awhile to change, but better later than never.
As for myself, I can also see both points of Dr. Pete and Happylife coinciding with my relationships. My then gf would try to dress up, be hot and yummy for me while we're in private and public. She would try to cater to my desires, etc, etc. She loved me to hold her, cuddle with her, etc, etc, and I loved doing all that too. However, I will have to agree that what Happylife said about women needing more affection and attention is true for myself. All my past girlfriends needed constant affection and attention from me. For myself, it's nice to receive equal (or more) affection and attention, but I don't ask for it, nor do I need it. As long as they acknowledge we're together, that's good enough for me. EVEN when they deny they want constant affection, a good way to 'test' this is not bother with it. They will obviously get angry at you 'for no reason' out of the blue. [sigh]
Anyway in terms of sex; even though my past girlfriends all enjoyed our sexual experiences together, I initiate most of our love making sessions. Especially with my most recent partner, of the hundreds of times we've done it, she's only initiated around 2 or 3 times. This kinda mind boggles me though... Erm.
Mhm.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (29 May 2006):
Busted, one brother has told me that he prefers sex to any of the other items on your list......but then he is single and is actively enjoying his singledom.
But unfortunately happylife i disagree with your perception of the question posted by our asker. She should not have to change unless she wants to. BUT, and I accept this, he may not stick around for her. BUT if he doesn't and is willing to sacrifice a relationship for the sake of a *jelly belly* when that same belly gave him his gift of a child why would this woman want to be with him anyway. She is obviously worth more than a guy who basis a so called loving relationship purely on looks and I hope she finds it. Because she will......not everybody thinks in the same way as you.
You presume to know my brothers and husband and that they are all lying about how they feel. But hey 8 out of nine lying? And you cannot conced that YOU could be wrong.
Enjoy your book sales going thru the roof.
lol
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (28 May 2006):
Hey Dr. Pete,
I believe that you are comparing the emotional needs of young couples dating verses those of married couples. Your examples of women being glad to pay for a date is quite typical during the dating phase. Also, it is quite common that men will enjoy affection during the dating phase while women are still looking very young and at their hot and sexy stage. However, after marriage all those little emotional needs begin to go unmet. Here is something very important to realize. People who end up divorcing because their spouses fail to meet their emotional needs were at one point before marriage completely meeting each other's needs with little effort. After all, that is why they got married in the first place. When a relationship is very young and new, men usually meet all the emotional needs of women effortlessly and the vise verse applies. However, it is after they say "I do" and "Till death do us apart" that those needs begin to go unmet. The reason they go unmet is that the man and the woman's emotional needs were different from the beginning but did not show until all the excitement of marriage settled. Therefore, your experiences are probably those of young and new relationships when the two of you are at your best and very enthused by the new relationship. If you talk to most married women (who have at least been married for two years) be sure to ask them the following questions:
How well does your husband meet your emotional needs for affection, Conversation, honesty, financial Support, family Commitment. Then be sure to ask the husbands the same question. I guarantee that you will get totally different answers. Also if you were to ask the above question to young ladies dating a new boyfriend, I again guarantee that their reply will be totally different from those of the married women.
If you read all my articles again, you will see that I often talk about spouses and not a NEW boyfriend or a NEW girlfriend.
Here is a great example, once upon a time ladyluck had herself a very loving and carrying boyfriend who probably treated her very well and met her emotional needs. However, here we are six years later. Need I say more?? I can assure you that if ladyluck's boyfriend had treated her this way from the beginning of the relationship they would not have lasted six years. What happened? Well for the majority of the six years, ladyluck was so fine and sexy and was able to meet her man's emotional need for attraction in addition to all his other emotional needs. However, after she gained weight and had a baby, that emotional need went unmet. The fact that he has cheated on her could also indicate that another important need went unmet; sexual fulfillment (just like Mother hen suggested). Now he is a dissatisfied man and is no longer willing to meet all her (ladyluck's) emotional needs that he once met so effortlessly.
Now you said that I conceded that men and women want the same things. This tells me that you did not understand my last e-mail. I've never argued that men and women don't want the same things, instead I've always argued that they have different PRIMARY/ESSENTIAL emotional needs. Top five to be exact!!! Do you see the difference?
You also said "if you want to argue your case, in the way that you do in that "men want this" and "women want that" you really do need to back it up with more evidence rather than to resort to just your personal experiences." Ok Dr. Pete here is my evidence that goes beyond my personal experience. I'll even put it in capital letters so you don't miss it.
IN THE US OF A, TODAY 50% OF MARRIAGES END UP IN DIVORCE. ----- Dr. Pete, did you know that if any other type of contract signed between two people or parties had this much failure, congress would intervene?????? Amazing.
By the way Dr. Pete, do you think that the other 50% that stay married are all happy??? Think again. Basically, the percentage of married couples that are very happy with their marriage (meeting all of their emotional needs) is less than 50%. Do these national statistics suggest to you that men and women have the exact same emotional needs and want the same things out of marriage (all with the same priority)????? If you say yes, you will really blow my mind Dr. Pete. Oh ya, just in case you don't believe my statistics, just visit http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html. They have done all the homework for us on the divorce rate in America.
Now to all the men and women who have been married for a while let me know how this describes your relationship. Ladies, do your husbands really continue to meet your emotional needs the same way they did before marriage? How about you Gentlemen, what do you say?
Thanks again Dr. Pete,
Happylife
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): Hi Happylife
I'm glad you agree that men and women want the same things, but I'm still going to have to disagree that the two sexes have different priorities!
You mention communication, sex, affection and finance. I am a guy and I actively pursue communitive relationships, and historically have found myself to prioritise the importance of communication the same, if not more, than the women I have met. As for sex and affection, I again have enthasis on affection and if I were to notice a drop in affection, I certainly would not be comfortable in pursuing sex. You also say women have a lower sex drive than men, this too is not true in my experiences of women.
As for finance, I've always had very financially equal relationships. My partners have been more than happy to pay half (or more) for everything, and the only two reasons this may not happen is first, we still live in a society where women earn less than men. Something that is no fault other than the inherent prejudice (in men) that still exists. Second, I (personally) like to go in for the romantic notion of chivalry and enjoy showing my love for someone by buying them things and paying for as much as I can. Yet that said, my partners have also have done this for me, they've taken me out, paid for everything and have been equally romantic back.
My point happylife is that you have a very fixed idea of the role of men and women. You've conceded that men and women do actually have the same needs, now I think you need to accept that perhaps you're definition of men and women is too over-simplified. I am not a "feminine" man, I am just more aware of the emotional part of my being and I know plenty of men who feel exactly the same as me. Men who do not display signs of having the same emotional needs do so because they are fulfilling a gender identity which, to be frank, is out of date. Only a few generations ago, men were conditioned to believe that even smiling was an inappropriate emotional response. Do you see how these gender roles have changed?
Happylife you are arguing a position within emotionology and to do this successfully, you need to go beyond your own experiences, and even your own culture and study people on a wider scale. The excerpts from the book you mention does raise some really interesting ideas, but, if you want to argue your case, in the way that you do in that "men want this" and "women want that" you really do need to back it up with more evidence rather than to resort to just your personal experiences.
You've shown how emotional roles of men and women -appear- to be, but I believe if you delve more deeply in to the subject, you'll see that how things appear, and how they actually are, are often quite different ;)
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (28 May 2006):
Hey Dr. Pete,
Both men and women may have the same emotional needs however, their order of priority is definitely not going to be ranked
the same way. Remember, I am not just listing men and women's emotional needs, but instead, I am listing men and women's most
essential needs, the top five to be exact. The kind that they usually don't want to do without.
Here is an example:
One of women's primary emotional needs is communication. It is very rare that you hear men say that their wives haven't been
talking to them as much as they used to. I personally have never heard a guy say "My wife just doesn't ask me how my day went
and all that I did each day and doesn't really just talk and listen to me when I tell her how I feel". This would typically
never be a men's complaint. However, I do hear women say this a lot, in fact, just yesterday a friend or mine was telling me
how her husband just has this very short attention span and doesn't really talk to her so attentively to show that he cares
about her.
Now this is not to say that men don't care about communication. However, it is definitely an indication that when it comes to
men and women, communication is an emotional need that does not rank equally.
Another example, women can normally do without sex in a marriage longer than men can. Obviously this shows that a men's
emotional need for sex ranks a lot higher than women's.
Here is another point, when men don't show affection to their wives, the wives appeal for sex also drops accordingly.
However, men never lose their appetite for sex as their wives show them less affection. Men can enjoy relationships with a
lot of sex and very little affection and the opposite (a lot of affection and very little sex) would most likely not please
men. However, if they had to choose between the two, most women would prefer a relationship with lots of affection and very
little sex. Again, this is not to say that affection is not important to men or that sex is not important to women, however, it is safe to conclude that they both rank very differently for men and women.
The same applies for the rest of the emotional needs. Take financial support for example, most man are happy to be the only
source of income in the family and women are also happier when their husbands make great income and are able to provide for
the whole family. It doesn't bother men when their wives can't find a good paying job or even just any job period (assuming
that the husband earns enough income to sustain the family). However, most women are disturbed when their husbands can't get
a job and decide to be a stay at home dad. Women don't usually like to be the ones to support the family, even when they make
over six figures. Financial support also ranks differently for men and women.
In conclusion Dr. Pete, you are right to say that men and women want the same things, however, they do not want them with the
same priority. A man's top five emotional needs are almost always not the same as a woman's, and sadly but true, this is quite often the source of most conflicts in marriages.
Thanks for your nice question.
Happylife,
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): You list men as requiring sexual fulfilment, recreational companionship, admiration, physical attraction and domestic support but is it not the case that women, generally, want these things too?You also list women’s needs as being affection, conversation, honesty, financial support and family commitment. Again, are you arguing that men don't want, or need, these things from women?Like I already argued, it seems, generally speaking, that both men and women want all the things you've listed. Perhaps, historically, it has been possible to argue the categorising of needs based on gender roles but these roles are socially manifested, they are by no means what a biological sex requires and needs to be happy. This has been shown by the link between an increase in personal freedom and the demise of traditional masculine/feminine gender roles.
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female
reader, Mother hen +, writes (28 May 2006):
dear ladyluckMaybe your boyfriend just needs some extra attention. Now that the baby is here, he may have lost his "hero" status with you, or he may feel that he has. Try and make yourself as attractive as you wish, and remember why you love him and where you admire him. If he feels that he is still your no:1 he may love you more for you and drop the superficial complaints. Good luck
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (28 May 2006):
Hey Dr. Pete, You asked me if I am trolling? What makes you ask me this? I'm assuming that you are using the word trolling to say that I'm kind of making an argument in circles. Can you be more specific? Give me an example of something I said that would describe me as trolling. Now to your question. Men and women may want the same things as far as a good living with good income, children and a sound family, good Christian and moral values and etc. However, men and women can want such same things but still have different emotional needs. In my opinion if you ever expect women to have the same emotional needs as you do, you might be in for a very rude awakening. However, there is always that possibility that you Dr. Pete may have the same emotional needs as women, thus, not realizing the difference. This although rare is a possibility. By the way, I'm not by any means using this example as an insult! I hope this answers your question. Mr. martini, I totally understand what you have described. Your reaction to your girl's demands illustrates how your emotional needs are different from hers. It is nice to know that you at least understand her essential need for strong communication. Nice article! Happy life
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): HOWEVER... TO ADDRESS THIS ISSUES with Ladyluck, I say you should lose your boyfriend, cuz he is an impeccable pile of an ungentleman's filthly soiled knickers. He should be ashamed of himself for putting you down, especially when you just gave birth to the child he fathered. Yes I am not standing down from my comments, which I believe are truthful, but the least he can do - THE LEAST, is not make you feel like that. What a damn it to hell bastard!
It's one thing to meet the basic 'essentials' of the needs and wants of a man and a woman, and it's another thing to be supportive, caring, considerate, compassionate, loving... When my ex and I were still together, she was growing some fat around her belly too, but my emotions for her got deeper and deeper, and I even thought down the road, if we have a kid together, the way I would look at her would be very different. Meaning, my love for her would extend further out. Yeah...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): Now for the male side of Happylife's comments...
In no particular order, as a man, I agree with all of them. Now before any females throw their heels at me for #4, I will tell you the reason. For example, if I happen to fall in love with a female, she will be physically attractive to me. I have never been with someone whom is not physically attractive to me. For example, my most recent ex is average in looks based on what society brands 'average' as. However, the more I realize my emotions for her, the deeper I fell for her, the more beautiful she became. In fact, she gained quite a few pounds since we first started. It's great that she always tells me she wants to go to the gym and get back to 110 pounds, but I always tell her that I don't mind that she's at 120. Of course, at 130+, it's a bit umm yeah... Remember, I want to be able to do sports with my partner aside from sex of course. 8] I want to be able to go hiking, camping, climbing, cycling, possibly boating and other stuff too. If she's not fit, she won't be able to do anything with me. Do I see myself climbing Mount Everest at age 50 with my partner? For sure! Do I see myself treking up and around Mount Baker on our bikes with my partner at age 60? I see it, but hopefully we can do it together! Do I see myself making awesome love to my partner at age 70? Probably not, but hey if we're still horny by then, sure... 8]
Honestly, having my partner admire me as a partner, as a companion, as a friend, as someone who works triple over-time to help support the family, would be much appreciated. Yeah it's a bit of an ego, but it's a founded ego. Just as I would respect and adore my gf/wife. Worship her as if she is a goddess inside an immaculate temple, loving her as much as I want to make love to her. Mind you, as with the thread about pleasuring your partner - it's exactly like that... 8]
I want my partner to be my partner in almost everything. So I believe that there is an interpretation difference in what Happylife may be saying versus what I have said here, versus what some people have been thinking he's saying...
What do you all think? I think this should belong in the forum... Oops... 8X
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): Haha! We're hijacking the thread! NICE!
I would like to take a more objective perspective here and address Happylife's comments.
I believe that in no particular order that those 5 'essentials' you have expressed for both men and women are quite accurate. However, that is to say, the basis of a 'normal' woman and a 'normal' man. I say "normal" as in the birth-nature of a female and a male.
Let's look at this from my personal experience. The women I have been with required someone to care about them, be considerate towards them, think about their feelings, their day to day, etc. Every single one of my past girlfriends either called me at least once a day or expected me to call them at least once a day. They will blabber on and on and on and on about something, and they expect you to listen and remember, which I do for sure, but even for the smallest things. Why? Cuz I've noticed that they constantly test their partners to see if they are paying attention to them.
Communication is a huge part. They want to know how you feel, why you're always stressed out, what you're thinking about when you're out there drinking alone, or when you're stirring in your sleep. For myself, I don't like to divulge every single little thing to my partner. Sometimes, I just want to deal with it on my own, but they get hurt that I don't share with them some of my thoughts.
Another thing that this branches out to is honesty. They think/feel that if you don't talk about your emotions, your thoughts, or problems, etc, then you're not being honest with them. MY GOSH! Sometimes the biggest 'lack of' issue is communication. If only they weren't overly sensitive about almost everything, then maybe for once they can see that when I am ready to communicate, I will. Not that I don't... I'm a bit abnormal in that sense... 8]
Now speaking of financial support - wow, I believe though a lot of women will deny this, especially the younger females, I believe that this is a big deal. Yeah, it's fantastic if you as a female fall in love with a guy and he's sweet, nice, caring, etc, etc, etc, and support him and yourself and your family for life, etc, etc, etc, but realistically, that ain't going to happen, unless of course, you're a bit 'abnormal' like me, who don't mind that much. 8]
Think about it - you and your partner want the freedom to expand your knowledge of the world. Reading books, going to movies, having a ski trip here and there is nice and all, but it's very limiting. Your partner (female) wants to go to Las Vegas, just for the long weekend, but you (male) are broke. She goes with her friends, while you're stuck here by yourself. As time goes on, you find that you just don't have the means to go anywhere with her. She comes back tells you that she saw something magnificient - the Aurora Borealis, or the Great Canyon, or the Ice Caves of Norway, etc, etc. You feel happy that she had the chance to experience that, but you also feel bad that you didn't do any of that with her.
On top of that, they will think about financial back-up. Sure, she can support you, but what if one day, she's out of a job? Let's say you two move out together, who's going to help pay for things? You two talk about marriage and having a family - who's going to help put the kid through university? OR THE BASIC necessities of raising a child?
Yeah, it's a nice idea that you can fall in love and that's that, but realistically, having a relationship without financial stability is a big no go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): Haha happylife, are you trolling? :)
A question for you: Is it not true -generally speaking- that men and women want, and need, the same things from a relationship?
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (28 May 2006):
Willywombat,
I really have nothing against you. In fact, people like you who take the time to participate in this debate help educate others on the various types of personalities that men and women share. Therefore, before proceeding, I want to applaud you for continuing to express your thoughts.
Now, I have to say that all your eight brothers and your husband have unanimously told you a lie about sexual fulfillment not being first on their list. Therefore, I’m going to put these emotional needs in a form of a question and I want you to ask them this question exactly the way I’ll write it down for you. Now don’t change any of the wordings, just ask them this question the exact way that it appears below:
If your wife could only meet one of the following emotional needs for the rest of your marriage, which would you prefer she met??? PICK ONLY ONE!
A. Sexual fulfillment
B. Recreational Companionship
C. Admiration
D. Physical Attraction (An Attractive Spouse)
E. Domestic Support
OK Willywombat, if you write me back and tell me that at least one of your eight brothers or your husband selected options (B through E), meaning that he is willing to sacrifice sex for the rest of his marriage in exchange for any option (B through E), I will have to just declare you the winner of this topic and I will truly believe that my understanding of men is really screwed up!
I would like to hear from the men that would sacrifice having sex for the rest of their marriage before they would sacrifice any of the options (B through E).
I’ll be waiting for your response Willywombat, here is your chance to really blow my mind.
Happylife
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (27 May 2006):
They read YOUR post numbnuts and they didn't agree with what YOU said. Neither does my husband. Not a one of them would put sexual fulfilment as their number one. Might it be YOU are the odd one? Might it be that you are actually slightly sexually obsessed? Now why would you find it so strange I wonder that other men don't agree with you?
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (27 May 2006):
Ok ladyluck,
You’ve gotten a lot of interesting answers here. I totally recommend you read this book because I’ve read it and I know that it so addresses your situation. Don’t worry about the fact that Wendyg doesn’t think this book is worth reading; she just admitted that she has never read the book, in fact in her own words she said “I havent got a clue whats in the book”. The writer of this book has counseled thousands of couples facing your exact situation and he shares all his proven solutions in his book. Neither I nor (I believe) any of the people giving you advice on this matter have counseled that many people facing your exact situation. This is why I recommend you really read his book. It is definitely a book that was written for people like you and I.
By the way, don’t feel bad about reading a book for relationship advice. Wendyg is just so lucky and blessed that in her life she never had to turn to books for advice. Most of us aren’t that lucky though! In my case, reading books helped save my relationship and today I can honestly say that I have a very happy relationship and a happy life in general hence the name happylife. I was once overweight and so out of shape from bad diet and the lack of exercise. In 1998 I made the commitment that I would change that for the rest of my life. Since then I have remained very athletic and although not professionally, I’ve been into bodybuilding. After being in your shoes before, I can only offer you what worked best for me and so I recommend to you the book that got me started – His Needs Her Needs.
Dear Willywombat, I talked about FIVE essential emotional needs of men and here they are again:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. Admiration
4. Physical Attraction (An Attractive Spouse)
5. Domestic Support
but Willywombat, you said “Happylife, it would appear (according to you) that all men are interested in is sexual fulfillment”. – Hummmm, I can understand why your brothers didn’t think so either!
Good luck ladyluck and remember, I’m in your corner!
Happylife
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (27 May 2006):
To be quite honest happylife I aint getting into no debate with you, I havent got a clue whats in the book, all I know is that from what YOU wrote it sounded that woman are there to service man, You dont need to debate here if you really want to do that do it in the forum, and dont go trying to slur me and my relationships, fyi information I live with a wonderfully considerate affectionate caring partner that goes out on a limb for me and I for him, and always have done, we are all those things you mention but equally... I dont need any book to tell me how I need to behave or what to expect from him. The part I was referring to was that in that book men expect from woman sexual fulfilment, well its actually a two way street.. as is everything in a relationship, you both have to work it! All you were trying to do was tell this girl that so what if her man thinks shes fat, its her duty to be thin for him! More to life than being fat or thin, and relationships are not based on the size you are! All you wanted to do was start yet another sad debate. Here beith the end... If you want a debate please use the forum.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (27 May 2006):
Happylife, it would appear (according to you) that all men are interested in is sexual fulfillment. as a sister to 5 brothers and with a further 3 step brothers I have asked them whjat they thought of your post. And do you know, not a one of them agreed with you......mmmm, starnge that isn't it?
By the way are YOU actually the author of the book? Do you have some vested monetary interest in *upping* sales?
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reader, happylife +, writes (27 May 2006):
Dear Wendyg,
Ok, here is exactly what Wendyg, is saying when she tells us that the book “His Needs Her Needs” is a load of tosh.
She is saying that it is not true that women need a man that is affectionate, communicative, attentive, family oriented, financially supportive, and honest. All Dr. Willard Howard Jr. does in this book is explain the important emotional needs of men and women. So if Wendyg can seriously say that this book is a load of tosh then I have to say that she is the exception in the planet. I am yet to meet a woman who did not want an honest, affectionate, communicative, attentive, family oriented and financially supportive man.
Wendyg, I’m really wondering what kind of men you have. Does he not do any of the above???
Also, I am worried about the way you treat men. Dr. Howard says that in a relationship men are looking for sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, admiration, physical attraction, domestic support. For you to call this a load of tosh means that you are not willing to give your man any of the above either. Wow Wendyg, are you sure you’ve read this book?
By the way, you said that life is not what we read in books. Should your man therefore refuse to meet your emotional needs simply because a book says that a man should learn to meet his wife’s emotional needs? You know the Bible is a book. Should we therefore ignore the principles taught in the Bible simply because the Bible is a book??? What do you mean by life is not what we read in books????
Concerned for you,
Happylife,
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2006): Your boyfriend should really be supporting you in helping you tone up, it's something you should do together, like I'm sure his body isn't perfect either?
Someone should tell him that if he keeps acting the way he is acting, it's more likely your attention will end up going towards someone else who likes you for who you are, curves and all.
You say things like he won't take you on holiday because he is ashamed of how you look, seriously anonymous, that is just really shameful behaviour that most people just wouldn't stand for! Quite clearly he has been acting this way for some time, because otherwise what he is doing would bother you much more.
If this was just a case of a boyfriend wanting her girlfriend to tone up, I'd say great, you could get fit together, but the way he is treating you is really pretty bad.
Because you have a child together, I think you should do as much as you can to try and sort this relationship out, stand your ground and tell him everything you are unhappy about. If he doesn't take your feelings seriously, at least you can leave knowing you tried to make the relationship work.
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (26 May 2006):
Sorry, but I got to number 1 on this his needs her needs thing on the men section and really wanted to punch the screen... Happy life.... Life is not what we read in books, we are all different and we all feel different about so many things... that book if you ask me is a load of tosh and I certainly wont be reading it. its not like me to get on the back of a discussion like this, but I suggest that if you do want a debate as such that you use the forums and not the advice column. Whats more I dont really think anything that you wrote was constructive and helped the person that has raised the question. However, several others did, and I tend to agree, that its not what the skin looks like its whats underneath!! We cant all be skinny, and attracted to the same sorts of people, and we all have different points of view. But to Ladyluck, gosh girl size 10 is pretty below average these days, a jelly belly so what, thats because the muscles in your tummy have become relaxed after childbirth, i would love to see any man go through that!... If your man is putting you through all this get out while you still can, you sound wonderful and kind and deserve better than how you are being treated.
Take care x x
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reader, willywombat +, writes (26 May 2006):
Oh look happylife is trying to start the male/female debate here as well. What a surprise!
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (26 May 2006):
Dear ladyluck,
First of all, lets address the question. “Lose weight or my boyfriend”. Lets be sure to understand that all my advise is pertaining to the question above. I am not discussing anything about the fact that your boyfriend cheated on you or whether or not he harms you physically. I am only addressing the question of “Lose weight or my boyfriend” based on your boyfriend being dissatisfied with the way you look now. As far as he cheating on you, I have not and am not telling you what to do about that.
Secondly I want to make sure you understand exactly what willywombat’s advise means. She is saying that it is ok for you to refuse to meet your boyfriend’s emotional needs and expect that he will meet your emotional needs. The same way you feel when he resents you is the same way he feels when you don’t take care of your body. When you both met and started dating you looked much different just like he treated you much differently. Now you have totally changed your appearance but you expect that he will stay the same. Ladies, this is such a double standard. It is not ok for you to not take care of yourselves and gain weight and not do anything about it, just like it is not ok for us to quit being the loving, caring, affectionate, honest, communicative, supportive and family oriented men that you once fell in love with.
When you get pregnant it is natural that you will gain a lot of weight. However, this is no excuse to stop carrying about yourself. My sister looked like a Barbie doll before she had her baby. After her baby was born she went back in the gym to lose the almost 100 pounds that she had gained during her pregnancy. Today, she is very close to the size she used to be. I call that carrying about yourself and it is a very attractive quality.
Most women think that a grown up men won’t care about the way their wives look. They believe that a mature man won’t put any importance on looks. This could not be farther from the truth. Truth is most men do care but a lot of them will keep their mouth shut. They fear that their wives won’t be able to handle the truth and so they leave it all unsaid. However, just because most men don’t talk about it doesn’t mean that the problem is fixed. A lot of woman who gain a lot of weight during their marriage also face a decrease in affection, attention, support, romance from their husbands.
In my opinion, you have yourself an honest man. If he is brave enough to tell you how he feels about you then he is definitely a good men in that regard. Most dogs would have left you and just made up a reason but never actually told you why. Your boyfriend on the other hand seams to be a good communicator.
You don’t have to lose weight, however, if you want to meet his emotional need you are going to have to. In return, he too will meet your emotional need. It will work like magic, I promise.
From the men in your corner,
Happylife.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (25 May 2006):
Right ok honey I am going to tell you not to read the regurgitated *self-help-book* stuff written by happy life with a couple of comments. You do not have to COMPRIMISE to meet HIS emotional needs and you do not have to be ashamed of having a jelly belly after bearing his child.
You child's father is treating you terribly. You have given your all in a relationship and this has been one sided. In the eyes of anybody with a sense of fair play you should be urged to get out. Do not deny the father access to his child - ensure he can continue to be a good father. But as you said yourslef *you have had itchy feet*. Get out. Think it thru and make a rational decision. You probably will end up full of resentment and hatred for him if you continue to drift along in this verbally abusive relationship. Why should you be made to feel ashamed of *chubby* bits of your body? Nobody ahs the perfect body - ven models are airbrushed! To say he will not take you on holiday because you cannot wear a bikini is beyond humiliating. Do you want to be with a BOY who values you so little. I say boy because no true man would treat the mother of his child so shamefully.
Seek help from family and then leave this guy. Give him the oppotunity to continue to be a dad, but you get out of this damaging relationship before he kills your self esteem stone dead.
xxx
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (25 May 2006):
Ok ladies, this is happylife again. You all had very interesting articles on this site. Now lets talk a little about emotional needs and their importance. Again, I recommend that you all read the book "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. before you will ever understand this topic in depth. But here it is in a nutshell and please keep your minds very receptive while reading this: Men and women have at least five emotional needs that have to be met by their spouses in a relationship. Namely: Women 1. Affection 2. Conversation 3. Honesty 4. Financial Support 5. Family Commitment Men1. Sexual fulfillment2. Recreational Companionship3. Admiration4. Physical Attraction (An Attractive Spouse)5. Domestic SupportThe above emotional needs may vary a little per person however, you can definitely expect to find these emotional needs to be important to most men and women. Even though men and women have different emotional needs, all the needs are equally important to either sex. For example, affection is as important to a woman as sexual fulfillment is to a men and recreational companionship is just as important to a man as conversation is to a woman. Ignoring any of these emotional needs can be devastating to both sexes. To ask a man to ignore a woman’s physical attraction and just love her for who she is, is the same as a man asking a woman to not care about the fact that he does not give her any affection or conversation and to just keep loving him for who he is. Ladies, if you and I were married and I never conversed with you or gave you any affection or honesty, could you still love me for who I am? I’ll bet that you would say NO! Now, I understand that to most women the idea of physical attraction ranking as high on the important list of emotional needs as honesty or affection or conversation or family commitment is just ridiculous. However, take it from me (a man), affection and conversation used to sound just as ridiculous to me as physical attraction is to most woman. However, instead of trying to convince women that their emotional needs were not so important (simply because they were not my emotional needs), I chose to compromise. I learned to recognize that all the emotional needs women have are just as important to them as the emotional needs that I have. If we were to turn the tables around, women too need to realize that men don’t choose to be attracted to good looking women just like women don’t choose to be attracted to a man who is very affectionate, gives them attention and is honest. We all have emotional needs and they have to be met in order for us to be content in our relationship. So ladyluck, you will have to decide if you are willing to compromise and meet his emotional need that is currently going unmet ro not. If you are not willing to do this then you have to be prepared to lose him. Keep in mind though, most men in the planet have the emotional need for physical attraction especially when they are still young (under 35 years old), even when they are not good looking themselves. In my opinion, it is much easier for you to lose weight and become very good looking and have a happy boyfriend, than it is for you to find a decent good looking man who won’t care about the way you look.The choice is yours but his emotional need has to be met and so do most men’s.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (20 May 2006):
 You don't sound like you are having a 'happy life' at all. What's more, children pick up on this and since parents are role models it doesn't sound like your man is being a good role model to his child on how to judge people for their personality as well as their looks. Everyone puts on weight after a baby - that is normal, and it can be hard to lose. If you lose the weight, then do it for you not him. Basically he is using the weight as an excuse for not doing things like holidays with you, and if it wasn't that it would be something else. It is not just about you; he is denying his own child happiness too. I bet he doesn't have a perfect body! He just sounds mean and manipulative and a user. None of this is your fault exactly but if you just sit back and accept his cheating, his abusive comments etc then things will carry on as they are. It takes a stronger woman to walk away. You shouldnt feel negative about the whole separation thing as you have a wonderful child from that relationship. However it doesn't sound like he is particularly mature or a fun person to be around. Don't stay for the sake of your child because s/he will just grow up thinking this sort of relationship between adults is normal and clearly it is not. You sound like a lovely, patient person (and frankly many women would be delighted to wake up a size 10!), so love yourself the way you are and ditch the loser.
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (20 May 2006):
 You said: In the past 6 months people have been complimenting me and stuff and i think there might be more to life than him,
and I couldn't agree with you more. Since when has your fella adopted the role of the sun and everything revolves around him? Who on earth does he think he is to treat the motherof his child with utter disrespect? My friend, I appreciate you have a kid together but what sort of man destroys your confidence and makes you feel inadequate? If you are happy with your weight and you are healthy, you ought to be happy. Dont lose weight purely for his benefit. My friend, you have to be happy in a relationship otherwise what is the point? Good luck xXx
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 May 2006):
 Sounds like your partner hasn't "grown up" as much as you want to think he has. If he's holding out on a family holiday because of a couple of extra kilos, then he's too fixated on your looks, and doesn't really care much about the person you actually ARE. That's a classic he-needs-to-grow-up scenario.
Lots of people would suggest to you that you lose the extra weight "so he'll love you again", but that's a really superficial answer. If he only loves your looks, then what's going to keep him around when you're 44, with drooping boobs and greying hair? Sure, men like to look a beautiful bodies -- that's a given -- but I'm sure that your guy isn't as flawless as Adonis, so what gives him carte blanche to pass judgements on your imperfections? Besides, if he loves you as a person, he should be willing to see the beauty inside as well, not just the appearance outside.
My suggestion is that you take up walking. Go with your child, either walking alongside you, or in a stroller, if necessary. Make an hour a day to be with your kid and to get some exercise. Cut out the snacks and desserts (set yourself a realistic goal, like 6 weeks) and you'll find that you'll lose weight slowly and gradually, just the way you gained it.
Once the jelly-belly isn't a point of contention any more, you're in a position to decide whether you want to stay with someone as shallow as your boyfriend appears to be, whether you want to look further afield, or -- just as valid -- whether you want to enjoy your life without the stress of a partner for a while.
The very fact that you and your boyfriend got together when you were both young makes it practically inevitable that you're going to develop into different people, with less in common than you once had, anyway. Relationships that start in a person's teen years have only a fraction of the success of relationships that start later.
I wouldn't necessarily say "Get Rid" right now, but you shouldn't feel locked into sharing your life with someone who'd make you feel worthless over a few extra kilos, simply because he fathered your child. Your child can have all the contact he/she wants with your boyfriend, without you having to be the other partner!
Remember that you can't be a great parent until you're a happy person!
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female
reader, southernbabe +, writes (20 May 2006):
Just wanted to say "happylife" is crazy. Your relationship should be based on more than looks--if it isn't, then it was doomed to begin with. Your loverboy needs to grow up and learn the meaning of real love. Sounds like he's the type to lose interest if you change your hairstyle.
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (19 May 2006):
Well your question has two sides to it. First, the fact that you have gained wheight causes you to be less attractive in his eyes, thus unfulfilling one of his emotional needs (attraction). Secondly, the fact that he is less attracted to you causes him to be less affectionate to you, thus making you feel like you are only good for sex in closed doors and services but not a good companion that he is willing to love.
So here is my best reccomendation: Learn to understan how important attraction is to most men and how it can completely affect your relationship. Be sure to buy a copy of the book "His Needs Her Needs" -- By Willard Howard Jr. Be sure to read the chapter on attraction, but also read the entire book.
Also, find a way to become more attractive: Lose wheight and get fit and do all that it takes to look your best because chances are that your next boyfriend will also have the same emotional need for attraction.
There is too much to say that could so answer your question. However, the book that I've just recommended to you will really open your eyes to what is really happening in your life right now and I'm sure you'll soon be a different person.
Let me know how it all goes,
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