A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling a bit confused right now regarding my boyfriend, who I am in a long distance relationship with, and his feelings for me. He has been very preoccupied and busy with work lately, but I keep thinking he is making excuses not to spend time with me. I can be very paranoid/neurotic and last time he wasn’t contacting me much I thought he wanted out of the relationship but it just turned out he was really busy running the business and work and putting in extra hours. It is strange that he will make plans for us months in advance yet in the meantime I will hardly see him. Does that make sense? It’s like he is serious about me but he isn’t and that is why I am so confused. If I suggest ways of spending more time together most of the time he will decline. It is like he wants to be control. I do like a man who takes control, but it is making it very hard for me to have a relationship with him. He doesn’t seem to be able to relax with me and most of the time seems serious. I want us to be having fun and bringing out the humour in one another but he seems depressed. I asked him if he wanted to stay over tomorrow night and he said he couldn’t because he had a sports match on (yet I have never known there be one on a Sunday). Now I am not sure if his avoidance of spending the night with me stems from the fact that when we have tried to have sex it has been extremely painful for me so he avoids situations where we could become intimate. The last time we tried to have sex I screamed in pain. He was very understanding and loving at the time, but now he seems to be avoiding it. It has been 3 months since we have had sex. I am very surprised that he could go that long without wanting sex. My mind is running riot thinking that maybe he is getting it elsewhere!Last week I saw him for 2 hours after having not seen him for 3 weeks due to his work. Tomorrow I will see him for about 4 hours before he has to get back to his sports match. He said it is just a really busy period in his life and things will get better, but I have got to the point where I feel we aren’t having a relationship anymore. He doesn’t realise I am feeling so bad about this. The reason I haven’t said anything is that I don’t want to be spending what little time we do get together to be heavy. In his defence he has been travelling long distances to see me even if it is for a few hours, but I worry that if we don’t start making the effort to see each other more often then the relationship will fail.
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male
reader, jay12toes  +, writes (8 June 2008):
 well for starters, long distance relationships have a hard time of working out... sad but true. whats going on in your life? would it be possible to make it less of a distance? how long have you been together? mabey you should move in with him. if you lived with him you would have a better understanding of whats going on in his life, he wouldnt have to drive 50 miles to see you, and you would be spending a lot more time together. if thats not an option then im afriad you have to talk to him about how you feel and what your afraid of. good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): I have empathy with you. I havr heard similar stories so often, it is never easy, and there is always a lot of doubt and confusion.(Long distance relationships are often complicated).
I cannot give you the answers, however I merely suggest that when next you are with this guy, you explain to him how you feel; I know, and understand this will not be easy but if you have any hopes in making a success of this relationship you will have to practice honest communication.
I do believe, if he cares enough he will appreciate your honesty and value and appreciate your feelings and that might improve your bonding;
yet, if not,; it will give you a very clear picture of this guy and what the relationship means to him;
I suggest that you then have to reconsider the relationship.
I understand that your time together is very ittle, but you will have to take advantage of that for once, to path your future.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
male
reader, greenman +, writes (7 June 2008):
Hi
It sounds like it is him who not making the effort, not you !BACK OFF, stop chasing! and see how he reacts. I don't mean be nasty or anything just pull away slowly & don't call him for a while. be warned, you will need nerves of steel to do this. Tell him about what you have been doing, like going out with your friends,act upbeat but not too obvious. When you are a bit mysterious you may see a change in his attitude If not, then you'll know
Good luck
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