A
male
age
41-50,
*ryzmdmn
writes:Oh well, this is going to be a LONG question, so please bear with me and apologies for the length of this.Ok, just about 2 years ago (January 2007) I met this girl. I was a postgrad student at university and she was an exchange student who just turned up for 4 months.Well, within a couple of days we had kissed, within a week we had sex, and a few days later we were spending every night together.So after 4 months of this, she goes home. And now we start the long-distance relationship.From then on we spent 2 weeks together every 4-6 weeks. I finished up university and went from part-time in my job to full-time.So, she went home, and 1 month later I was with her for 10 days, 1.5 months after that I was back for 2 weeks with her and 1 month after that she was coming on holiday with me.And then it happens. A couple of weeks after going on holiday with me, she goes on holiday with her friends for 2 weeks and has sex with her ex-boyfriend.A little background to this, her ex was this guy she really loved and had always said that I was the only guy she met that could make her forget him because I was better in every way. She told mutual friends of ours that she wanted to marry me and be with me forever (and that didn’t scare me!). And, according to her, she told all her friends on holiday the same thing. Then the very next night she gets drunk and has sex with this guy.So, she calls me and texts me and emails me continuously, begging forgiveness and saying she is sorry, that it meant nothing, that Im the one she wants.So I swallow my male pride and go to see her again, and it starts to work. For months I don’t trust her or believe her, but eventually I feel able to tell her (at Christmas the same year) that I have forgiven her and trust her, and I can see she is so happy at this.Well, 1 year later, at the start of November 2008 we have a big fight, over nothing important, but it really blew up. We didn’t shout or anything, didn’t get the chance, we were surrounded by her family. But, it was major.But within a week, we were talking again, we were trying to patch things up.So, I was all set to go see her for the 2 weeks before Christmas, when she completely out of the blue sends me an email saying she thinks we will be split up after this time together and she had kissed the ex again the week previously.In the end I still went to see her and was determined to get things sorted. But the end of the 2 weeks together, she just says that we shouldn’t be together and that’s it. She also says its definitely not because of the ex. She never cheated on me after that first time (except the kiss) and wont be with him.So, for the next month she texts me continuosly, and wants to talk on the internet all the time and acts like we did before. So, I go see her for 2 weeks again.We had a great time, however a couple of days before I leave, she tells me that, yes, she did have sex with her ex before I went to see her at Christmas, and within a couple of days of me leaving was back having sex with him again.Understandably I was very angry, but eventually she admitted there was more to it than that.So, it appears that she was having sex with him for at least a year (he has a long-term girlfriend too).So now, its March and she has been texting me all the time telling me she misses me so much, she loves me etc. Now she has a chance to get a job in her field where I live and has applied too. I believe it is partly to be with me (though she likes this place too) and she has said that. I have told her that I don’t even feel like a friend to her anymore, because I was lied to so much (I told her after the first time that the worst thing to do in future would be to lie to me).She says she is writing everything down to understand it herself and to try to explain to me.So, essentially, what do I do now? Do I take her back if that is what she wants, or am I just being an idiot all over again? I mean I worked 60 hour weeks to get the time and money to go see her all this time and she was cheating when I wasn’t there. I still love her, I felt she was my soulmate, the one I could tell everything too. I really don’t think that I should keep any form of relationship (i.e. friends) as I love her to much and it would kill me to see her with someone else, or it would kill me if I took her back and we split up.But, she seems to want to be with me, she tells me she will do all the travelling now, even if she doesn’t get the job here. And all the time, its “I miss you so much, I love you so much” in texts and emails. Though she has said she doesn’t think we could be together forever after what she has done to ruin our relationship, that I will end it sometime.What do I do?
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cheated on me, christmas, drunk, her ex, I love you, money, on holiday, soulmate, split up, swallow, text, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, MEEEEEE67  +, writes (19 July 2011):
Hi,Dont mind the screen-name. (im a male lol)This girl is just an asshole. I am telling u this to wake up. One of the biggest ones out there.U need to protect ur happiness and tell her..that u do not want this pain no more and that it is best that u and her break up. If she starts crying (again)...just tell her that she should have thought of that before and that she didnt want u enough..You deserve to be happy and not get hurt..and that is she misses u and feels bad she can be with her other lover..she will be FINEEEEEEEEEE...so stop feeling sorry for her..and see her as the piece of shit she really is. She is just a crappy asshole and a piece of shit..She can be with him...if she feels unhappy..and u need to just be happy that THAT PAIN that you have been feeling has finally ended. She can give that PAIN to somebody else..Cause that is what she has been giving you ..PAIN..not love.So tell her to be happy with the other guy..ignore all the bullshit you have created in ur mind about whether or not u are not good enough..(ignore her stupid childish opinion..she is just acting stupid) and tell her in nice words..to let u go...Dont care bout a girl like that..she wants the other guy? Fine..we dont need people like this in the world..I dont know her..but if she would die or drive off a cliff by accident..(god forbid) we all would be better off.Why do u want a piece of shit like that anyways?
A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 I could theorize about her motivations, but Id rather not, because when people theorize they usually project their own issues on others.
There is one thing I want to comment though, you were not an idiot to take her back before.
But if you take her back now, Im not so sure if you wont be that in the future.
But in the end, youre the only one who has the answer.
Yet, maybe she wants you to put some trust into her.. or maybe there is something she didnt understand about you, think about that...
Did you cheat on her, by the way?
Maybe she is getting scared because this is getting serious too fast... maybe shes worried that youre not looking somewhere else (which is typical male behavior).
I would say, forget relationship, marriage and that. For gods sake, youre young! Just try to talk each others through your emotions and what is going wrong, so that you can have a nice time together. Would it really kill you to see her with someone else? See, the truth is often the opposite of what we say.
I say just be friends with her for a while, have a good time if you can.
Here you go, I did it, I theorized about her motivations... and gave you advice... but heck, you asked for it!
I think youre fake...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): I thik that see was drunk and hassent been able to sleep with anyone, so she was horny on top of it all. She had just told all of her friends this. Then she sleeps with him, but she chose you and maybe she was thinking of you on that night and he reminded her of you with the drinking she was half cohearent of her seroundings and who she was with, so you really cant keep that against her. I think your getting to old for these games and need to settle down, mabe not with her but in a relationship thats more than a sence of swingers to it. If you wont it to work you both have to be in the same locaton atleast city wise. Your thinking about marrieing her how is it going to work. I would let her go because it doesn't feel like she values your relationship and what it could be. Every time your foundation is good she destroys it to where you have to rebuild it how many times cn you rebuild it before you say enough, I'm done. If you make that choose test her and tell her its over, then change your e-mail,phone, and cell phone so she cannot tempt you with oooh I'm sorry, bloo, bloo,and blooo, excuses, long poss and no resonse. She hasn't grasped truely grasped it yet and I really don't know if she ever will. Time to leave and move forwad, ask for a transfer if you don't feel comfortable their any longer. You've wasted a lot of money on this venture and you didn't get anything out of it. Its time to find someone els, may be they will have a kid that needs a father. Or maybe it will just be a person who is devoted to her relationships and has the same interest as you right.New is good for the soul especially in this case.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (22 March 2009):
 Yes, it will happen all over again. You are too nice a person. There is noting wrong in you loving her more than she loves you. But there is something really wrong if you allow her to cheat on you over and over again.
Just think. She is a free human being, not your prisoner nor your slave. Fast forward a few months or years: even if you got married and she lives with you, what is there to stop her from cheating you again (with her ex)??? Money? If she worked, she would always buy her own ticket, or she can always lie to you [saying that she needs to visit her family], or she can ask her ex to pay for her tickets. Time? If she worked, she can use her leave to go away without you. Committment? well, she cheated on you numerous times, didn't she? even when she was saying the L word all the time. Etc etc etc.
You have a post graduate degree. You have a kind heart. You have a good job. You are most likely amongst a few highly eligible men that good decent women find very attractive. Don't sell yourself short by continuing this toxic relationship with this cheater. You deserve better.
Good luck! Forgive her for cheating you. Forgive yourself for not seeing how you have allowed yourself to be disrespected. Then, move on on your own without her.
Cat
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