A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Not sure where to start here really, but I feel I've got my 'just desserts'. I left a loving relationship (but not exciting one) for someone which was no more than a conman, in respect of who he really was. We've now been married 20yrs and all he has ever done behind my back is call me, be disloyal, steal from me and is the meanest man I have ever met. I am now in my 50's and after 20 years of rowing and him, his binge drinking at times as well as leaving constantly when I was totally still in love with him, his couple of affairs, at times not working leaving me to pay everything, we have come full circle. Where now I want out, I am tired of begging him to stay - only for him to leave when he wanted and come back when he wanted. Now because we are older he doesn't want to leave, but he sits back and leaves me with all the bills. Now I want us to divorce before I drop dead and he takes everything from my children's inheritance. The thing is he has run up debts on credit cards, if we sell our house and pay them off it will leave little after splitting the rest between us. I will end up in rented accommodation. So after working my butt off for over 35 years, I'll have nothing. I have no pension because he stopped me paying them, because he always liked his money in his pocket. So no pension in my 50's no home, and miserable. I know everyone thinks - just get out, but I don't want to be a burden on my kids (their not his children). I worked all these years to be comfortable while he took and left and went out with friends and spent, he lived his life whilst I stayed home with my bit of money to pay the mortgage. He would come back and still have his home and us waiting. I know I made the mistakes of doing this, but here I am now. What can I do?? If I could afford anywhere to live, it would be a tiny flat in a very bad area, not really safe for a woman on her own. He threatens if I go and he doesn't get a half share I've 'had it'.
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female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 I think your husband is a narcassist. If I am wrong with that label, I apologise! But this is an experiance I am not too unfamiliar with!
When you are in such a relationship it is very difficult to fully see the games, triggers, lies, contradictions and actions of a narcassist. It is incredibly confusing, hopeful and screwed up. Your on a continual rollacoaster of conflicting emotions, it drains you and takes up most of your energy, just trying desperately to work out what the hell went wrong. The love you fell is huge, the best you ever have had, but the lows get longer, bigger and more painful and distructive over the years.
Once you really see, feel and recognise who he really is and was all along, it can be quite frightening and very sad and damaging to your self esteem. You get a bit pissed off that you were taken for your money, or lifestyle rather that the genuine love you thought you had. But you then need to prepare. He sounds as though he now realises you have him EXPOSED, and is going to now be vindictive and nasty. He realises he is about to loose it all. He is more than likely playing on your insecurities about a future life. A future life of dependence rather than the independent capable women you are. He will blackmail your thoughts on maybe it is better to be with him and ignore all your fears about who he really is. But can he follow through, with anything! Of is all of this just a game. It is to me. So I would not be threatened by any of his words.
Once you really dig into his charachter, you may find he is a pitiful man, not really capable of following through.
Has he acheived any assests or security in his life, or did you provide that? All of these questions, will give you strength on how you are not going to be taken down by this man. I really feel you should REASEARCH NARCASSIST/S, get knowledgable about how he preys on your weaknessess and you will soon feel alot more confident and capable of matching anything he throws at you, now you want out.
All the other advise is great about looking at your legal position and gifting to your children. But, you don't have to leave your home at all right now, but make him meet all of his obligations. Why not just get separated. In my country you get separated for 2 years, before a marriage proceeds to divorce. Skill yourself up on all your possible opportunities and avenues. Financially and support wise. Knowledge is power, particularly in dealing with someone who is taking the mickey, and taking you down. Be indifferent to him and withdraw your condoning of his words and treatment. He does this to push your buttons, and it works. Your scared of your future, but don't need to be at this stage at all, he knows it is your assests which he can use to have his own thrills. Stop that and protect any liabilities you have over his actions.
You definately do need to talk to a lawyer first of all. And stop any concerns or anxieties on your future life until you know where you stand. Then, prepare and plan behind the scenes. Put the pressure on him to pay or go. Make him close his credit cards if you are a gurantor. All of these things will help you get back in focus that your very capable of handing a loser like him!!
A bit long winded, and hope you start to realise loosing the life you have with him, may be a gift in disguise!
All the best. xxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): My Reply to Lazy Guy.Sorry not sure yet on how to use the reply to agony aunts/uncles.In answer to your question, what could anyone have to me to make me change my mind and stay where I was.To be honest, theres a lot people could to me at this age. But as a young woman, without life experiences, you just hear it all as interfering. I'm not sure then anyone could have said anything. I also wish my partner at that time could have fought harder to keep me. In saying that he was such a lovely person, and still is we are still friends, that I think I felt that if I made a mistake and changed my mind in the vry early days I could go back. He found someone very soon afterwards, but I think we both thought "what have we done"!Instead we carried on with our decisions. you know the daft thing about all this is I still fancy my husband, and I kinda like his company at times. But he's sly and that out weighs his good points.He's very money minded and always looking how to gain. It's quite an ugly trait to watch. If he finds someone else I know I will be jealous, as sexually we are very good together, but how long is that going to last??. I feel I need a friend in a man.I sound really confused don't I??But I don't believe much he says, he talks self righteous but acts, especially in drink very callous and lies so much.Apart from all this, I've always had to put up with his porno stuff, although I kinda accepted it's a man thing much of the time, it didn't affect me terribly as it does some women. But I think I just kinda thought- you know "you don't do much to make me feel good". When he's talking about me to 'some' I'm the best thing since slice bread. But to his mates, it's "she's a bitch to me" and adds lots f lies.I guess I need to feel relaxed away from someone I feel is with me as his backup to look after him.He's always got issues about how other people treat also, even his family. No-one is safe from his back stabbing, unless he wants to be liked.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): This is justgirl. I am in a similiar situation. YOu need to let him know it is over. Start saving. Turn another room into your bedroom. Start the divorce process. NO one can make the other leave. IT is a joint house. He can drag it on for two years if he wants to do so. HOwever, you just stay in control. If he wants the house or if you can live peacefully together. Let him know it is over. Start to go out and have fun when you can. Enjoy life as much as possible. IF you truly are not inlove, nothing he can say or do will get you going....so, don't fret. If he gives you a hard time, call the police on him. Just try to do this as peacefully as possible. When you have enough built up which could take five years. Go out on your own. Start putting in to your pension. YOu will get his anyway since you have been married over 11 years. So, don't worry about that. Okay, hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 Talk to a lawyer? Basically, you need legal advice on what the results of a divorce would be.
Although you mention right of the bat that you got your "just desserts' I still feel I must point out on thing.
He is not the loser. You are. YOU LOST. He did not. He got what he wanted for 20 years and may well continue to get what he wants UNLESS YOU STOP BEING A LOSER!
Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are, don't take this guys word for it that he can ruin you.
It all depends on how the debts were build up and on what exactly are your assests. For instance are you earning an income right now? It can happen that the woman has to pay alimony but it is rare. And since the kids are probably out of the house already there is no need for child-support.
Find out your options and take back control of your own life. Even if it is 20 years to late.
Still got to ask, what did you find so exciting about these past 20 years? What, looking back would have been the one piece of advice that would have convinced you NOT to go for this guy? The question of "do I chose mister boring or mister excitement" after all comes up often enough at the start, so what would we have to say to convince a person like you to NOT go for the user?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): It's not the debt thing with him I' worried about as much as the fact there's nothing he's wanted to do, that he hasn't. His debts aren't massive but enough.
It's just that he threatens if he doesn't get half then thats it, so in other words he wants half of everything even though many times he wasn't there paying half.
I don't have a problem with giving him something, but I feel lost at the fact at my age I'm starting again like a kid with nothing in the bag.
Your advice about giving some to kids and them keeping it me is a good idea and I will consider that one.
Thank you everyone for your help, and other ideas would be good too.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 It seems you're between a rock and a hard place, but it seems the leaving is the lesser evil. I'm sorry for you. I don't know the particulars of your legal system, either, so I will just say that I don't see him changing his ways. If he's into heavy debt now, maybe that will worsen later. I would leave now.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 In the US there is such a think as 50/50 split but they do take into consideration squandered assets. So, if for instance he used your pension to buy something for himself, then that comes off the 50/50 split. Unfortunately the louse is accostomed to the lifestyle to which you have provided him so you do stand to loose.
Also, in the US parents can give a $10K (maybe $11K now?)a year to each child (or to anyone) as a gift. If they still have that there, you could maybe start giving money to your kids if you are concerned you will leave them with nothing. They could also stash it away and give you back $10K or so a year so you could stay in a better place. I am not familiar with the laws there so not sure what your financial options are. Best talk with a lawyer-without you husband knowing.
It is true that money is meaninless if you don't enjoy your life. When I was unhappy I used to look at shacks and think "with the right person, I could be happy there." These days I am learning that the right person to be with is myself. It's not so bad being on your own.
I wish you well.
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