A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice regarding my boyfriend, possibly ex. Anyway, we've been together 3 years. Up until a few months ago we'd see each other all the time but due to new work schedules we'd started seeing each other on the weekends and during the week if we got a chance, but it was rare. So, maybe 2x a week, which was basically me spending the night with him on Saturday night and not leaving until way late Sunday night/Monday morning.Over the last few months things have been rocky and we'd been fighting over stupid shit. We just couldn't seem to get along. As a result of this, my boyfriend started distancing himself. He'd text less, initiate me coming over less and didn't put forth the effort. Because of this, I started clinging onto him and trying to make him talk to me, which seemed to make things worse. He'd say he didn't want to break up, but he didn't exactly act like he wanted to be together, either.I feel like this has been going on for so long that I'm tired of it now. I'm tired of "waiting" for him to come around. I chased him day and night and was constantly available when it suited him. He never had a real chance to miss me 'cause I was always chasing after him and trying to beg him to give me more time. I was also dropped lower on his list of priorities, with xbox higher on that list than me. Well, I've stopped all of that. I've stopped initiating contact with him altogether, and when he does contact me I reply back with something nice and then let it be. The last time I heard from him (I've been extremely sick so we haven't been able to see each other for the past 2 weeks) was on Christmas night when he sent me a voice message telling me how much he loved and missed me. I haven't heard anything from him since even though he was on facebook last night.I really don't know if we're officially over to the point that I'll never see him again. I do know one thing, and that is that I'm not EVER chasing him or going out of my way anymore. If he comes around, okay, but if he doesn't then okay. I'm assuming from his voice message Christmas night that he thinks we're still together but what do I do in the meantime? Like I said, I'm not making myself instantly available to him, I'm not initiating contact, I'm not bitching at him for not talking to me.. I'm no longer doing anything and I know, sooner or later, he's going to notice that.I guess my real question is, is there a chance he'll eventually come back around and act like his old self and maybe see me with fresh eyes? Will I ever see him again? Will he ever miss me? Think about me? Want to reconcile? Am I doing the right thing now? I still love him very much and still want things to work out but I'm not forcing it anymore. Has anyone had experience with this? If he asks me over sometime, do I go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies everyone! Yes, I've tried talking to him about this over and over again and it didn't do any good as I'd still chase him and never stand my ground. He's definitely gotten too comfortable in the relationship. He wasn't always like this. This post was basically my way of saying that I'm *finally* standing my ground and going to get what I deserve or I'm moving on. If he can't take time out to contact me, or make me feel even half way important, then I'm not going to lay there the 1-2 days a week *he* decides so he can bust a nut. I've tried everything I can and became a doormat. He had me wrapped around his finger. The more he pulled away, the more I chased him and kissed his ass. As a result of that, he lost respect for me and begun treating me like shit. This relationship has become "on his terms" and I'm finally making a stand and not allowing it anymore. He text me last night saying I better be over at his house today but what he actually said word for word was so disrespectful that I don't want to go. He's got to learn this isn't okay with me anymore. So, if he's going to be in a relationship with me things have to change or I'm done, once and for all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): Did you reply to his xmas message? Maybe he thinks your feelings have changed as well?
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 I agree with Cerberus to a certain extent. I think you should talk to him and ask where you both stand but you really have no control over what he will say or do.
He is playing the 'cop out' game at the moment. The distance and no contact suits him because it allows him time to play on his x box and do his own thing. He can throw you the odd 'I love you' by text and because you haven't made any big moves...he is assuming you are OK with things as they are.
He has you where he wants you and at his convienience and you are at liberty to say 'where do we stand' but it's unlikely he is going to start putting things right because he's got everything the way he wants it.
I like Cerberus's idea that suddenly you will ask the right question and this guy will wake up and start giving you what you want and need but to be honest, he hasn't up til now and you have to ask yourself why he hasn't thought about the changes that have taken place. Why hasn't he taken responsibility for making sure he spends a fair amount of time with you?
I agree you shouldn't play games and being direct and less emotive might make him see that you are in trouble with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): OP you're understandably confused and frankly sound a bit panicky.
You ask a lot of questions, most with a sense of future doom but you haven't yet asked the right one. "Where do we stand?"
It's time you sat down together and discussed this, discuss what's going wrong right now and discuss fixing this.
You want to make this work. He sounds like he does too.
It's time to sit down and flesh this all out.
With all due respect to the other posters you really don't want another month of this crap do you? Another month of games, hoping things change? Another month of waiting for answers.
No, it's time to get this sorted. You know what you want so find out what he wants. If you both want to stay together then it's time you worked on your differences and at least see if they can be fixed.
Work schedules seemed to be the start of all this, so work from there. You speak about feeling low in his priorities, tell him that, it's not you're demanding he never play his xbox. OP it sounds like separation is getting between you and you feel he's not stepped up and made more of an effort in that regard. A change in schedule from seeing each other very frequently can be tough, but playing games of too much attention to no attention is not going to help things either.
You want to get a happy medium of time and effort that you both require to make this work. So just have a sit down and long chat about all this. It't time to try and work this out before it becomes a mess of games and not knowing where you stand.
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reader, Martine +, writes (28 December 2013):
 I had this same problem with my ex. I used to chase him,and when I stopped,he went nuts,and treated me really badly. So badly, i had to leave. Keep your distance,and see what he does. This will give you your answer in around a month. Good luck. Natx
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reader, M Proops +, writes (28 December 2013):
He said he missed you and loved you and yet made no effort to come over to you,that in itself says it all to me.You have been doing the running in this relationship and he hasn't.Unless he starts running for you now then it's better to break free.He doesn't sound like a good catch to me.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 I would prefer he comes over, and not asking you to do the travelling. He has to want to do it at his own accord. Let's see in a month out of how many days would he plan anything with you. You would know your answer based on how sincere he is. If you are dissatisfied with how little effort he makes then move on. His actions would tell you whether he meant it by saying "I love you," or did it only mean "don't leave me yet."
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