A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this girl for 2 years and we have been very much in love. The problem is, when we first met I told her some lies about my past and as time went on I didn't know how to take them back. so I told more lies and things are in a very bad place now. We broke up about a week ago and then I confessed to all of my lies, but now she has lost all trust in me. I love her with all of my heart and want to spend my life with her but I don't know if she can ever trust me again.Please I need any kind of help on what I can do to win her trust back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): Has anyone read my answer, on this page?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): When I got dumped, I grew suspicious of the reason. I didn't buy it, as she told me she didn't wish to hurt me. However, the fake reason as the official explaination of the breakup had hurt more than if she'd have told me right there and then.
And, she even admitted that she didn't want to lie any more. So, that kind of made me suspicious of just how often did she really lie during my time with her.
Seems like she's natural at it, too. However, once I found out she had lied and she even admitted to it, I just had to terminate whatever I had left with her. I figured "If she's not willing to be honest with me, how is she going to keep me around, as just a boring, plain friend?".
And, yeah. Nowadays, I see her. But, every time I lay my eyes on her, she looks away from me as if I hurt her. Thing is, SHE is the dumper. I had to do whatever felt right for ME. Not HER.
What I'm trying to tell you is, like everyone else, I think your girlfriend (If she's still your girlfriend) may not trust you very easily, if she finds out of all the lies. I know if I was in your girlfriend's shoes, and I found out all the lies, I wouldn't be too happy. And, I don't think it would have lasted any longer.
However, that's just my opinion.
I appreciate you taking the time to read all this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I am in the same situation as you, my lies have really made my relationship hard for my partner and I, although I have not lied to my partner for nearly a year, and have come clean, it has not been a bed of roses for us at all. We have fought, and cried, yelled and screamed. And I have copped it all, as it was I that did this to our relationship, my choice to lie, and therefore I have to wear the blame. I am lucky, my partner still believes in me, even though he doesn't trust me, trust is earnt, and I am a very long way off from this still. Best of luck, and don't lie again, even if your scared of the reaction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): you cannot make anybody trust you. it is something what is earned. once trust gets broke you then enter the first stage of a toxic relationship. somehow, i'm not convinced you care about the lying, only the fact that you want her to trust you. it boggles me just why you fail to mention what you lied about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Well, you know!!!! a lot of guys and ladies lie to each other when they first meet which is not a good thing to do,I lied to a guy I met years ago and come to find out he had lied to me also, the relationship ended because we wasn't meant for each other but after you realized how much you love her and want her in your life forever, that'swhen you want to make things right, come clean and free your mind, spirt and soul which I can appreciate you very much for that because you didn't have to tell her but you love her so much and wanted to clear your conscience.She just may have some skeltons in her closet as well or some hiding lies.How about if you tell her that you really love her and wanted to clean up your mess and want to be honest with her.Good LuckWhatever you do do not lie again.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2012):
 I'm not sure if WHAT the lies are/were about would make a difference.
the lies that were told to me were innocuous in terms of our lives together... they were just made to make him feel good about himself... but they undermined my trust about IMPORTANT stuff too... because a person who can lie about some things can lie about many.... it's the ABILITY to lie and to lie so well that you can build an entire web of lies on top of each other that's the problem.
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female
reader, delightful84  +, writes (19 February 2012):
Look at it this way, could you trust someone who lies and lies again?
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (19 February 2012):
If you would state what your lies were about it would be helpful. An honest question will get more honest answers.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 What was the lies about?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2012):
You can't. Sadly you must use this as a lesson learned.
my last marriage broke up and one of the biggest problems were his lies... and they were stupid lies... like what he did before me (work related) or who he knew (famous people)
so that even when he told the truth I have never believed him.
Sadly he's not learned his lesson and he still lies to his current SO... it's sad really because all he has to do is be himself which would make him loveable but the lies make him untrustworthy
trust is much like a china tea cup... it's very fragile
if you break it you can MEND it but it will NEVER be as strong as it was before it was broken... it will always have a crack no matter how well you repair it.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (19 February 2012):
 you told her lies . you cant build a relationship of trust built on lies. and the bad part is you know that now. with lies just as you did you have to cover lies with more lies . this brakes down trust, and a person never knows when you are telling the truth. you messed up you want her back. trust will be a hard thing to regain. it will take time for her to regain trust in you. she will be watching your character , how you act around her , her friends, family. any thing you tell her she will weigh and balance ( if you are telling the truth.) to rebuild a relationship with her it will take time, just plan on slowing down. you need to regain trust. be totally honest with her about everything. you need to pour your heart out to her and let her know how you feel about her. trust can be regained but you cant build a relationship on mistrust.
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A
female
reader, eternallyinfinite  +, writes (19 February 2012):
The thing is, the 2 years that you had together were a lie. If this had happened to me, I'd never be able to trust the guy again.
However, you can certainly try to regain her trust, but it'd be really hard, if it's even possible. I'd probably give her some time alone and then try to explain yourself (like explaining why you lied to her). And if she doesn't take you back, then that's it. You're going to have to learn to be honest in your future relationships and don't base them on lies ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Loving Relationships have a foundation of trust/honesty for all other aspects to florish. Friendship, Love, Caring, Intimacy, Fidelity...When one discovers that the relationship was built on lies-then the whole relationship crumbles. Also you become a stranger to the person. If you are capable of lying time and again, you paint yourself a very untrustworthy, unreliable person. Women want to feel safe, vunerable, cherished, adored, and when they discoverthe man they loved lied consistantly- then you must have lied about pretty much everything, even your capicty to love.Its a betrayal and it hurts. 2 years of lies is a lot to reconcile. EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID AND DONE IS SCRUTINIZED. Was there anything genuine in the relationship? Goodtimes were more than the lies?The work takes 2 years to more of repairing and demonstrating you can be a trustworthy indivdiual but it also depends on they things you lied about. Also if you have broken the habit of lying and that you even KNOW WHY you lied in the first place.No one wants to fall in love with someone that doesn't exsist. A fair and honest person wants the fair and honest chance to fall in love with someone genuine, as is, flaws, faults and all and not someone pretending to be something they are not nor every will be.All you can do is account for every lie and apologize. Be a support as she heals and vents. Let her decide if you can be trusted.The best way to help, is to always say, yes I know I lied about that and you have a right to be angry over that and hurt. All I can say is sorry and be here and hope you will make it through it. You will be her friend and support because its the right thing to do, restitution and not because of the motivation you will win her back. If you can do this honestly and know you may still lose her - then you are someone who can make good on lying and set things right. That makes you trustworthy and reliable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): The problem is that you are now a liar. How is anybody to know whether you are telling the truth or not? It could depend a lot on what you was lying about, but i dont think she will trust you again. Honesty is the virtue.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 February 2012):
 There's probably not much you can do to be honest and it depends how she really feels about you. I can understand why she wanted to end things because trust is a very easy thing to destroy in a relationship and almost impossible to repair.
You could give her some space and then perhaps write to her explianing yourself but absolutely do not lie again!! NOT EVER!! It's up to her whether she wants to initiate...and if she doesn't...well you are just going to have to put it down to experience and learn to never do anything like that again.
xx
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