A
female
age
51-59,
*iamine
writes:Question for young women out there (under 30 ideally)I would love to know where and how did you first form your ideas about love and romance? Did you read books, see movies or get your ideas from your parents or friends? How did you expect your boyfriend to act, how did you expect to act? What is the role you see for the man or woman in a relationship and have your experiences lived up to your dreams.Specifically I would like to know, why some women feel ugly if their partner doesn't concentrate on her and only her and sees beauty in other women.. Where does your body image and insecurities come from? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I like the Disney reference, mine was the Little Mermaid, I think Disney shapes us at a young age thinking marriage and being a pretty princess will bring us happiness, plus all of our dreams will come true. Cosmo I only read for the naughty shocking stories, and the new sex positions they always seemingly come up with. Maybe it's those Shape magazines I see on stands in the checkout, seeing Molly Sims, Kristin Davis, or Veronica Bell with ripped abs makes me want that, then curse my lack their of abs. I don't even pick it up to read it...maybe we're just blaming everything else when it's us? But then again we wouldn't feel that way if there were more magazines with size 6-10 models on the cover and not being labeled as plus size. It's just the world's perception of what's beautiful, it started before any of our times then was shaped and molded centuries later to come up with what we have today. Who knows what will be beautiful in centuries to come.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
Miamine is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey.. found similarities at last...
"do all the hard work" (xAx)
Poor, uneducated man or alcoholic who dumps us
"He's just not into you"
Jane Eyre (looks after rude blind man) Scarlett (looks after everything)
V.C Andrews (looks after whole family and tries to cope with mad woman)
Divorce, abuse and bad relationships
Maybe we got perfection disease, life is hard work and we is never ever good enough, but we have to do all the work, we have the duty to bring beauty into the world... sorry folks.. this has been bothering me, so thank you all for your help.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
Miamine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks guys... Glad to have so many response..
Nope, not what I expected, but I should have. Different women with different experiences and realistic expectations of life.. Truly, truly beautiful though...
It's the women's insecurity on the boards that got me thinking. I was wondering if it's the media to blame, romance books, or our faulty self-image. The personal testimonies were the most helpful. Still don't understand why many of these young 20year old things feel so insecure and bad about themselves. I grew up in the 1970s, when women were expected to be feminist and not worry so much about beauty or men.
Here, I see strong women, but maybe that because we've all learned a little and aren't as vulnerable as we were when we were younger..
I can't put the blame on "Beauty and the Beast" or "Jane Eyre" (cause I like them books)... and if it's Cosmo and the fashion stuff (woman's porn) then why do we keep reading it if it makes us feel so bad....
Very interesting, again, I thank you all. Further responses are always welcome.
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A
female
reader, WhateverMovesThee +, writes (9 September 2010):
 For me, it started with Disney's Beauty and the Beast. I always loved books and when he gave Beauty an entire library, I was like, "wow! Look how he makes her happy!" and then, Beauty's saving his life and changing him so much by simply loving him despite everything was amazing to me! When I grew older, I was discouraged by most relationships I saw, men seemed to hurt the women without guilt or remorse and I stayed away from them until I met my first boyfriend who was simply amazing. He still is amazing and we are good friends despite our breaking up after 4yrs. He was the boy I never thought I'd have. Handsome, kind, generous, funny, smart- I used to call him Apollo :p then I learned more about love from early V.C Andrews books, I learned about its hardships, it's pains...And when it came time to date again, I felt scared but ready to take it on. I've never bought into the idea of easy love, but from my earliest influence, I do believe in happy endings :)
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female
reader, xAx +, writes (9 September 2010):
 I'm 18 :)
My body image and insecurities come from how media perceive how women should look like, how good looking women look in magazines and women around me.
Other women may get insecurities from bad relationships with men e.g. them being beaten or constantly told they are fat/ugly.
Did you mean to ask why some women feel ugly even when their boyfriends are constantly giving them compliments?
If so, this is definitely the case for me. At the beginning of our relationship, his compliments flattered me a lot, but now i've got used to them and the meaning has worn off. HOWEVER, if he stopped complimenting me then i would notice and start to feel truely negative towards my looks.
I see beauty in woman because...they have something i consider is good.
I first formed my first ideas about love from my parents and family. My parents married young and divorced when i was 5 years old so now i feel pessimistic towards young love, even when i believe my love for my boyfriend is stronger than what my parents had. Also, most of my family have had a divorce so i don't feel that optimistic about marriage. My ideas of romance formed from reading classical books and watching films.
How i expected my boyfriend to act:
- i always imagined my boyfriend would be one of those guys who carries my heavy books for me :P
- i expected him to make me feel good about myself
- i expected him to comfort me when needed and to put me before his friends, but not family
- i expected him to treat me the same when we're alone and when we're with friends.
I expected/thought that i would act:
- commited to the relationship and not cheat
- shy and wouldn't communicate much.
- do all the hard work
To be honest, i don't believe there's a role for the man and women. I don't expect him to provide the house etc while i be a housewife. I believe it should be equal. Both pay bills, both love eachother as much as we can and treat eachother with respect.
The longer i am in a relationship, the better it gets. Communication is the key. I've been with my boyfriend for over 13 months and we both know what we can and cannot do/what the other person likes/doesn't like = happier relationship. We did break up for about 4 months, but that was very good for our relationship now. We both matured and started to understand ourselves better. Plus, we realised how much we actually loved eachother.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (9 September 2010):
Ideas about love and romance formed as I went along in life and matured. Movies I watched "He's Just Not that Into You" and read the 2 self-help books that followed..they told me I needed to stop being needy and to stop chasing after the wrong guy because all it's doing it preventing me from finding the right one. The right one is out there, who knows how long it will take for him to get to you but you just have to be patient. It really took a long time to figure out what I want because when I got what I thought I wanted in a man it wasn't what I really wanted. My husband is everything I wanted and had been waiting for, marriage isn't what I expected it is a lot of work ,some people make it look so effortless. But it is all well worth it.
Insecurities, who doesn't have them? They come from looking at other women, magazines, media, a lack of sex, trying on the latest trends that don't seem to flatter your shape, looking in the mirror, hearing others talk about what's beautiful, or catching your husband/boyfriend looking at other women. We need to realize we look to but we're just more nonchalant about it. If a partner isn't focusing on his woman whatsoever then why is he with her? Looks change over time, we may be an ugly duckling in our teens then blossom to a swan in our 20s but all that tanning we may pay the price for in our 40s. I see insecurities never going away, we're often our own worst critic we will never be perfect, our butt is too round, we could still stand to lose 10 pounds, is that wrinkles on my forehead, hello botox, plus look at all the stars who are obsessed with getting rid of their insecurities but are only messing themselves further with all that plastic surgery. The hard part is trying to look our best so we feel good but at the same time accepting our body and looks for what it is.
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A
female
reader, banjopicker +, writes (9 September 2010):
Our image of ourselves as females comes from a few places. First, how we are judged by society. Some of us are not the accepted Hollywood image, the beautiful crowd, the Barbie doll image most men want. Unfortunately society judges women on the outer beauty first and inner beauty secondly. Next, the way we are accepted by family and friends has much to do with our self image. And lastly, publications and media.As for your question about feeling ugly... men will always look and sometimes comment, it's their nature. It's rare to find a man that doesn't continue to look even after marriage. If he makes you feel ugly then he's not right for you.As for your question about forming ideas about love and romance, sometimes this comes from the relationships we grew up with. For example, growing up with loving parents that were openly romantic with each other, or just the opposite. Personal experience helps. Learn from your mistakes, know what you want next time around. Know when a relationship is toxic and it's time to get out or when it's worth investing in. The best advice given to me was, "Never invest more than you are willing to loose".As for the dreams, no relationship is perfect. Blending two distinct personalities takes patience and understanding. Romance movies and novels rarely compare with real life, but are fun to watch and read. A long term committed relationship takes a lot of hard work and both must be willing to compromise.As for the roles question, it's all personal. It can be based on your upbringing, your religious beliefs, or your current ecomonic situation. It's different with every couple. Nothing is written in stone saying how it should be. It is however important that you both agree on how you would like it to be. On a personal note, I married the first time for love. He was undereducated, dirt poor, was flirtatious, and din't bring anything to our relationship. I was young and stupid and thought love could conquer all. I was 21 and the marriage last 6 months. I married again at 25 to a man that was highly educated, good looking, had a fantasic career goal, had the same religious values and I thought we would be together forever. After 28 years of marriage and devotion he dumped me for a bar stool and a beer.
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