A
female
age
51-59,
*ennith
writes:I just found out my friend with benefits, over 1.5 years now, has another fwb for a year going. It hurt and i felt used because i thought what we had was special. I am 40 and dont feel there are many options for me, and have settled for less. not sure how to overcome the feeling of being betrayed, and whether to continue with this situation for a few moments of comfort than nothing at all.
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female
reader, Zennith +, writes (25 December 2011):
Zennith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust want to say thank you for your support and words of wisdom. i hope i have the courage to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): I thought friends with benefits meant no commitment and WAS just to use each other.
If you want more, hold on for that instead of settling for crumbs. While you have him around you stand less chance of meeting someone for a real relationship.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 OK...40 is young. All the others have given you sound advice. There is always someone for everyone and while you hang out hiding in this FWB relationship, you are missing so many opportunities to meet someone who could matter and be that special someone.
I think you should focus on being single and figuring out what you want in a person. If the FWB relationship continues your self esteem will suffer. Poor self esteem is a major detractor for the right someone special.
Your friend doesn't truly care about you, and I would say, he isn't really much of a friend. Don't allow yourself to be lonely to the point where this small amount of closeness (feigned as it is) makes you feel satisfied. It's only making you feel hurt.
Merry Christmas and find someone new to kiss under the mistletoe.
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A
male
reader, Ldu  +, writes (24 December 2011):
You feel used? Well uhh Thats what FWB are...you both USE each other to satisfy a need . It isnt a relationship. If at the beginning you both discussed that you Wouldnt sleep with anyone else rend you, have a reason to feel "used"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): I think you clearly have become attached, thus the relationship, from your perspective, is more than friends with benefits.
If you're attached, a rash and anger-based response will not help and will only create drama. You were not really betrayed, you seemed to have entered into this thing, for lack of a better term, under the pretext that it is, simply was, FWB.
If you want more, go out and look for it! You may now see the need to end your FWB relationship, but perhaps you don't see the reason: you want more and you don't have to settle for not having more.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): Of course you are being used. Its what you agreed to. He is not your boyfriend. Fwb are not there to be respected, they are for use when theres nothing better to do. You agreed to that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): first off why not talk with him and tell him your true feelings and see if that leads to any change? The worst that can happen is he says no he only wants to be FWB, and then you're in the same place where you are now anyway so it's not like you've lost any ground. I doubt he would "break up' with you if you simply share your real feelings, at most he will just say he wants to keep things the way they are so the ball will be entirely in your court.
that said, if there's no chance for this to lead to a real relationship, then you should probably break up with him. Or else, keep him as a FWB while you go looking around for someone new (but if you find someone new you should end the FWB situation obviously or it won't be fair to the new guy). if you're afraid to be alone, this could work. Start pursuing new relationships, and keep him as a FWB until you find one, if you like. The 'nice' thing about FWB is that he should be OK with you looking around, just as he hasn't been exclusive to you. and in the meantime, something may be better than nothing. This is different from settling which is what you've been doing up til now. Settling means you have stopped trying for more and are resigned to this situation being permanent. You should stop settling, but that doesn't mean you have to give him up just yet. just shift your attitude.
you are still young. Many people get divorced in their 40s so there should be a lot of single guys in your age group.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 December 2011):
Unfortunately, I think what you two had meant more to you than it did for him. A FWB partner isn't obliged to be committed to you - that's why they're a FWB and not a boyfriend.
I think you really want a relationship, and I think rather than continue with a FWB, you'd be much better off ending that and finding a man you can have a relationship with instead. Aged 40, you still have a lot of time to find a guy you can be with, and I think you want that.
End it with this FWB, and spend time looking for a boyfriend instead.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 Pardon my bluntness, but you have been very naive. Had you been so special, he would not have kept you as his FWB. You would have been a couple by now. If you mean your sexual connection was excellent, sure, I do not doubt it for a sec - but that's never enough to keep a man faithful in lack of something deeper .
What to do now... the choice is between getting little or nothing at all, and it's really up to you and what hurts you less. Personally I feel that those few moments of comfort, as you call them, are by now irreparabily tainted for you by disappointment,humiliation and jealousy, and if you keep doing this it will be less and less comfort.
Btw, you are ONLY 40, nowadays 40 is young ! Don't be so negative, it's not sure you'll find the right man , as it's never sure at any age... but anyway it's far from impossible !
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A
female
reader, Zennith +, writes (24 December 2011):
Zennith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks i know ur right, if only we cud keep heads nd heart in sync.
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