A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My problem is this - I've never had an orgasm.I've read a lot of tips that advise you to explore and touch yourself, but masturbation really doesn't appeal to me, and the times I've tried have only left me bored and somewhat frustrated.I only ever seem to get aroused when my boyfriend is with me. For some reason, I can't get horny when I'm on my own, no matter how hard I try.First of all, is this normal? Is there something wrong with me?And secondly, is there any chance that I'll ever experience an orgasm? My friends rave on about it all the time, and I feel like a freak for never having had one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Thanks for the update babes.. sorry about the delay in responding to you. I've been thinking hard about your problem and asking all over the place for advice to help you out.
If everything went well at the doctors and there is nothing wrong with you, then the advice is DO NOTHING, DON'T WORRY, FORGET ALL ABOUT IT... There is nothing wrong with you, some people orgasm, some people don't. But the more you worry the harder everything becomes. Forget about orgasms, your making yourself upset with worry and that just makes things worse. Just enjoy yourself with your boyfriend, have fun, play around try new things. Just enjoy what your doing now and let that be enough for you both.
It's like trying to catch a rainbow, the faster you run, the more it runs away from you. Maybe you are like I was, maybe it will just take time and practice. One day without knowing it, it will happen and take you by surprise. But stop trying and worrying for now. Just enjoy your sex life to the best of your ability and try to have fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe tried on Friday, after having spent a little time talking about it. I expressed my fears to my boyfriend, and he was quite sweet about it all.
He fingered me, spending plenty of time rubbing my clit, but despite feeling the need to pee, nothing else really happened. I shook a little, and could feel something going on, but emotionally nothing was happening.
So then we began having sex, with him entering me from behind. I got a little more shaky, and the 'needing to pee' feeling grew a little stronger, but apart from that I didn't feel more excited, or as though anything was about to happen, really.
I didn't really expect to have an orgasm straight away, but I still feel a little disappointed in myself, especially considering my boyfriend admitted that it makes him feel kinda depressed, knowing that he's the only one that really gets any pleasure out of it.
I'm thinking of going to the doctor's for a check-up, just in case there's a medical reason behind it all, but in the meantime, I'm all ears to whatever people have to say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Sorry babes, it's me again. Your boyfriend won't hate it if he gives you pleasure, he will love it, that's what turns men on, and he will want to give you pleasure over and over again. I always tell people to use massage with body oil during their love play, its a beautiful way to be comfortable with your body and with his and it really turns everyone on and helps you both to relax and be ready to have some fun. There is no body in bed watching you, no one to see what you and he are doing. There is only you and your partner trying to have some fun, relax, he is vulnerable too, he won't think less of you if you let go and enjoy yourself. This is sexual pleasure, it's not acting (like porn) or a performance, it's just you and him having tons of fun. Whatever you or he do is normal, it's secret and it's private, so let yourself go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Please stop it... you've got me laughing so hard, I'm gonna wet meself.. (Diovanlestat rolls on floor laughing her heart out)
YOU WILL make strange noises, start shaking, and go crazy, start babbling and saying strange things. That's sex baby, it's not polite, it's not quiet, it's a sweaty, embarrassing crazy, overwhelming thing. That's the lie they tell you, sex is not polite, it's total raw energy... lol.... When you start doing all these crazy things, well them baby, you'll know you've hit the big time and you are starting to have good sex.. lol
Please come back and tell us how you got on... Please go gentle on him, he is as nervous and confused as you, so probably it would be better to talk first about how you both can improve your sex life and have more fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Hi Babes,
Thanks for the reply, sorry I laughed, but I am actually happy for you. You present aged 18-21 (overage) and currently living in the UK. I am going to assume your guy is about the same age as you, because you didn't tell me how old he is, and it is easier to explain his behaviour.
Right, you have been told many lies about what sex means, how you get excited and what to do. Your knowledge seems to be a mixture of half truths, misunderstandings, and what you may have seen in the movies. You babes, need a total guide to understanding sex for adults. We've all been there, we can remember getting things wrong, fumbling around, wondering if were normal and asking why it doesn't feel like it dose it the movies. It's your age babes, this is fairly new for you. Most of us are older, we have had a long time to learn about sex. How are you supposed to know it all, your very young and your still learning. Please don't be afraid to ask any question about sex, DC is a good place to learn what turns you on. Not everyone is as insensitive as me, most will probably not insult you by laughing.
I will tell you a secret (Diovanlestat looks around to make sure everybody else is sleeping) It took me three years to have an orgasm through sexual intercourse with a man, me and my partner thought you just kept pumping and that was it. But we experimented, tried different things, and one day he hit the right spot, found the right little movement and that was it... This might be the same for you, don't get frustrated, most people lie all the time about sex. How many people claim they have fun in bed, but are lying to keep face. But your not like that, you want a good sex life, so you've come to the right place to find out about sex. MOST PEOPLE LIE ABOUT THEIR SEX LIVES.. so don't worry about what you see on TV or what your friends tell you. Nobody wants to go to the toilet on TV and nobody ever fumbles with a condom either. It's fantasy, the reality is finding out how to have good sex takes time, and needs two loving people, who are patient and willing to learn.
Here, try this link.. http://www.sexinfo101.com/fp_index.shtml It has tons of great advice to help you out. I would stay away from the more extreme sexual activities and positions until you've covered the basics first.
You have been very sensible to come here and ask for advice. Eventually you will be one of those people who can really say I have a good sex life, because I went and got myself and education and started researched what good sex really means, and you won't have to lie... Have fun, use condoms, and don't worry, everything is perfectly normal because you are still young.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDiovanLestat - That actually makes a lot of sense. Thinking about it, I /am/ scared of letting go. I'm terrified that I'll shake like crazy, or make noises when I orgasm - you know, like in a porn film. I'm worried that my boyfriend would laugh, or be horrified if either of those happened.
I'll be sure to try and work on it - thank you for all your advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): LOL.. now you got me laughing. Most women have orgasms when the clit is touched because that's our most sensitive part. It's the clit he should be concentrating on, not anywhere else. Most women get aroused by this rather than having fingers stuck in the vagina. Aunt Seeker is right, this is what you should be concentrating on. You feel like you want to pee, well that's the beginning of the orgasm. You can have a orgasm through masturbation, stop pulling away and just enjoy yourself. Go to the toilet before you begin sex play, and you'll be able to relax more. He's doing the right thing, it's you that are getting things wrong. He needs to massage your clit and you need to relax and just go with the flow of things....
Try this and if it still doesn't work, then please come back and update, maybe some other aunts and uncles will have better ideas. You can have an orgasm, your just frightened to let go. Stop pulling away and enjoy the experience and learn to have some fun.... lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry about the previous double-post, by the way... I didn't mean to post the same answer twice.
And no, I'm not satisfied with my boyfriend's sexual performance. If he doesn't cum, he doesn't see the point. He's admitted that he knows he should make it more about me, but he's never done anything about it.
I've told him a few times that I like it when he eats me out, to no avail. If he does happen to do something that feels good, I make sure to tell him and praise him for it. The only encouragement I ever get from him is when he asks me to clench, and that's it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should have mentioned this before, but he's religious, so maybe that goes a little way to explaining why he's so reserved.
At the moment, I'm sorely tempted to impose a sex ban, while flaunting past relationships in his face, in an attempt to make him jealous... however, I appreciate that acting like a child won't get me anywhere.
Danielepew - Thank you for those links; it's reassuring to read about other women that are having the same kinds of trouble.
DiovanLestat - He generally makes sure I'm lubed up enough to have sex, but once he's cum, it's over. A kiss on the forehead is all the after-play I get, as he claims that he's too tired for anything else.
He fingers me a fair bit, but that doesn't really do anything for me, unless he plays with my clit, which doesn't happen often.
Sometimes he'll rub my clit and I'll feel like I need to wee... Does that mean anything? Generally when he does that, I move away or tell him to stop, because it tickles too much..
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Dear Daniel,
The reason you detect a problem with her partner's lovemaking because she was concerned enough to repeat it twice. It would be useful madam if you could update your post and tell if you are pleased with your partner and how he treats you in bed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Please read the links Danielepew, there will be many tips and techniques to teach you how to masturbate. But in my opinion everything is normal. You might get the opinion from looking on Dear Cupid and listening to your friends that everyone likes masturbating and it is necessary to life. Well this is not true, everyone is different, not everybody likes the same things. Some people like sex, some hate it. Some people like porn, some people hate it or it doesn't turn them on. Masturbation doesn't turn you on, so what's the problem, that's how your body works, that's how your mind thinks, there is nothing wrong and there really is no problem.
The fact that you like oral sex, points to the fact that you can indeed learn to masturbate on your own and with your partner successfully. Oral sex is more gentle than masturbation and there is a lot of saliva, and liquid to help get you excited. Try masturbating in the bath, use soap and touch your body. Or ask your partner to use some lubrication (lube) and either you or him trying touching your clitoris using the same touches that you do with oral sex. Maybe you just need more lubrication to help you along, so this is my suggestion to you. Or maybe you touch yourself too hard, or in the wrong place or not hard enough. Experiment, and don't go be to hard on yourself. No matter what everyone says, finding sexual pleasure can take some people longer than others.
PS: Don't ever let your boyfriend get away with having sexual intercourse with you without first giving you sexual pleasure. You are a woman, your not a man, it is very, very important that he dose foreplay and get you excited before he penetrates you. If you are not excited there will be no lubrication and he will hurt you. If he wants sex, my motto is always, he has to please the lady first. If he can't understand this or he refuses, I would dump his ass because he is a bad and selfish lover and he puts himself first and is dose not care if you hurt or you get no pleasure.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Is it me, or I detect a problem in your boyfriend's lovemaking? It seems clear that he thinks this is about himself only. I wonder why you can't start it.
I'm sensing that perhaps your insatisfaction with masturbation comes from the fact that it would be a bad remedy to your problem. What you want is not the release in itself, but making love with your boyfriend. Is that so?
The links I copied for you should be helpful. But I guess that a change in your boyfriend's attitude would help a lot. Is he someone you can talk to?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have sex as often as time and my boyfriend's energy permits, and while that's ok, it's not particularly satisfying on its own.
The only thing that really begins to get me anywhere is oral sex, which my boyfriend really isn't keen on - giving or receiving. If it was up to him, we'd have sex in the missionary position all the time, and he'd never have to warm me up beforehand.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 September 2008):
This is very good advice:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/advice-to-young-men-about-young-women.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ive-tried-everything-and-so-far-failed-to.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-suggestions-on-how-to-reach-an-orgasm.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girl-wants-oral-sex.html
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female
reader, Seeker  +, writes (9 September 2008):
Well, if you're only having vaginal sex and your boyfriend doesn't stimulate you manually either, it's not that surprising that you've never had an orgasm. Many women can't orgasm through vaginal penetration alone; I'm one of them. Try getting your boyfriend to tease you "down there" with his fingers before you two have sex. It'll be better for both of you if you're good and aroused because of the natural lubricants your body produces.I know you said you haven't had much success with masturbation, but it's worth another shot, if only so that you can direct your bf to what you really like.Good luck! :)
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