A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months.. We are in a LDR, but he's very caring, sweet and romantic...keeps in touch. But one thing that continually bothers me is that he never calls me at night! Two days back, I was viewing his profile on social media and to my utter shock, I found out that he's married! It's so disgusting and heart-wrenching. He has kept this secret from me...and it seems the marriage is a happy one. Then why would he keep another girlfriend? Feeling very depressed and helpless since then. Didn't confront him yet. What should I do, please advice.
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): I'm an indian girl too. Sheesh the breed of men found online. Honey, it is hard to trust men you know in person and men you interact with on a daily basis, and you are trying out online dating! you are too innocent, online dating in india has become only for people who want to hook up for sex. It's all about only sex. Forget online dating, even matrimonial sites are full of trashy profiles. Be aware of the social situation of relationships and dating in our society..it's like a market full of chinese fake goods. I'm sorry I might be sounding overly pessimistic but can't help that in order to wake up someone who sounds overly optimistic as you. Please don't be the typical "I'm so involved and attached in 6 months of LDR" girl.You have to develop a more calculative and rational approach in dating and selecting a man. don't waste a single minute on anyone unless you've checked all boxes- authenticity, character, behaviour, background. And ensure there's proof for each thing before checking the box! You shouldn't just fall for a person based on their talks! Just imagine what his intentions might be? Being married and dating you on LDR! I'd say if you really want to date for marriage in an indian society, there are two ways to go about it:1. Supposing your parents are forward and open minded, take their help in finding suitable matches and date them before deciding whether the relationship/person is worth marriage. Of course this will be a more formal type of dating where parents of both parties are well aware and mildly involved. You can go on a certain number of dates and take it forward to "courtship" level if the guy meets your basic expectations. If things go alright and you actually start feeling for the person, go ahead with a formal engagement. Again, have a good 6 months to a year of gap between marriage and engagement. 2. Consider waiting to 'fall in love' with a man you meet at work, at a hobby place, a forum/club, through mutual friends etc. Keep a look out for decent men, ask your friends to set you up with a good person etc. Follow the same approach I said in the beginning. Either ways, please DECIDE and CHOOSE to love a person. Do not just fall for anyone that tries to impress you. If you don't make an informed decision, this is how you will end up depressed and hurt by wrong kind of men! What is the use of you having independence and freedom to choose, if you end up choosing a bad guy? Afterall that's the whole reason people are afraid of arranged marriage. "What if the guy turns out to be a jerk?" Is what every girl is afraid of. That's the whole reason why we date..to find out! Now that you found out, don't be depressed, be relieved you found out..and go hunt until you find someone worthwhile. Love and hugs, A fellow indian girl
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 January 2017):
 Have you never met this man? Was it an online relationship? If he has never physically cheated on his wife with you then block him and move on. He was never your boyfriend just some guy at the other end off a computer. How could have shown you affection over the internet? Maybe you need to go out and meet men face to face and have some real contact.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017): My dear, it has only been six months! Aren't you being a bit dramatic? Well, he can book all the trips he likes. You simply don't have to meet him. It wouldn't prove anything, and if you're as infatuated as you come across; he might charm you into seeing him. Don't!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had checked his profile before too, but there were no clues (may be he had some privacy setting). After that I was too busy with my job to even spend time on social media.
Now that my projects are done, I can see the pictures of his wife and comments by their friends. It's shattered me.
Anyway, he has booked tickets to visit me a month later. But in the given situation I don't want to meet him at all. Because all I get to hear are lies. I can't afford to be the other woman. It's disrespectful. Don't know how to deal with this depression. I've had a couple of failed relationships before too. Makes me wonder whether there's a flaw in me.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 January 2017):
 I would not bother confront him. He does not deserve anything from you, not even yout anger. You cakk him disgustung, treat him like something disgusting . When you step on , pardon me, a dog shit, do you get mad at the shit , do you yell at it ? OF course not- yoi wipe it quicklu off your shoes, and move on ( ...and you promise yourself to warcg your step in future... )
As a matter of fact, I noticed something in your post which sounded a little strange to me. Which is : you girls of the social media generation are always glued to your PCS, checking out- or stalking :) this and that- but you had been dating this guy for 6 months, and only two days ago you had the idea to check his profile (s ) ? How come ?....
It won't be by any chance , that you already had a good hunch that he was not sincere, and not as single as he said... and delayed checking him out because you were aftaid of what you could possibly find out ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017): Just block him and forget about it. It was only six-months, and you never met the man. If you got seriously attached, you really had very little to go on to do so.
LDR's where you've never met in-person are not the same as relationships formed in real-time. I'd get argument and a lot of flack about that, but I don't really care. I know better. There wouldn't be so many distressed posts about them; if they were the bomb, and there was a high rate of success among LDR's.
People have to learn to stop confusing online-attachments to real-life romances. You really cannot connect emotionally with people without, or until, there is some actual human-contact. You must interact on or at more than one level. You must form your emotional-attachment using all your human senses.
We are in an age where people are trying to avoid actual human-interaction and face-time communication.
In an attempt to substitute (and compare) long-distance relationships to relationships we really do have to work hard to maintain in reality.
Real-time relationships require us to live them on-the-spot and on-location. We're forced to practice live compromise and problem-solving to deal with people on a more human and tactile basis. Rather than keeping them at a safe-distance, where they can't see your flaws, messy house, and imperfections. You can create an imaginary lover and hide behind a false-persona for years. Love by remote-control just ain't for me! I may as well date an astronaut on a space-expedition to Jupiter. I need my loving on a moment's notice. I can wait if life takes you away only temporarily.
Stressing yourself out over long-distance just makes no sense; if you haven't met, didn't have a thriving relationship to start, and you will not meet at some time in the near future. Before you're two neurotic grief-stricken mental-cases traumatized by stress, unfulfilled needs, and starved-cravings.
We are forced to part by unforeseen emergencies, school, work, military deployment, and various career ambitions; but the point is to come together to make the waiting worth it. Perpetual long-term long-distance relationships bite a huge chunk out of your youth, and waste your life. They just aren't really worth it, if you can't reward yourself for the long wait by actually being in each others arms. Living happily ever-after in the real world; or until you breakup when you realize you don't really know each other, and s/he is nothing like they were when we were the LDR.
People create characters and personalities online according to cues, clues, and specifications you literally design and prototype in your own imagination. They hide the truth behind a facade you can't challenge by sight, touch, or smell.
You have to actually see if they fit the personality you're falling for. It is apparent you never got that opportunity. Romantic chats, messaging all hours of the day, and emojis are fine; but you need warm flesh, eye to eye contact, breathing, a heartbeat, and a physical presence to make a personality a person. Someone to actually fall in-love with.
So, now you may let this online Romeo disappear into obscurity. Get some practice in meeting men in a variety of ways, learn how to relate through more personal-interaction in the realm of reality, and hold-out your feelings until you know to whom you're attaching them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (24 January 2017):
 Yep. Tell his wife. Have all the proof ready and don't let him have the slightest inkling that you know. When you feel you're prepared, tell his wife and block the ass out of your life completely.
Remember, you're not the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last. You have to move on and be thankful for the silver lining... It's only been 6 months. Things could have been worse.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017): I would consider telling his wife, although if they have young kids maybe you don't want to go there and be the homewrecker. But I do tend to think she deserves to know.
Beware of LDRs in the future. Go for soemthing closer to home. So many men in LDRs actually are having multiple partners.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017): I would confront him - probably call him a two timing pig and other assorted names and then instantly block ALL modes of contact so he can never respond. :) He was a jerk and you're lucky to have found out relatively early on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): I agree with the others.
Oh, except for one thing.
TELL HIS WIFE.
And then BLOCK HIM and remove him from your life.
HAPPILY MARRIED? MY ASS!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 January 2017):
 I would NOT give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he has hurt you.
I would BLOCK him, Remove him from ALL social media, and block/delete his phone number. If he finds a way to contact you, THEN I'd tell him that he is a disgusting cheating piece of filth and you want nothing to do with him. Then hang up/ ignore him.
Be glad you found out now before you got even deeper involved. And next time you meet someone - check them out sooner.
Chin up, this IS a blessing in disguise even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 January 2017):
 Block him and move on with your life.
I wouldn't even waste my time speaking to him about it, who knows how many other girls he could have in this same situation and even if you confront him he's still married, he's not going to leave his wife for you so what's the point?
...............................
|
