A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have been using prostitutes for about 4 years. I lost my virginity to a prostitute and ever since I only had sex with "working girls". The reason I do this is that it is so much simpler than picking-up women and far more straight-forward. I use to think that I do this because I'm ugly but that doesn't seem to be true (I got complements from non-prostitute women)... So I guess it's about the sex being "on my terms" (when I want it, how I want it, etc.). Twice I have been approached by women (sluts, but not the kind that charge cash) in bars and they hinted that they wanted to have sex with me... I declined both offers. So I guess I have some conflicting views of women: on the one hand I don't like sluts, on the other I only have sex with prostitutes (unlike sluts they are honest at least, they don't pretend to be chaste and virtuous when they suck a guy...). The question is what should I do in the future... Should I continue to use prostitutes, or should I try to get a relationship or something like that. If I do get myself into a relationship is it best to keep my (then) past secret or tell the girl I used dozens of hookers?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 November 2012):
 BASED on your follow up I strongly suggest you find a therapist to help you work through your issues.
The truth is based on your follow up my feeling is that you will spend your entire life bemoaning that there are no "nice girls" to have a relationship with and you will have to continue the use of prostitutes for sexual release, all the while blaming your lack of a relationship on the women when in fact the issue is your POV.
Best of luck to you OP your going to need it if you don't get the help suggested.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (17 November 2012):
You admit that you would only want someone innocent, and then you'd 'teach her'. If she started to show enthusiasm, though, she'd be labelled a 'slut'. If she didn't show enthusiasm, you'd 'get rid of her'. Do you really want to put another human being through this experiment?
I think you need to have a serious think about your views towards women and your personality type. Don't get involved with non-professionals who won't know how to deal with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): OP here.
@So_Very_Confused
"so if you meet a "nice woman" and she is uptight about sex what will you do?"
Try to teach her, or get rid of here... this would be the "good" outcome
"and if you meet a "nice woman" and she is NOT uptight about sex.. in fact let's say she's very good at it and enjoys it, will you question her past and hold it against her?"
Yes,... I would most likely hold it against her. You figured out exactly how I "slot" women... I can't help it it's my personality type (INTJ ... j is for judger ... I put everybody in a discrete slot)
@chigirl
Yes, I think it's a type of control issue , I think that if I lose control of (a prospective) relationship , the girl will loose respect for me ...
@Daisy_Daisy
" I dread to think how you'd react when a 'nice girl' expressed having a desire to sleep with you. Would she become a 'slut'?"
Not automatically, I use the word "slut" to mean a women who has sex for one reason, impulse ... So if a girl f**ks a guy because he's hot, or just because he has characteristic X ... she's a slut . I there are more reasons she may not be a slut ...
Thanks all for the wonderful answers.
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A
female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket +, writes (16 November 2012):
I would keep it a secret.I wouldn't want to have sex with a bloke who's been with a load of prostitutes
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 November 2012):
I have a big issue with your use of the word 'sluts', OP.
You are judging women who go out and see a guy they like and (according to you) want to have sex. You go out, choose a woman you want (to pay for) and then you have sex. You are the same as them. Exactly the same, except they are not paying. Judge these women by all means, but don't forget to have a good look at yourself while you are at it.
Who is pretending to be chaste and virtuous? The two women who've hinted at sex?? N=2 is a very small sample size for you to have drawn your conclusions about non-working girls/ sluts. Or are you referring to women in general?
You have a horribly skewed view about women and sex. As a woman I'd advise that you stick to prostitutes because with your current mindset I would hate to think of you trying to pursue a normal relationship. I dread to think how you'd react when a 'nice girl' expressed having a desire to sleep with you. Would she become a 'slut'?
Sorry to be harsh but honestly, your views on sex and women are alarming.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (15 November 2012):
 To be honest I think you need to get into therapy ASAP. You do have a very skewed and destructive view of women in general. How was your relationship with your mother when growing up? Do you have anything in your past that caused you to seek prostitutes instead of real relationships? To view women as sluts but prostitutes you don't think the same way is worrisome. I think you do need to stop with the prostitutes and find a real relationship because this is no way to go about life, not having a meaningful loving relationship, but to find a relationship you will need to get to the root of your negative thinking with a counselor. You group women separately and I'm not sure what does make a woman a slut in your opinion. Also the need to control the sex is an issue. It shows you are scared of being vulnerable with a woman, you need to have someone who is upfront about their intentions so you aren't getting attached and fooled. I think it's a deep rooted fear you need help to deal with. Seeking prostitutes at such a young age over regular women you could be forming relationships with out of fear is a big issue. I hope you seek help. The longer you go about this the harder it will be for you in the future to find someone serious. And about telling future women, I say to tell them sooner rather than later. I would feel very betrayed if I found out my boyfriend of 2 years had been with many prostitutes before he met me. I'd feel as though I didn't even know him. Learning early on and hearing the reasons why I could determine if it is something I can deal with or not, I'd say to let them know your past (but not in a lot of detail) within the first couple months when you are starting to get more serious. You don't need to say how many, again don't go into detail, just say you have used prostitutes in the past, you have been tested, you are now wanting something serious and wouldn't look for prostitutes again.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (15 November 2012):
 It depends on what you want I guess. Are you happy with things the way they are or do you want more? It seems you want more or you wouldn't be asking.I've only been with prostitutes as well, because I'm ugly and don't have what it takes to attract a woman. But I would jump at the chance of having a relationship, and would love it if someone approached me in a bar. If I got to the point that I was rejecting women because I preferred prostitutes... I'd be worried quite frankly.If I were you I'd stop going with the working girls completely and concentrate on dating, trying to meet someone and having a relationship. If you don't have those experiences in life it is possible to become stunted and you get to the point that you're incapable of having a normal relationship, and that's really sad. You're young, so you've still got time. You don't want to be like me and be in your forties and facing life alone. Although my situation is different, I'm not where I am because of prostitutes, I started seeing prostitutes BECAUSE of where I am. But the result is the same; a lack of relationships in early years will lead to an inability to have them later in life.As for whether you should tell them, I would have to say yes. It will likely be a disaster a few times but you have to be honest. You can't build a relationship on dishonesty.Good luck man.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2012):
 Doesn't seem to me like these "sluts" in bars were trying to hide the fact that they wanted to sleep with you. So your real conflicting idea is that you think women actually pretend to not want sex when they clearly show you they do?
If you find this very difficult, then have you considered therapy to get to the bottom of why you would rather be intimate with a stranger, than be intimate with a person who knows you? In general, it tends to come down to fear of abandonment, rather than anything else. If you open your heart to someone, they might hurt you. Being naked means you are vulnerable. But if you PAY someone, then you are in control, your terms, like you said. If you do not pay someone, they might leave you at any time. And that would hurt. This is the number one reason why people do not enter relationships, they are afraid of being hurt, they are afraid to let someone get to know them well enoough to possibly hurt them.
I think, if you enter a relationship you should not say anything about your past until you have built up a good solid foundation with your girlfriend. You should not tell her soon, you should wait. I think if you want a deep and honest relationship, you should be able to tell her everything, without her judging you. However, you need to take your time and get to know her, and see if she is someone who you should be honest with. If you can not be honest with her, then she is not someone you should continue being with. However this takes time, and it could take anything from 1 month (if there's an instant connection) to 2 years before the time is right to tell her.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 November 2012):
 A man whose sex experience occurs with prostitutes is generally seen as a man who is unable to start and maintain a real, regular and traditional relationship with "regular" women....
IF you are content with your current arrangement (sex with prostitutes) then the only real advice you can/should receive is that you should PROTECT yourself from STD's... since prostitutes may, reasonably, be believed to be exposed to them far more-so that "other" and "regular" women....
IF you should find a woman with whom you strike up a more-traditional relationship... THEN it is incumbent on YOU to be sure to have thorough testing to assure that you have NOT contracted ANY STD(s) from this time with prostitutes... You OWE that to not only your prospective new ("more traditional") partners... BUT ALSO, to yourself.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (15 November 2012):
 Hi
I would keep it a secret if I was you, they will think your a male slut otherwise, plus paying for sex,even once, never sounds good.
I would get yourself tested too before you embark on any relationship.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 November 2012):
I can't advise you on what to do in the future although it seems to me you slot women in roles
prostitute
slut
nice women
so if you meet a "nice woman" and she is uptight about sex what will you do?
and if you meet a "nice woman" and she is NOT uptight about sex.. in fact let's say she's very good at it and enjoys it, will you question her past and hold it against her?
as for your use of prostitutes... YOU MUST BE HONEST with anyone you sleep with... "I've had a promiscuous past and I've slept with professionals... I have not had sex with a working girl since xx/xx/xx (date) and I have had X (number of times) blood work-up for STDs since then (should be every 6 months until you are in a monogamous relationship for a year or longer)
Some women will not accept your use of prostitutes in the past... some will be ok with it.
personally the issue becomes... if you are asked you need to tell the truth. to me the lies are a bigger problem than the use of prostitutes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): If you lie to women about sleeping with prostitutes, that is pretty much the male equivalent of women lying about being promiscuous. You are more like those women than you think.
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