A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is weird, but I want to get some advice.I want to change some personality traits of mine that do nothing but bring me down and take away opportunities for a better life, but they deal with fighting my nerves and anger. -I hold grudges -I'm terrified of public embarrassmentThese issues are my biggest life barriers. They hold me back and I'm tired of it. But they're just so difficult to overcome.Currently I'm dealing with the first issue. I had a friend that I was pretty close with, but she's slowly drifting from me and she doesn't seem to even notice. I've been very hurt by it, but I know she's not even doing anything wrong. The thing is, we hung out kind of a lot. Nothing extreme, just I saw her a couple times a week and we'd eat dinner or hang out etc. However, suddenly she befriended a guy (he's gay so it's not like a boyfriend)and now he's the one she hangs out with all the time. They're basically best friends now. And our couple times a week turned into more like once a month. I'm happy for her, and he's a nice and funny guy, but I'm just hurt by how easily she just dropped contact with me. We never text, she walks right past me in the cafeteria now without even saying hi or anything. But if me and my other friend sit with her at lunch she acts like we're all fine and dandy. It's like she doesn't even realize that we hardly see each other anymore. Do I just accept that we're not the close friends we once were? Because I don't think I could tell her to her face what's bothering me since she doesn't seem to realize anything has even happened. But things are so awkward now. I feel like she's a stranger to me now. Before I could hang out one on one with her, but now I'd be really uncomfortable. I just don't know what to do. I just want to let go of it. But I'm sure if you've held grudges, you know how hard they are to let go.Secondly, I'm terribly shy and most of the time I'm afraid to do things outside of my comfort zone. When meeting people for the first time and talking to them, I get a nervous. I'm happy that they're interested in talking to me, but things sound too stiff from me and I look down a lot because I hate eye contact. I don't know why sometimes I can talk with people and other times I just freeze up. For instance, I'm in college and I had to give a presentation the other day. Now back in high school I often aced speeches and was even on a speech team. Yet this was my first college speech. I knew my material and was prepared to speak, however when I went up there my leg started twitching uncontrollably. Luckily I was behind a table and desk podium set up, and I was able to deliver the speech without forgetting anything or having a shaky voice but I could not stop my leg from twitching/shaking. If I got that nervous from a school presentation, what's going to happen when I actually meet a guy and get nervous? Would if a nervous tick occurs just like it did during the speech I'm absolutely terrified of being embarrassed and hate the idea of anyone judging me with negative thoughts which is why I try so hard to be as nice as I can be.I guess I'm just asking for any natural life advice. Dealing with anger and overcoming nerves.Thanks for any advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): The only thing I would add to the excellent advice given here is to be wary of the idea of 'unconditional' friendship. I suffered terribly for years due to shyness and feelings of gross inadequacy and I made the mistake of taking the advice given to just be more open and more accepting of everyone I met and to think in terms of what I could give to a friendship, instead of what I could receive.What I failed to see was that I was actually already a very giving person and very kind, but because of lack of friendships I went overboard and tried to offer unconditional friendship to everyone - I subsequently encountered a huge amount of problems with very, very needy and selfish people and was, until recently actually, subjected to a huge amount of manipulation and guilt tripping if I did not 'carry' others and their needs. I feared rejection terribly, and it allowed people to have a hold on me.So what I am saying is I personally DO NOT ever now give unconditional friendship. Conditions in friendship are, I think, absolutely necessary - they are friendships, not marriages, not soul-bondings. It doesn't mean you are a selfish or nasty person if you think of friendships in that way. So sure, don't hold a grudge over your friend, but also recognise that what she did is a little bit shitty and, if she comes back to you, be assertive but not angry about saying that you felt upset about how she behaved. Don't expect everyone to be your best friend and never leave you, but you can be assertive about refusing to be treated as disposable.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 I think your two problems are strictly related . You hold grudges toward your ex best friend precisely because you have such a hard time connecting with new people and making new friends, so you latch on deeply to anybody you can have this connection and when it loosens it feels like a big irreparable loss. Otherwise , people would be a little more " disposable " for you and you'd sort of feel that when a door closes, another one or more may open up any time.
Within reason, of course. I'd be the first to be shocked if my best friend suddenly decided to ignore me after we have been best friend since about 40 years. But, not everybody you meet , even if you get along well, will be your best friend or soulmate, some will just ebb and flow in your life, some will be transitional and very good for a stage in your life and not so for others, some you'll see them for what they are and what they can give, i.e. more pleasant acquantances to spend some time with than real , forever best friends.
A person who has no particular social challenges will be Ok with that, and will take it with philosophy. A shy person who maybe struggled so hard to make that ONE connection will feel a temporary or permanent cooling off like a big , big misfortune.
Then, there's this thing about shyness... I am sure that what I say won't make me very popular among shy people.... so, on one hand, having had a very shy husband and a very shy son, I " get " shyness, I realize how life is much more challenging and complicated for a shy person , how they have to sweat it for simple stuff which for other people is no big deal, like asking for directions to a stranger or walking alone into a party etc. On the other end, geez, how much of that is about an overwown, hypertrophicic ego.!For a shy person it is always all about him or her. They are constantly navel gazing and thinking of the effect they'll have on others, like if this is what life is about. " Do I look fat in these leggings ?, everybody will look at my fat butt " " What if I mispronounce this word, everybody will notice and think that I am dumb " " " If I go to the movies alone, people will think that I am a loser who can't ever find a date ". Newsflash : We don't think. We don't notice. We don't care. It is not all about you you you. We've got other stuff to think about, we have got our own stuff to deal with, bills and mortgages, our happy and unhappy love stories, our joys and sorrows. Yes if you mispronounce something I can notice, but imagine if a year later I'll still remember ! Yes, occasionally you can be the butt of a harsh comment or a witticism, so what, you do the same with others , don't tell me that you never critiqued anybody, you just found faults with your ex best friend 's behaviour in this post, that does not mean you hate her or find her horrible.
Another thing is, that shy people seem to me to be spiritually ingenerous toward other people: they assume that the world is a spiteful , malicious place where EVERYBODY will be on their ( the shy people's ) case if they act less than perfect, like if they blush or stutter or something. You assume that if you are not beautifuk and elegant and socially smooth etc.etc. everybody will file you under waste of space and nobody will deem you worthy of love , friendship or attention.
That's a very ingenerous, predjudiced attitude on your side. It's like you are saying " all the world is going to be shallow, superficial, and mean spirited ", how do you know that ?! Personally, I have got good friends who stammer, or who are overweight or are not exactly overachievers or have any number of human imperfections, you don't have to be PERFECT or superior to enter my world, and I am actually not that of a sweet , nice type , lol !, imagine if I were really a nice person.
So, on one end I realize you have a big problem to contend with and it's not you who created it but you are probably mostly reacting to upbringing or life circumstances ( although, shyness is in part just genetic ) , on the other hand my blunt advice to handle this problem is : start with taking your head off your butt, and have a look around beyond the "I" sphere.
It my sound irrelevant or countrintuitive, but one thing that can help is starting with stopping living so much inside your head and devote your attention to something outside. Volunteer. Help out at some non profit organization. Campaign for some cause. Cultivate a talent, start an art project, raise a pet or plant a garden. What's this got to do with shyness ? A lot more than you think, you need to shift your focus somewhere else, not just on " oh my what people will think about ME ".
On a more practical level, meditation and hypnosis ( including self hypnosis , which you can learn from a book ) will help a lot to manage your physical unwanted reactions, like twitches or tremblings or whatnot. PNL helps too.
In general, of course, I guess it would benefit you to talk about your issues with a counselor, or actually to start a serious work with a therapist for your social anxiety, but I realize that it maybe time consuming and EXPENSIVE and maybe now you could not do it even if you wanted. There are though lots of self help books, about social anxiety , lack of self esteem, and poor self image, I am not saying that they all are silver bullets, some are actually rather crappy, but it never hurts to read and know about your issues, and maybe you can find in a book ,if not a magic trick to change instantly, some suggestion or insight or technique or exercise, some nugget of wisdon that resonates with you and that you can apply in your daily life.
You can make changes in everything, a luttle step at the time. Including your mindset, behaviour and attitudes. The important thing is that you WANT to change.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 I have been shy my whole life, always not felt quite good enough, always stood in the shadows because it was easier than exposing myself or pushing myself foward. It was really hard when I was younger because so much is based on popularity and making friends and when you feel like you don't have much to offer, it makes you paranoid that others don't like you and people tend to stay away from you
I don't think there is a cure for actually being shy but things do get easier as you get older and more comfortable with yourself. You have to learn to accept yourself and say 'I am good enough' even if only in your own company, you need to accept that being shy is not a crime, neither is anger, unless you hurt someone else.
It's OK to be disappointed if a friend goes off you and it's hard to see things from their side. She might be unaware that she is making you feel bad, so sometimes a calm word to let her know you miss her friendship is better than blaming yourself, getting angry and frustrated...you miss her friendship, it's understandable to be upset and justified too.
All humans have limitations and you cannot be everything to everybody and you cannot sacrifice yourself just to fit in with others. If you knew the truth, you'd know that everyone on the planet has some or other insecurity about something...we all have our hangups.
You don't have to change, because being shy isn't a bad thing, you just need to recognise that it's a special part of you that might make you more observant and perceptive (as shy people tend to say less and listen more).
Being shy makes you more aware of what is going on around you and makes you more understanding of other peoples problems. Shy people don't push their own agenda at the cost of other people, they are often kinder and more thoughtful, so you can feel glad that being shy opens up all these wonderful qualities once you set aside the frustrations you feel.
Anger is often fuelled by frustration at not being able to have our say and shy people find it much more difficult to speak out, but with a little thought and focussing on your strengths you will find a way to communicate and it's always better to do it in an undemanding and calm fashion.
Throughout my life I have become articulate in listening and speaking. I work in health and have to give talks and presentations at times and the nerves still get to me but I try to detach myself from the information I am passing on, just so I can convey what I need to without making it 'about me'
You will find coping mechanisms, although the shyness may also remain but allowing yourself to be aware of the good things shyness brings can lessen your anger.
Be yourself, but be a kinder self and a more understanding and gentler self, let conflict not stick to you, accept that most people have flaws and you cannot contest them all.
It is a shame that your friend has passed you up, but stay calm and remain friendly, let her know that your friendship is unconditional and she can return if she wants...because that's what you want and need.
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