A
female
age
41-50,
*pplegirl
writes:I've been seeing this guy for over a year on and off. What I like about him the best that he is very reliable when he says he calls he does, when he says he comes he is on time. Someone that I can count on. Girls, this is rare as you know! He is also very affectionate with me. The beginning it was started out as relationship, openly for four months. We went out together but I always let him have his free time when he just went out, I went out as well without him. Then he pulled the "I'm not sure" on me so I let him go. But he kept texting me and calling me that he still likes me so we started seeing each other again without agreeing what is it what we're doing. Later I kind of got the feeling that he wants a friends with benefits kind of relationship so our relationship was on and off mostly because I couldn't handle the situation. I stopped having sex with him for a while too but the truth is that after three months I missed it so much that I couldnt resist anymore. Now we talk or text everyday, we hang out once or twice a week, not always for sex and we miss each other if we are not together. BUT he goes out many times without me and not even thinking of asking me. He goes out with friends who are many times girls (Im not jealous, I know those are just friends but I dont know why he rather be with them instead of me). He admitted that he doesnt want a relationship with anyone and he doesnt want to sleep with anyone else but me but he cannot give me more. He said if someone asks he'll say he's been seeing someone but he doesnt want to call it girlfriend. He basically said that he wants a relationship with no "bs" without the jealousy, without "where are you, what you're doing, why are you not with me". He wants to be free and wants me to be free, all he wants me to let him know if I start dating someone else. He says it is gonna hurt him but he knows he cannot expect for me to wait for him. I know it's for me to decide whether I can accept this situation or not and I know there is no guarantee that he'll ever change his mind. Im just so helpless because I tried to cut him off completely but after a while I miss him so I go back again. Is this going to stop me to meet someone who I really want? Am I gonna seem less available?
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female
reader, applegirl +, writes (24 March 2009):
applegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all who helps me and answers my question. I've told him that his arrangement would not ever make me happy so I wont do that, let's try to be just friends (didnt really work in the past but who knows... maybe this time). The truth is that he is much younger than me and we're not on the same level. In relationships timing is a very important factor. I dont believe that he doesnt care about me because he shows me otherwise. I do believe however that he wont give me the things that I want. I dont believe only sex that we have together because even when I didnt give it to him in the past he was around. But I do believe his arrangement is only serving his needs and not mine. How convenient for a guy to have a girl who is serving his needs w/o commitment and the responsibility? What guy would say no to that? Even if you're a hot guy and somewhat picky girls wont be all over you and you'll have to work to get laid. That's what he wants to avoid the work. I dont think I can totally cut him off though because we move around in the same social circles, we show up at the same places. He is a good friend of mine too. I cant blame him that he wants some benefits with it too! What guy wouldn't?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Later I kind of got the feeling that he wants a friends with benefits kind of relationship so our relationship was on and off mostly because I couldn't handle the situation. I stopped having sex with him for a while too but the truth is that after three months I missed it so much that I couldnt resist anymore. Now we talk or text everyday, we hang out once or twice a week, not always for sex and we miss each other if we are not together. BUT he goes out many times without me and not even thinking of asking me. He goes out with friends who are many times girls (Im not jealous, I know those are just friends but I dont know why he rather be with them instead of me). He admitted that he doesnt want a relationship with anyone and he doesnt want to sleep with anyone else but me but he cannot give me more. He said if someone asks he'll say he's been seeing someone but he doesnt want to call it girlfriend. He basically said that he wants a relationship with no "bs" without the jealousy, without "where are you, what you're doing, why are you not with me". He wants to be free and wants me to be free, all he wants me to let him know if I start dating someone else. He says it is gonna hurt him but he knows he cannot expect for me to wait for him. I know it's for me to decide whether I can accept this situation or not and I know there is no guarantee that he'll ever change his mind. Im just so helpless because I tried to cut him off completely but after a while I miss him so I go back again. Is this going to stop me to meet someone who I really want? Am I gonna seem less available?
All you need to know is in the paragraph you have written above. This guy is using you for sex, period. He doesn't want the responsibility of a real relationship. You two have not progressed through the levels of intimacy that are characteristic of a deep and committed relationship. This guy treats you like a booty call that he sees a couple of nights every week and he is telling you to alleviate his guilt that he does not want a realtionship with anyone. Get a clue and extricate yourself from this situation, I won't even call it a relationship because it isn't. This guy is thinks you are as handy as a shirt pocket he is using you and he is lying to you that he is not dating anyone else, he doesn't believe in dating, there are plenty of bar whores who are willing to have sex with him and that is where he lives.
OF course this is stopping you from meetina decent man who is interested in YOU....cut this cancer out of your life...tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass and loose him now!
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A
female
reader, applegirl +, writes (22 March 2009):
applegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did date other men. My life is very busy, I know many people and I meet new people all the time. When we were in our off periods I was dating others but never gotten anywhere far. He always asks afterwords and I tell him. He wants to know details usually and I can see on him that it bothers him. I think he's just afraid of losing his situation with me.
Im wondering if he stops me to get involved with others?
Im also very much independent and dont put up with many of his things. I let him know something I dont like. He is definitely not taking me for granted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): If I were you as an emotionally mature woman I would seek for my own happiness. You are not good enough for him? Try to slowly detach emotionally. Go and find someone else without leaving him. Go out with other men without telling him. Yes, just what he doesn't want you to do. Who's him to tell you what you have or not to do? If he finds out say that you are not sure also. That you are torn between the two. What's the worst that could happen? He leaves for good? You don't have him anyway. He becomes jealous? That wouldn't be so bad. Maybe that will help him to 'be sure'. This guy wants his cake and eat it too. I believe even if he finds out you are going out with someone else he might come back eventually if it doesn't work out. From what I see he will not settle down with you so don't waste precious time and youth waiting for a man who's not sure of what he wants.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (22 March 2009):
 Yes, you will inevitably stop sending signals to men who may be interested in you that you are "unavailable". Why? Because you appear to be respect a monogamous relationship. So now you are "closed" to other men while you are with this one.
He refuses to call this a "relationship", but to you, it is. It has many of the characteristics of a relationship. At least from your side. So in other words, it is almost a one sided relationship. Which in itself, is a paradox.
Of course you miss him when he is not with you. And you will miss him more, when you severe the "tie" that connects you to him should you decide to move on and have a go at meeting other men. Possibly to fall in love with another man who will be kind and who love you and who will be happy to claim you as the girlfriend openly.
How will you cope with missing him if you "broke up" from this current male-friend? Occupy your time with all kinds of activities, so that you will not have time to think about him. The more free time you have on your own, the harder it will be to not think about him. The more you have fun with your friends [and your new hobbies], the less he will be occupying your thoughts.
It's his loss, not yours.
Good luck!
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): If you are really hung up on this guy and you are accepting these terms for a non relationship then it could hurt you emotionally and sort of lower your self confidence.
This guy is stringing you along and waiting to find a bigger and better deal than you. He is a user. That said he can turn into someone that wants a commitment from you, but it ain't gonna happen anytime soon.
So my question for you is, are you taking yourself "off the market" for mr. I don't want a relationship? I hope not. I hope you will consider that you would be best off continuing to date around, date as many men as you want and let as many men as you want take care of you emotionally. You can let him know you are dating someone else, and that actually just might be the thing that gets you the guy. Tell him he has the right to take as long as he wants to make up his mind about you, but while he is deciding he cannot have you all to himself.
As far as him going out a lot without you, and spending time with female friends, I don't know, I wouldn't like it if I was seriously in love with someone. In my opinion you are the woman, you are the selector, and you don't ever want to give that power away to a man and let him think that you are going to have to work to get him to select you.....He needs to step up to the plate and claim you as the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Until marriage is on the table or the words you are who I want for the rest of my life are uttered, then to him you are just dating and he can stop that at any time he sees fit....what you don't want to do is follow him off the road to committment and wonder what the heck he is doing and "work" to get him. In fact the less you care about the outcome of the relationship the better off you are and the more likely you are to actually get what you want. It seems crazy, but I think it is true.
So continue to date other men....don't make him your number one, because he hasn't made you his....he hasn't he is not calling you anything, but I am sure you are the closest thing he has to a girlfriend, but why put your heart and love life on the line for a guy who isn't sure about you yet.....it isn't fair to you, and it could keep you from meeting the man who is the love of your life, the guy who wants to step up and claim you as his ONE
So decide to live your own life, do the things you want to do and if you are busy when he calls, then he will just have to catch you when he can. Still make yourself emotionally connected to him when you do see him though, allow him to feel safe with you by accepting him as you are, but don't tolerate him taking you for granted or treating you poorly....stand up for yourself and let him know how you are feeling at all times.
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A
female
reader, 2dareANDdream +, writes (22 March 2009):
 This is how I see it. He likes you and doesn't want to see you with another guy. But he also wants to go out and do his thing while your at the house wondering what he is doing! He is pulling you along, he thinks as long as you guys talk everyday and he " tells you " he cares about you and its only you. Then you will wait for him and be with only him!.. He wants his cake and to eat it to. It doesnt happen that way. Honey all or nothing. If it's to hard for you to let go, then he has won. You need to tell him like i said above, its all or nothing.. Guys are protective over ther girls, they are afraid every guy is goin to hit on them and want some. So they dont like there girls to go out without them. You seem laid back, thats cool you trust him like that. But ya girl i think you need to sit down and tell him how it is, and it aint going to work like that anymore.
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