A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been together going on two years, we're pretty serious about each other and are planning on moving in together after I finish my Foundation degree next year.We're both 18 and we've been in a long distance relationship for four months as he's moved off to Uni and I am stuck in my hometown doing a degree. Before uni we saw each other every day and over christmas we did too. We also visit each other once every two weeks as we live 3 hours away from each other.Throughout our relationship he has been the best guy. He has been thoughtful, kind and funny. We rarely have had arguments and if we had any quarrels they would be solved easily through compromise or talking about it.But this last week has been utter HELL, I get that he has exams and I have essays too but we still need to focus and concentrate on each other. However, he seems to think differently and just seems distant. When we talk online he responds with yeah and maybe and whatever and when it isn't that it is a sentence or two that just gives the impression he doesn't give a crap. And when he isn't doing that he spends the whole day with his flatmates and then at 1am he'll come and talk to me on skype and will barely talk. And when I ask him why he tells me that he is just tired. I have told him that I feel neglected and I have told him that we need to sort things out but everytime he just says sorry and he doesn't seem to learn from it. For instance today, he has an exam tomorrow and I waited until 11pm to talk to him and while we were talking he decided to do some revision. Now I believe that when we skype we should be talking face to face and concentrating fully on eachother so that we can still bond and communicate over the distance. He does know all about how I want to talk on Skype. So I asked him not to do his revision and concentrate on me as I had been waiting all day, and it ended in a 30-40 minute argument. We then made up and had a few laughs and got back to normal and then after 10 mins he started revising again. And then I called him out on it and asked why he was and he said that he didn't think of it as a big deal. We then again got over it and had a few laughs and after 5 mins he was like, i'm tired and I need to go to bed. He told me he loved me and would talk to me later. But I am certain he is just hanging out with his friends as I heard them over skype asking him to join in with them. It has been like this for over a week and it really isn't like us. I feel really lonely and really unloved. I'm seeing him on Wednesday and I do love him with all my heart but I'm really not sure that I can handle us arguing and being this distant from each other. And I don't think I should be treated this way. I don't really have many friends as the people in college all like to go clubbing and getting drunk and I prefer sitting at home watching Grand designs. I guess I'm a bit old for my age.I guess what I want to know is are there any LDR couples with advice on how to get over this and get over the loneliness of being without them. And should I throw away our two years or battle through this and hope it is just a phase.
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christmas, clubbing, drunk, flatmate, his ex, long distance, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 Oh...and u never ask a man to concentrate on you. He should just do so..if he doesnt, he probably has other issues on his mind.just excuse urself and tell him u will talk to him later....No hard feelings. Then he will probably think "hmm she went away...next time ill be more attentive". BE SMART WITH MEN. they dont operate like women.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (23 January 2012):
U need to stop acting like a woman men want to avoid.....Your boyfriend needs some time ALONE so he can study. give him that time without busting his b@lls please. Otherwise he will look at you as a RESPONSIBILITY ....when right now he has OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES = STUDYING. and for gods sake, get some friends and enjoy ur college life. years later, ull be too old to have fun like this. go to parties and don't expect ur boyfriend to give his FULL ATTENTION to you. when u do see him DO NOT START A CONVERSATION WITH HIM ABOUT THE PAST WEEK.Meet him with a smile and a kiss and say ur sorry u pressured him this past week while he was trying to concentrate on exams. give him a big hug AND CHANGE THE TOPIC. Do not drag it on. Ur just talking and talking and all he hears is BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA. RELAX and ENJOY ur life.
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 I would just wait until both of you are through the exam period. Don't try and fight with him, because you both don't need any added stress. If you know he has a test the next few days, leave him be and let him study, and go do your own thing. Trust me, things will be okay. All couples go through rough patches. Its these times that count, these times that show you that you two can really make it as a team.
I am in an LDR, but neither of us are in school at the moment (I start in Feb). My boyfriend just started a full time job last monday and has barely had time to talk to me. We try to make it work. Yes, I miss him. But I'm not going to pick fights with him because I understand he is tired and I know he misses me too. We make the best of what we have. I keep myself occupied doing things I enjoy when he's either sleeping or at work. It helps to stay busy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 January 2012):
 You need to CHILL out babe.
it's been a lousy WEEK.... try doing this for MONTHS on end.
While some of us can multi-task easily many folks need to focus ON ONE THING... that would be EXAMS for your man.
His goals are for the future while yours are in the here and now... and you are being selfish.
There will be times later on down the road when you LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE as your partner (either living together or married) and you will feel LONELY.... maybe it's the playoffs, or he's busy with a project, or you have things going on and time is limited... there are days I say to my guy "I miss you" and we've been sleeping in the same bed and eating at the same table but our intimate (not sexual) connection has taken a back seat to the daily events of paying the bills, painting the walls, cleaning the basement and going to work....
We spent the first year of our relationship two hours apart by car... we never had that day to day closeness till later on.... give him some room and space and let him study and do well so later on your life together can be great....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 No. He does not " need " to focus on his r/ship right now. He needs to focus on his exams, on his revision, on everything he's got to do right now to shape his future . He is studying to get into a career, the career will stay with him in his future, the 18 y.o. gf maybe yes , maybe not.
He is doing the right choices and it's wrong of you interfering because you can't handle staying ONE week sort of on your own . Sort of, because he is not abandoning you nor avoiding you, he just is temporarily putting his energy into more pressing matters.
IF this should become a long term trend, then you may start getting worried. But in the current circumstances- exams coming up and just one week of less contact- you are
being too demanding and self centered.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): I am in a long Distance relationship and they are really hard, sometimes there is other stuff going on in life and you just can't put all your focus into it, that's part of life. He has exams, give him a break and get off his back! Exams are more important at the moment that talking to you on skype. Your being clingy and unreasonable, say he does what you want, fails his exams because he didn't study, can't get a good job because he doesn't pass his course, and you 2 end up married struggling for the rest of your lives, all because you can't handle one week where his whole focus isn't on you. The only problem I actually see here is that you say you don't have many friends around, so you put all your focus on him, that is far too much pressure on the relationship. Don't end a good relationship because he is taking one week where he is focusing on his exams (which he should be) and not on you, unless you really can't handle long distance at all. Long Distance are hard, the way to get through them is to have hobbies, spend time with friends, and not just sit around waiting until you can talk to him again. To be honest though if your ready to give up the relationship after one week where he couldn't give you his complete focus, I doubt that you are committed enough to your boyfriend to handle the distance. just relax a bit and try thinking of how he is feeling not just how you feel and what you want.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 January 2012):
 You say "But this last week has been utter HELL, I get that he has exams and I have essays too but we still need to focus and concentrate on each other."
I say NO. He needs to focus and concentrate on exams and essays, this is his future, you are being unreasonable, you say he knows all about how you want to bond and communicate on skype, but have you ever considered what HE might want .... judging by your reactions to him wanting to do revisions I would guess not.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 January 2012):
 The way to get over and past this is to get off his back. You are being incredibly clingy. I hate to say this phrase but it's one week. Deal with it. If you hope for your relationship to survive you need to be willing to accept that he sometimes needs to focus on schoolwork and can't give you his entire focus. He's being incredibly accommodating by texting and calling at all. It's one week, leave him be, get off his back. There is no problem here. He's not saying he doesn't care or love you, he just needs to put his head down and work. His grades are incredibly important. Giving you less than his all one week won't have any impact on your relationship but giving less than 300% during exams has the potential to torch his grades. Your boyfriend is not treating you badly at all. I'd question your commitment if just giving you less attention for one week with a very good reason is enough for you to consider ending things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): He has exams and its selfish of you to expect him not to study or do his work so he can spend time with you. His exams grades shape his future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): I havent seen my boyfriend for longer than that hun... and I know how you feel. But I think in this case you are being selfish. You are asking him to compromise on something that he HAS to do, something he NEEDS to do... its not the same as asking him not to watch a football game, and to talk to you instead... you asked him not to do his revision and to talk to you instead... Imagine the stress he must feel about you... the one who should support him... asking him to do that instead.
Exams dont last forever. Try to be patient... joke about it, tell him you are keeping a tally sheet about how much time he owes you and has to catch up on because you miss him so much. After his exams are over, it will be better.
In the long run... you want him to get a good job right? ... He needs to do well in school, exams are crucial for grades... Try to understand
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): You should calm down and stop acting so needy because he will run a mile,just relax you only been together 4 months,let him miss you,so means don't call him or message him,let him come to you. You do seem like he's the only thing you got and that's not a healthy way to live. And yes am in a different town and so is my boyfriend so it's a long distance relationship but it works because you have to give the other person space aswell. I guess I use to be a bit like you when my boyfriend didn't call me or was too tired id get angry lol and just start on him for silly things. Also am sure he's exams are important to him so he can get a good job when he finishes school uni...you should be happy he's doing that. I really don't see what the problem is here,only that your needy and need constant attention. You need to stop being like that as it puts guys off.
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