A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunties and uncles. I am a first time mom to a month old baby and my husband and I have had a fair share of ups and downs but we love each other a lot and wouldn't dream of spending my life with anyone else. Last year, while in my first trimester, he would drink a lot which would end in him verbally abusing me. He would then claim he doesn't remember doing it And would apologize. Two of these incidents ended in me getting beat up, was Still very pregnant. Still, he said he could not recall a single thing and he begged for forgiveness. Since I had gone to stay with my mom after having the baby, I'm set to return to my home next week and I'm shocked a huge part of me is terrified to go home that Maybe that trend will continue. He has been so supportive and loving that I feel like I'm a setback by feeling like this. Last weekend, we had an argument which made me feel useless and as usual he remembers none of it.What should I do? I have forgiven him and I need him but this fear is crippling. Is it justified? What can I do with it? Can this problem that he has be medical? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Sweetie it is not just you now you need to think about, it is your small baby. If you are going to go back to that house, then he NEEDS to stop drinking alcohol and get the help that he needs. If he is not prepared to do so then you stay with your parents and you keep your baby safe. If he is capable off beating up his PREGNANT wife then imagine what he could do to a little harmless baby. It is time now to think about your baby and keep her safe.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (24 March 2017):
 I have walked the path that you are walking down right now and let me tell you it is a frightening treacherous walk. I can't urge you strongly enough to not go back to that man. My first husband was physically abusive, my second husband was an alcoholic. You've got both in one man. It doesn't get much worse than that!
You are safe..your baby is safe. Please stay where you are. Your husband gets so drunk that he doesn't remember hitting you?? Honey..thats a full blown alcoholic! Why oh why would you subject yourself let alone a helpless baby to that?? DON'T!!
My husband hit me, pushed me around and I was too ashamed for almost 2 years to tell my family. Then one day I came home from work and down the path from the house I could hear him yelling at our 18 month old daughter and her screaming in sheer terror. When I confronted him, he twisted my arm so hard he broke it. And that is the day I left. I truly believe he would have seriously hurt our daughter and possibly killed me if I had stayed. COLD HARD FACTS.
I don't care how much you love the guy, he's bad news. You can love someone but it doesn't mean that they are good for you. He's not. Unless he gets MAJOR help..I would not go near him or ever leave him alone unsupervised with the child.
Please think over carefully what we are saying to you. It could be your life or your child's life that you save.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 March 2017):
 Sweetheart, you have more to consider now than yourself. Your defenceless baby is relying on its mum to make the right decision to keep it safe. Do you honestly feel the baby would be safe around your husband? You cannot protect YOURSELF against this abuser so how are you going to protect your baby?
He says he "cannot remember" your fights. He is either suffering from some form of mental illness, or just going into denial and using this as an excuse not to change. If you keep forgiving him for the same things over and over, he has absolutely no reason to change. Why should he? He knows you will just keep forgiving him for his unacceptable behaviour.
They say craziness is defined by someone doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. You keep forgiving him over and over and are still surprised when he does it all again. You need to wake up to the danger you are now putting TWO lives in - one which is still very fragile and cannot defend itself in any way. If this man loves you in any way, he will get help to change, otherwise you and/or your baby are going to end up badly hurt or dead at his hands. I'm sorry if that sounds brutal but I am so worried about this poor baby.
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female
reader, Slippers +, writes (24 March 2017):
As a mental health nurse . I beseech you to tell your mother about the events and stay there . Your husband is in no fit state even now. As you two rowed and amazingly he has no recall of it ? I find that odd !! Unless he was drinking again .
You make the decision for your life .: if you think being beaten is acceptable .. being beaten and maybe killed is acceptable . Then that is your choice, it is after all your life .
However; you cannot make that decision for an innocent child who has no voice , other than what you give them . Do not contemplate returning . If so you are endangering your child's life . Lots of husbands you describe cannot accept that another person will be taking their time . They become annoyed with this little thing and they take their temper out on them .
Your husband is unstable . He proved it by his recent I don't remember that !! Please stay with mom tell her and everyone else: he should not be around you or the baby alone . That's hard but necessary !
Don't make your life or your child's .. a statistic ..
And congratulations mommy !! I hope you and baby are doing great . Keep up the good work
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A
female
reader, AnonymousHelper +, writes (23 March 2017):
Although you love him, you need to assess the situation and analyse whether going home would bethe beat option for both you and your child. What you could do is talk things out with your partner in an open environment, and ask him to give up drinking so much,or at least make a cut back. See if that's something he's willing to try before you put yourself if a vulnerable position with him again.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 March 2017):
 Who beat you up? Some other person? Or your drunk husband? He has a problem with alcohol, you can forgive him for the things he's done to you, but under no circumstances should you go home with a one-month-old baby to violent abuser. It's not safe.
Al-anon has meetings all over the place, go to a few before you make any changes. Tell your doctors about the situation.
Your fear is justified and it is your internal alarm system telling you that you are in danger.
Get qualified help before you move anywhere.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 March 2017):
 You can't forgive an abuser who hasn't received help. He will still hurt you and maybe even your baby. Stay with your family until he gets anger management help or you'll need to divorce him. You and your baby are not safe living with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): I thought about your question for a little bit and think that if he has made the same mistake over and over again, and you have forgiven him for it multiple times, he won't change. He may be a threat to you and your baby if he beat you while you were pregnant, which I find an unacceptable thing to do to someone you love! He shouldn't even think about hurting you, and whether he remembers it or not, he still beat you. And remember, this will be a parent to your child, and the person your child will grow up with if you stay with him. Your partner can damage this child's confidence; if he verbally abuses you, he will do the same to your child.He sounds a lot like my dad, who makes the same mistake multiple times, will make what sound awfully a lot like an excuse to cover it up, is verbally abusive. The effect it had on me was that I lost confidence, since he pointed out all these flaws about me and my appearance that I have never noticed before. He hit me an my sister when I was younger and he still is verbally abusive sometimes. My friend's dad hit her before her parents got divorced and now she has major anxiety issues that stop her from coming to school most days, and she gives her abusive father as the reason for this.If I were in your situation, I would stay away from home a little longer, until you feel it is safe for you and you child to return. Let him know you don't fell comfortable with him due to his actions, let him know you mean it. If you love him terribly much and can't stand being away from him, go home eventually. If he is just the child's father and no more than "sweet", both you and the baby, you'll be much better off without him.Personally, I think you are too good to stay with an abusive man, but it's up to you to decide what is the best for your family.
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