A
male
age
36-40,
*suckatdating
writes:Hi all,So, I need a bit of advice, validation. Hope you've got your reading glasses on as this is too long of a post...I've been dating a girl for the past 2.5 months. We've been getting dinner, getting lunch, going to movies, grabbing coffee, getting drinks, going out with her friends, going out with my friends, etc. - Pretty much a couple times a week. Also text / call in between pretty much every day even if we don't meet up.Things in my mind were going great. However, Friday night, we met up for drinks, she out of the blue asks me about my previous girlfriends, I give a few details but not the back stories on why it didn't work out. She then gives her account and back story catalog of EVERY previous boyfriend she had and why she dumped them or why they dumped her. She then pretty much said straight to my face that "she's not sure she wants a relationship right now or a boyfriend right now, but that she DOES like me and enjoys spending time with me, but is not sure that it's only heading towards a friendship." She then asked me how I felt and whether it was along the same mind. I then tell her, that we've been taking things slow and I thought that was basically by design on both our parts. Things then got kind of awkward, we picked up again, then went back to my place to hang out for a while. She left around midnight. Then we met up the next day for coffee, so I'm not sure where things really stand right now.I'm a little bit pissed off by her take on "not wanting a relationship right now," as I think that it's a two way street and that I should have a say in things too. In my mind her "I don't want a relationship right now" basically means "I just don't want a relationship with YOU." I'm traveling to Houston for a business trip this week so I'll have time to think about what to do before we meet up again, but I'm not sure what to do here. I want to confront the situation(face to face) and pretty much tell her that I actually DO see a future with her, and exactly my thoughts on her not being opposed to a relationship, just that she doesn't like me. Should I do it??I've got plenty of girls who are friends, I want something more. I just want to be there for her - fix her ipod and open jars and hold her hand and be there for support. I sort of don't feel trusting that she feels the same so I'm not sure if it's really worth it to keep hanging out with her. Even if she wants to be friends, she needs to mean it... If I saw her dating other guys that would also really hurt my feelings so I might just have to call it off here.I'm really bumming about it right now and feel kind of heartbroken. I'm so sick of making an effort for someone I really like, and not having the reciprocated emotions. It's almost like a cosmic joke.
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male
reader, Isuckatdating +, writes (25 January 2011):
Isuckatdating is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks G, will probably ice her out a little ... been spending way too much time with her anyways.
A
male
reader, Isuckatdating +, writes (24 January 2011):
Isuckatdating is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMet up with her last night... realized I've been relegated to the friend zone, but for now I'm okay with it as she really is a someone I get along with really well. She mentioned again last night that she's just not looking for a relationship with ANYONE right now and tried to make it clear that there might be a possibility for a future, but she is going to focus on school for now. blah.
Not sure what the "future" holds but I'm going to ride this out for a few more weeks... I don't know what to make of this, we kissed again last night before leaving, asked if we could hang out again later this week :/
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Sorry, I got it wrong. I thought you were just hanging out as friends and had not even kissed yet.
But, all in all,with the due adjustments, I still stand by my advice. Expectations are a tricky thing and may engender bitterness, if you start having them in lack of clear strong inequivocable green light signals.
In your case, the girl may have thought that hanging out a few times, mostly in non-intimate settings, and a few kisses, does not particularly mean "feelings " and is not a promise or a guarantee for further develepments, and I am inclined to see her point. Not because she is a girl so I necessarily root for the girl :)- I try to be an impartial Aunt. But , because, after all, hanging out and dates are made precisely for that, to check if there is chemistry/compatibility, - and she found there was not.
This in answer to your " it's not like it was that much work... can't we at least give it a shot ? ". No. If she is not interested, she is not. Making a token effort just to be nice to you ,would have been condescending and pointless. Please appreciate that at least she choose not to string you along for ego or convenience, like other girls may have done !
As for your need for closure.... I think closure is overrated :) Real closure comes from inside- when you decide , enough, I am moving on. I feel too, like other posters, that there is nothing to get out of an official
goodbye meeting, but hey, if you are sure it will make you feel better, by all means go ahead and do it.
Good luck and do not take this so at heart- these kind of accidents are quite frequent on the bumpy road to love ...
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (18 January 2011):
Don't fall into the trap of worrying about being rude to her. The focus now should be on you, not her. There's really no need to meet with her to put a bow on this pile of dog doo doo. Just let it be. Otherwise, you're making it more difficult for yourself. Try to have an intermediary get your stuff back. There's no need -- nor is there a point -- to seeing her again. It's over. Start moving on.
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A
male
reader, Isuckatdating +, writes (17 January 2011):
Isuckatdating is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAddendum: Thanks for the advice on just messaging her in so many words "we are wanting separate things, so bye" but this is someone I actually AM close with and care about; I think it would be very rude to at least not meet up face to face to say goodbye somehow.
As awkward as it is, I'm just going to tell her how I feel. I'm mentally prepared for the repercussions but I can't just be friends with her... I'm not asking this girl to marry me, or move in or anything but I mean wtf, it's not like it was that much work to keep up what we had going in the first place... Can't we at least give it a shot?
Once I get back from Houston, let the potential awkward last date COMMENSURATE!
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A
male
reader, Isuckatdating +, writes (17 January 2011):
Isuckatdating is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses.
I'm not going to lie, I don't feel much better after reading them though :( I've never liked a girl as much as this.
To give just a little more context, she said that the main reason she doesn't want a boyfriend now is because she's starting nursing school in a couple weeks and doesn't want to get distracted. However, she knew about that way ahead of time when we first started dating so it sort of goes back to that "where there's a will, there's a way" mentality.
I'm not trying to defend myself here but "I guess you had just assumed that you were both working your way toward dating- but ,assumptions are always a dangerous thing. Stay with what you KNOW for a fact and you'll be safer."
...We WERE dating. I know it. Pretty clear from her and I after going out together one on one and such and kissing and such. I enjoy spending time with her but sort of feel betrayed now.
Now comes the question of how I can get some of my stuff back that I lent her, it's probably not worth it to try to fetch back... Enjoy my "Garden State" DVD and "House of Sand and Fog" book, you scorpion woman.
I think it might be best to just not get in touch with her. If she wants to call me, fine and I'll answer; but the terms have been made pretty clear, and she should get the message that I'm upset.
I still want to confront the situation to get some closure; but yes, forcing her to spit it out would not be very civil. I almost wanted to do it when we met up for coffee Saturday, but changed my mind as I thought to just give it some time before conclusions.
I've been burned a few too many times by every girl I've made an effort for... Might go into dating retirement for a while. At least my wallet will thank me.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (17 January 2011):
It does suck ... out loud. But, you've hit the nail on the head. You've been relegated to the dreaded "friend zone." Interest level on her part is at zero. While it does suck, don't get too down on yourself or the situation. You're a young guy. It's all part of life. Look at it as being one more girl closer to the one who will be the real deal. I would not recommend doing the "friend" thing with this one. You clearly have feelings for her, so being her "friend" is simply not going to be enough for you. I would be honest with her. Tell her you thought things were going in a different direction and that while you wish her well, being "friends" in the true sense of that word is not in the cards. Good luck, young man. You will be fine.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): You don't need to pour your heart out to her. And it would be pointless. All you need to do is a send her a message that says "we're obviously looking for different things and I am not looking for friends, good luck for the future" or along those lines.
Interestingly, men and women use that phrase "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" in different ways. With women, it means they don't want a relationship with you. With men, it's what they say once they've played you along to get you into bed.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 January 2011):
Perceptive guy.
When somebody says "I don't want a relationship right now " he/she ALWAYS means, more or less consciously, "I don't want a relationship with you ".
Because if you meet somebody that you really,really like, a lot -all considerations about " focusing on my career " or " just enjoying being single " or whatnot, suddenly and mysteriously fly out of the window. All of a sudden, - when there's a will there's a way.
I think you got stuck in the friend zone. Maybe she did not do it to string you along- she may have genuinely thought there was potential to develop something between the two of you, and then,along the weeks, she has realized
that there is not enough chemistry , or mental compatibility, or whatever she is looking for in a boyfriend. Yet , she likes your company, conversation etc. so she would not want to lose you as a friend.
It sucks, but, hey, it happens . I guess you had just assumed that you were both working your way toward dating- but ,assumptions are always a dangerous thing. Stay with what you KNOW for a fact and you'll be safer.
So what do you do now ? I'd say, back off graciously.
What would be the point on pouring all your feelings in a message ?- she told you she does not want a relationship,
yes it's very possible that this is because she just is not that into you, why do you want to force her to spit it out ? You' d embarass her, and she would resent you- and it would not be such an ego boost for you.
As for staying friends... think well if you can handle it. Like you say, maybe you would not like to be around when she starts dating other guys.
I'd ditch the jar opening and Ipod fixing, and I'd move on hoping it will go better with the next girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Hello!
Well to start off I think you should be open with her and tell her how you feel and ask for an honest response back concerning the relationship. I don't think you should assume that she doesn't want a relationship with you, so try and get rid of those thoughts. The most important thing you can do right now is to just talk to her about how you're feeling. That's the only advice that I have right now.
I'm sorry you feel so hurt and I truly hope things get better!
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