A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for a little over 4 years, married almost 3 years now. When we are alone together, everything is great. We enjoy each other's company and can chat for hours. However, I know he fits only into one aspect of my life -- he gets along great with my family. As far as introducing him to colleagues or most friends, I am so embarrassed because of the way he acts. I thought it was just a matter of making him aware of this, so after one business dinner I pointed out a story that he definitely should not have told in that company, but as much as he swears he will change, I feel like I'm asking too much and should leave the marriage rather than change the way he is. He doesn't want me to leave, but also makes it clear that while he is willing to filter the stories he tells, he will obviously not be able to change who he is. He gets nervous in front of people he doesn't know well, and either tries to impress them by acting beligerent or stutters, laughs, and makes strange comments that make no sense. When we married, I had just graduated college, and we were never in social situations where this came up, but now I have a career and this is a major deal. To me, this is something that has always gone unsaid; there is a certain way you act around different groups of people (colleagues, acquaintances, close friends, family). My attitude lately is not having a good impact on his self-confidence, I'm sure, and I don't want to drag him through this. He thinks it is a terrible, shallow reason to leave. I think it shows incompatibility that he cannot blend in other social circles. He is not a take-charge husband, and lets me arrange our lives completely, and I think this also has to do with his lack of confidence (that his decisions will be alright with me). I used to think it was great that he was so easy-going, but now it's just irritating that I make every decision because he refuses to. I want to be with a husband I am proud of and proud to show off, and that is confident in himself -- am I justified in leaving because we are incompatible or just plain being shallow?
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male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (13 March 2011):
Yeah, sorry but you do sound kind of shallow as well as a bit immature, notwithstanding your "career". There are other ways to address this without throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Just sayin'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Sorry but I happen to disagree with everyone else. My best friend also left her husband because he was rude and loud and obnoxious every time she took him to a corporate work function.He wouldn't even try to hide it his disgust at having to put on a tie and be there with the people she worked with. And as a result she lost all respect for him. and in my experience once the repect is gone the love dies too.How can you love someone who have lost all respect for?The only difference is that, your husband sounds more anxious then obnoxious, which means he could learn how to conduct himself better in time. If he tried hard enough and you were willing to give him a chance.But you have already messed that up somewhat by critizing him and letting him know how embarrassed you are by him. I think gentle encouragement and coaching should have been attempted first. I don't know where you go from here.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 March 2011):
 Actually, my heart almost breaks for your husband. Apparantly, he was strong enough to date you, propose to you, and marry you.
Think about it this way. You would throw away an obviously great guy because of how he makes YOU look in front of others, and you're letting that soil the entire marriage.
The guy is shy. Why does he have to have anything to do with your career? If these social situations make him too anxious, I'm sure he'd be happy to skip them! He was going to make you happy in the first place I'll bet.
You won't be able to change him. He is a private guy who tends to open up once he's comfortable and knows you, hence the reason why he doesn't act awkward in front of your family.
You can't actively change him, but you know what might work wonders for him?? Being proud that you have such a great husband. If he's awkward, work out some sort of subtle signal beforehand, so if he's putting his foot in his mouth, you can say a special word, or clear your throat, or nudge him or something subtle.
Otherwise, go alone, and you won't have to worry about it. However, you'll find out that there are far worse things to be ashamed up than mere awkwardness. He could have been a raging drunk who ends up making out with one of your co-workers.
I know someone like you who feels so much pressure to look perfect and project the perfect image that they put undue pressure on those around them who might affect them. That literally puts them into anxiety hell.
Think of what would happen when you have kids? Will you be ashamed when they pull you out of work when they're sick, or throw up on you as a baby in a social setting? How about when your kid gets into trouble at school, or as a toddler makes an undignified scene?
You should loosen up. Don't put pressure on your husband. Divorcing him for this would be about the same as divorcing a husband for not squeezing the tube of toothpaste correctly in my opinion.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 March 2011):
I think you should seriously consider leaving him actually - but not because you're right. Far from it. This is a very shallow excuse for wanting to dump someone. You're treating him like some fashion accessory, rather than a man you're supposed to love and adore no matter what (for better for worse?)
You have hugely high expectations, and to be honest I'll be no man on earth can match them, let alone your husband. Or perhaps you're staring to become successful, and suddenly that guy you once loved just isn't good enough anymore.
What you don't realize, is that the confident man may suddenly not like going to dinners with you since he has his own life - or maybe he'll think because he's the macho man you shouldn't work, or perhaps your feelings suddenly won't matter because you can 'deal' with them yourself. Or maybe he won't like or agree to be shown off like a new handbag or car or whatever.
If you really believe that just because your husband doesn't take the lead (something which men have been told we can't do because of feminism anyway), and someone who finds social situations awkward (in other words - most people) are reasons to leave, then you need to look at yourself and who you've become.
Also, you seem to be searching for a confident man who'll take the lead, yet someone who'll shut up when you want him to - in other words, a paradox that can't exist. Believe me, a confident man won't shut up to be shown off like eye candy, and a man who will shut up won't suddenly become confident.
Your poor husband has even offered to change - your response? "Too much to ask, and I should end it" - So you'd rather throw him over than help him? Really?
I'll tell what I see reading your post -
I see a woman who has made a mistake getting married so young - and she knows it. I see a woman who doesn't really love her husband - so makes excuses to get rid rather than to help. Most of all, I see a woman who has hugely high expectations that will never be met by any man - something she can't see yet.
Perhaps you just need to live your own life until such time you understand men more.
Perhaps you need to look at your husband and work out whether you love him.
I think the truth is you're looking for anyway out of this marriage, and you've picked a brilliant way of getting it done. You're not willing to accept who he is, but you won't let him change either. Catch 22 really - either way you want out.
So, do you love him? Or not? That's all that really matters.
By the way, if you do leave, for God's sake spend some time trying to understand men. You are looking for a man who can't exist. "A confident man who takes the lead, yet knows when to shut up so you can have pride and show him off." - a paradox. Can't happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): It sounds like your husband may have social anxiety in some situations. I don't think it's a reason to leave. He can overcome this, or manage it better than he is. In the end, your husband and your family are the ones who will be there for you if they really love you, not your business associates or even your friends for the most part.
If he is willing to work on it then you should both work on this together.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (12 March 2011):
 Your husband is right - this is a terrible, shallow reason to leave.
You have every right to expect him to change, of course, but you have to work with him and realize this is not something that everyone can just "leave unsaid." Talk with him, try to come to some arrangement, be patient, and if all else fails, don't bring him along on your business deal, just to friends and family.
Incompatibility would be between the two of you, not between him and new people. And you say you're compatible on your own or with family, which is what matters most.
Now, your desire for a husband to lead is completely normal and natural. It's beyond the scope of this post, but feminism has basically screwed that deal up and told men for decades that taking charge and leading is bad. If you want him to take charge, you have to encourage him to lead. Act like a subordinate - and part of that means not *commanding* him to make the decision. It also means accepting a decision that is different from what you would have chosen, even if you feel it's an inferior choice.
Leave decisions to him, praise him when he makes those decisions (and do so in the way a subordinate would to a leader, not the other way around), ask for things rather than telling, and be happy that he's in charge regardless of the outcome. It will take time for him to fully adjust for the role, given your situation and society in general.
That doesn't mean you have to be helpless or anything. It's like being president and VP of your own little family business - he listens to you, could count on you to lead if you had to, and there is strong mutual respect, but the final authority rests with him.
I can tell you that while many men will claim that they could take charge and lead, you're going to have a hard time finding them (most are full of themselves). Leaving would not improve the situation, and there is the issue that it breaks your marriage vows. Your issue just illustrates something guys really need to learn, that it's far more important your girl *respects* you and looks up to you than it is that she *likes* you, no matter how strong, educated, or independent she is.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 March 2011):
 If the major thing that's wrong is his interacting with your bosses and co-workers, why don't you just keep him out of your worklife? Everyone has areas of weakness, and it just so happens that you seem to push him into places where you KNOW he's weak, why would you subject him (and yourself!) to that? It's something to work on, IF he wants to, or it's something you have to accept,but I don't think it's something to leave him over. Do you ever HELP him during these social settings, or let him tread water on his own until he says something that doesn't meet your approval? I know I'm coming off a little judgmental it just concerns me that you have pride in your husband only behind closed doors.
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