A
male
age
36-40,
*rh84
writes:Oh where to start with my ordeal. About 8 months ago I split up with my Ex Fiance. For about 6 months before we broke up I had a suspicion that her and a co-worker had something going on. Between the constant phone calls daily and the texts between the two of them it was to much. And then on Halloween night we were out with some friends and we were going through the pictures we took on her camera and we (mean me and my friends) came across a picture of my fiance and her co-worker in my bed (clothed) on one of the weekends I was away on business. For my this was the last straw and I broke it off that night and asked her to move out. Well since we were both in the lease I had to evict her with took 30 days so we lived together for a month after the fact. During that time things weren't bad, we did still sleep together (I know you are never supposed to do that) and we still enjoyed each others company. She also tried many times to tell me she would change, but I had always said you only get once chance.Well the time came and she had to move out, it got a little rougher after that and we obviously talked less and less as the weeks went by. By about February we were really only talking online and had not seen each other in over a month. The healing process was taking place and it seemed to be getting easier every day. Then in March came a real blow to the heart, I found out that she started dating that co-worker almost right after she moved out and was living with him and had been for almost a month. When I confronted her she said the "weren't a couple and were only roommates". I of course didn't believe here and knowing what I did, it set me back again and I feel back into a minor depression. Thanks to all my wonderful friends I was able to pull out of it, but I told my self I was done talking to her and dealing with the lies. Well I wish I could say the story ends there, but then I wouldn't be writing this question if it was that easy. We still did talk here and there, but the conversation's would usually end up bad and we wouldn't talk for another 2 weeks or so. Well recently (in the past month) we have talked more and more and have opened up to each other. I can't lie, I am still crazy about her after 9 months she is still on my mind all the time. I have had 2 other girlfriends since her and they were wonderful girls but they weren't her. She finally came clean and admitted that same thing, that she is only with him cause she can't stand being single and he was available. Obviously I am weary of that excuse but then I have to remind myself of the childhood she had (I family member of her couldn't keep his hands to himself when she was a child) and the damage that it did to her. I am still unsure if she actually cheated on me with her co-worker as I never saw it but I do know that at the very least she had an emotional affair with him. We have talked just about everyday now for a month and of course we get along a lot better now that we are open and honest. The kicker is lately I have run in to her in the strangest places and I can't help but wonder if I am suppose to. We live many miles apart and yet I am still running into her here and there. Just this past weekend on my way into the city on the train (I went at the last minute to spend the weekend with a friend) she got on the same train??? I guess my question is can this ever work again. I am weary of the whole situation, not to mention what my family and friends would say to it but I can't help how I still feel. She was everything to me and meant so much to me. Is it still to early and I haven't healed yet, or are we meant to be. Please help....Lost and Confused in Chicago
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affair, broke up, cheated on me, co-worker, fiance, moved out, my ex, roommate, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): By the way, those chance encounters with her don't mean things are meant to be, it is called a coincidence.
There isn't anyone siting up there with a big chess board playing with your life. They are opportunities though to at that time reconnect with her. My thinking is better not unless you want more of the same BS and drama in your life, and that won't be a coincidence that will be a choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): You know sitting here reading your post, I can't help but think that your ex finance should meet my ex boyfriend, they are two of a kind, lies, lots of inappropriate relationships where they have someone calling them night and day, yet are in a relationship with you, and they both can't stand being alone.
What I would say considering your ex's childhood, that she is psychologically damaged and probably even has developed a personality disorder that doesn't allow her to take responsibility for anything she does, hence the lying and the excuses she makes, but never really grows or changes her self or her behavior. My ex had a rotten childhood, too, and still doesn't have a relationship with either of his parents. That said, plenty of us have had tough things to deal with in childhood and we didn't come out damaged. It could be a difference in genetics, but more often than not I think it is a difference in intelligence. Smart people can figure it out for themselves and sort of raise themselves up right or gravitate to someone who is healthy that can help them as kids to trun out alright. We all have the power to make choices, too. I get up every day and choose not to steal or to hurt anyone. She gets up in a new world every day and makes her decisions on her situations and taking care of her own needs without thoughts of the consequences or taking other's feelings into consideration.
In my best guess, I think she is a lost cause. I understand the pain you feel, it is a deep sadness that the person that you love is just too sick for you to be with. That person will end up making you sick, literally from all the stress of not being able to trust them or to count on them for anything....you can become old before your years, and physically ill, look at you, you are already depressed.
I am struggling too with those feelings of loss and depression and sadness, but if I focus on what I "KNOW" I
chose not to be in a relationship any more with my ex or live in his dysfunction, I have a deep guilt and sadness over that, but it is what it is. I have to find someone or something else that can add to my life, not destroy it and you deserve the same.
Let her go to find her own life. She has years ahead of her to get well and figure it out and she may never do it because she isn't smart enough to do so, or has a disorder that is unchangeable and untreatable.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 July 2009):
 yeaaaaa Granny Clampet alive and well!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 July 2009):
Hey sis, you SURE it was dead and not just playing...possum?
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz!  +, writes (27 July 2009):
I dont feel you were meant to be at all, sometimes people have to much of a past to ever have a future and im sorry but your situation falls under this. The fact that your not over it shows how genuine you were and how it affected you. Your still running into her yet you live miles apart, are you sure shes not trying to get back with you? Maybe after time to think shes realised you is all she ever wanted, has she realised to late? or are you prepared to take that risk? Its up to you but you need to weigh it all up in your head, the good times and the bad times get the balance of the two. You say you have no proof of an affair yet there must of been an issue for her to accept moving out etc. Itll take a lot to gain that trust back.
You still love this woman so im guessing you want to give it another go, time is supposed to heal you time can also change you. Your both different now but put back together whos to say itll be any different?
When two people end it how you did its impossible to think of any other way, now its settled you have options, the choice is up to you, try talking to her look staright into her eyes and see what she has to say. Ask her how she feels and until your sure dont give too much away. Once your sure then be honest back, i really hope you find a way forward with or without her,
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, Rogerramjet  +, writes (27 July 2009):
I wouldn't read "destiny" into it. I think you are 2 people who were engaged to be married, so you obviously had alot in common and it just follows that, even apart, you both think along the same lines and enjoy doing the same things as one another, hence why you keep running into each other.I had something similar happen. Dated a girl for 2 years. Was deliriously happy. Thought I was gonna marry her. Then BAM it was over. For YEARS afterwards we constantly ran into each other in the strangest places. Heck I found we regularly would find ourselves stopped at the same RED LIGHT together out on the street. It was tough, and one of us was eventually going to have to move away from this area to break this cycle and really allow each other to move on. Wound up being her.7 years later and I still admit I think about her on a near-daily basis. Based on the behaviour of both her and her friends, I think she has the same problem. I really do think we were perfect for each other. Soul mates. But it was screwed up beyond repair because she was dumb enough to question a good thing and do some stupid stuff. No matter how much I wish I could get back with her (and she probably does to), i think we both realize that it just could never possibly be the same as it was. There would always be questions. There would always be something holding us back from allowing ourselves to love each other as we did.There are no second chances in the game of love.
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