A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:She had a miscarriage .She was bleeding for 20 days,both of us are not ready for a baby.Its a long distance relationship..so she went to the doctor alone..There was big tissue in her uterus..Doctor gave her some abortion pills..after severe pain for 2 days she passed everything.I was there for her when she went through this. We were in constant touch through cellphone.I am stable in my career..she is struggling so all these times she did everything alone..in our country where pre marital sex is taboo.. so things were hard for her. After this incidence she got so emotional she said.. i need your emotional supporti feel so weak like my world is falling apart..i am not good with emotional comfort so i was clueless when she told me these things.. so i said don't talk about these things..i thought it would be best for both of us because the more she will talk about it the more she will suffer..but she said she wants to talk..she want to share every thing with me.she is relived that it ended but she feels a sense of loss.. i tried to change the topic..she said why you seem so normal..i said do you want me to cry..She was hurt so she started crying.. she said she feel alone..i thought we are in same boat but now you are behaving like a stranger..i thought you will understand me.. but i gave her silence when she was crying on phone..i thought that was the right decision because she was not talking in rational way tears scare me. I feel guilty that i was not there for her when she went through this..but what am i suppose to do now..yelling at mt won't help her..After that she said she doesn't want to talk to me.. so i didn't call her back..even next day also i didn't call but i said sorry by a message but she said you are a selfish person i told her i am with you but she said you gave me silence when i needed you but this is how i function..this is not the first time.i said i am sorry please clam down..and stop freaking about it..she texted some emotional messages that how lonely she feel i replied to them but i did not call her back.. because i thought may be she will call me if she really wanted to talk.its been 7 days her phone is switched off.why she is playing mind games ?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 Even though I feel sorry for what your girlfriend had to go through alone, she is probably much better off being single now. I hope she has good friends and support, and hopefully one day in the future she will meet someone who treats her as she is deserved. Who marries her, supports her, listens to her, allows her to cry on his shoulder, protects her, fathers her children and understands her. That is not you OP so you need to just let her go and find someone who will give her what she needs.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016): Introvert or not, if you can't deal with the possible repercussions of having intercourse - then maybe don't have them OK? You certainly don't have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship going by what you've stated about yourself. Wish her well and move on. Don't start a sexual relationship without both you and your partner using adequate protection.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 This post, and updates, are surprising.
I really can't say if it's just your pride talking, and not letting you admit that yes you screwed up big,big time and her reaction is normal and predictable - or if you are actually THAT clueless and/ or self centered. Maybe a touch of autism, ? as someone else has suggested.
Otherwise, it's amazing how you are making this all about you and portrayed yourself as the wronged part, and did not do / are not doing even the slightest attempt to see things through her eyes.
Ah so she is being dramatic ? making a big fuss over nothing ? You thought she would feel relieved of having gotten rid of this nuisance which your introvert, long distance penis was nevertheless able to seed into her ?..
I'll tell you why she was not relieved, nor happy.
Because, maybe she could have felt partially that way ( although with many mixed feelings and contrasting emotions , you can count on that ) if she had decided already since day one that she could not deal with the stigma and she was going to abort this child. In this case, although for many woman even a voluntary termination of pregnancy is still a big shock , well, if she had already made up her mind about having an abortion,... true, she still went through a shock, but this child was never going to happen anyway.
But, if instead , as it sounds more like it from what you wrote, she had not made up her mind about it yet, or she was determined to HAVE the child- who frigging cares if it' an " inconvenient " child ? It's still her child ( and yours too, but, lucky for you , you don't give a fuck ). She lost her baby- her baby died. It does not matter if as of now it was just a conglomeration of cells, and not a real baby,- a pregnancy only last 40 weeks, you can bet she was thinking, hey in 36 weeks I am going to see my baby, now is 34 weeks, now 32, now...nothing.
If she is not entitled, yes , entitled to make a big deal about this , I don't know what she possibly should make a big deal about in your opinion. Maybe about losing you ??...Yeah. Right.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (14 December 2016):
 I wish there was a way we here could make this guy pay like hell. This is either a troll or a complete moron who can't even string a sentence correctly and doesn't understand our even try to understand any logic.
Dude no one is misunderstanding you. You keep saying you were long distance but you sure weren't long distance when you were thrusting your penis inside your girlfriend and having an orgasm. That you can do but you can't drop everything and come be with her when she needs you the most?
She isn't dramatic and she wasn't giving you any mixed signals and I hope that gets inside your thick head. One thing though where you're right on the money-you're a big coward. A pitiable one.
Do you have a sister? How would you feel if she was in the position of your girlfriend? Would you respond in the same way as you're doing now?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 They weren't mixed, OP. All of them were about needing you to support her.
I'm in an LDR, so I know how helpless you can feel over the phone, when they're sad, but you have to hear them out and let them talk to you.
Let her go and you stay single for a while. If you won't use contraception, please don't have sex until you're both ready for a baby. Also, if this happens again to a different girlfriend or your future wife, *listen* to them. *Ask* them what support they need from you. Do *not* tell them you don't want to talk about it. These feelings *are* uncomfortable for everyone, but you just have to deal with it and support each other.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 December 2016):
 We understand perfectly what you're saying. She didn't give you ANY mixed signals whatsoever. How are you the ONLY person on this post who doesn't understand the problem here?
She asked for YOU to console her when she was upset. YOU ignored her every single time. YOU didn't let her vent her frustrations when she needed to. Every single time she came to you, you LET HER DOWN massively.
Stop acting like you're the victim here, you fucked up and you're trying to put the blame on her. Stop coming out with this shitty excuse of mixed signals because they werent any. You're just too much of a coward to accept that you did her wrong and now she doesn't want anything to do with you.
I hope she finds someone who can actually take care of her because how you dealt with it all was terrible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou all are misunderstanding me. But please try to see this from my perspective once. I know she went through a lot. but we are in long distance.. what am i supposed to do..i talked to her whole time when she was in clinic.. i find it hard to console emotionally i thought she was relieved that she got rid of it. In our culture its a taboo. She wanted to get rid of that..it was not an abortion , it was a miscarriage. I know that i should be there for her..but we are in long distance..i was in touch with her when she was in pain when she went to clinic..on that point of time we were worried that when we will get rid of that tissue because it was painful for her..now she is all emotional.. i didn't wanted to talk about those emotions because they make me uncomfortable..i am coward i know i already had enough in those 5 days i was so worried about her.. But what i am supposed to said..i said sorry.. i regret that she was in this position because of me.. she was like.. i was thinking about her career..which suffered a lot during this time. Yes i didn't call her back..because i don't know how to deal with emotions she was so angry and crying.. i thought i should give her some space.. after every fight i give her space.. than after 4-5 days we talk..she is the kind of person who wants to resolve everything by talking..she doesn't believe in space.she is little dramatic.. i am not a talkative person.. so most of the time she initiate conversation but on that day she was not saying anything so i told her whats wrong.. she said..nothing.. i am so lost.. i don't believe you are so normal.. but i don't know what to talk so i said nothing.. when she started crying..i said nothing..I was confused..I am logical person..i can solve her every problems but emotional ones i don't know how to solve them.. After that she said why are you giving me silent treatment.. say something.. i don't know what to say so i said sorry ..after that again there was silence..may be she was expecting something from me. Than suddenly she said..bye. I THOUGHT she doesn't want to talk so i didn't call her back but i said sorry..than in night again she messaged me .. all i wanted was your support..how long will you give me this silent treatment.Again i said sorry and how i feel bad that she went through this..she said she doesn't need my sorry..all she needed was me. In what way she needed..she gave me so many mixed signals.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 December 2016):
*You* are the one not listening. Her breaking up with you feels crappy, but SHE JUST LOST HER BABY! If you're feeling crappy about a break up, imagine what she's feeling that HER BABY JUST DIED!
This isn't about you. Please don't have sex until you're able to be supportive if it happens again. Please use contraception all the time!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 December 2016):
Dude are you for real?
So what if she's being 'mean'. She needed you! You weren't there for her and it was a deal breaker. Suck it up and deal with it.
All you had to do was hear her out and you wouldn't be in this mess but you were too selfish to do so.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 December 2016):
 You are still making all this about you. Guess what? YOU didn't have to go through the physical and emotional pain SHE did. You didn't even want to hear about it.
Give her some time and space and either she will be less HURT in a while or she will realize that you two are not a good match because you can not give her what she needs.
I just don't think you understand what she just went through. Not even a tiny bit, you are busier feeling sorry for yourself than having sympathy for her and what went through and is STILL going through.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe broke up with me. I know what i did was a mistake.. but overall i was good to her. She is not willing to listen anything. She said i would rather be alone than to be with a robot.She is very mean right now..i am not even able to recognize this girl..it seems like she lost all her emotions.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 December 2016):
She needed you to hear her out - you being an introvert doesn't affect that. Nobody expects to lose a baby, but if you're in a sexual relationship, you need to be prepared for the possibility and at least be mature enough to support her.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 December 2016):
I don't deal with serious conversations about feelings well either but your gf lost a baby for God sake and you couldn't even let her vent her feelings?
You're right, you are paying the price. Hopefully she finds someone who can comfort her when she needs it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2016):
I'm an introvert too, but holding someone or just LISTENING is not that hard.
It's not a good excuse to not give her the support she NEEDS.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut i am an introvert.Its very hard for me to express my feelings. I am paying price of being an introvert..i care about her but i am not good with words.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): I feel so sorry for your girlfriend, I really do. It's a shame that when she needed you the most, you abandon her and make it about you. What woman would play mind games when she's obviously grieving the loss of her child? What woman would do that? How can you be so cruel and indifferent? You don't deserve to have her in your life, and I don't blame her for not talking to you. I hope you don't push the next girl away and maybe it was for the best that this happened so your girlfriend won't be stuck with a man like you for the rest of her life.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 December 2016):
You fucked up here big time. She couldn't of been more clear with what she wanted and you shunned her when she needed you most.
I think it's shown her the insensitive guy you are and she's decided that she doesn't need you in her life anymore.
Just because you don't know how to deal with emotion you need to at least try. You gf LOST a chold. Probably the worst pain you could go through as a human and you made her deal with it alone.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (12 December 2016):
Are you for real? You think she's playing mind games with you after you royally fucked up her life? Do you really not see what you put her through? And do you also realize that if she takes a drastic step in a moment of desperation them you would be behind bars in NO time?
It's so easy for a man to escape reality. Nature really is terribly unkind to women. Why does the woman have to go through all this pain when you're both equally responsible? Do you even see what she's thinking, that if she even marries someone else now, it'd be so difficult for her to hide the miscarriage. You can move on to some unsuspecting girl chosen by mummy-daddy who'll have no idea of your past while your girlfriend will probably never be able to lead a normal life again. You basically ruined her life and you're accusing HER of playing games with you! *Clap, clap, clap!!*
If I were in her place, I'd make sure you pay for this through your nose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): If you're not mature enough to be able to console your girlfriend after such a devastating loss, you aren't mature enough for a relationship.If tears scare you to the point where you can't say anything, then don't get involved with another woman, or think you are anywhere near mature enough to father a child. So, if you do have sex in the future, wear protection. You can't see that your actions are enough to make her want to stop contact with you. Instead you think she is playing mind games. Why on earth would she want to carry on a relationship with someone who has just let her down so badly? All of your post points to the fact that you are emotionally immature or maybe you are on the autism spectrum because you don't seem to be able to 'feel' for the other person. Work on yourself before you hurt someone like this again would be my advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2016):
She isn't playing mind games. She TOLD you exactly what she NEEDED from you. And you "dismissed" it and told her the less said the better... Yes, maybe BETTER for you, but not her.
SHE was PREGNANT! Carrying YOUR child. She was UNMARRIED and had to go through the SHAME of your culture and see a doctor when she started to miscarriage.
I know men don't understand HOW it feels to be pregnant, how it FEELS to LOSE that child (whether she WANTED to be a mother or not) it's is still a HUGE loss. Emotionally & physically. She is grieving that loss, she is overwhelmed by the hormones (yes certain hormones are increased during pregnancy and those hormones makes us bond with the unborn fetus - WHETHER we want to continue the pregnancy, whether we rationally KNOW it's not a good idea to HAVE a kid at that time OR if the miscarriage is happening due to problems with the fetus or the mom.
YOU should have MADE the choice to SEE her in person. Talking on the cellphone and expecting her to be happy with the little crumbs you toss her? Are you serious?
She NEEDED YOU to step up and be there, put your arm around her shoulder and let her know it's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad, it will BE OK, SHE will be OK.
And what did she get? Not a darned thing.
That FETUS that died INSIDE her body was YOURS. And while YOU don't have to deal with the physical side and maybe it's hard to understand what she is going through and went through, the LEAST you can do is lend a should AND an ear. Not some dismissive texts. Does the whole notion of HER getting pregnant affect you at all? Other than your GF doesn't want to talk now?
I can understand why she shut her phone off. She is ALL over the place with her grief and emotions and you are about as useless as a partner as a doorknob.
GO see her. OR let her go.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 December 2016):
I'm assuming your gender on the site is wrong?
She's not playing games; she's hurt and you've made it worse by not giving her the emotional support she needs. You've totally messed up and need to stop making it about you and telling her to calm down. Just call her and leave a voicemail: "Jenny, I'm so sorry I haven't been more understanding; I'm not sure how to deal with this. I want to be here for you, though, so I will listen and you can try to tell me how you'd like me to support you".
Keep it short and simple - *ask* her what she needs from you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 December 2016):
 When she needed your support, you let her down BIG TIME. It took two of you to create this baby and, whether intentional or not, she was its mother and affected by the loss very deeply whereas you, on the other hand, were just relieved to be rid of the inconvenience. Your poor girlfriend has suffered a double loss: the loss of her child and the loss of a relationship she thought she had. She has probably realised that, when the chips are down, she cannot rely on you for support, which is totally useless in a long-term partner.
Although there were two of you in this, she went through it alone because you could not even bring yourself to listen to her when she just needed to be heard. All you needed to do was listen and say "I am so sorry. I wish I was with you so I could hold you." I am hoping the only reason you reacted as you did was because you did not know any other way to react, not that you couldn't be bothered supporting her or that you didn't care enough for her to give her what SHE needed.
This girl really does deserve better. If you can't step up and be a proper man, let her go and find someone who can give her what she needs. If she gives you a second chance, stop being so cold and give a thought to her needs.
And if you are having a sexual relationship and don't want babies, ESPECIALLY in a culture where sex outside marriage is frowned up, USE CONTRACEPTION. Do not put another poor woman through what you have just put your girlfriend through.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 December 2016):
 She is not playing mind games, she has stopped communicating with you because each time she lets you know she needs you to talk with her you shut her up.
Having an abortion, and ESPECIALLY in a country where pre marital sex is frowned upon is not something any woman should go through alone ..... and you couldn't even let her talk about it to ease her feelings of loneliness ....
her silence is totally understandable, she has been let down by the person who should be the most supportive.
Your attitude is one of unfeeling disdain, and she deserves a lot more support than you are giving her.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 December 2016):
She is not playing mind games, she has stopped communicating with you because each time she lets you know she needs you to talk with her you shut her up.
Having an abortion, and ESPECIALLY in a country where pre marital sex is frowned upon is not something any woman should go through alone ..... and you couldn't even let her talk about it to ease her feelings of loneliness ....
her silence is totally understandable, she has been let down by the person who should be the most supportive.
Your attitude is one of unfeeling disdain, and she deserves a lot more support than you are giving her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way i am a male.
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