A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently found out that my girlfriend of almost 8 months is 5 weeks pregnant and I am unsure about what I want/should do. She is currently in her first year of university, and I am in my second year of university, at different universities. I love her with all my heart and I know she loves me the same. I have no intentions about going anywhere and I have told her that. All I want is whats best for her. She is a very strong minded person and has been planning on going to university for years to complete her course, but if we decide to keep the baby then she it would become extremely difficult to complete her course. She is also extremely excited about living with all her friends in their own house next year, but if we keep the baby I wouldn't want her to live their, seeing as they will be partying non stop, and I dont want any child of mine growing up in that environment. I would also like to be a part of my childs life, but wouldn't be able to do that if I am 50 miles away in another university. I dont want to drop out of my course because if i get my degree then I will be on a large sum of money that I would want to raise a family with. But I wouldn't want to miss out on my babys life. I dont think its the right time for us to have a baby because of these reasons, but I dont want to have to put my girlfriend through having an abortion, because I have read it can have bad side effects for women, and the last thing I want is for my girlfriend to suffer. I really dont know what to do, and any help would be more than welcomed! Sorry that the question is a bit long, i can get carried away! please help xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): Hi, its nice to know a guy will ask for help. You sound pretty responsible. these are only tips. You sound as though your girlfriend rules this relationship and you are scared to talk to her about the partying, but do say. I dunno, find a flat, get married and move in! Typical.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Well at the end of the day all you can do is express to your girlfriend exactly how you feel - just pretty much tell her everything you have told us!
Explain that all you want is what is best for her - you dont want her to suffer or be unhappy. But it is also important for her to be aware that you think it is the wrong time for you to have a child, I think the chances are she is probably thinking the same thing too.
As long as she knows that whatever she decides to do, you will stand by her - and that you love her and just want whats best for her, then that is all you can do. It is a horrible situation to be in, especially for the man because even though this baby is 50% you, the final decision to keep the child or abort the child is ultimately hers.
Dont believe all that you read about abortions - there are a few rare occasions when it can go wrong, or when it leaves you with difficulties conceiving in the future, and yes it is a nasty process if you have the abortion later than 8 weeks into the pregnancy - but millions of abortions are carried out and the chances that something will go wrong is very small - the liklihood is that if she has an abortion she will be fine and have no lasting physical effects. It is only the mental side effects that cause the problems in most cases - so that is something your girlfriend needs to weigh up. She needs to decide whether she can cope with getting rid of the baby.
You need to make sure you both are communicating clearly with each other throughout this issue - as long as you are both telling each other how you feel about the situation then I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right thing, and you will get through it together.
I hope this helps and good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 December 2009):
First of all, make sure you're supporting her with doctor's appointments and such, and make sure you're showing her that you care (I'm sure you are). Then at least she will feel a bit safer about it all.
Also, it might be worth going to the doctor yourself and making sure you understand about pregnancy, and how you can help her.
Citizen's Advice offer free advice on a range of issues, and should you decide to keep the baby, would be the best place to go so you understand what you're entitled to. Go to this site www.citizensadvice.org.uk and type in the postcode so you can find the nearest one.
Finally, you need to be aware that it will ultimately be her decision as to what happens with the baby. If she decides to keep it, then you need to be there for her and be a great Dad. If she decides to have an abortion, then you need to support her there as well, no matter how hard.
You're handling this very maturely, which is really great. Make sure she knows you're there whatever happens. Also, it might be a good idea to go a counsellor with her so you can both get all your feelings out in the open. All the best.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 I'm really impressed about the mindset you have about this situation.
You guys screwed up. And the scary thing is that you both are in college, so dropping out is a really hard option for the both of you. While you'll have a lot of women say that it's the 'woman's choice' of what happens, I think what the guy has to say is pretty damn important too. I mean it takes two to make a baby, right?
You just have to weigh out your options. I mean you really don't think it would be easy to raise a family right now, right? You two are going for degrees and you would have to drop out to support and take care of this kid. So keeping the baby doesn't look too promising. Abortion is an option, but like you said, there are very negative side effects to the woman both physically and mentally. Another option you might want to consider is adoption. She could have the baby and give it to a good family that either you two select or an adoption agency selects. I mean I think that it's a happy medium (well, as happy as it gets as far as unplanned pregnancy), and if the adoption is local, you can actually see the baby from time to time.
You two have a really tough decision to make. Just make sure that you both are very open with what you want, as well as open minded. In the end, what she says goes. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve some rather valued input. Best of luck to you.
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