A
female
age
30-35,
*olaCherryCola
writes:I am a 24 year old woman living in my state capital working as an AmeriCorps*VISTA. I have no health insurance, no money, and no close family except an aging set of grandparents who live in my hometown, about an hour away. In October (3 months ago), I moved out of my apartment I shared with my partner and moved in with a friend from college. I had been with my partner for nearly two years, and after having lived together for a year and a half, knew that he was not the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I loved him, but I felt like the relationship had grown entirely one-sided. We rarely interacted and if we did, it was to order food (it was impossible for me to cook in our tiny kitchen) or to ask if we had checked the mail. We never really talked about anything important to us, and moved in together in a hurry when my prior living situation turned sour. It was time to go. As my relationship came to a close, I started to develop feelings for a relatively new friend. We had met almost two years earlier when he was interning somewhere I was volunteering, but we were both dating other people. At the end of the summer, we crossed paths again over the same issue we were both working on when we met, and began working together on various educational events and frequently saw each other at meetings (often more nights a week than I saw my partner with whom I was living, because he was never home). After I ended my relationship, my friend asked me out. I was on cloud nine.The first two months were like a dream. I couldn't get any higher. Even when things outside of our relationship were awful (my grandma had a stroke; my cat who was living with another relative had to be put down due to kidney failure; my car was in and out of the shop and cost several hundred dollars in repairs), I knew that my new relationship was a place of joy, passion, and sanctuary. We clicked. We were perfect. We were golden. His every touch was like electricity. The sex was amazing -- beyond amazing. The best either of us had ever had. I was incredibly sensitive to his touch. Our emotional, physical, and sexual connections were in perfect harmony, and all of the joy and love we felt for each other with our clothes on translated to fireworks with our clothes off. There were some complications, initially -- I had the ParaGard IUD that caused an unpleasant side effect that I had not bothered to have removed because I had not been sleeping with my previous partner, and that caused frustration and a little bit of shame. My partner was also sexually insecure. Fortunately, we're both very sex-positive and caring, and we worked through his issues and I made an appointment to have my IUD removed.Things changed dramatically when we went to Chicago for a weekend for a conference on a subject we are both passionate about. I began thinking, during the course of the weekend, about how much of what we were discussing was just intellectual masturbation. How much we cared didn't matter, if everyone at this conference was still debating tactics and even the very issue itself. I felt like it was too late to change the world. If you've read any Vonnegut, it reminded me of the Kilgore Trout story about the two yeast discussing the meaning of life, eating sugar, and drowning in their own excrement while unbeknownst to them they were making champagne. We are yeast drowning in our own excrement, and instead of champagne, we are making the end of the human race as we know it.When we returned fro Chicago, I had a really bad night. I couldn't sleep. I kept imagining getting up and going for a walk in the snow and just disappearing. I wanted to stop existing. My normal zeal and zest for life, as well as my libido, stopped.December was a rough month for me. My emotions were hit or miss, whether or not I had them. I felt (and still feel) like I was going through the motions of living. I no longer cared about things that I'm passionate about. The best part of the month was my holiday break. I stayed a week with my grandparents. My new partner is from a city about an hour away from my hometown, so we met up several times. I met his mother and sister, he met my grandparents. Things seemed to be sorting themselves out. I even cried about missing my parents, who have been gone from my life for four years now. I cried about missing my ex-partner's family, who had become a part of my life the last two years, and whose warmth and happiness had become familiar to me.We both returned to the city where we live for New Year's. My best friend from college came to visit and stay with us. I could still feel my zest for life slipping away. I love my best friend, but I felt like my laughter was empty and my hugs mechanical. I couldn't connect with her in any real way, even as we gossiped and talked as we used to when we were in school.The polar vortex hit and left my partner and I stranded at his house for several days. During a time that we should have been passionately keeping each other warm, I felt blank. My emotions were, and are, muted. I laugh, but it seems instinctual or forced. I cry, but it's so muted. My most frequent, and most strongly felt, emotion is frustration that I've finally found the most perfect person , someone who is so loving, caring, attractive, and wonderful, someone with whom I click completely, someone I could see myself marrying, and I feel nothing for him. Or anyone, for that matter, but it's most affecting my relationship with him. It's not fair to him that I'm no longer attracted to him, no longer in love with him, no longer interested in the activities we did together that made me so happy before. The world is incredibly boring to me. I have little or no appetite. I don't care about anything. I'm cognitively aware of my frustrations, of my relationships, of my position in the world, which keeps me from doing or saying anything that would truly jeopardize what I have.I just want to be as happy and in love (and in lust!) as I was two months ago. I want to have feelings and passion for my partner again. He's the man of my dreams, if I had ever allowed myself to dream that I could be with someone as amazing as he is. But as I type that now, it feels empty and hollow. I've said it before out loud and meant it.I've never felt this way before. I can't imagine living the next 70 years of my life feeling this way. What's wrong with me?
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best friend, insecure, libido, money, moved in, moved out, my ex, no longer attracted Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 January 2014):
 Anhedonia.
What you have described is called anhedonia in psychiatry.
The inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found pleasurable ,like sexual relationships, social/affective interactions and recreational/intellectual pursuits, and / or the inability to find a motivation to engage in said activities.
It's often present in major depressive episodes, and other mood and mental health disorders.
Have you seen a psychiatrist yet ? One year sounds like a long time to go through all this all by yourself .
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): Try seeing a doctor about your depression. All this disillusionment comes from a dark place, that wasn't always there.
You may be suffering from mental illness; and this sudden gloomy observation of life isn't healthy. I sense there are more details being left out about something you've experienced. However; it has certainly taken a serious toll on your psychological health.
See your doctor soon! Please!
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A
female
reader, LolaCherryCola +, writes (15 January 2014):
LolaCherryCola is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just think I realized that nothing actually matters. All of human existence, celebration and suffering is really inconsequential. I don't care about advancing in my career, finding work that is more fulfilling, helping others, loving or being loved. None of it matters. Every day is one day closer to death, whether it's filled with love and happiness or not. There is no point in living, and even if I can half-convince myself that well, even if there isn't a point in living I still am, so I may as well enjoy it...I still lose all interest in continuing.
I wish I could forget that life wasn't pointless, or remember what made it really worth living.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (13 January 2014):
Dear OP,
I've been going through several depressive episodes in my life and your post just sounds like a good description of what happened to me.
You feel like life has no more meaning and you feel numb, unable to love, unable to care. Unable to give anything.
It's a horrible feeling, or absence of feeling.
To me, it sounds like you're a very sensitive and social person with high ideals and a lot of curiosity and passion. That's why you were so frustrated lately, about being stuck at a boring job, about meeting for a conference that wouldn't have much effect. The yeast story is a very brutal metaphor for what you experienced there, but it's a very good illustration of your feelings.
There's many theories about depression, but one I particularly embrace, because it explains my own problems, is that depression arises when you're faced with an overwhelming inner conflict. The mountain seems too big to climb, the dreams you have seem to never come true.. and that's where depression kicks in. It's like a last safety net for your sanity, because it numbs you, because it takes away the desperation and replaces it with disinterest, takes away the energy you're afraid you'll have to spend in vain, takes away the love and passion that you're afraid will break your heart.
My advice would be to be very gentle to yourself right now. What do you need? That's an important question here. How can you recharge your batteries? And in the long run, maybe you can find and resolve the inner conflict I suspect you have. Maybe you even want to see a therapist about it. But first, be your own best friend and do everything you can to heal yourself. Try to find things that make you feel better, and do them daily. Like, having a walk outside. Eating healthy food. You don't have to enjoy it right away, just try to get yourself to do it anyway.
And tell your boyfriend you love him, but you're not well right now Appreciate his help but also give him some time off, so he can charge his batteries, too.
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A
female
reader, LolaCherryCola +, writes (13 January 2014):
LolaCherryCola is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind post. I should have also mentioned that I work at a desk job that is incredibly boring and unfulfilling. I've previously worked as an AmeriCorps State volunteer with homeless youth, which was a more difficult job but also left me unfulfilled due to the bureaucracy I had to deal with at the administrative level. Retail and admin jobs also bore me to death.
I was fortunate to have a long holiday break this year; however, as I mentioned above, it was really only bearable during the time that I was at home (which would be unbearable for longer than a week, I'm sure).
I should add that I had my IUD removed the day before we left for Chicago -- it's been nearly a month and a half. I had the horrible thing for almost a year.
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A
female
reader, LolaCherryCola +, writes (13 January 2014):
LolaCherryCola is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind post. I should have also mentioned that I work at a desk job that is incredibly boring and unfulfilling. I've previously worked as an AmeriCorps State volunteer with homeless youth, which was a more difficult job but also left me unfulfilled due to the bureaucracy I had to deal with at the administrative level. Retail and admin jobs also bore me to death.I was fortunate to have a long holiday break this year; however, as I mentioned above, it was really only bearable during the time that I was at home (which would be unbearable for longer than a week, I'm sure).I should add that I had my IUD removed the day before we left for Chicago -- it's been nearly a month and a half. I had the horrible thing for almost a year.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): correction: I meant to say in the last line of my advice
to say:
... to continue to function without it effecting your psychological health.
I've read a lot about adverse and toxic reactions to certain IUD's. That is my main concern, and I do hope you don't delay looking into that. I don't wish to alarm you. It's just not something you put off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): Hopefully you've been in touch with your gynecologist, and general practitioner regarding your IUD; and you've scheduled for a complete physical. You sound like you are suffering early symptoms of depression.
The feelings of malaise following a series of stressful events, certainly comes as no surprise. You're simply bummed out, my dear. Car problems, financial woes, global warming, and a touch of cynicism has taken it's toll on your psyche.
No matter how upbeat you may be characteristically, all people will feel it sooner or later. There is no getting around the dreads and woes of daily living. You've been involved in the same type of work and social surroundings since college. It sounds like you need a different line of work; and you need to change your living environment.
It may be what you've chosen; but it doesn't sound like it's yielding the expected rewards. In fact, it sounds like it's bringing you down.
You aren't really in the best line of work for carrying on relationships; because you often work in environmental conditions that are taxing and emotionally draining.
If you working Americorp Vista, you are working to help the disadvantaged; and people in dire circumstances. It is compassionate and fulfilling work; but it is also quite stressful. All personalities don't fare well under such heavy socioeconomic turmoil; without some collateral damage.
You're a very young person who lost her parents, and you see the worst of everything on a daily basis. It will start to get to you.
You're starting to develop a sense hopelessness; and take a dim view of things. It's starting to translate into your own life situation. That means it's time to incorporate some upbeat activity; to energize and revitalize your own life condition. You need a long break.
Taking on the world can be a lofty task. You've put your youth aside to save others in harsh and unsavory environments. You read about and see human suffering all day and everyday. You see what needs fixing, and experience firsthand the frustration of those who have lives that seem hopeless and pathetic.
You're starting to desensitize in the wrong places. Maybe you need some time away. Mostly you need to see a doctor to get that physical exam. To make sure there is no toxic reaction to the IUD effecting your health and mood.
Don't put off your health. There is no excuse for lack of healthcare these days. So if you've avoided seeing a doctor due to no health insurance; please do not delay in securing healthcare insurance and taking care of your health.
Most young people forgo their health thinking they'll never get sick. I think your issues are health-related; and should not be neglected or ignored. I also think you are under too much stress; to continue to function without it affection your psychological health.
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