A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a sixteen year old girl, engaged to (no, I'm not pregnant) my nineteen year old boyfriend and best friend of two years.One thing that was immediately obvious to everyone, including us was that we are both jealous, obsessive, and controlling people, but we both understand where the other was coming from so it hasn't caused a lot of conflict with us, we actually sat down and laid out ground rules so that we would both know how the other expects us to behave. Now I feel that these rules are beneficial as they prevent miscommunication, but with all the recent emphasis on teen dating violence I recognize some signs of abusiveness in me, my partner, and our rules, those are:a. While he has never hit me he does get up in my face, put his hands on my arms fairly hard and shake me during particularly heated arguments, I've slapped and thrown things at him on a few occasions. Also I've gotten into a fight with a female friend of his who was coming onto him, after she had been warned to stop.b.When we are intimate we both enjoy being tied up, slapping, cutting, etc., he has never pressured me or did anything without first making sure it was okay with me, but I wonder if the very fact we are aroused by those sorts of things is indicative of deeper problems in our psyches.c. He has a lot of issues around sexual purity, both mine and his, he considers us both virgins though I would not, and goes back and forth between loving sex and wanting it very much to finding actual sexual acts to desecrate him, I, and our love. He has explained it to me that it's about ownership, having someone to yourself completely, but also about not wanting to sully an idealized act, which to a lesser extent I share. The problem arises around our pasts, I'm absolutely sick knowing he touched another girls boobs and he was homicidal when he found out that my ex made me touch him. Neither of us really know what to do because there is nothing we can do about the past and that in and of itself doesn't make our feelings go away.d. When we fight we generally are pretty polite, but there are a few occasions that we have threatened each other or said something particularly nasty.e. Then there are our rules, which we both abide by, they are that:1. He approves of all my clothes or I have to take them back, which I know sounds unhealthy, but I don't really mind because I don't want to look skanky in the first place.2. Having to check in daily and inform each other when we go out and who we are with.3. We can see members of the opposite sex who aren't related to us when with other people, but not alone.4. No hand holding, kissing, prolonged hugging, cuddling, touching in a manner you wouldn't touch your grandma, sexual acts, flirting, cybering, sexting, intentionally seeing naked or dancing with anyone else.5. No porn or masturbation with toys.6. We make friends as a couple, anyone he or I am not keen on the other isn't keen on.7. All social networking sites are shared, we have each others passwords, and can look at each others text messages and call history.8. No going to parties or dance places without the other.9. I'm not allowed to drink/smoke if he isn't around to make sure I don't get taken advantage of.10. No posting picture on social networking sites.I am wondering if you think my relationship is unhealthy even though we don't have much drama over this and if so how I can improve on it.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 October 2010):
 I'm not going to claim your relationship is unhealthy, at least not to a huge extent. I am worried about the physical violence you have both done when in an argument. That I think you two need to work on, and I don't feel it's where it can't be rectified. You two need to sit down and work out a plan that when your argument intensifies, what to do to avoid attacking each other.
Your list is okay, as long as you both accept it as being okay. There are no rules, or being unhealthy to set boundaries or how you deserve to be treated in a relationship. I do feel you went overboard with being accountable for checking in, and such. This is because, if he says he went out, does it matter who he was around if he remains faithful to you? The problem, which is unhealthy, is that you two don't trust the other one not to do anything, unless it's contracted. I understand the jealousy, but I also understand the importance of trust.
Instead of having this contract, why not write each other a commitment letter, just saying how you will treat each other, and protect each others feelings, not because your obligated to, but because it's what you choose out of your love for each other. It's sort of like writing your vows for marriage and hold that as being your truth together, instead of a written list of rules. Reasons being, you're both fairly young, and before you get married you need to assure that your relationship is built on trust, and not a false trust by preventing the others actions.
You know, either one of you can cheat if you want to. Then the one who's cheated on can either forgive or move on, but if you truly love one another, you won't because it's wrong, and you dread causing the other one pain.
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