A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in urgent need of 100% honest advice. I don't have much time so this is why I'm reaching out. Just for the sake of imagination I'm blond, female in mid 30s slim build, cute, look much younger than I am. Here's my situation.. I've been living with a man who's older than my own father. This man whom I'll refer to as Barry (isn't the least bit rich like most would quickly jump to assume) persued me over a year ago until I was finally smitten by his interest in me. (I did end up loving him but never fell in love with him) Everything happened so quickly after that, he pleaded with me to move in with him and I did and a few months later he asked me to be his wife and I agreed!!! We are engaged to this day but never talk about a wedding. I was very happy at first like most couples but over time I slowly began to regret my decissions and I've thought about leaving often. You see I've learned something through the many fights Barry and I have had and I truly believe we are both together for our own selfish reasons. He knows I can't afford to leave him and I know the last thing he wants is to go through the whole finding a younger female companion again. He's happy with what he has and I say that literally because it's Barrys world (hypothetically speaking) and he picked me be in it. I always feel responsible for being what he wants when he wants it and responcible for his happieness. I'm often scolded for doing anything that doesn't involve him. Barry will even say nasty things and go into a mood if I'm not in the same room with him.I've become so unhappy with my situation and even depressed, to a point I feel helpless and stuck. I know most people would just say then get a job and get out if your so unhappy, Id say the same thing to someone else in my position but I realize it's easier said than done. I honestly don't know where to start. I have car insurance and health insurance bills even medical bills I can't afford which Barry has been paying for. Nothing is for nothing because I take care of Barry, I keep the house clean, make his meals, do his laundry and ironing plus many other things. Ok so now the urgent advice.. Before ever meeting Barry, A guy my own age i'll call Alec whom I dated for over a year was my everything. We stay in touch often via text and email. It's always harmless gossip and jokes that we share. Nothing more. I never stopped thinking about him and how in love we were but I would never tell Alec how I felt instead Ive accepted the fact that he's the one true love I let slip through my fingers. It was my own fault it ended. Moving on.. Out of the blue Alec surprised me yesterday with a text inviting me to go away for a free weekend to a place Alec and I visited twice while we were dating and both times we had the most amazing laughs while there. God knows I could do with a few laughs. The thing is I really want to go and have fun and even chance the opportunity to feel real passion again but I've asked the advice of my friends and those who dont know how unhappy i am say it's wrong to even consider it while those who know my current situation say I should leave Barry first.Well the trip is just 5 short days away so leaving Barry before then is next to impossible besides I can't assume Alec is looking for a relationship and I certainly don't want to depend on anyone else ever again so i'll settle for a short spell of happieness instead. Thing is.. Alec knows I'm sharing the home of an older man but I don't think he knows just how unhappy i am with my life. But then there's Barry who likes to be the "detective" and always wants to know everything such as who called me, who am I emailing, what's the name of your Gyno again, is he male or female.... That's a tiny sample of Barrys obsessive behavior. I did forget to mention Barry is extremely obsessive over me and jealous too plus for the last 6 months he's had really terrible mood swings. I need to give Alec my answer on whether or not I'll go and soon. I want to say yes but i'm lost for an excuse to give to Barry and even what lengths he would go to to check out my story. if I told him I'm going away for a few days he will certainly interigate me no matter what I say. By the way his "interigations" happen to be the only times he asks me anything about myself. All I want/need are a few days away from someone who never let's me out of their sight. Barry and I are helping eachother survive in a sence but I dont want to marry this man because in my heart it wouldn't be fair to me where as Barry would be willing to settle for what he's got. I want to give Alec some kind of reason as to why its so dificult for me to say yes to his invite but If I confess everything to Alec I risk sounding like I want a commitment from him as well as comeing off as desperate and needy when all i want is to enjoy his company if I deside to take him up on his offer, and when we return we can still be friends. I am so afraid of what to say cause the last thing I would want is to lose him forever even as a friend just because I said the wrong thing. I'd never forgive myself for not choosing my words more carefully. I'd rather say nothing and just go and have fun but Alec is already probably wondering why I haven't given him a yes or no. I don't know how to handle this or what to tell him alone. Getting away from Barry for 3 days may give me time to think about my life with and what I can do to be happy again, Barry is so tired and grumpy most of the time and as long as living in that kind of enviroment I will continue to feel more and more depressed untill I reach a point of total hopelessness which is very possible. How can I explain to Alec what it is that's keeping me from saying yes to his invite. Mentally I've already decided yes but Alec deserves an answer and an explaination but what should I tell him. Please help me... any answer can change my life for the better or worse. How do tell Alec yes I want to go more than anything but also why it's hard for me to get away without scaring him off forever? Please help me.
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depressed, engaged, fell in love, jealous, my ex, older man, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (15 October 2010):
Your question seems like a very dressed up story on whether or not you should cheat on your fiance.
Stop making excuses for yourself and Barry. You're obviously not right for each other and give him some more credit - i'm sure he will eventually do just fine without you, as you will without him.
It sounds like you need to sort out this relationship first and then see about spending more time with Alec.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): So lets get this straight, you want to try out your relationship with "Alec" but don't know if he wants anything more than a fling with you, therefore you don't want to end your relationship with "Barry". Its women like you that are the reason I tell my son to never get married or even live with a woman. You are using Barry as a back up plan in case your new love interest doesn't work out. If you don't love Barry and you want to f**k Alec, then leave Barry.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 From your post, the first very obvious thing is that you need to leave Barry. I can't say I know how you will do it, but it's clear that's what you need to do.
As to Alec, he might be a very nice man but he is asking you out, not exactly to go to church, and you're supposed to be an unavailable woman. Maybe he has sensed what your situation is. Or, he hasn't, but wants a weekend with you. Question: are you willing to take that chance? If I understood correctly, you can't afford to leave Barry just now. Why go with Alec? It's obviously not in your best interest.
You may be too close to see, but, from this side of the screen, it's very clear what you have to do: NOT go with Alec, and leave Barry.
Since you and Alec are in contact, would it be impossible to say something like "Hey, you know I can't leave the man for a weekend and not expect him to react, and I need him to pay for my bills"?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): "I know most people would just say then get a job and get out if your so unhappy, Id say the same thing to someone else in my position"... Sometimes the easiest answers are the ones staring us in the face. We all have problems but as adults, we deal with them. Reading this question, I expected it to be written by someone in their early 20s, not late 30s. With all due respect, grow up and get a job.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 Break up with him, go on the trip, get a job...
Don't stay with him just for your own financial benefits- it ain't that hard to get a job.
Don't cheat on him- if he "goes into a mood when you aren't in the room" and he likes to be the "detective", he's going to snoop and he's going to find out. Period. If he finds out where you are before you get back, don't be surprised to find your clothes in a bonfire.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): wow! first let me say how sorry i am your in this.. obsessive behavior is all bad news.
To be honest, I would blurt it out, as i was leaving. "im going away for the weekend and ps it is none of your ^%%#@*^* (fill in the blanks) business.
Im not saying go cheat etc.... im just saying there is a breaking point. trust me Ive been there and wasted seven years on a jerk just like yours (maybe their related)only i didn't marry him.. i ran down the street screaming.
What is the worst that could happen? He kick you out and you be on your own only without his old butt driving you nuts.
if you don't make a stand you never will. i could tell you what would be worse than not going on this trip. the fact that you let the love of your life slip away not once but twice!
please take the trip, remember what it was like to have passion for life and other people. a lifetime spent making someone else happy only builds resentment and hate. DONT do that to your self. I would pack all my stuff asap.
oh yeah... don't tell alec all that... your right it will freak him out, it would freak anyone out. pm me if you want to chat more.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 Alec just wants to know he has the charms for you still. Your quiet response showed him all. A happy housewife would have just flat out rejected his offer and tell him to buzz off. You didn't really need to say anything to him. You made the trip sound innocent, when in fact it's an affair, no matter how temporary it is. Just because something it's free doesn't mean you need to go grab it. It won't be the same as before. During the trip you would be worrying what Barry is having for dinner, and whether he would check your emails. An ex is an ex for a reason.
I think you need to leave two men alone and work on being financially independent so you will have more choices in men. Living with Barry is like working for a high paying job you hate. Like your friends said you should break off the engagement. Not because of Alec. Just focus on your happiness for now and be more self sufficient.
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