A
male
age
41-50,
*janji
writes:Hie guys, i am a guy aged 31 married for 3 and half years to a 25 year old lady. We have a two year old kid together. The problem is during this whole period my wife used to complain that i dont show her love and i dont talk to her. This was for sure becoz normally i could give her one word answers. She tried to give me some books to read about marriage, i could read them but nothing touched my heart. I used even to argue with her in public and show no remorse.She has been so paient, and sometimes i woulkd ask for forgiveness and she would forgive me, but then i would repeat the same things. We could sometimes travel in our car for a long distance with out talking. To tell the truth I love her but i dont know what was happening to me to treat her that way. She would sometimes say she is staying just becoz of the kid, but i did not take any action. Sometimes she would cry the whole night and i would not change or act.Just recently, we had any argument and i shouted at her, and told her, that the way i do thats how i show my love. I told her if she cant handle it she should go and look for a boyfreind. That day everything turned upsidee down for me. She told me that she lost love and sexual feelings for me long back but she was just having sex with me for the sake that we are married but she doesnt feel anything. If i touch her i will be like i am boring her. These days now its no more sex, if i touch her she says she feels like beating me.My question is, now i have realised that i messed up things on my own, and to her she is trying to have love feelings but they are gone. I still love her, HOW CAN SHE BRING BACK THE LOVE FEELINGS AND THAT AFFECIONAL LOVE FOR ME. PLEASE HELP I NEED HAPPINESS IN MY MARRIAGE..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): It is not too late.
You have a good wife and u have hurt her feeling. You have destroyed her soul. Her anger is controlling her reaction right now.
Your problems cannot be solved overnight.
So whatever u are going to do now will piss her off. So try just being 'silent' meaning no nagging or swearing or over reacting. Why not buy her a bunch of roses. And a chocolate. Send her a loving sms. Or an email. Just small 'love' gestures.
Make an effort to read those books she gave you to improve. Read it and try to make her see u are reading it.
Both u and her love each other but stupid pride and male ignorance has. Brought u to this place of unhappiness right now.
And when you kiss and make up , have Great make up sex. You also need to show her love by pleasing her in the bedroom. Oh, and realize this, women love oral sex on them so plse learn some. New tricks.
Good luck and go make your marriage work.if all else fails plse try counselling.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Natalie:)  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Sorry but I don't think you have a chance. Your obviously not the person she could have fallen in love with, and you you have treated her really badly and coldly. Once the feeling has gone it's gone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): yes, you really have messed up. Do you have an older respected family member who could help to mediate between the two of you? i think that third person is important to support your wife as she may be afraid to confront you about all the things she is unhappy about. Certainly you have done everything possible to make this woman stop loving you. I suspect that you and your wife now feel so unhappy about the situation that right now you may have the strength to fix this alone. This is a very big test of your inner strength to solve a problem together, in a positive way that can change your life for a better future. Your wife cannot forgive you until trust is rebuilt between the two of you. I cannot imagine how nasty you have been to your wife. If your wife is willing to forgive you it may take several years before she can fully trust you again. You must stop insulting and humiliating your wife. You can never ever be unfaithful to your wife. If you disagree with your wife you will not raise your voice nor be quick tempered nor rude. None of that is acceptable anymore. You must be willing to share the parenting more. You must not go out drinking and you must not get drunk. You must not do drugs. You have been making life hell for your wife and child. Now you have to show your wife that you are serious about improving this situation. And serious about listening to your wife. And showing your wife so much more respect. You must offer to clean up the dishes with your wife. You should ask your wife what she wants of you. You must offer, willingly, to help your wife. You cannot yell at her ever again. You cannot hit her. To learn about domestic violence I would suggest you go on to google. And put in the words: domestic abuse and domestic violence and 'Bidermans Chart of Coercion.' Biderman's chart demonstrates that abusive bullying behaviour is a spiral of violence that escalates in intensity as it continues. A bully is inadequate. So the bully seeks to humiliate people to try to make him feel better. Bullying is very cruel. And it is terrible and frightening for children to observe domestic violence. This is because you need to understand that your behaviour has been abusive bullying of your wife. It is NOT manly. It is inadequte behaviour. And it has to stop.
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A
female
reader, sophiejayne +, writes (3 November 2010):
okay, firstly yes you messed up and big style! I'm suprised that she didn't walk out with your child a long time ago. But because you are ready to sort things out i'm going to try and help you. You obviously are a man that can be loving and i like that about you. You need to spoil your wife and go back to the man your wife fell inlove with. Suprise her one night by telling her to get dressed up and take her out for a movie or a meal. Start showing her how much you love her. Sit her down and tell her that you've realised how stupid you've been and that your willing to change to save your marriage. She will appreciate the fact that you have realised your mistakes and she will realise how much she still loves you. Whatever you do, avoid arguments at all costs because that argument might just be the final push she needs to walk out on you and thats the last thing you want to happen. Show her love and effection and she'll show you it back.
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A
female
reader, amyxavier +, writes (3 November 2010):
im sorry but it seems like it s too late for you by the sounds of things your wife gave you enough time to change and told you all the things that she felt were wrong in your marriage but you could not be bothered to change .and now its too late now you decide to change well it sounds to me like you have completely blown it and your wife has finally had enough i suggest you let her get on with her life and let her find some one who willl treat her with love and respect you had your chance if you truley loved her you would of wanted things to be good between you both but maybe she is not the right person for you if you dont feel that
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