A
male
age
30-35,
*91
writes:This is a question to the females of DC....Now, a while back I was very interested in a girl, we had been friends for a little while and I told her that I wanted to be more than that - however, she told me that she didn't want a bf, so I was pretty crushed as you'd expect (I know there's the whole excuse of using that line meaning I don't want YOU as a bf). If this was a legitimate answer.....My question to you is what are the main reasons why you wouldn't want a bf? Doesn't every girl want to be loved by someone and have a guy that they can call there own?And if you're in this situation, what can a guy do to sweep you off your feet?Thanks so much for your help.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 January 2012):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yeah, I understand. This was a pretty stupid question really, it's all down to chemistry and if there is nothing there, then nothings going to develop.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHahaha, thanks so much guys, this has made me feel so much better.
Looking back, I don't know what I ever saw in her, I gave her pretty much everything she could want in a bf and she wasn't interested and she's not using me as a shoulder to cry on when she dates someone worse than me.
I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens - I'll update this or let you know by pm if anything new develops!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Or, answer her with Bob Dylan's words, lol :
it ain't no use in callin out my name ,gal
like you never did before
it ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
I can't hear you anymore
I ain't saying you trated me unkind
you could done better but I don't mind
you just kinda wasted my precious time
but don't think twice, it's allright.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 September 2011):
 please don't fall into the trap again! its clear that her new guy is not treating her as good as she thinks she deserves so she comes back to good old YOU to boost her confidence, give her attention, give the boyfriend something to worry about, all that sort of stuff. maybe she is not happy with him and is looking to finish with him but wants to line someone up ready to go to (lucky you!)
x
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaven't really had much of an argument for a while, had an in depth chat with her about it all about a week ago though.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt probably came about 2-3 weeks after things broke down (i.e me telling her that I liked her) we had a few arguments and stuff over it.
On saturday night she was speaking to me by bbm on my phone, she said she's going to call me, I told her not to because I was in a busy bar and couldn't hear and she replied with something along the lines of 'you used to answer :( '
That's the same night she kept telling me to come and see her and speak to her. If I'm gonna be honest, she's a really good looking girl and could have pretty much anybody that she wanted.
I've also spoken to my sister about it and told her what's gone on and stuff and she told me that the new guy is apparently 'a bit of an ass, who thinks he's a player'.
Yes, I completely agree, what she does now is no concern of mine, I'll continue to be polite and hold conversation for as long as she likes, but I won't actively be seeking her attention as I don't care for it anymore.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 September 2011):
So is she contacting you again ?
I can offer you 3 guesses :
- she feels a bit guilty for having hurt you and by showing friendliness she quiets her conscience
- she's getting tired of her current bf and wants to know if you'd be available as a placeholder between this guy and the next. Some women just won't jump without a net :)
- she is a narcissistic type who can't stand when people withdraw their attention from her. She knows or senses that you moved on, and she does not like it.
Of course these are guesses, the real reason could be another. But, after all, what goes through her mind now is her problem only, not yours anymore.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, yeah I agree, back then I definitely was a love sick puppy that clinged to her every word and would've done pretty much anything for her.
But I tired after a while and don't really care for her anymore, just want to know what the dealio is behind this contact if she's moved on.
I mean, if you're happy with someone else, you wouldn't go back to check on someone that you rejected right?
And like you said, won't even entertain the thought of a FWB again, because someone is going to get hurt in it 9 times out of 10.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 September 2011):
Ah slightly different then. Then, she WAS definitely feeding you a line, an old time-honoured one.
You are the female equivalent of all those candid female souls that write to DC every day : " He always calls me for sex- .. this must mean he likes me, doesn'it ? .... then if he likes me why he does not want to date me ?"..
Because the very fact you have been chosen as FWB means per se that they are not that into you, that you have been already pre-selected as " not relationship material ". Good... in small doses only. FWBs and regular partners are like two completely different career tracks , the first never - well, at least very very very seldom, - gets upgraded to the second . It's like soldiers and officers, you can be an awesome, excellent, great private who kills dozens of enemies- they may give you a gold medal, they may let you shake hands with the President,... but they are never going to make you a general .
Live and learn. Someone who really appreciates you- or at least who's willing to give you a real, fair chance- will never want you for casual sex ONLY.
For the future... stay clear of FWBs,- at least if there's a chance you may fall for the girl, and if you are not 100% sure that basically you don't give a damn .
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks angel, hearing stuff like that always makes me feel better.
Yeah, that's why I thought there was something there, she's told me personally that she thinks I'm attractive, also told my sister when she was drunk lol
I think I was being really naive to be honest, to be fair, she told me at the start she didn't want a bf (something else I didn't mention to you guys!), and I stupidly got in way too deep, trying to change her mind, an obviously didn't.
It's just her behaviours leave me really confused.
I'm not trying to create some sob story or something here, just wanted some viewpoints, that's all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): I think alot of girls now days aren't actively seeking a bf, so they aren't worried about being alone and single and panicking about it...but they remain open minded about the idea. It can be alittle more unusual for someone to say they never want to be in a relationship ever, but that still happens as welldeciding to get into a relationship or go on a date often depends on the person and the situation at the time.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 September 2011):
ah, i didn't know you were ever fwb so, that means you were not one of these guys that she would just see as a friend but with no attraction then! well, its good that you've moved on and you are not doing what she wants, when she wants anymore. sometimes we meet people and for whatever reason, they are just not right for us but then we find someone else who we think is everything and often there is no common sense involved in our decisions. you will meet a girl i'm sure who will think you are her everything :)
x
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for those answers,
Angel - I'm not really too fussed about this girl anymore, she was a very hard person to read, I've moved on, not really bothered whether I speak to her again or not...she has a bf (well, pretty much does) now so I'm happy she has what she wants - However she stills contacts me, tells me I'm ignoring her and being a d**k with her (she was out celebrating her birthday on Saturday and kept texting me telling me to come and meet her and talk to her, which I kinda ignored, she doesn't have the hold over me that she used to) which I think is unusual to say we're only friends, can't imagine her doing that to any other male friends.
I don't really think that's fair on me, considering I've gotten over her, she knows I fell for her and fell for her hard, but she expects me to still be a good friend to her and I don't think I can be, at least not to the extent that it used to be as I don't want to develop feelings for her again when she's not willing to commit - Especially now she has a bf and is happy as that'd be stringing me along and making a fool out of me as I can't get what I want when she already has it.
I didn't really give a huge background on this girl, but to give you a bit more info, we used to be FWB, where I decided I wanted more and told her I liked her, from then on things got awkward and never really recovered (She's one of my sisters best friends and I met her through my sister introducing us).
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 September 2011):
its fine for someone to not want a boyfriend, especially if they have a history of bad relationships or they see friends and family members in bad relationships it shows them that having a boyfriend is sometime just more hard work and problematic! the fact that you are friends with this girl sort of makes me think that she doesn't want YOU as a boyfriend. you are in whats called 'the friend zone' and the way some people let a friend who wants more down gently is by telling them 'i don't want a boyfriend'
if you are set on trying to sweep her off her feet anyway though there is no definite answer to this because you better than anyone here knows the girl. some girls respond well to charm and flattery, some find it really off-putting. some girls love compliments, some are really uncomfortable with it, some like to be spoilt and will respond well, others will take you for all they can get and dump you anyway. you could carry on being a friend to her and she may realise you are the one for her, or she may grow so accustomed to you as a friend that she will never see you as anything but a friend. impossible to say and there is no guarantee with any of it
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): I don't want a boyfriend because I am a strong, independent and self-sufficient girl. I feel like a complete person on my own. I think it is so pathetic that 99.99% of girls are so obsessed with guys. If I happened to fall in love then it would make sense to have that guy be my boyfriend. But thinking there is an empty "boyfriend" role in my life and looking for a guy, any guy to feel it in is stupid. I'd never date some random guy just so I would have a boyfriend. The only problem is the society, which expects everybody to pair up, and I hate being the weird one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Sure it's a legitimate reason!
She may want a bf in the future, but doesn't mean she wants one right NOW.
or maybe she doesn't want a bf because she had a bad previous experience and doesn't want to get hurt again anytime soon.
or maybe she was being polite in saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, specifically. You may be a really nice guy but maybe she doesn't feel a chemistry with you.
you're assuming that any girl should want to be in a relationship with any guy who is offering it. Um, no, doesn't work that way. It has to be the right guy and the right time.
sure there are women (and men) who are afraid of being alone and would rather be with someone, anyone, than be alone. These people actually make bad partners and you want to stay away from such women because they have low self esteem and a messed up view of relationships, treating relationships and bfs as objects to soothe their insecurities, and if they are only with you because it's better than being alone, then they will probably dump you the minute they can find someone better.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes KC you're completely right, she is kinda seeing some other guy, I doubted her answer at the time and she's pretty much confirmed it. She was a hard person to read and she still confuses me to this day with how she acts around me.
I've moved on though and don't have feelings for her anymore - just looking at the variety of outcomes of what it could of been and just the thought process in what the female goes through when telling a guy that she doesn't want a bf, whether its 100% true or just an easy tactic to get rid of someone that you don't like.
Thanks everyone
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for those answers - not taken personally at all celtic, I'm not going to be to everyones taste!
Cindy, that's a very good point, no good trying to change myself to make someone like me, they have to want me for the very reason that I am who I am! - somehow I stupidly overlook this point, when its the most obvious one.
Thankyou!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 September 2011):
 To be honest it is unlikely this was a legitimate answer, sorry to say. This is a VERY common excuse for a girl (or guy) to use when they are not interested in someone but dont want to hurt their feelings. So it was easier for her to say to you that she wasnt looking for a boyfriend rather than come out with it and say "sorry I'm just not interested in you".
I am 99% certain that will be the truth, and I bet in the following weeks or months you will find out she has a new boyfriend, and that will suck - but it will confirm that she simply wasnt interested in you.
But if you are really certain she was being honest by saying she doesnt want a boyfriend and you need to know why a girl wouldnt want a boyfriend, here are some possible reasons for you:
1. She had come out of a relationship recently and needed time alone
2. She isnt looking for committment right now and she has a lot of other things going on in her life
3. Similar to the above - she is too busy to have a boyfriend right now
4. She has been hurt in the past and doesnt want to get involved with someone again
5. She is happy the way she is right now and doesnt want her situation to change
6. She doesnt feel ready to have a boyfriend
The list could go on and on...but having a boyfriend is hard work and for both men and women, sometimes it is nice to take some time out from relationships and be single. Relationships create drama, even the best ones there are still arguments, visits with family you dont want to go to, time you have to give up to dedicate to that other person....relationships are hard work, they take a lot of time and effort.
Being single isnt a bad thing, and not everyone is so needy and insecure that they need a relationship 24/7 to feel happy. I have been single for 2 months and I'm very happy right now, I dont feel the need to have a man in my life. I have been on a few dates but I dont really want any more than that unless someone amazing came along and blew me away.
I think I will happily remain single until that amazing guy comes along - I dont want a relationship just for the sake of it, yes I want to be loved one day but I have plenty of people around me who love me, as silly as this sounds I love myself, so I dont 'NEED' love from a man. If love from a man comes along then great, it will be an added bonus, but I am happy as I am now, man or no man in my life.
Love is wonderful, but it is also painful and all-consuming. Keep in mind that not everyone needs love from a romantic partner and people can be happy being single, it is not a bad thing!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Well I know it's a rarer reason but I'm asexual. I have absolutely no desire at all to be in a relationship. I'm very happy in my own company and I acually don't need to feel loved in that way or to have a guy to 'call my own'. Something which a lot of men who've liked me in the past have had great trouble understanding.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 September 2011):
They want a guy they can call their own, but it can't be any guy, even any nice guy- they want someone they can fall truly in love with, or at least like A LOT. If there's around nobody striking their fancy or noticeably stirring up something , they'll be quite content to be single and enjoy their life, friends, work, hobbies on their own.
Yes, there are women who dread being alone and think that any man whatsoever is better that no man at all. But luckily, not as many as the chick flics and other shows mentioned by MarieClaire want us to believe.
What this girl told you is both a line and not a line at the same time ; meaning, she is probably in good faith, she is perfectly fine being single and is not motivated to change her status. But I guess if something really , really special ( of course, special in her view ) would pop up on her radar, she could change her mind.
As what you can do, I think, alas, nothing, other that changing the object of your affection. Some posters will tell you to hang in there and that persistence pays and if you keep showing interest she'll come around.... I won't deny some times it's true, obviously a stubborn devotion has its charms. But, I guess it depends from your personality - if it were me, I would not want anybody that I have to convince and cajole into liking me !
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 September 2011):
 As someone who is single and has been single for a while out of choice (and the fact no man wants me - sob!) I think it comes down to the fact that a lot of women don't feel the need to be tied down.
With a boyfriend, comes commitment and whether you like it or not, men need to be looked after. Men need a lot of attention. It takes a lot of effort, time and emotions. Sometimes a girl just wants to take the time for herself. To give all her attention to herself, her work and her family and friends.
Of course we want to be loved. We want to find the love of our life and have a soppy loving relationship, but we would go totally mad if we spent every waking hour looking for that.
The'cool' and 'young' belief that a woman has to have a boyfriend to be happy, and that we will somehow shrivel up and die if we do not have a man in our lives.
But it is perfectly ok to want to be single and enjoy a bit of time alone.
Don't take this personally. :)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 September 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not saying it like I'm the most desireable man to have ever existed, simply looking for womens opinions and views on the subject is all.
Also, I already mentioned the 'not wanting me as a bf' - its not like I can't accept it, this was from months ago and I'm over it.
Like I said, just wanted a females viewpoint...
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