A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I guess this is a question about lovemaking vs sex.I had spent the day with my boyfriend and he was helping me studying. Then after several hours I had to go out to do something else, and we were kissing a bit, and I said, I have to go, and he said, aren't we going to make love. I said, I haven't really got time because I have to do bla bla bla (boring to describe the practicalities to you all!)He said oh, come on, I've been looking at your cleavage all day and doing really well, keeping my hands off you, because I know you've been focusing on your work. But well if only one person wants to then there's no point. I guess I'll just have to watch porn instead. I said, go ahead, then he went on his computer and started saying, oh, look at her big boobies, amazing. Then I said bye, and went. As I was leaving he said, don't be ridiculous, I was only joking. I was just on facebook. Of course I'm not going to look at porn.The thing is, I don't care if he is looking at porn right this second - I do it for chrissakes, but I think the way he said that is really a cheap shot.He now thinks I am being dramatic for 'storming off' He always says how special our lovemaking is etc how it's never been like this with anyone else etc. So why come out with that comment which makes it clear that at least this time it was well and truly about sex. Come on, what do you think, is this just a normal run of the mill interaction you just laugh about? The irony is, now I don't have to do that other thing as my friend cancelled. But the last thing I feel like doing is going round there 'making love' to him!
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (17 November 2012):
OP, so boring bla bla bla is more important than making love with your boyfriend? That must make him feel really loved! If you had to go to work and you would have been sacked if late you might have got some sympathy, but the message you give out is that making love isnt very important to you.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (16 November 2012):
Good grief, what drama. Ive been with my fiancee for five years, and she has never said no to me, not once. Recently I asked about it, and she said - "For one, I probably want it more than you, and for two, I have friends who wish their man wanted sex with them as much as you want it with me. Why would I ever say no to that?"Life is good.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (16 November 2012):
He helped you study and did not distract you even though your cleavage was obviously distracting him for HOURS.
If your cleavage was not on display for him, then who was it for? I am sure he thought you dressed sexy for him and after behaving himself and helping you study, he was turned on and was hoping you would like to engage in a bit of stress relief with him.
He said he was looking at other boobies and would look at porn in some sort of childish attempt to make you jealous of the action his computer and hand would be getting cuz you wouldn't be getting any.
Right now, you are stressed out. Don't allow this to affect your sex life and your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): I disagree, I have found with my wife there is a differance between sex and making love. One satisfies the whole being as a couple, the other gets you off. There is a differance, and a time and place for each!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 November 2012):
 We guys speak and interesting dialect of English, in which "making love" and "having sex" and "doing nik-nik" all mean the same thing!!!!!
Remember: For a guy, it's all about getting his you-know-what in to some place that is warm, soft and wet. We aren't particularly concerned on the lead up to, or the description of, what that is!!!!
P.S. SVC has a good take on this whole thing!!!!
Good luck......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): I'm sorry I agree with him.
"But well if only one person wants to then there's no point."
Of course there's a point, do you think I've only ever had sex with my girlfriend when we both wanted to? Course not, there are plenty of times when I'm not in the mood or not bothered that I will get her off orally or give her a quick pounding, even go for a full session. 'Making love' all the time is boring and restrictive, it's nice to just forget all the bullshit sometimes and just go straight into banging your loved one. Do you think I like giving her rim jobs? Not in a physical sense no, but she loves it and that to me makes it worth tolerating, she does the same for me in many other ways not just sexually.
Maybe that's just what you call it and you do have quickies and things, then why not have one right there and then? You used the excuse of not having time for it, takes two minutes to whip it out and give him a quick handy OP. My girlfriend had to go on a trip today and she won't be back until saturday, we woke up late this morning so had little time for any affection, so she just hopped on while I was still half asleep and used my morning wood to get herself off, pretty normal for us and she didn't even finish me off. I did that myself while she showered before helping her get ready for her trip. That wasn't making love but it was a great start to her day, so what's bad about that? Sex isn't about keeping score or being restrictive it can be used as a tool to enhance your life, not just be a separate entity that you do at certain times, in certain ways and only if it's movie-like romantic love.
I'm not saying you begrudgingly have to give in if you're completely opposed to having sex at that time, just doesn't always have to be a mutual thing in terms of making love. Sometimes it's nice to get your partner off with no benefit to you other than it makes them smile.
OP your reaction to the porn thing is a bit overboard, he meant it as a joke and he said that. It was in poor taste maybe but it was just a joke and nothing worth making such a big deal out of.
"But the last thing I feel like doing is going round there 'making love' to him!"
I don't know OP, to me that sounds like useless pride to me, like he can't have sex with you now because he only wanted sex a while ago and you don't want to lose this battle. It sounds just a tad spiteful.
What is wrong with the fact that your boyfriend spent a while with his beautiful girlfriend and her sexy cleavage and the thought of sex entered his head? How is that a bad thing OP? Would you prefer if he wasn't like that? Didn't get worked up and aroused looking at you?
Swallow your pride OP, this is not a battle, he;s your partner, he wants you in all ways and sexually too. Why not just go over and have some fun, instead of sitting home alone on some kind of principle because heaven forbid your boyfriend may desire you sexually then get disappointed because he couldn't you.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (15 November 2012):
 I agree with so very confused, what's wrong with a quickie now and then, although his comment was a sly cheap shot, and he passed it off as a joke, but he knew exactly what he was doing saying that knowin it would mess with your head a bit
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 November 2012):
 you needed to give him a quickie honey... hike your skirt, bend over the couch and let him have at you... if you normally make love a quickie now and again is fine...
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A
male
reader, Young and in Love +, writes (15 November 2012):
 I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. He wanted to be intimate with you (whether you want to call it sex or making love is irrelevant). He said what he said in hopes of getting you jealous enough to do so. That's all. I fully understand you being upset that he was "disguising" his want of "sex" as "making love", but honestly, what's the difference? He wants to be with you, and he loves you.
If you're in love, then every time you're intimate is "making love". Don't be too hard on him. Just tell him he needs to work on respecting your decision in the future. But don't "test" him to see if he'll do so. It's also cheap and belittles him to a child.
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