A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My parents immigrated to this country in 1999. When people say that immigration either makes the family stronger or tears it apart, they cannot be more right. Unfortunately in my case, my mom divorced my dad shortly after coming to this country. I am 24 now, and I can truly say that that was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I feel sympathy and empathy for all the kids, teenagers and young adults whose parents are divorced or currently going through this nasty process. It is so unfortunate that this occurs in almost every other family.When my mom left, we were living in a little townhouse. She made it clear that day that she does not expect my dad to sell the place and share with her the money, because this was a home for my little brother and I. My brother went with my mom, because he was still very young. I stayed with my dad. Up until about 2 years ago, my parents surprisingly remained good friends, although I feel that the reason why my dad maintained a good relationship with her is because he perhaps felt on some level that she would come back. And in his defense, I feel that my mother fed that hope to him. Every time she needed help with something, a friend, or financial assistance, she would come to my dad. My father, who still to this day (although heartbroken) loves her with all of his heart, did not even think twice about offering her financial assistance, without requiring her to pay him back. Over the past years he had given her thousands of dollars for various things, without ever asking for a penny back.One of the biggest resentments I subconsciously hold against my mother is not for the fact the she left. It's for the fact that ever since she left she tried to justify herself to me by saying negative things about my father. To this day, she often switches the subject of something I am talking to her about (like my current relationship with my wonderful boyfriend) and begins bringing up the past with my father, saying that he didn't do this, that, wasn't like this, that, etc. It makes me so sad, because my father never ever says anything bad about her. It's as if she tries to justify her divorce. I know I'm a grown up but sometimes it's very hard and even hurtful to hear certain things about my father. I wish she just leave me out of it! During every conversation I tell her "Mom, I love you both very much, but I don't want you to tell me negative things about my father. I don't want to hear that he was a bad husband to you, that he wasn't good enough, that you thought he was lazy. He's a wonderful dad, and to me that is most important. I don't want to see him in the light that you see him in." Although this ends the conversation, this conversation reoccurs every couple of weeks.Last year my mother remarried. It came as an expected surprise, and even though it was difficult for me, it offered me some sort of closure. I was very happy for her, but sad at the same time for my dad. My dad finally stopped hoping and began getting his life together. He found a woman that he's planning to marry in February. I am so happy for him!I have a plan to move out of my dad's place when he gets remarried. I have been the woman-of-the-house (if you wanna call it that), as I've been taking care of my dad for the past 9 years, cooking, cleaning and helping out. Now that he has another woman to take care of him I can go ahead and start my own life without feeling guilty that my dad will not have anyone else. I plan to do so in the next few months.Today I had another conversation with my mom, which quickly escalated in a negative manner. I called her to see how her day was going and she said that she heard about my father planning to remarry and says she's happy for him. She then says that she's planning to make my father sell his current house so that he can divide the money between her, my brother and me, and provide me with a downpayment for my first home.... I was apalled! I said to her that I would never, in my right mind, ever expect my dad to sell his place and change his life around just so I can start my life! I know living on my own is going to be difficult, and although I would appreciate any financial assistance that either of my parents can provide me in the time of need, I plan to finance myself though this! It's a milestone for me, and I feel positive that once I'm on my own things will turn up! I said to my mother that it is completely inappropriate to make my father sell the place just so that I can have money for the downpayment. I said that it's not fair to him. I said the house which we live in is our home, mine and my little brothers, and we just did a bunch of really nice renovations, and what - now sell it? Please give me some peace of mind. She said before that she would never make my dad sell the place, because it was our home. Now all of a sudden when my dad is getting remarried she is making him do it? I could maybe understand if my dad was very wealthy and could afford a similar place somewhere else. But the fact of the matter is, my dad is not very wealthy at all. And the house we live in is on the lower rate of the houses in the province in which we live.Please tell me, is this being unreasonable? And how can I stop my mom from sharing negative details about my father? It is really hurtful and it makes me overwhelmingly sad. The fact that my mom is making my dad change his whole life around now that he's getting remarried (even though she always tells me that she hoped he would move on), shows me that perhaps on some level she is not happy for him? Maybe I'm wrong but I just can't help but question her behavior.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): Your mom is trying to get revenge on your dad and hurt him by taking away his home that he wants to share with his new wife. Please stand by your dad and don't let him give into her pressure. call your mom out on this. Don't let her hide behind this supposed altruistic motivation that it's for you and your brother. You didn't ask for this, so tell her you don't want this charity. tell her that you prefer the dignity of working for your own house downpayment, not to have it handed to you by your parents. And besides, if she really was being so altruistic why doesn't she sell her own house? Why does she want to force your dad to sell his? it's obvious that it's just an excuse to cause turmoil in his life now that he seems to be settling down again; she can't handle him being happy because she's still resentful of their previous marital problems.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): Your mom is way out of line, and I am appalled too. she is overstepping all kinds of boundaries both yours and your father's.
assuming she has no legal claim to his house since they've been divorced for about a decade now, her announcement that she's going to "make" him sell the house is completely appalling because it means she is going to use pure emotional tactics to get what she wants. She has no right to make a complete stranger sell their house. Just as she has no right to make your father sell his house.
What does she want by this? here's some possibilities:
1. she wants to control YOU by finding a way to funnel money (her ex's money) to you. She has no respect for you as an adult that you can make it on your own. She wants to have a say in your life and wants to use money as leverage to do it maybe.
2. She wants to exert control over your father and/or get revenge on him. I suspect this is the real reason because it seems she never has moved on from the bitterness she felt that made her leave him. I don't doubt that he may have been a terrible husband - if he was so great a husband she would have stayed with him. Divorce isn't an easy choice especially when you're new to a country and all you have is your spouse (I'm an immigrant myself). Your father must have hurt her extremely deeply for her to divorce him. So there is obviously a lot of one-way anger. He isn't as angry as her cos he wasn't the one who got let down and driven to the point of leaving, she is. So it's understandable that she feels a lot of bitterness towards him. sometimes bitterness takes years to heal so she probably hasn't gotten over her anger at him yet.
However, it's inappropriate for her to talk bad about him to you. Her problem with him is just between them and she should leave you out of it. You're doing the right thing by asking her to leave you out of it. All I can say is, continue to do that or maybe it's time for you to just shut down the entire conversation the minute she starts ranting about him again.
Clearly she hasn't gotten over her bitterness at him, and now that he's got a new fiance her bitterness is probably re-triggered. For all her talk about wishing him well in his life and hoping he'll move on, when he actually does she's offended by it. (lots of divorced people are like that by the way, your mom isn't the only one) She probably feels upset that he is treating a new woman better than he had treated her (since obviously the new woman doesn't have negative feelings toward him so that must mean he's treating her better than what your mom experienced with him). Therefore your mom's wanting to 'make' him sell his house is done out of spite and possibly in an attempt to sabotage his upcoming marriage by taking away the new couple's home.
However in the end she really can't "make" your father do anything he doesn't want to do. She has no legal ground to force him with so it's purely his decision. He's an adult too, he can choose to stand his ground or let himself be bullied by his ex-wife. I'm sure his new fiance won't be happy at how he's being yanked around still by the ex. So your father needs to stand up and take a stand and decide what HE wants to do and not be influenced by your mom. I think you should encourage your dad in this by assuring him you don't want or need money for your own place.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): "She then says that she's planning to make my father sell his current house so that he can divide the money between her, my brother and me, and provide me with a downpayment for my first home..."Agree with SVC, at the time of your parents' divorce all joint property and assets were divided so your mother has no say in the sale of your father's house. She just wants to interject herself into his life in order to make him miserable. "She said before that she would never make my dad sell the place, because it was our home. Now all of a sudden when my dad is getting remarried she is making him do it?"Your mother can't stand the thought of "another woman" living in HER family home. "Please tell me, is this being unreasonable?"Yes."And how can I stop my mom from sharing negative details about my father? It is really hurtful and it makes me overwhelmingly sad."Tell your mother you don't want to hear anything negative about your father because it is really hurtful and it makes you overwhelmingly sad."The fact that my mom is making my dad change his whole life around now that he's getting remarried (even though she always tells me that she hoped he would move on), shows me that perhaps on some level she is not happy for him? Maybe I'm wrong but I just can't help but question her behavior."Your mother is still angry, resentful, and bitter. In her mind she has the right to remarry and be happy but she wants her ex (your father) to continue suffering.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 November 2012):
 they are divorced.
if her name was removed from the deed as part of the divorce she has no say in the sale of the house.
IF she wants to sell the house and her name is on the deed they have a bigger problem and dad will have to buy her part of the house from her.
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